Craig Ferguson - The Funniest Bits Of All Time

Ah, that's where you should go. Have you ever tried things harder than whiskey? C. Now, what is that? As Lenny Bruce used to say. There has to be something good about cocaine. Yeah, why was cocaine the only thing I liked in all honesty? that allows you to drink more, I swear, I mean, I tried taking it once you know, without alcohol around, I thought this just turns you into a chair, you know, I thought you can't mix the two, oh bless, but um no, uh. The reason I took it was because you didn't pass out when I was drinking and consuming Coca-Cola, but Coca-Cola is illegal, so I would never do it.

Did you ever try anything else with the two of them? What do you mean by heroin? You couldn't have Coca-Cola, heroin and liquor, bless you we, uh, you're like a baby some

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s, right? Yeah, you're a jazz fan, yeah, no, I am. I did this, uh, I did this movie in New Orleans last summer and it really hit me. into the blues and from

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to time we would go to a different jazz blues bar and the harmonica really got into my blood yeah it's good you play yourself and I don't I only have one and I want to learn so maybe you could be my teacher no, no, I can't, maybe I could, it's just that the leg is sore, yes, the doctor told me to elevate it, so here we go, no, this is L's late show, right, it's now , yeah, no, that's good, so there you should. come hang out because maybe in Nova I think I'd like to be in Nova Scotia, well if you ever want to come, it got weird, didn't it?

I thought it was going well, we were getting along, I just ruined everything, didn't I? I didn't screw it up, it just got a little weird, we'll get over it. I like your snake mug. Thank you so much. It's, you know, it's a substitute for a small penis. Not really, it's a double bluff. Have. a huge dick card with a 15 footer draft on the cover, yeah yeah it's like yours, you're so famous, you got one of those, I got a 28 footer, I got a stream, we're talking yeah right I got a I got a 34 foot and then I got a 25 foot 1952 Good Lord you got three three yeah no wonder you never wore your shirt so I like your necklace are you looking at my necklace or yeah, okay, wow, sorry, couldn't I?

Tell him I was looking at your necklace, okay, it's there, I mean, what you know, it's, you know, you can't not see it, they, they, no, I didn't tell them, I said it, I thought it, but I said it, it's okay , mischievous. and sexual, are you a naughty sexual person? Do you think I'm 45 years old? Yeah, so I've gotten a lot of that out of my system, other than this morning when you practiced some of yourself. But, I don't know why I would reach for it. for the snake at that moment but there you have it you want to talk about the orgy movie you want to talk about it yes I do in fact quite a lot I don't I don't participate in the orgy I don't I don't want to say it so no you never have .

I mean, this is very personal, but have you ever been involved in an orgy with grappling sex? Okay, let's take a moment, you decide, America, I'm going to have this, it's a bogeyman, thank you. Do you have have a Are you going to have a lovely bunch of them? No, this is all. No, you're not going to open it and stick a straw in me. Well, I have nothing to do. oh well you know what I do, there's actually a knife here and a cutting board, but I don't think that knife will cut there, let's see, let's try it, let's give it a whack, let's see the knife, oh, there you have, look, yes, look, it is. a coconut don't be ridiculous come on I just had thin fingers yes there you go okay come on then I can stop you what I have my fingers CAU in the damn coconut what do you want a drink of coconut juice no I feel like I want a banana now do you want a banana now You have to have a banana I now you have it now I've seen it I just think I'd rather eat a banana if that's okay with you would you mind thank you little banana? or big banana big banana That's what I thought Lucy Hit everyone What's up with this look?

Oh, this is a monkey, right, monkey face, uh, yeah, monkey faces in the coconut, what are you doing with these coconuts? We have a lot of coconuts in Puerto Rico, what are they called? they I said something wrong you know with my English you have to be careful no no no no it's okay I just you pronounce it differently for me how you said how no you go first coconuts coconuts man I really love it when you're here I can't tell you that the coconut was g hello Gio hello mommy hello puy he also likes it in your ear Happy boy, you know me, I love coconuts, my good shoes, although I also like your shoes, thank you, it's that pink one. inside there inside the hill there yeah oh look that's class they sexy it's sexy these little touches I think you're getting sexier to be honest can I say that yeah yeah I'm you're you're getting nicer Yeah you know which is becoming a little more because you used to choose Willow.

Willow used to be your thing, but now she's a little more. I like it. I think she works for you. Thank you. I like that joint effort. something you're also doing, yeah, so what did you do when you got there? Did you have anything? Did you start acting right away or did you have to get another job? um no, I had to wait in New York and Save money and weigh the tables. You did that? Yes, I do. Yes. That's fun. Yes it's very funny. It's a great job. Yeah, absolutely it's like wow yeah, and they don't tip either, especially when you yell at them.

Well, I have boots. Well, yes, but you know I have breasts, so you do. I have, I have, I have some good tips. Don't know. I don't know about you, I'm right, they know, yeah, no, I'm just slowing things down for the person writing for the hearing-impaired audience. T PS: nice, I think most American soccer players like to swim, you know, like for four. years, you don't care and then you're like, oh, USA swimming like crazy, like yeah, I'm going to watch swimming on TV. I actually love both because I'm a swimmer, oh really, yeah, so I do two things? that you know people don't care no, no, me, I would watch you swim.

Do you want to show us some of your swimming moves on your desktop? Yes, of course, imagine this, hey, easy, excuse me for a second, a dream. please in the middle of Blazing Hollywood in the middle of a blazing Hollywood on fire Hollywood on fire sure yeah you got harmonicas yeah you blow your mouth Argan I you blow your mouth Morgan how do you think I'm doing this job oh man , this relationship is Bloss? Yeah, I don't know, man, I think it's working out fine, this happened, it was you, your mom was married to my dad, your dad, my uh, hey, these days you know that's something, uh, my dad was a man named Eddie Fiser and uh.

He was best friends with Elizabeth Taylor and her husband at the time Mike Todd Mike Todd tragically died in a plane crash and my father comforted Elizabeth with her penis. I love you. I have always loved you. I love you more and more. See ya, couldn't have put it B for me.