Standing Alone: The Ultimate Widow Superpower | Mary Oves | TEDxGrandCanyonUniversity

so I was

widow

ed in 2017 and one dark November night, about a month after the funeral, I came home from some function and noticed, for maybe the third or fourth time that week, that the light bulb over our outside door was out now that there was I just had lunch with a friend earlier that week and I clearly remember complaining to her about the situation that the outlet was too high, I was too short and I couldn't remember in all the years I lived in that house with my late husband and my Children, that light bulb ever burned out and she rolled her eyes at me like only a close friend can and I'll never forget her words, maybe Mary, she said, "you've never noticed that light bulb because you've never had to." ". changing your light bulbs for you all your life and I sat in the driveway thinking about his words and doing that half laughing half crying thing that

widow

s are so adept at and I realized I was

alone

and if I fell flat on my face in my dark hallway was up to me now, that's a pretty sobering realization for a new widow, but boy, did it light my fire.

I jumped out of bed the next morning, went to the hardware store, bought this light bulb and went home and completed that project and when I was done I turned to three of my neighbors who had obviously stopped by to see me in action and smiled at me and a kind friend shouted well done, Mary, and it's nice to see you come out and then they I applauded 30 years of personal and professional success and they applauded me for having mastered right-handed, left-handed and weak-handed. That story may seem silly now, but at the time it was actually very important to me because it made me think about my personal potential if I could change that light bulb, what else was I capable of?

So I started taking risks if it scared me or made me feel uncomfortable. I chased him. Physical risks such as traveling and dining

alone

. Interpersonal risks like starting new friendships, which, as any introvert can tell you, is terrifying. in its vulnerability and professional risks, such as withdrawing from my full-time teaching job to focus on my writing, and as my world grew larger, my inner circle, which had been quite small at the beginning, became almost nonexistent because No one understood what he was trying to do. What to do I asked myself, what can I do if I dare to achieve a society without intention of harm? unintentionally infantilizing widows our ability to communicate clearly and effectively with government agencies, financial institutions and legal offices becomes a daily struggle without our husbands by our side to be seen, hurt and respected even when they are kind and well-intentioned friends, and we know that they have good intentions when they visit us, they encourage us to remain sad, to stay silent, to stay at home without realizing that pity, although feeling quite good with the most compassionate, is toxic and dangerous for the I feel sorry for him, but they bring us numbing devices like cheesecake and vodka and books with counterproductive titles like It's Okay to Not Be Okay, It's Okay, Now All the Widows Have Read These Books.

We all know the rules. I'll share some with you, right? take off the ring for a year don't sell personal real estate don't use the insurance money to redecorate your living room don't quit your job and above all don't forget that it's okay to not be okay well, those books went straight into my trash can. garbage next to the cheesecakes and proceeded to sell personal real estate, quit my job and used the insurance money to redecorate my living room. I had just spent 30 years as a mother, wife and caregiver following society's rules, it was my turn.

I step out of my comfort zone and ask myself what I can do if I dare to fly with widows, as most people sometimes feel minimized by social stereotypes. I put the word widow into any stock image search bar and two types of hot images appear. young women in tight black dresses gazing seductively into the camera or despondent older women staring vacantly into space from their kitchens or park benches and it occurred to me that, according to society, a widow has two options or Spencer Googles fancy dress costumes. Halloween widow and there are two options. I can wear a shapeless black dress and a black veil or a tight leather jumpsuit like the one Black Widow wears in the Marvel movies, spinster kill now with all due respect to the Black Widow, who happens to be my favorite character in Marvel, it doesn't seem like it.

Fair enough, even Barbie has more than two outfit options. We are trapped in black. She is flying to the moon in a pink flight suit in 1985. Barbie launched her "We Girls Can Do Anything" campaign, encouraging young girls around the world to believe in themselves and their dreams. . And even when she and Ken separated in 2004, we never doubted her ability to achieve her goals. She is a lucky girl. There are approximately 258 widows worldwide and in the United States alone women make up 11 million of the 13 million grieving spouses. Statistically, women are much more. They are more likely to be widowed than men and much less likely to remarry.

The age-to-marriage gender gap centers on a saying you may not be familiar with, but very familiar in widows' circles. The women cry. Men replace quite clear implications that bereaved women are expected. They mourn the loss of their irreplaceable husbands while widowed men easily find a companion to take the place of their deceased wives. I have spoken to many widows in the last five years. We all agree on one thing, of course, we miss our spouses, but we dare to enjoy our lives so we have to ask ourselves if it is statistically proven that happiness and life satisfaction are functions of the discrepancy between what what one has and what one wants.

What if we dared to be happy with what we have instead of doing it? What society tells us we want, but I want to be very clear, being alone is never easy. There are days when I wake up and wish I didn't have to be in charge of these lights. Being alone is difficult, but something interesting happens every time. The day you wake up you are stronger than the day before and you realize that with every victory you win, no matter how small it may seem at the time, like a light bulb, you have become more difficult to defeat and it is this toughness that sometimes It is often that of a widow. her greatest vulnerability, which

ultimate

ly manifests as her greatest strength, so I say: what would happen if we declared victory?

June 23 is International Widows Day and widows around the world need to remember that we are powerful beyond measure and who knows, maybe one day we will make it. Lucky and Mattel will create a line of widow Barbies. Barbie has always known the deal. Us girls can do anything, thank you.