Classics Summarized: Beowulf

Beowulf was written just over a thousand years ago and is one of the oldest surviving English texts. And by the way, that's "English" with big shiny quotes, because it's written in Old English. Now, you could confuse Old English with everything Shakespeare wrote. You know, all those "really" and "really" and all that. But that's actually early modern English. Otherwise, you might think that the garbled language in which Chaucer wrote the Canterbury Tales must be Old English. You know, those things you can read, but they're written with weird spelling and pronounced like you have a golf ball on each cheek?

Well, I'm afraid that's just Middle English. No, if you want to know what Old English was like, look no further than OH GOD! Where do you start?! One thing to note about Beowulf is that once it is reduced to its essential textual components, it is actually a remarkable short story, especially by the standards of epic poetry. This is because the writing style of the time involved a kind of "passing exposition", in which the narrator changed course at random intervals and explained vast and complex historical contexts to provide background information, from a line of important kings to a small pile of gold.

So if you strip away all that nonsense, you're left with a nice, simple story about how one man defeated three giant monsters, became king of a small country, and inspired the best parts of J.R.R. Tolkien as Skyrim. This is good for me because, if you haven't noticed, I love to talk. And between the simplicity of the story and the brevity of the text, I have plenty of time to talk about the quirks of Beowulf without exceeding my arbitrary time limit. For example! Did you know that "Beowulf" literally means "wolf bee," which in turn was a colloquialism that could be translated as "hunting bee," which in turn simply meant "bear"?

Well, now it is! So our story begins with some background. Yeah, I know what I said, but this part is really cool, so keep going. Once upon a time in ancient Denmark there was a great king named Scyld Scefing. He does not appear in this book. But Scyld had a powerful son: Beowulf, who became an equally powerful king when Scyld died. But, despite the name, this was a different Beowulf, who also does not appear in this book. Beowulf (not that one yet) in turn had a son, Healfdene, who sparked a long feud between his family and the heathobards by allowing him to be killed by Froda, a former Danish king and lord of the heathobards, who was also said to be that his brother could have been.

And none of this is in the book either. Isn't this cute? But Healfdene managed to have four children before she died (although one of his names has been lost). The three children we meet were Heorogar, Helga, and Hrothgar (no bond). Of these children, Hrothgar does appear in our story. He won a great war and was thus crowned king, and decided to use his newfound wealth and power to build the ultimate venue for the party, a massive Medehal which he called Heorot. There he and his Thanes spent their holidays, and this is where our story really begins. "But hey now!" I hear you calling. "I thought this story was supposed to be about Beowulf?

I mean, it's his name on the cover, other than that fake one with the same name two generations ago, we haven't heard anything about this Beowulf guy. What's up?" Geez, you're pretty impatient, aren't you? Do I give you hope by telling you that this story will be short and then you behave like this? What a shame. Besides, it wasn't over yet. This story took place a long time ago, in that magical, indefinite period when it was accepted that spirits, ghosts and beasts of all ages walked around and caused trouble. And in Hrothgar's lands, the worst of these monsters was an ugly piece of shit named Grendel.

Grendel, we learn, is a big, ugly giant descended from the original villain, the biblical Cain, and he lives in a dirty swamp near a monster-infested lake called, appropriately, Monster Lake. But the construction of this new Medehal is starting to disturb his natural habitat, especially since the sounds of the 24-hour party circuit taking place a meter from his house make him a little grumpier than usual. Grendel has a Grinch complex the size of East Texas, and when he listens to Heorot's near-constant carousing, he gets a great idea, of a terrible kind. The easiest way to stop the party is to kill all the attendees!

Well, uh... you have to give him points for efficiency. So that night, Grendel goes to the Medehal, breaks down the door, kills 30 Thanes, and returns home. This violent party crash is becoming a trend overnight, which is disturbing for several reasons, one of which is the fact that a hellish beast that killed a group of friends did not ruin the atmosphere of the party the first time. But we shouldn't forget that these fine fellows were Norsemen, one of the most famous testosterone-poisoned cultures in all of human history, so it should come as no surprise that it takes several more nighttime kills by Grendel before Hrothgar can kill them. consider friends. , the Goths, to ask for a little help.

