The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong | Amy Morin | TEDxOcala

Translator: Armando Qosja Reviewer: Helena Bedalli I have a friend on Facebook whose life seems perfect. She lives in a beautiful house. And she has a very successful career. And she and her family have all those great weekend adventures together. And I swear they have a professional photographer with them. (Laughs) because no matter where they go or what they do, the whole family looks beautiful. And she always posts how blessed she is and how grateful she is for the life she has. I have a feeling that she doesn't just say these things on Facebook, she actually does it.

How many of you have a friend like that? And how many of you sometimes more or less dislike that person? (Laughs) We all do that, right? It's hard not to. But the way of thinking costs us something. And this is what I want to talk to you about today: what our bad habits cost us. Maybe you scroll through Facebook and think, "What if I roll my eyes? It's only five seconds. How could I hurt myself with something like that?" Researchers have found that envying your friends on Facebook leads to depression. It's just one of the traps our mind can set for us.

Have you ever complained about your boss? Or have you looked at your friends' lives and thought, "Why are they so lucky"? You can't stop thinking that, can you? The mindset seems small at that moment. In fact, I can make you feel good right now. But that way of thinking is draining your brain power. There are three types of destructive beliefs that make us feel less effective and rob us of mental power. The first is unhealthy beliefs about ourselves. We tend to feel bad about ourselves. And why is it okay to be sad when something bad happens?

Self-compassion helps a lot. That's when you start attracting bad luck. When you think things like, "Why do these things always happen to me?" "I don't have to deal with it." That way of thinking keeps you stuck, keeps you focused on the problem, keeps you away from finding the solution. And when you can't create a solution, you can always take a step to improve your life or someone else's. But you can't do that when you're busy feeling sorry for yourself. The second type of destructive belief is what holds you back: harmful beliefs about others. We think that other people can control us and we give away much of our energy.

But as adults living in a free country, there are some things in life you can do. So when you say, “I have to work on myself,” you give away your energy. Yes, there will probably be consequences if you don't work late, but again, it's a choice. Or when you say, "My grandmother is crazy," you give away your energy. She probably isn't the best person in the world, but it's up to you how to respond to her, because you're in control. The third type is unhealthy beliefs that hold you back, unhealthy beliefs about the world. We tend to think that the world owes us something.

We think, "If I work hard, I deserve success." But waiting for success, like any prize from heaven, will only lead to disappointment. But I know that it is difficult to get rid of bad mental habits. It is difficult to give up those unhealthy beliefs that we have carried with us for a long time. But you can't afford to leave. Because sooner or later there will come a time in your life when you will need to summon all the mental strength you have. When I was 23 years old, I thought I knew everything about life. I graduated and got my first job as a therapist.

I got married. And I even bought a house. And I thought, "It's going to be great!" "I had an incredibly successful start." What can go wrong? Everything changed for one day when I received a call from my sister. She told me that her mother was unresponsive and that she had been sent to the hospital. My husband Lincoln and I got in the car and headed to the hospital. We couldn't imagine what could have gone wrong. My mother was only 51 years old. There was no history of health problems. When we got to the hospital, the doctors explained to me that there had been an aneurysm in the brain.

And within 24 hours, my mom, who used to wake up in the morning and say, "It's great to be alive," changed her life. The news was devastating for me. Mommy and I were very close. As a therapist, I knew on an intellectual level that I would experience bitterness. But knowing and doing are two very different things. It took me a long time to feel like I was recovering, and on the third anniversary of my mother's death, some friends called and invited Lincoln and me to a basketball game. Coincidentally, the game was being played in the same stadium when I saw my mother for the last time, the night before her life changed.

She hadn't been there since. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go back. But Lincoln and I talked about it and in the end we said, "Maybe that would be a good way to honor her memory." So we went to the game. And we really had a great time with our friends. That night, on the way home, we talked about how nice it was to finally be able to return to that place, and we remembered Mom with a smile, instead of one of those sad feelings. But after we got home, Lincoln told me that he wasn't feeling well.

A few minutes later, he shut down. He should have called the ambulance. His family met me in the emergency room. We waited there, it seemed like a long time, until the doctor left the room. But instead of taking us to see Lincoln, he took us to a private room, sat us down, and explained that Lincoln, who was the most adventurous person he had ever met, was gone from this world. We didn't know it at the time, but he had a heart attack. He was only 26 years old. There was no history of heart problems. So now she was a 26 year old motherless widow. and I said, "How am I going to get through this?" And to describe it as a painful period of my life seems like an understatement.

