Stop doubting yourself and go after what you really, really want | Mario Lanzarotti | TEDxWilmington

Transcriber: Martina Giambattista Reviewer: Emma Gon Would you believe me if I told you that

doubting

yourself

is one of the best things that ever happened to you? Oh

really

. Right now, some of you may be confused. Me too. But when I learned the truth about doubt, my life was transformed forever. So today let's take a little journey that could transform your life too. Let's explore:

what

is doubt? How does it manifest itself in your life? And how can you make him your friend? Doubt is a mental conversation in which your mind questions your ability to find a desirable solution to a perceived problem.

For example: What if I'm not strong enough to handle the pressure of running my business? What if I don't know enough to pass this important test? What if I never find my true purpose in life? Do questions like these keep you up at night? Doubt can silence your intuition and keep you from even discovering

what

you

really

want

. You end up following the voice of should, which is a confusing combination of the advice you get from “experts.” And while there may be a lot of wisdom, there are also many outdated views that no longer support you in your evolution as a human being.

My first major encounter with self-doubt began when I graduated high school and asked myself: What should I do with my life? I felt stuck and full of self-doubt because so many of my classmates seem to have it figured out. I had no idea. I was inspired like most high school students: from Hollywood. I saw the movie "Catch Me If You Can." Do you know the movie? This guy had no doubts. I watched Frank Abagnale go from living a normal life to traveling the world while he made so much money and received so much respect. That's what he

want

ed.

No no no. He didn't want to be a scammer. He wanted to be a pilot. I could see myself wearing that uniform, sunglasses, surrounded by beautiful women, and finally feeling like I had my life figured out. There was only one small but important problem: passing the pilot tests. Look, if you didn't pass the test, you'll never get another chance as long as you're alive. And 95% of the thousands of applicants fail. Can you imagine the self-doubt? Who am I to try this? No one in my family had ever done anything like that. What happens if I fail?

I learned something profound. In the pursuit of bigger dreams and goals there is a dark side. We tend to build an identity around being the successful person who always finds great solutions. But how do you feel when you don't? How do you feel when things don't go as you imagined? How do you handle that part of you that feels anxious, inadequate and insecure? Most of us leave it aside. We focus on being busy. We rationalize our feelings as unimportant. We don't like to talk about how much we doubt ourselves because we think it makes us look weak.

So when you strip away all the glory that comes with chasing bigger dreams and goals, you discover a daily reality for many of us. We feel alone. Lonely because we think people wouldn't really understand us if they really knew how we felt. So we end up alone with our doubts, trying to figure this all out for ourselves. Lonely, because if you remove the constant doing from our lives, well, who are we really? Loneliness is one of the greatest allies of doubt. I felt alone and shared my feelings with my father. He made a few calls, and several weeks later, I was invited to ride the carpet with an airline captain.

He was embarrassed. I thought that by talking to him about my doubts, it would seem that I don't have what it takes to become a pilot. However, somehow I found the courage to reveal my fears and doubts. And what he told me transformed my life. He said, “Mario, everyone has doubts.” Only those who have the courage to admit it will find the support that allows them to move forward. That conversation gave me the confidence and courage I needed. A year and a half later I began my pilot training. Yes. (Laughs) The first thing I learned is that to overcome my doubts, I had to share them with someone I trusted.

And it was like riding a wave of joy and happiness. I was ready to take off. But they didn't give me permission to take off, because the doubters had other plans. I felt completely out of place, like an imposter, constantly comparing myself to my peers who were so passionate about flying while I didn't seem to fit in. My motivation for becoming a pilot was not a genuine passion for aviation. I wanted the money and status so I could feel like I had done something meaningful and be respected. I wanted to go out. And I was too afraid to admit that I was suffering to the point of depression and suicidal thoughts.

And then I remembered the wise words of the pilot, who told me: “Mario, everyone has doubts. Only those who are brave enough to admit it will find the support that allows them to move forward, while still

doubting

themselves.” When you have the courage to be vulnerable and reveal your doubts to people you trust, you build a greater sense of confidence within

yourself

. True human connection builds self-confidence. Have the courage to reveal your doubts to someone you trust to remove the control that doubt has over you. The number one key to overcoming self-doubt and pursuing what you really want is to share it with people you trust, so you can find the courage to continue.

I decided to talk openly about my depression and then decided to leave this career with the people in my life. What I feared was their judgment and rejection. But what I received was love and acceptance when I spoke my truth. Although my pilot career didn't work out, I learned to fly because I found my true calling. During my lowest moments, I would watch motivational videos and it was like finally coming home, and I knew that one day I too would guide people to free their minds from the doubts that hold them back. Here's something else I discovered.

