What I Wish People Know After My Husband Died | Terri Budek | TEDxCentennialCollegeToronto

In 2016, on a very normal Thursday morning in July, my

husband

Dave and I were running errands getting ready for work and our two young daughters, Eve and Zoe, ready for daycare. It was a beautiful day, so naturally I took the girls with me. In the car so Dave could ride to work on his motorcycle, he was in a hurry as always so I just blew him an air kiss from the driveway and left around 2pm. m., the police showed up at my office to ask if I knew a David Budeck I remember the feeling that my stomach dropped I said I was riding a motorcycle to work there was an accident he is dead he was not dead but there was an accident they were going to take me away I walked into the hospital through the police and ambulance entrance with no one else around and was finally taken to the trauma ICU to see Dave for less than a minute just to make sure it was my day in the hospital.

They were working and then I waited and waited after more. waiting and signing paperwork for eventual surgery I left the hospital but I barely slept that night during the time I was in the hospital it wasn't that I was clinging so tightly to hope I really thought Dave would recover I called our insurance company to find out

what

The coverage we had for his eventual rehabilitation needs in my little brown spiral notebook, I followed everything that was happening in that room, I followed the numbers and the beeps of the machines, I counted the staples in his head and there were 50 from ear to ear and I wrote.

I wrote down every word the doctors said so that when Dave recovered I could tell him that he was a scientist. I knew I would want the details 40 days after Dave's accident the night before Eve's first day of kindergarten at 808 pm, Dave

died

. I became a widow at the age of 33 with a child aged two and five. What was I going to do well? What do most of us seem to do these days when we just don't

know

the answer to something? We Googled it, you

know

? If you Google how to support a widow, the first thing that appears is a list with 10 suggestions.

There is also a photo of two older women hugging and the number one recommendation is to bring food and coordinate food delivery. with others so the mourners have one less thing to think about when Dave was in the hospital and after he

died

people

brought food and Google was right it was helpful and the rest of the suggestions on that list are definitely helpful too but

what

I want What's being talked about today is what happens after the so-called grieving period is over, when it seems like

people

want those who are grieving to get back to normal and not be so sad anymore.

In different religions and regions of the world grief and mourning look different, but in general I don't know what to tell us. How many of you have Googled what to write in a sympathy card? It's hard for us to know how to interact with each other when people die every day, not just weeks after the loss, but what happens months or years later when life goes on I'll tell you what happens we stop talking about our people who died life goes on and we deal with it I understand, but what would it be like if we were more intentional and made it the norm to talk about our people who have died to say their names and tell their stories let me tell you how you can support a grieving widow years later simply talk about the person who He died after Dave's death I have a lot of good intentions let me know if I can make any offers, but I knew I wasn't getting close.

I had to pretend that we could live a normal life. I stuck to David's nightly routine because asking for help for what I finally realized I needed might indicate that I wasn't okay and couldn't do it alone so that meant talking less about Dave and just focusing on everything else I was doing. had to be done and then it became harder to talk about Dave because I thought if I did people might think I was Trapped in pain, I remember one time someone asked me how I was, you know, with my head bowed and my eyes half-closed eyes and that unconscious look of pity, how are you?

You know what I said, we're doing good, yeah, I'm imagining it. I thought we were fine, I left, I got in my car and suddenly the tears were coming out and I was doing that ugly crying thing that you can only do in the car or in the shower, basically anywhere you are alone so no one will do it. . I see you lose it, yes it turns out I wasn't okay, but grief is complicated and fast forward to today, I can honestly say that most days I'm okay. I also feel totally comfortable saying now that some days I'm still not okay. and being resilient are unconscious pressures placed on grieving people, doing well in the face of adversity is so subjective that if resilience looks at your ability to quickly recover from a difficult situation and return to normal, there is simply no resilience. possible in the face of this type of loss.

I can't get back the life I had because Dave is no longer here. I will never recover a future that is gone forever. Widow resilience isn't about bouncing back, it's about creating a meaningful life the way things are now. What I have discovered is that giving meaning to my life now has to include talking about Dave, his life and death influenced and shaped me into who I am today and although not all widows want to talk about their dead

husband

s, I can tell you that when Feel free to do so. I am comforted by the memories that continue to have this place to live.

I found the most welcoming environments to talk about Dave and his death and his life since his death. I have been with my fellow young widowers, whether in person or online, these online organizations, groups, therapists, blogs, are there to support those who are grieving and I believe they are most helpful when they complement our existing relationships with our family and friends, for example, a widow in Florida can offer a lot of comfort and support simply by having a shared life-changing experience, but she doesn't know Dave, she can't laugh at his quirks and remind me that he would never pay full price for something that you would love, throwing coupons, we're about to become a community where we can openly talk about people after they die, except people don't know what to say to someone who's grieving or, frankly, they're worried about saying the wrong thing, So it may seem easier not to mention the person at all, but simply How do you want to share stories about your loved ones?