And it was at that moment that I realized that when you're really going through tough times, good habits aren't enough. It only takes one or two small habits to stop you. I worked as hard as I could, not only to create good habits in life, but to escape small habits, no matter how small they seemed. Throughout all of this, I gave up hope that life would get better. And over time it got better. A few years later, I met Steve. And we fell in love. And I got married again. I sold the house where Lincoln and I had lived, bought a new house in a new area, and got a new job.

But as soon as I had the feeling of liberation, of that new beginning that I had, I received the news that Steve's father had incurable cancer. And I started thinking, "Why do these things have to happen all the time"? "Why do I have to lose all my loved ones?" "This is not OK." But if I had learned anything, it was that this way of thinking was holding me back. I knew I would need a lot of mental strength to pull myself together and face another loss. So, I sat down and wrote a list of all the

mentally

strong

things people don't do.

And I read that list. It was a reminder of all those bad habits I had picked up at one time or another that kept me depressed. And I kept reading that list over and over again, and I really wanted it, needed it. Because within weeks of writing it, Steve's father had changed his life. My experience showed me that the

secret

to being

mentally

strong

was to get rid of bad habits. Mental strength is like physical strength. If you want to be physically strong, you should go to the gym and lift weights. But if you really want to see results, you should also give up junk food.

The mental power is the same. If you will be mentally strong. you need good habits, like practicing kindness. But you also have to get rid of bad habits, like hating someone else's success. No matter how often it happens, I will stop it. So how do we train the brain to think differently? How do you let go of those bad mental habits you've had with you? Start by replacing those unhealthy beliefs I talked about with healthy ones. For example, unhealthy beliefs about ourselves often arise because we are uncomfortable with our feelings. Feeling sad, hurt, angry or scared, those things are uncomfortable.

That's why we do everything we can to avoid discomfort, we try to escape by doing things like feeling bad about ourselves. And since this is a temporary avoidance, it only prolongs the pain. The only way to overcome uncomfortable emotions, the only way to cope with them, is to experience them. Allow yourself to feel bad and then move on. Increasing confidence in your ability is about dealing with discomfort. Harmful beliefs about others arise because we compare ourselves to others. We believe they are above or below us. Or we think they can control how we feel. Or that we can control how they behave.

Or we blame those who hold us back. But in reality, it is our decisions that do it. You have to accept that you are your own person and that others are separate from you. The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday. And unhealthy beliefs in the world arise because deep down we want the world to be fair. We want to think that if we do good deeds, good things will happen to us. Or if we have gone through difficult times, we will get some kind of reward. But in the end you have to accept that life is not fair.

And it can be liberating. Yes, it means that you won't necessarily be appreciated for your kindness, but it also means that no matter how much you have suffered, you are not condemned to continue suffering. The world doesn't work that way. The world is what you make it. But usually, before you can change your world, you have to believe that you can change it. I once worked with a man who was diabetic for years. His doctor sent him to therapy because he had some bad mental habits that were starting to affect his physical health. His mother had died at a young age from complications of diabetes, so he believed he was doomed and had given up on controlling his blood sugar.

In fact, his blood sugar had been high lately and it was starting to affect his vision. After they get the license. And his world was shrinking. When he came to my office, it was clear that he knew all the things he could do to control his blood sugar level. He just didn't think it would be worth it. But over time he agreed to make a small change. He said: "I'm going to quit my two-litre-a-day habit and replace it with Diet Pepsi. And I couldn't believe how quickly the numbers started improving. And why did he do it?" "He comes in every week to remind me how terrible Diet Pepsi tasted, and he kept at it.

And as soon as he started to see some improvement, he said, 'Okay, maybe I can control some of my other habits.' change the bowl of ice cream at night for a meal with less sugar." And one day he was in a thrift store with some friends and found an old exercise bike. He bought it for a few dollars, came home and put it in front of the TV. He started pedaling while watching some of his favorite shows every night and not only did he lose weight, but one day he noticed that he could see TV more clearly than he had a while ago.

And suddenly it happened to him, what the hell did he realize? that it wasn't permanent, so he set out on a new mission: to get his license again. And from that day on he was full of energy. Before we were together, he came every week to say, "Ok, what are we doing?" what to do this week?" Because he finally believed he could change his world. And that he had the mental power to change it. And that he could give up bad mental habits. And it all started with one small step. So I invite you to consider what bad habits are holding you back?

What unhealthy habits are preventing you from being as mentally strong as possible? And what small step can you take today? Here now. Thank you. (Applause)