Rodney Dangerfield’s Guide to Auto Repair (1985)

- You're all here today taking this course, how to be an

auto

mechanic, okay? Then it's your money, so pay attention. Alright? I mean you're paying $175 for the course, you know? - Wait a minute. It was 125. - Well, now it's 175. Do you know why? I didn't put it in writing. That's your first lesson. (Audience laughs) With clients you never put it in writing. The only way to do it, guys. I'll tell you that. Now we have some important things to go over here today, the mechanic needs to learn. The first thing is: a boy enters; No matter what happens to his car, you look him straight in the eyes and say, "You're not using this car tonight." - Oh yeah. - Bubba, come here and try this.

Okay, big guy? Bubba, try it now, will you? - I'm sorry, but you won't be able to drive this car at all. - Oh no. Bubba, come here, will you please? Bubba, no, no, no. I told you; You have to look the client directly in the eyes. Straight to the eyes. You must have trouble dancing, huh? (Audience laughs) Right in the eye and you say: You're not using this car tonight, are you? Okay Bubba, now sit down, okay. I would keep you after school, but I'm afraid of you. (Audience laughs) Now the next thing is really important.

The client arrives in a hurry, right? His car stopped. He ran out of battery. His wife and children are in the car. He is in panic. When he asks for help, you turn to him and say: Sorry, I'm alone here. I am alone. - Sure, alone. - What's happening? - What do you say when you have an assistant? - I don't care if you have 10 assistants. If the guy needs help, just look at him and say: I'm alone here. I'm all alone. (Audience laughs) That's it. Got it, Thorneberry? - I don't know why I joined this group. - I don't know either, you don't fit under a car. (Audience laughs) Alright, wait boy, wait, wait.

Back to business, back to business. Is it okay guys? A client arrives, right? He is lost. No matter where he goes, just tell him you're far away. (Audience laughs) Not in this city. So you get a map and you say, look, this is where you are now. You want to get there. You can't get there from here. Then you charge him a dollar for the map and leave. (Audience laughs) Now guys, I have a real gift for you today. A man who can teach you a lot. Today you will meet the workshop mechanic. - Alright. -He is the most famous graduate of this school.

His name is Dick Butkus. - Correct. - And I'll tell you about Dick, okay? Dick was the first to make sure the soap in the men's room had hair in it. - That's good. That's good. (Audience laughs) - That's right. And when a customer came into his garage and said: I'm in a hurry, he was the first to say: hey sir, I'm on my break. (Audience laughs) Yeah guys, here it is, right now. I just finished 22 sensational weeks in a garage in Newark, okay? It's beautiful and make him happy, okay? Dick Butkus! (Audience applauds) Come here.

Keep going honey, it's your floor. Go ahead Dick. - More importantly, I have the name tag. What does that say, son? -Vito. - Good. - But your name is Dick. - Correct. Because if Vito worked on your transmission and it breaks, how can anyone blame Dick? (Audience laughs) - That's my man. You're too much. You are beautiful. -To start with the students, his appearance is essential. Now I spend two hours every morning going through wardrobe and makeup. - Hey, no one looks like Dick by any chance, right? Two hours. Makeup and wardrobe. Two hours. Tell them baby. - I'll start with the basics.

First, a little grease under the nails. - How much fat, Dick? - Enough. But never too much. (Audience laughs) Okay, the last thing I want to leave you with is very important. The key to the men's bathroom. - Tell him. Come on, tell him. - Well well. It should always be attached to a piece of wood at least 50 times the size of the key. - Now remember, the men's bathroom is always closed. - How come they are always closed? -Al, it was your idea. You tell them. - Why is the men's bathroom closed? Is it so hard to understand?

We want to confuse people, that's why. We keep the register open, the safe is open, but the men's room is locked. (Audience laughs) So why do we keep the men's room locked? - Prevents theft, Al. - Stealing? What's there to steal in the men's room? I mean, in my life I've met all kinds of characters, guys who try to sell me a cool ring, a cool watch; No one tried to sell me a hot bath. Never never. (Audience laughs) Any questions here? - Yes, yesterday you said that workshop mechanics invented the phrase, who worked on this before? - That's how it is. - Well, I was a television

repair

man and we invented the phrase, who worked on this before? - Well, it's very easy to find out who started the sentence, who worked on this before?

Well, which came first, the TV or the car? (Audience laughs) Before I forget, I want to warn you. Never take your work home, okay? That's how I lost my wife. - What happened? - One night I came home from work and my wife and I wanted to make love. I forgot about myself, I took my work home. I looked at her and said, who worked with you before? (The audience laughs) - And what did she say, the television

repair

man? (Audience laughs) - Yeah, we have enough comedians around here, okay? Now the big one. How to handle a bill, okay?

Now, if a customer has any brains, he will not be happy with the bill. If that happens, he just smiles and says: I'll check it out. Then you walk up to a car they're working on and start talking on two feet. There is actually no one under the car. They are fake feet. (Audience laughs) You buy them. They cost $7 a pair. You slide them under a car and talk to them, okay? (Audience laughs) - I want to know what's going on here. - Oh! - Hello ma'am, there is a class here. - Well, because I want to teach someone a lesson. - What's the problem, ma'am? - The problem is this bill.

And don't give me that old fake feet routine. - Oh look, a regular customer. (Audience laughs) - Well, what about your bill? - First of all, when I brought my car, you gave me a quote of 100 dollars. - That's how it is. - Well, this bill is $200. Now, what happened to the $100 estimate? - Oh, you're right. I forgot. That makes $300. (Audience laughs) See what I mean, guys? I didn't put it in writing. You know what I mean? - This bill is not legitimate. - Isn't it legitimate? Are you kidding? It has to be legitimate. It has fat. (Audience laughs) - There will be blood on him if they don't do something about it. - I would like to help you ma'am, but I'm alone here. (Audience laughs) - Can you tell me when my car will be ready? - When your car will be ready, huh?

Are you guys ready? - You will not use this car tonight. (audience laughs)