I want everyone to know about Dave's annoying obsession with sunflower seeds. He ate them one by one at his computer desk every night and, luckily, went to bed if he finished checking his emails before his little Tupperware of seeds was empty, recognizing that relationships can be complicated. but in my opinion part of life includes talking about our people who have died but isn't it interesting that we don't talk about death? We purposely avoid talking about death because it produces this fear-inducing terror that one day we too will die. We have so much anxiety knowing that we will die.

We try our best to avoid talking about it, so let me clarify that we don't need to talk about death, we just need to talk. About Our People Who Died There are communities that talk about people who have died, but you may be thinking about when it's appropriate the next time you see something that makes you think of someone who has died or you have a memory or thought that you want. share share it talking about someone's dead husband doesn't bother them anymore or remind us that they died believe me, we remember that we know and if you say something that makes someone emotional it's okay because I tell my kids when they get upset seeing me. upset it's okay to cry I'll tell zoe my youngest dad died and it's sad so I'm going to be sad for a moment bringing up memories of someone who died means they mattered they still matter they're not forgotten not even zoe Yeah.

The very limited memories of his father talking about Dave will be the only way to know who he was. Watching the statistics for Kobit 19 develop and the death rate continue to rise has made me think of two things Dave would have been all about in science. behind this pandemic and we would have seemed quite prepared thanks to the seemingly lifetime supply of cleaning and paper products thanks to your extreme coupon and two, there are new widows and widowers taught and their wounds are still open, so we may not be ready. talking about your loved ones still in three or four years they may be.

It's been more than four years since my Dave died and the sadness, although always there, feels a little less unbearable and it becomes easier to listen to the shapes where others choose to talk about dave, my sister recently told me that the family used to take bets on what shirt they would wear when we came to visit because most of the time it was his favorite white shirt with yellow sleeves, this old navy waffle shirt and That shirt is now Eve's dad's shirt and has been in her bed with her every night since the day of his funeral.

I also wore that shirt to concerts and school plays because she tells me she feels like he's watching her too and because Eve is still so young that I went on eBay and bought a backup dad shirt just so I would have it when her shirt is completely spent. Talking about people when there are big decisions to make, for example hearing someone who knew Dave say that he would do it, that he believes he would do it. I have understood that my decision to move brought me a lot of comfort. Holidays and birthdays are more obvious tough times and you can still mention the person, but tough times are also really good times.

Eve earned her yellow belt in karate the same day she did well on a difficult math test last year and that was hard because Dave should be here for this, he should be here to watch his kids grow up, but he's not here, You are missing and will continue to miss all the milestones you are nowhere near behind. school pictures, you won't teach your daughters to drive, you won't see them graduate, and you won't be with them on their wedding day, so when you think about when it would be a difficult time for a widow, check back when things appear to be okay. really good, that might be the perfect moment to remember that years later, Dave still matters.

Time passes and the pain changes when you are not sure what to say to a widow or anyone who has experienced loss. It's okay to ask. Can I talk about Dave? you talk about him in front of your kids you just ask questions he tells me it matters if a widow says she likes to talk about her late partner do it but if they don't care it doesn't matter why just accept it move on no matter how uncomfortable it is . you may feel that you have asked a question that acknowledges that a person existed. My story, although sadness does not end in sadness.

I am very lucky to have known a love so deep that it cannot die with the person and me. I am beyond grateful to have collaborated with someone who told me that he saw a movie that he thinks Dave would have liked. We've talked about Dave to the point where someone who never had the opportunity to meet him knows him. Those who work with people preparing for death will know this. Tell us that when someone is dying, he just wants to know that his life had meaning. Did they make a difference in this world? What will they be remembered for?

If we stopped talking about people after he died, then why are they really remembered?, Dave. He was the smartest man I have ever met. I will continue to tell his story and would love to share his favorite mantra. I never paid anyone to do work that you could learn to do yourself. He read books for fun and studied owner's manuals. of items we hadn't even purchased yet, like our vacuum cleaner, just to make sure it was the perfect one for us, there is a saying that a person dies twice, the first time is when they take their last breath and the second time is When someone says their name for the last time I want you to keep in mind that talking about our people who have died helps keep their memory alive keeps them alive How are you going to support someone in their grief years after your loss?