Classics Summarized: Dante's Inferno

Heaven and hell have long fascinated writers, poets, and all other artistic types who have their heads in the clouds or, as the person varies, several miles underground and on fire. But there is one iconic text that has essentially served as a hitchhiker's guide to hell for almost seven hundred years, and it was written by one Dante Alighieri. It's called "The Divine Comedy," but most people only care about the first third, with the descriptive title "Inferno." Which is actually a strange title, because... only part of hell is on fire, and the worst parts are pretty interesting. But I digress!

What you need to know about "The Inferno" before watching it is that it's essentially Dante's self-presented historical fan fiction. In which he teams up with his role model/celebrity crush, Virgil, and watches all of his enemies burn in hell for eternity. The other thing we have to remember is that Dante was Italian, meaning Roman, meaning he didn't like the Greeks very much. Especially not those responsible for the destruction of Troy. So let's keep this in mind as we read this historical revenge fic: Dante's Inferno. Our story begins with our friend Dante wandering through this super sketchy forest at the base of a mountain.

Specifically The Mount of Beatitudes. Unfortunately, this is not actually a mountain of infinite candy, but rather a symbolic representation of heaven, which could hypothetically be a mountain of infinite candy, but I have a feeling my dentist would disagree with my analysis. With nothing better to do, Dante attempts to climb this mountain, only to discover that, because he is somehow unworthy, his progress is blocked by a ferocious panther, a lion, and a wolf. And then Virgil appears! For those who don't know, Virgil is an ancient Roman poet who, among other things, wrote the Aeneid, and it turns out that Dante is his biggest fan.

Then Virgil says, "Looks like you're too boring to go to heaven. Luckily, your dead friend Beatrice sent me to toughen you up." And Dante says: "Ahh!!! Vergil senpai, I'm your biggest fan! !!!!" Virgil then leads Dante away from the mountain and takes him down on an individual tour of hell. They first come to a door with a long, complicated inscription that ends in the now iconic line: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Then Virgil says, "Okay, Dante. Welcome to hell." And Dante says, "Hey! Why do I hear so much screaming?" And Virgil says, "I said 'welcome to hell,' you idiot, what part of that wasn't clear?" So hell is (unsurprisingly) pretty intense.

There are guys who get stung by insects, hornets. All those good things. And we're not even in real hell yet. Dante and Virgil must cross the Acheron River before even entering the first circle. So they arrive at the river Acheron, where the gruff boatswain Charon takes them across the river to hell on a very uncomfortable ferry ride, where it turns out that Dante is the only living man on a ship full of the dead. On the way, Dante faints from discomfort and wakes up on the other side of the river, in the first circle of Hell.

So the first circle isn't really Hell either. It's more like dietary hell. It's officially called Limbo and it's where all the souls whose only crime is a clear lack of Christianity end up. Virgil mentions that in ancient times, the Great J himself descended and took some worthy souls to Heaven. Anyway, Dante and Virgil happily continue on their way and meet a welcoming party of four other famous poets: Homer, Horace, Ovid, and Lucan. A true Dead Poets Society, you could say. Anyway, Dante gets the chance to hang out with all the interesting young poets, just like he always dreamed of.

It almost seems like wish fulfillment, right? Also relaxing in Limbo are a group of heroes from classical Roman history, including Hector, Aeneas, Caesar, and a few others. Then, Dante and Virgil continue leaving Limbo and reach the second circle of Hell. It is guarded by King Minos, who judges every soul that enters. Fortunately, Virgil is Dante's "Go to Hell Free Card," so he avoids Judgy-McJudge's judgmental eyes and is allowed to enter the second circle freely. He is lucky. So the second circle is quite windy and dark, and this wind is actually the punishment for the souls of the second circle, who have been sent there because of their lust.

You won't be surprised that this circle is filled with the sexiest women in history, along with Paris and Achilles, for some reason. Yes, I'm not going to lie. Of all the possible eternal punishments one could suffer, I would say that rooming with Cleopatra and Helen of Troy forever is the one I would choose. Then Dante faints again because, as mentioned before, the guy is a real coward. Although shortly after he wakes up and they head to the third circle, where it rains all the time as a kind of environmental punishment for gluttony. Honestly, I don't really understand this punishment.

I mean, rain is uncomfortable, but I don't see how it's symbolically related. Oh well, whatever. So they move on to the fourth circle, which is guarded by Pluto, widely regarded as the Greek god of wealth, but here he is relegated to the less impressive status of guardian of the prison of the fourth circle of hell, where greed is punished. And the fourth circle is pretty strange, even by Hell's standards. The souls who end up here are forced to throw large rocks at each other in a strange, inefficient parody of jousting, and this sounds less like a hellish punishment and more like an activity from my high school gym class.

