Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open - SNL

YELLOW. IT'S DONALD TRUMP. WHO IS IT? IT'S MICHAEL COHEN. GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH. OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, FRIEND. HOW ARE YOU IN PRISON? I AM NOT IN PRISON. OH, WELL, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS. MR. TRUMP, WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE. I THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT OUR ALLUSSION-CAY AND OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE-JAY. SORRY, I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK SPANISH. WAIT, ARE YOU ON A SECURE LINE? ABSOLUTELY. I MARKED STAR-86 BEFORE THE NUMBER, SO IT IS COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE. MISTER. TRUMP, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT TO DO! YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY ABOUT STORMY DANIELS PAYMENT.

LOOK, LET'S PUT RUDY GIULIANI ON THE PHONE. HE WILL FIX THIS. SHE HAS THE SHARPEST LEGAL MIND SINCE "MY COUSIN VINNIE." OKAY, BUT JUST TO BE SURE, LET ME CALL YOU ON ONE OF MY ADVANCED PHONE NUMBERS. WAIT, YOU KEEP THE BURNER PHONES? THAT'S NOT GOOD. YES, HELLO, THIS IS DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE MEDICAL HISTORY OF MY PATIENTS? Hey, MAN, I'M SORRY. I TRIED TO CALL TRUMP, DONALD, BUT I CALLED TRUMP DOCTOR. IS THAT YOU, MICHAEL COHEN? MICHAEL, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED. SOMEONE ENTERED MY OFFICE AND STOLEN MY FILES. I guess you could say I was raped!

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN SAY THAT. WELL, I DID IT. RAPED! EVERYTHING WELL. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER? NO. I'M...I'M BUSY LATER. I'M KIDDING. I HAVE ZERO PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL COMMITMENTS. BUT IF ANYONE WANTS TO TAKE DRUGS, I CAN GET YOU ALL THE DRUGS. EVERYTHING WELL. I'll call you again, HAROLD. BYE BYE. EVERYTHING WELL. Well, I'll be sitting here in my office, where I live. BYE BYE! HELLO? Hey - RUDY? IT'S YOU? YES. THAT'S HOW IT IS. IT'S ME. RUDI. RUDY GIULIANI, TRUMP'S LAWYER AND HIS WORST NIGHTMARE. LOOK, RUDY, CAN WE TALK FREELY? ARE YOU ALONE?

YES, YES, I'M PRETTY ALONE. THIS IS A COMMERCIAL BREAK, RIGHT? NO. WELL, YES, WE'RE GOOD TO TALK. WE ARE GOOD TO TALK. EVERYTHING WELL. LET ME IN TO MR. TRIUMPH. ALRIGHT. ARE THEY ALL ON? YES. EVERYTHING WELL. GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE TELL A LIE AND STICK WITH IT? BECAUSE OUR STORIES ARE EVERYWHERE. GUYS, KEEP THAT THOUGHT. I AM RECEIVING A CALL FROM WORK. MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE LOST ALL CREDIBILITY. DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THE STORMY DANIELS MATTER? YES, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO. GOOD, GOOD! AS LONG AS WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE.

I'M GOOD TO GO. I'LL SEE YOU MONDAY. WELL, I'M BACK. HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CAN WE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS? I'm supposed to make 25 more talk show appearances today and I'm trying to make it like an Advent calendar, you know, where I reveal a new crime on each show. HEY, I'M GETTING ANOTHER CALL. HOLD ON. HELLO, MICHAEL? IT'S MELANIA. OH, HEY, MELANIA! I WAS JUST TALKING TO DONALD ABOUT -- OH, UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION FOR A FRIEND OF MINE, OKAY? IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ACCUSED OF A CRIME, WOULD YOU HAVE TO WITNESS AGAINST HIM?

NO. BUT SHE COULD? IF SHE WANTS? I guess I could. OH, MY FRIEND WILL BE VERY HAPPY. THANK YOU MICHAEL. GOOD. WAIT. WHAT PHONE WAS MR. TRUMP? HELLO? YES THIS IS OMAROSA AND I'M STILL ANGRY! NO. HELLO? HELLO, STRANGER. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? MIKE PENCE? WHO IS THIS? THEY TOLD ME THIS WAS A NO QUESTIONS QUESTIONED PARTY LINE. I - I HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK. EH -- HELLO? YES, THIS IS IVANKA AND JARED. HELLO. HELLO. HELLO. MICHAEL, DID WE HEAR GIULIANI CALL JARED "DISPOTABLE" ON NATIONAL TELEVISION? BECAUSE JARED IS FURIOUS. YEAH MAN I'M LIKE WHAT THE HELL I'M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME. I COULD CUT A BITCH. Don't even try to cover me, okay? YOU KNOW, IVANKA, YOUR DAD WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT YOU, BUT IF HE NEEDED IT, HE WOULD THROW JARED UNDER THE BUS IN A WAY. WHAT DID HE SAY? HE SAID YOU'RE FINE. YOU KNOW, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. MR. TRIUMPH? WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, MICHAEL? I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT ON HOLD. I'm supposed to meet with my new chief strategist, Kanye West. SO WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? CALL STORMY DANIELS AND FIX THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Maybe you'll keep me on the phone too. I will stay silent and listen. MICHAEL? STORM? THIS IS MICHAEL COHEN. ARE YOU ALONE? YES. AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? EXCUSE ME? WELL MICHAEL, I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE. FINE, BUT AS YOUR LAWYER, I HIGHLY ADVISE YOU AGAINST -- SO WHAT'S UP, GIRL? HELLO, DONALD. COME ON, STORMY, STOP MAKING SO BIG RELIEF ABOUT THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S JUST AN ACT. I WORK ON AN ADULT FILM. WE ARE REALLY NOT KNOWN FOR OUR PERFORMANCE. JUST TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU NEED FOR ALL THIS TO GO OFF? A DISCLAIMER.

YES, CORRECT. BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE MAKING PORN. ONCE YOU DO IT, IT'S DIFFICULT TO DO ANYTHING ELSE. ALSO, MY POLL NUMBERS ARE FINALLY UP. AND SPEAKING OF THE "POLLS" ARE UP... OH COME ON, WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE SHARK WEEK. I SOLVED NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA. WHY CAN'T I RESOLVE US? SORRY, DONALD. IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT. I KNOW YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT IN A COME, BABY. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED AND SO HOT AT THE SAME TIME. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!