Either he got tired of losing his Thanes or he got tired of replacing that stupid door every day. Either way, it's time to call in the cavalry. Enter the Storm Goths, led by Beowulf! Look, I told you I would come. So Beowulf, right? This guy is just the coolest. Hrothgar has known him since he was a child, and since then Beowulf has made a name for himself by slaying monsters. Then Hrothgar asks what Beowulf's plan is for dealing with Grendel and Beowulf says, "Well, you know, I've been thinking. Grendel's not much of a warrior because he doesn't use weapons, is he?

Well, I guess it's just fair." Yes, when we fight, I don't use weapons either! And everyone says: "That's a great idea!" But an imminent fist fight with a terrifying giant killer is no reason not to celebrate in early Scandinavian cultures. It was a cause for celebration. So they go crazy for a while in Heorot, but one of the warriors doubts Beowulf's abilities! Then this guy, Unferth, says, "Hey, Beowulf! I heard you lost a week-long swimming competition against your friend Breka! How am I supposed to expect a loser like you to defeat Grendel?" And Beowulf is like; "I'm afraid that's true.

After a week of swimming in full armor, I'm afraid I can't say I beat Breka. But in my defense, the nine sea monsters I killed along the way slowed me down a bit. That's how it is! “Ooooo!” Then night falls and Beowulf prepares for the coming battle by ditching all of his armor and weapons and waiting in Heorot for Grendel to come stomping. And soon Grendel breaks down the door and meets Beowulf. So they beat each other up for a while and destroy the Heorot like crazy, and Beowulf wins by ripping off Grendel's arm with his bare hands.

Ha! He is... unarmed. Then Grendel gets scared and runs back to the lake to bleed out in peace, Beowulf gives Grendel's arm to Hrothgar to hang from the rafters of Heorot, and after completing the quest 'Kill Grendel', King Hrothgar fills to Beowulf of rewards and gives him access. to his halls and equipment, and will probably also allow him to buy a house in Whiterun. Unferth, that man from earlier, apologizes for doubting Beowulf's abilities and gives him an heirloom sword called Hrunting as a gift of apology. They all go and fix Heorot, then use their newly repaired Medehal to get drunk as hell.

Life is good. Until Grendel's mother bursts into the room, she kills Hrothgar's trusted advisor, grabs Grendel by the arm, and disappears into the night. So Hrothgar sends Beowulf to track down Grendel's mother and avenge the murdered Thane (Aeschere for those who care), and Beowulf begins hunting her. They follow her through a series of evil, cartoonish locations and end up at Monster Lake, where they find Aeschere's head, along with a whole menagerie of sea monsters, Beowulf prepares for battle by putting on his heavy armor and entering the lake to confront . Grendel's mother, who lives downstairs. For those of you concerned about your well-being, don't worry too much.

Beowulf's lungs are as big as railroad cars, and the entire day it takes him to reach the bottom of the lake simply bores him. But his boredom soon ends, because as soon as he nears the bottom, Grendel's mother ambushes him and drags him into her cave. Which is actually a pretty nice place. Anyway, they fought a glorious battle, but Beowulf's sword, Hrunting, fails to hurt her in any way. So he resorts to his tried and true method of using sick and cool fighting maneuvers. Unfortunately, Grendel's mother doesn't find this attempt at all impressive and she just starts stabbing him a bunch.

But luckily for Beowulf, Grendel's mother has a hamster virus and her cave is completely filled with magical weapons. He then takes a shiny looking sword that turns out to be super magical and manages to kill her with it. Then, after some searching, he finds Grendel's corpse and decapitates him to bring his head as a gift to Hrothgar. Funny story about that, because it turns out that both Grendel and Grendel's mother were completely immune to deadly weapons. But the sword that Beowulf grasped was forged by giants and was therefore capable of wounding them. Why Grendel's mother kept what could kill him within reach of her is probably the subject of much academic debate.