Wait, bad example. The strangeness also seems to affect Dante and Virgil, who run toward the River Styx, which apparently lies between the fourth and sixth circles of Hell, rather than around the borders of Hades. Who would have thought that?! So, Styx, also known as the fifth circle of hell, is the home of an ongoing underwater fight between all the souls whose sin was wrath. While those who suffer from bad moods, anger's emo cousin, simply sink to the bottom and hope someone notices how moody and tormented they are. So Dante and Virgil are taken across the Styx by this grumpy demon named Phlegyas, and after a brief interlude where Dante is accosted by this guy he knows, and, side note: this happens a lot, by the way.

I skip most of that. Thus they reach the distant shores of the Styx and approach the city of Dis, where the four lower circles are located. Dis's main feature is that it is almost completely on fire and is guarded by some extremely grumpy fallen angels, who really have no interest in allowing Dante and Virgil into their city. Virgil tries to dissuade them and ends up with an attack by the Furies over his problem, and in my experience that's how most bureaucratic processes end. Then the Furies threaten to send Medusa against our dynamic duo, and Virgil covers Dante's eyes to protect him, when a literal Deus ex machina appears in the form of a friendly angel, sent by the Great Man himself; who opens the gates of Dis to them, then delivers a sickening verbal beating to the various demons that threatened our heroes, and then disappears back to where he came from.

Then our heroes finally enter the hellish city of Dis. They are lucky for a moment. Anyway, the first thing they see in Dis is the sixth circle of Hell, which is full of heretics in burning coffins. Charming place. Dante then talks to some residents of the burning coffin, who aren't too thrilled to see him. Ha! Excited, you know? Because they are on fire. I'll let myself out. So at this point they are approaching the lower levels of Hell, so the circles become much smaller and closer together, and Virgil warns Dante that they too have reached the bad neighborhood of Hell, and that as of This moment you shouldn't do anything. eye contact or talk to the souls he sees.

Virgil also explains that the seventh circle is reserved for the violent, which is a surprisingly broad category because it includes people who challenge God through blasphemy or polluting nature. And yes, I have chosen to interpret nature pollution as a broad category that includes, but is not limited to: littering. Anyway, Virgil and Dante encounter the Minotaur, who is inexplicably guarding the seventh circle, and even more inexplicably by the fact that he lets them pass, and it's not just the Minotaur, the seventh circle in general is actually , quite cheerful from the beginning. Full of friendly centaurs who don't even get punished for anything.

Now they have stable jobs and all they have to do to receive that monthly salary is shoot arrows at the unfortunate souls who manage to escape the river of boiling blood. Oh yeah. She had forgotten. This is hell after all! So yes! The aforementioned river of blood is filled with violent conquerors of the past, including Alexander the Great, Attila the Hun, and one Dionysus. Not to be confused with the eternally drunk and hungry Greek deity Dionysus. Anyway, the friendly centaurs help them cross the river and they find themselves in a scary forest full of poisonous thorns and harpies.

Yaaay! And to make matters worse, all the trees used to be people. Yes, this is the proverbial suicide forest where everyone who commits violence against themselves ends up. Yes, the seventh circle of hell is all joy so far. Then Dante takes the leaves to one of the trees and they follow his merry path. Things start to heat up when they reach the interior of the seventh circle, a huge desert where fire constantly rains down. Especially reserved for blasphemers and people who don't clean up after themselves. Dante meets up with a former teacher of his, who is actually in hell only because he isn't exactly the straightest crayon in the box.

But he's still a cool guy, so they have a nice reunion, and then Dante and Virgil continue to the edge of the eighth circle, which unfortunately is a giant, impassable cliff. But luckily for our heroes, Geryon, a friendly neighborhood monster, appears and gently drags them into the depths of hell. They are lucky for a moment. This is how Dante and Virgil arrive at the eighth circle of hell, which is reserved for people who commit all kinds of frauds. This part of Hell is officially called Malebolge and is much closer to the classic Hell of Fire and Brimstone than most of what we've seen so far.

In the outer circle of the eighth circle, unpleasant-looking demons torment souls with scourges. Jason, the hero of the Argonauts story, among others, is inexplicably trapped in this cycle. Presumably because he seduced some ladies on the way to the Golden Fleece, but honestly, he's probably REALLY stuck there because Dante just hates ALL Greek heroes. But really EVERYONE. More on that later. Further inside the circle is reserved for people who sell religious stalls for money. There's a word for that, but who cares? Where such sinners are disrespectfully thrown with their heads into pits and their feet set on fire.

Here Dante encounters a former Pope, who immediately accuses two other living Popes of also being guilty of his crimes. You would almost get the impression that Dante didn't like these popes at all, because he sent them all to hell in his own historical fiction. Onward and upward! - or maybe down. To the next part of the eighth circle. The sinners here are all sorcerers, astrologers and false prophets, and everyone here has been punished by turning their heads back. Dante says, "Noooo, how horrible!" and Virgil says, "Wow, how dare you feel sorry for the dead! They wouldn't be here if they didn't deserve it!" And in this part of hell we find another of our favorite Greek heroes, in this case, the prophet Tiresias.

