Rodney Dangerfield Introduces the World to the Diceman (1987)

(audience applause) - Okay. Alright. I'm telling you, folks, the next gentleman is coming from Brooklyn, okay? (audience applauds) And I think the best way to describe him is to say that he is the typical boy next door. Say hello to Andrew Dice Clay, okay? Here we go, hello Andrés! (audience applause) (audience laughing) - Little Miss Muffet was sitting on a tuffet eating curds and whey. She came a spider, sat next to her and said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch? (Audience laughs and applauds) Jack and Jill walked up the hill, both with a dollar and a quarter.

Jill took $2.50. (audience laughs) Little blue boy, (snorts) she needed the money. (Audience laughs) There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children that her uterus fell out. (Audience laughs) Mary, Mary, quite the opposite, trim that pussy, it's so fucking hairy! (Audience laughs) Old mother Hubbard went to the closet to get her old dog a bone. She leaned in and Rover took over. (audience laughs) She has her own bone, I don't know. (audience applause) Yes, good old Mother Goose, remember her? I fucked her. (Audience laughs) Yeah, it's amazing, huh? So, that's the girl, huh?

How long do you spend with her? Four months, huh? Unfaithful? (Audience laughs) Yeah, not yet, of course. Yes me too. (Audience laughs) But you have to be careful, you know, when you get a good one, because there are a lot of diseases, nowadays you can't cheat. It's not like four or five years ago. Where you could come home, go to bed with a straight face. They ask me: where were you all night? Having coffee with the boys. (audience laughs) No, you weren't, you were fooling me! No, I was drinking coffee. Actually? (laughs) Yes. (audience laughs) Yes, of course, honey!

But if you cheat on her, do yourself a favor, she uses one of those condiments, you know what I'm talking about? (Audience laughs) But those things bother me, because they only come in one size. I mean, what are black people going to do? (Audience laughs) Go to a test? Yeah, three feet, man. Extra padding, don't want to blow the roof off this sucker, yeah. (Audience laughs) And think about the Chinese, come on. Put some gum on it! (Audience laughs) Alright, so you're going to go with her for four months, huh? Alright. Did you draw a nice one? (Audience laughs) In short, you suck a good cock, yes or no?

I mean, can she suck the chrome off a trailer and then sit back with a beer? To me that's a lady, you know what I'm saying? Because I'll tell you that nowadays they don't suck cocks like before. They dabble in it. They stay there, they shake him, they hit him. Oh, look how he jumps. (audience laughs) She can sing and dance too, now suck my cock, baby! And you know, you know they don't know what they're doing, because the second they start, they have to look you right in the eye, like, (audience laughing) It's like you're looking at a gopher, you know. ?

It's like, why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me, don't look at me, suck my cock! Concentrate! (Audience laughs) And juggle the balls, what are they, orphans, darling? It's a three-piece set, Working, perfecting, you can't have fun with the big guys, don't show up. (Audience laughing and applauding) I mean, they like it when we fall on them. Have you ever seen a vagina up close? It's frightening. It's like a haunted house down there. It is covered with bushes and weeds, it has to be cut with a machete. And depending on their mood, sometimes they just lie there.

Like you're not even in the room. You have to talk to them, baby, am I in the right place? (Audience laughs) A little further down. Circle left, what are we backing up a truck here? (Audience laughs) Because once you're there, this is not a five-minute trip. This is a weekend. And I'll tell you what, after 10 minutes it gets boring, you know? That's why I use a Walkman. (laughter) (audience laughing and applauding) Oh, yes. And then they turn around and say I'm not sensitive. I don't understand that, my girlfriend, she's like, well, what about foreplay? I'm coming, honey, didn't I hit you already today? (Audience laughs) I like that one, you'll hear things like, well, why do I always have a wet spot?

Honey, be glad you're in bed when I'm done with you. Look at the dog, he doesn't even have a pillow, he doesn't complain. So what if you eat from the same plate as your damn bed? I care about his needs. I mean, tonight, we are a small group and I can tell you this story. This very night, this girl is sucking my cock, right? It's a nice story, believe me, and she tells me, don't cum in my mouth, I tell her, honey, I don't want to fuck with your hair, we're in a nice restaurant. (Audience laughs) I assure you, that is why masturbation is king.

Oh yeah, you know it, I know it, so who are we lying to, huh? I ruined everything in the house when I was a child. I didn't care, socks, gloves. My mother has a mink coat that no longer needs a hanger, see what I'm saying here? (Audience laughs) I remember my mother saying, we're going to eat liver tonight, yeah, well, I ate it last night, mom. It was ok. And where do the Japanese come from? What's that? Didn't we drop two bombs on them a couple of years ago? What was in those pumps, fertilizer? (Audience laughs) And they are the worst drivers, I mean, how do you drive with your eyes three-quarters closed?

You could blindfold these people with dental floss, you don't give them car keys. (Audience laughs) It's incredible what I see, I can't take it anymore, I'm going crazy. I mean, I go into these stores all night, open 24 hours. They have people there. People, things, they're not even people, they don't even have a language, the things that work there. You go get soda, cigarettes and say, yeah, how much? How much does it cost? And they say, (unintelligible sounds) And I say, damn geek, where do they grow you, huh? What farm did they take you from? I'm telling you the truth.

I'm telling you for the honor of God, they should have a big sign at the airport that says, look, if you don't know the language, get out of the country. (the audience cheers and applauds)