Coronavirus Cold Open - SNL

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR COMING. I AM VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE. MOST OF YOU KNOW ME FROM THE PHRASE, EVEN IF TRUMP WAS ELIMINATED, WE WOULD STILL BE STUCK WITH MIKE PENCE. PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE CORONAVIRUS, EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SCIENCE. AND I MUST ADMIT THAT THIS ILLNESS HAS BEEN A GREAT TEST OF MY FAITH. LIKE DINOSAUR BONES OR TIMOTHEE CHALAMET. BUT I AM READY FOR THE CHALLENGE. WE HAVE ASSEMBLED A VERY EXPERIENCED TEAM COMPOSED OF SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE LEFT IN THE GOVERNMENT. LEADED BY ONE OF THE BRIGHTEST MINDS IN MEDICINE, DR.

BEN CARSON. HELLO. HELLO. I'm Ben Carson. YOU KNOW, THE BRAIN SURGEON THEY PUT IN CHARGE OF HOUSING AND DEVELOPMENT. WELL, THIS IS SOMETHING I ACTUALLY KNOW, AND REST ASSURED, IN MY EXPERT OPINION, IT'S GOING TO BE WRONG. BEN, DON'T SAY THAT. I ASKED YOU HERE TO PUT PEOPLE THROUGH AND EDUCATE THEM ABOUT THE VIRUS. GOOD. THIS IS WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR. DOES IT LOOK LIKE THIS. AS YOU CAN SEE BY ITS SHARP TEETH, IT'S A NASTY LITTLE THING. HE BITES. BUT DON'T PANIC. THERE ARE STILL SIMPLE PRECAUTIONS WE CAN ALL TAKE LIKE COVERING YOUR MOUTH, COUGHING, AND LIKE ALWAYS CLOSE YOUR EYES DURING RELATIONSHIPS.

ALSO, WE SUGGEST GETTING THESE WONDERFUL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN MASKS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE. DELIVERY MAY TAKE A COUPLE OF MONTHS, BECAUSE THEY ARE MANUFACTURED IN WUHAN, CHINA. THANK YOU, DR. CARSON. OH, IT'S BAD. THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT NOW IS THE MOMENT FOR UNITY. AND THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO POLITIZE THE ISSUE, SO LET'S ASK SOME QUESTIONS. YES, MIKE BLOOMBERG. BLOOMBERG NEWS. I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? HOW DID YOU PASS SECURITY? I JUST BETWEEN COUGH AND EVERYONE GOT OUT OF MY WAY. MY QUESTION IS, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD TIME TO HAVE A COMPETENT AND CAPABLE PRESIDENT, EVEN THOUGH THAT CANDIDATE LACKS CHARISM AND THE ABILITY TO CONNECT WITH HUMAN BEINGS?

WITH ALL RESPECT, I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOUR QUESTION. LET ME TELL YOU IN SPANISH, PRESIDENT TRUMPO IS A LOT AYE, AYE, AYE. I AM RIGHT? I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? NOW IT'S MY JOB, I FOLLOW YOU AND MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL. I MAY BE FIFTH IN THE POLLS, BUT I AM NUMBER ONE IN YOUR NIGHTMARES. TALKING ABOUT NUMBER ONE. GUESS WHO JUST KICKED ASS AT SOUTH CRACKER BARREL. JOE BIDEN? YOU LOOK DIFFERENT. YES, THE SURGERY IS BEGINNING TO BE RESOLVED. NOW, LOOKING INTO THE FUTURE, IF WE WANT TO FIGHT AGAINST CHINA, WE HAVE TO BE SMART.

WE MUST MAKE SURE WE GET NEW TEETH DAILY. HERE IS A REAL STORY BASED ON FAKE EVENTS. Nelson Mandela and I were walking around South Africa Green Book style. WE HAVE AN ELEPHANT AMONG US, WHOM DO WE ENCOUNTER BUT THE EBOLA MONKEY. LONGEST STRANGER STORY, I FIGHTED THAT FOOL TOWARDS MERCY. That's how I convinced Mandela that he was fine. HEY, HEY, WAIT. WAIT A SECOND. HEY, WHAT IF I POSSIBLY WIN THE NOMINATION? UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE DOESN'T SOUND TOO CRAZY NOW, RIGHT? BERNIE, THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO POLITIZE THIS ISSUE. Hey, I'm having the best week of my damn life.