Who, for the crime of being blessed with the gift of prophecy by Apollo himself, had his head smashed back forever into the eighth circle of Hell. Am I the only one who finds this shockingly unfair? Then Dante and Virgil arrive at a lake of boiling tar. Reserved exclusively for that special, depraved breed of people: POLITICIANS. This part of Hell is guarded by a vile race of demons called Malebranche, one of whom appears unexpectedly and throws a politician into the lake of tar, surprising Virgil and scaring poor Dante to death. Virgil lets Dante hide and then goes out to try to persuade the demons to let them pass, which they do.

And they even offer to guide our intrepid duo across the lake of tar. Along the way, Dante encounters several politicians he doesn't like and who kindly drag the Malebranches out of the tar lake so he can talk to them. Of course, being demons, the Malebranches take the opportunity to destroy the unfortunate politicians tooth and nail, and unfortunately one of them escapes and submerges again.in the boiling tar. And when the demons try to catch him again, they themselves get trapped. Funny, right? It is classic routines like this that make this text such a classic comedy. Virgil and Dante then try to sneak past the now angry demons, but they don't get very far before Malebranche decides that the politician's escape was somehow Dante's fault and begins chasing them.

Virgil picks up Dante and slides out of harm's way to the next part of the eighth circle, where hypocrites go when they die. Everyone here can wear a big, beautiful, golden cloak of lead forever. Do you understand? Because it is a symbol of their uselessness? Ha. And the only interesting guy here is the one responsible for crucifying the Big J, a guy named Caiphus. Then they walk to the next part of the eighth circle, which turns out to be the largest and most complicated of all the circles we have seen so far. Anyway, this enchanting place can best be described as a gigantic pit filled with magical snakes.

Yes. Damn, remember? So this particular snake pit is somehow worse than the average snake pit. Because these snakes have a magical bite that turns you into a random, crazy, and/or horrible creature and/or household object. Oh, and this part of Hell is dedicated to thieves, you see, and it's symbolic because they get robbed of their true form and everything. Anyway, they go a little deeper into Hell, and enter the part of the eighth circle where people who abuse their positions of power and commit fraud go. Everyone who stays here has their own personal fire bubble!

Which, honestly, sounds pretty cozy, but here's the thing: as mentioned above, Dante is Italian and therefore firmly on the side of the Romans in terms of history. And unfortunately, the Trojan War was won by the Greek side, clearly not Roman. While the surviving Trojans went off and founded Rome, or something like that. So Dante feels a kind of ancestral hatred towards all those legendary Greek heroes, especially those who were directly involved in the Trojan War. And that is why my friends Odysseus and Diomedes will burn forever in the eighth circle of Hell for that little adventure with the Trojan Horse.

Yes. This seems incredibly unfair to me. Especially considering the Odyssey. Hasn't the poor man suffered enough? Then Dante and Virgil move on from that little adventure to the next part of the eighth circle, where the sowers of discord are continually dismembered by a gigantic, multi-limbed demon. And we passed this chapter quickly, because Dante did something that was religiously forbidden and sent a certain well-known religious founder to this punishment. And all I'm going to say about it is that I'm not allowed to draw it. The next part of hell is reserved for alchemists, and the souls trapped here simultaneously experience the wonders of every disease known to man.

The poor bastard who let the Trojan Horse into Troy is also in this circle. Wow, looks like Dante has a grudge or something! Anyway, Dante and Virgil continue their comical journey through hell and eventually reach the edge of the ninth circle. It's bordered by a sheer cliff and is filled with chained biblical giants, along with a free, slightly friendlier giant, who kindly lowers them safely into the absolute depths of hell. They are lucky for a moment. The ninth circle is reserved for the worst of humanity. Which, by Dante's standard, means traitors can relax here forever. And I mean that literally.

The ninth circle is a large frozen lake called Cocytus, which should actually be one of the rivers of Hades, but whatever. We never ask for mythical authenticity. The various traitors they encounter are usually frozen to the neck. As they approach the center of hell, the souls sink deeper and deeper into the ice. Then the conversation dries up a bit as they approach the lowest point of hell. And there they find Lucifer. The great man himself. The head of hell, frozen to the nipples in ice. That...? Yeah, he doesn't exactly cut a majestic figure in this performance, does he?

What idiot thought ruling in hell would be fun? Anyway, this "SHINY 3-D HOLOGRAPHIC SPECIAL EDITION SATAN™" has three heads, each gnawing on a different soul. The one in the middle scolds Judas, while the other two do the same with Brutus and Cassius, who, as you may remember, are responsible for the murder of Julius Caesar, and I must say that it is a pretty harsh punishment for two. guys whose only crime was stabbing an old man with a nice hat. And thus ends the tour of Hell! Virgil grabs Dante and begins to descend on Satan, Shadow of the Colossus style, and soon after the two pass through the center of the Earth and emerge into Purgatory, all ready to set Dante on the path to redemption.

Or something.