Unfortunately, this magic sword seems to have had only one use. Because after Beowulf uses it to decapitate Grendel, the sword immediately dissolves. Then Beowulf swims back to the surface with Grendel's head and the hilt of the sword, which he gives to Hrothgar. Again they shower him with gifts, there are parties, etc, etc. Then Beowulf and the Goths, having killed all the monsters they felt obliged to, sail back to his homeland, where Beowulf gives many treasures to his king. Hygelac and is hailed as a great hero. In gratitude, King Hygelac gives him a fine sword, a lot of land and a very beautiful house.

Oh my god, this is Skyrim. But before we continue, let's talk about that single-use sword, because it's actually pretty interesting. Firstly, the hilt is engraved with vague biblical scenes about how the giants were swept away by the great flood, in God's attempt to end all evil. The hilt is also covered in Norse runes that imply some form of magic. Which is interesting, because historically, pagan magic and Christianity didn't go well together. And the other interesting thing about this sword is that it was described as damascene. That is, it has gone through the process of making Damascus steel.

For those who don't know, Damascus steel is a legendarily strong metal whose forging process has been lost. This has frustrated modern metallurgists to no end, because there are a lot of Damascus blades out there, and you'd think we could rebuild something. But not. Every time we try we find weirder and weirder things about Damascus steel that make us want to know even more how to make it. For example, the leaves not only look cool and magical, a bit like liquid metal, but they have also been shown to contain carbon nanotubes. Damn carbon nanotubes. How can that happen?!

Anyway, back to Beowulf. Then King Hygelac and his relatives die and Beowulf becomes king of the Goths. So he rules without incident for a full 50 years. It keeps going until a rando pisses off a dragon by stealing a cup from his horde, and hey, guess what? Beowulf has another monster to fight. As background, the dragon had been cooling in a mound filled with gold for God knows how long. The mound was for a group of warriors of some ancient and noble race, and was filled with valuable objects. The dragon lived there undisturbed until a Trixie Hobbit snuck in and stole his favorite teacup or something.

The dragon strongly objected to this and decided to pursue the thief the old fashioned way. Him burning everything he sees, because in the end he has to beat up the criminal. And hey, if this reminds you of anything…yeah, no coincidence. Tolkien was a fan of the

classics

. But the dragon angers the wrong Goot when he sets fire to Beowulf's house. So Beowulf does this and decides to challenge the dragon to a one-on-one battle. So Beowulf and his 12 backup dancers set out to find the dragon, taking with them the thief and the stolen shiny object. Now you might think that using guns to kill a 100-foot, fire-breathing hellspawn might be considered unsportsmanlike.

But Beowulf recognizes that fighting a dragon with his bare hands might not end well for him. Then he takes with him that beautiful sword that Hygelac gave him. It's called Naegling, it's a family heirloom, and it shines terribly. But that doesn't matter for long, because three seconds of fighting are already broken into two. God, swords go through here like coffee filters. So most of Beowulf's band flees into the forest, except one, Wiglaf, one of Beowulf's relatives, who could not stand by and watch as Beowulf was slightlydisturbed by a wave of hellfire. So Wiglaf runs towards Beowulf, just in time to see the dragon bite him in the neck!

Now you might be thinking this is a Beowulf problem. So of course you weren't paying attention. Beowulf takes the opportunity to grab his dagger, while Wiglaf finds a weak spot between the dragon's scales and attacks. After which Beowulf finishes the job with his trusty knife, so now that the fight is over, you'd think Beowulf would start succumbing to that massive wound on his neck, right? No, he's too cool to succumb to something as insignificant as extreme blood loss. But the dragon's deadly venom, on the other hand, can certainly pose a problem. So Beowulf is dying and says; "Wiglaf, come closer.

I have one last request. Can you remove the treasure from the mound so that I can take one last look at the wealth I have just gained?" Then Wiglaf slips into the mound and returns with a heap of the brightest treasures, and Beowulf says; "Thanks boy, have fun like the next king!" and he dies. Then Wiglaf, now King Wiglaf, banishes the 11 men who fled from the dragon, and the Goths recover the rest of the dragon's treasure and hold Beowulf's funeral. They then built a large pit for Beowulf, in which they reburied the dragon's treasure. Where, according to the text, he lies to this day.

But don't expect too much from it. Probably some dragon has already claimed it.