I had a small setback in South Carolina, but I'm ahead in the polls, the Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts. AND THE BEST OF ALL IS THAT NO ONE WANTS TO COME CLOSE TO ME. MUCH LESS TOUCH ME. I'M IN HEAVEN. CAN I TALK? HEY, SURE, WHY DON'T YOU START TELLING US WHAT'S IN THAT NDA? I KEEP SAYING IT'S NOTHING. I MADE A LITTLE PRANK ON AN EMPLOYEE AND SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT. YES, WHAT WAS THE JOKE? EVERYTHING WELL. KNOCK KNOCK. WHO IS THERE. IT'S YOUR BOSS MIKE. LISTEN, GET RID OF THAT BABY. OH MY GOD.

BUT - GOOD. WHY DON'T I ACCEPT A QUESTION FROM A REAL REPORTER? YOU SIR. YES HELLO, I'M ACTUALLY YOR PETE BUTTIGIEG, I'M ALSO A CANDIDATE, FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS. BACK BUTTIGIEG. AMY KLOBUCHAR. YES, ALL THE MODERATE IN THE MIDWEST IS MINE. SO STAY OUT OF MY CENTER LANE, BITCH. I'M FROM MINNESOTA, SO I'LL GET YOU IN LINE AT THE TARGET, SON. I'M SORRY, SON. DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD, I WAS A MAYOR. OH, YES YOU ARE. HERE. YOU HAVE SOMETHING THERE. IT'S MY SPIT. LOOK, LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY TWO THINGS AMERICA. NUMBER ONE, WE NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN HANDLE THIS WHO WE CAN TRUST.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG SUPPORTED GEORGE W. BUSH, SUPPORTED LINDSEY GRAHAM, FUNDED SARS. HE INVENTED TRAFFIC. HE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR McDONALD'S SERVING SPAGHETTI. HE WROTE AND DIRECTED THE MOVIE CATS. Drop your suitcases into the ocean from SPIRIT AIRLINES cargo holds. THIS IS A BAD MAN. AND NUMBER TWO, USE PUREL. NO, NO, NO. NO NO NO NO. WITHOUT PUREL. I HAVE A BOTTLE OF THAT GARBAGE AND ON THE LABEL IT SAYS IT KILLS 99.99% OF THE GERMS. WHAT ABOUT THE TOP 0.01%? WHY DO WE PROTECT THEM? I SAY ENOUGH WITH THE POTIONS. JUST USE A GOOD OLD BAR SOAP AND HOT WATER.

NOW I COULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR SAYING THIS. BUT YOU KNOW WHO WAS GREAT AT WASHING HER HANDS? JOSEPH STALIN. JUST SAYING. JUST SAY. LOOK, LOOK, I'M NOT AFRAID OF A LITTLE COUGH. I ANNOUNCED MY CAMPAIGN IN A SNOW STORM. I mean, that was crazy. A SNOW STORM, WHO WOULD DO THAT? I'm in this to WIN IT, BABY. I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE IT. AND THAT COULD BE A PROBLEM. CAN I MENTION THAT I AM THE ONLY CANDIDATE HERE WHO IS NOT GOING TO LOSE. SUCCEED? NO, TO THE CORONAVIRUS. YOU ARE ALL IN A VERY HIGH RISK DEMOGRAPHIC WORLD.

DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIGH RISK? I have it on good authority that Pete Buttigieg coughs into his hands. Yes, yes, cough right into the hand. NOT THE ELBOW, WHICH WE ALL AGREE IS NOT PERFECT. BUT AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING. AMERICA DOESN'T NEED A HAND COUGH. THEY NEED A PRESIDENT WHO IS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW TYPHOID MARY. AND ANOTHER THING, AND THIS DOES NOT EVEN APPLY TO ALL OF YOU. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!