There is a big lie in the personal development industry. You must become brave and eliminate all doubts from your life. You may have heard this and you may even believe it. Remember how we started with the idea that self-doubt is one of the best things that ever happened to you? I wasn't going to keep this to myself. So here it goes. There is nothing that makes you doubt more than to declare: I must not doubt myself. It doesn't matter what your success story is. Heck, you may have even written a book on overcoming self-doubt. As long as you live this human experience, fear and doubt will be part of your life.

And the more you resist doubting yourself, the more power doubt has over you. This is because your mind cannot distinguish between what you want and what you don't want. It will always give more power to what you focus on. So it's not the doubt that

stop

s you. It's your relationship with it. When you approach doubt as an enemy, you make it stronger. However, if you see him as a friend, he can help you unlock your true potential. So consider this, what if every time you felt the doubt and anxiety that this brings, instead of grabbing that snack or checking your phone to distract yourself from that uncomfortable feeling, you decided to give yourself love?

What if self-doubt really demands that you fill your self-love tank? That means breathing deeply. Giving you a hug. Making sure you are on the right path. Filling your tank with self-love means imagining a life where you can give yourself everything you need, no matter what the world is like. Wouldn't that be amazing? So key number two to overcoming self-doubt is to develop a love relationship with self-doubt, so you can go after what you really want. Are you starting to see how self-doubt can be one of the best things ever? You may not end up becoming a pilot.

Maybe you won't marry your first love. You may not get your dream job. You may not achieve that lofty goal. You will find something much deeper. You will realize the true power within. Understand this: When striving to achieve desired goals, what you really want are the positive emotions those goals promise. True freedom comes when you no longer rely on your achievements to give you permission to fall in love with who you are now. When you can love the person in the mirror, regardless of your achievements, you become truly un

stop

pable. That's because loving yourself brings peace and happiness.

So the next time doubt arises, don't fight it, embrace it like a friend who wants to remind you to fill your tank with self-love. Learning often takes a little longer than we think it should. After I decided to leave my flying career and discovered my true calling, I still perceived doubts as my enemy. I was too afraid to fail again. It would take me another seven years to realize this dream. I kept remembering my experience as a pilot, thinking I should have known better from the beginning. I gave up too soon, I'm a quitter. A guaranteed formula for staying stuck in self-doubt: often blaming yourself for what you have or haven't done.

My friends, not knowing how to face your doubts delays your dreams. This is because when you think about leaving your comfort zone, your brain will scan past events to assess the risks. That might sound something like: “Hey, bro, remember that time you invested all your savings in a cryptocurrency and it didn't work out? Yes. That time idiot. It will never happen again. From now on, you will play it safe.” Your brain really wants to protect you from getting hurt again. But what if there was a way to tell your brain that the pain of my past doesn't determine the possibility of my future?

Have courage to move forward, there is a way. Forgive yourself for your past failures. Now, that can be scary because forgiveness is so misunderstood. You may feel that forgiveness weakens you because you admit that you let your guard down. As Mahatma Gandhi observed, the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is a sign of the strong. Forgiveness means stopping denying reality, because your brain will tell you all kinds of false stories. One of the greatest beings, could have done something different. The fact that you acted the way you acted is all the proof you need to know that you couldn't have acted differently.

Your mental, physical and emotional state produced the only possible result. Then it's not your fault. And you couldn't have done anything differently. Because you have had the experience, you now have new knowledge that allows you to make a new decision. You are now responsible for deciding what you are going to do with the wisdom you have gained from that experience. Will you let it be the weight of the past that you still drag behind you today? Or will you use it to become wiser, more loving and braver? Choose to be wiser. I challenge you to decide to forgive yourself for everything you think you did wrong.

Stop blaming yourself. Give yourself permission to express a new level of confidence, passion and commitment, which will lead you to your best life. So key number three to overcoming self-doubt and going after what you really want is to forgive yourself for your past failures and mistakes so that you can reap the wisdom from them. As I learned to forgive myself, I found the courage to do what I do today, which is truly what fills my life with so much meaning. With the keys that I shared with you today, I opened the door to free my mind from the thoughts that were holding me back.

And if I can do it, you can do it too. On the other side of the doubts is the person you have been looking for all your life. Remember, loving yourself eliminates the power of doubt, because doubt only exists as an illusion in your mind, and your heart has no illusions like that. The most important journey of your life is the one you take from your head, through doubts, to your heart. And that's why self-doubt is one of the best things ever. (Applause)