Reacting to DRAW MY LIFE... not watched in 5 years

Ok, have fun, I love you, brick door, oh why am I so nervous that day? Today I'm watching a video that I haven't washed in five

years

. This is the video that when people put it on and I'm like relaxing in it. room I will get up and leave the room unless they turn it off and it's not that I don't like the past it's not that I'm ashamed of the past it's that the past is kind of crazy and it feels like another

life

and for some reason it just I am not a very sentimental person.

I'm the opposite of a hoarder when someone says oh no, but these sweet memories I throw away, away from my face. I hate them. So today I'm going to feel very uncomfortable and I'm going to review my

draw

ing of my

life

. I made this video when I was a bright-eyed young woman living in a basement and recorded it in a closet. I think she was pretty sure. I was going to school and also working at a restaurant called Frankie's, so these are different times, look at my face, oh my god, I was wearing too much white foundation, here we go, hello everyone, my name is Cosima, I sound so. young man hello everyone my name is Cosima I speak in a much lower octave when I feel comfortable in a much higher octave when I'm nervous I was very nervous my friends, teachers and strangers have always had trouble pronouncing my name so I just pass because of Cassie, they were now having trouble pronouncing my name because I lived in a predominantly white town where, for some reason, Cosima was the hardest name in the world for them to pronounce, they were like, Oh, personalized, personalized charisma, my food teacher with Hangover was like charisma and everyone laughed.

Me and I were like Kate, just call me Cassie, leave me alone. I was born on the 19th on the coldest day in December, as my dad likes to say. She wasn't very good at reading, speaking, acting back then. This is a girl trying. the best of us, well I'm the middle child and fortunately I never felt like the unloved middle child, my parents loved my older brother, my younger sister and me equally, oh I'm giving them good press. I liked being alone, I still do. I liked being mean, I still do, but you never realized how weird you are until other people let you know.

When I was very young, I spent a lot of time in Singapore and Malaysia and once, on the way to Singapore, I climbed on the wrong foot. side of an escalator to the top and jumped before security could catch me when I was little. I always wanted to do things to test the limits of what I could do, even if it was like I was at the limit, I would kill. I was like I looked down a giant flight of stairs and said, "You know what we're going up" and I just jumped up it or like I had a pitbull when I was little and I liked to irritate him to the point where he said: Come on, come on and then I would just like to run away from him as fast as I humanly could and try to get him to like being a bad dog and basically bite me to make it more fun.

It's fun to run away, I don't know, I'm just an adrenaline junkie. Granted, the trips to Singapore were by far the happiest moments of my life as everyone accepted my weirdness and the way of life there is very different from here. I was on a small farm in Malaysia for quite a while and the food was so simple, the way of life was so simple and wow, I can feel the anxiety. I stayed up all night just watching the fireflies and not being aware of time or taking a photo each time. I mean and oh yeah, I saw the fireflies in it and I mean this is cute, it's endearing as you know, before I got super comfortable.

I'd say it took me about 500 videos to get comfortable in front of the camera. Not all this. It doesn't come naturally to me, my boyfriend has a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Drama and he really helped me improve on camera because yeah, it's not, it just didn't come naturally to me when I came back to La Virge from Singapore. I changed schools, started on the south side. McDonald's now had a gaming location and the pace of life became much faster. Observer every night of the week. My dad challenged me with philosophical riddles. He brought me to a level of reading and math comprehension far beyond my age.

I thought I was smart and really book smart, but I would say that and I'm still very book smart, but I would say my street smarts aren't very good, it's like my dad. He's an extremely bright man, but when it comes to handling a remote control, he's like hope, I hope we please him, he made sure I had a knack for learning, he even bought me Scrabble instead of Twister for Christmas, it was heartbreaking, But now I thank you, oh why? Because now you can spell, you would have been able to spell anyway, so at first I say when I was little I was super happy, I hung out in the jungle with all the little birds and all the little monkeys and then I came back to my hometown and life was very fast and I didn't know how to keep up and the culture shock was kind of intense, but my dad kept me distracted by going here, read this, do this.

I want to twist Scrabble one day on the school bus a boy poked his head out from the seat in front of me, stretched his eyes across his face, and said: You're Chinese. I was new to the racist antics so I stayed silent and very confused, he went all out. of your friends to make the same face it's amazing the things you remember vividly forever so true I'm a quarter Chinese but my physical attributes don't make it very evidence that I was one of the few exotic kids there were, so the students were everyone confused My ethnicity is indistinct, but she reminds me that yes, are you Chinese?

It happened which was interesting when I was in sixth grade, all the boys were saying Taylor is going to ask you how she's going to ask you out Taylor and I was like, "Oh my gosh." He's fine and what really happened is this guy came up to me with a photo of a man in a turban and said, show me this photo and it's like your host, the Buddha, is bleeding and everyone started to cry. laugh and I said: what's wrong? the show I think I'm missing the joke, but apparently it was really funny because I'm not white and the guy in the turban looks like he's not white, huh, well, not long after my sister got home. crying she wasn't a crybaby so I was very alarmed because no, she wasn't.

I asked her what happened and she said that she wasn't allowed in her friend's jacuzzi because her friend's mother thought my sister's skin was made of dirt, ah ago. I get so angry hearing this, still like she thought her little rusty son was cleaner than us because her little rusty son had less melanin in his skin like, hey, I wish I was kidding, we were shocked and determined to spend more time together From paper dolls to church youth groups to video games, some of the best times I had were with my sister. We loved writing and filming plays and doing anything creative.

My sister knew how to make me laugh once while she was playing Goldeneye. In fact, she made me laugh a lot. I peed my pants oh man I had to include that she literally made everyone laugh so hard like she was so smart you know she was saying like in the smart books but I'm not smart she was like the brightest perfect match of both and she could go out with any crowd and make anyone laugh and it was interesting because I always had a hard time making friends and she always liked to show up and then come home with about eight friends and I never really understood how racist she was.

Generalizing the stigma made me come to hate my appearance a lot. I always covered my face with the sleeves of my coat. It's so true that this is how I would like to relax at school. Hey guys, for some reason, I felt more confident when I felt like this. walking like that or when I would take my dirty blue Nike or Roxie sleeve home and just cover it all over my face if I could, but then I wouldn't be able to see, I started Fighting Bullying with Bullying and my aggression got me out of a lot of potentially humiliating situations. , so being very angry and jealous and bitter was a tool that I kept until the end of high school, so this is actually very, very honest and you already know a lot.

A lot of people always like to try to look like a victim and say, oh, feel sorry for me, that bad things have happened to me and I've never done anything bad in return, but here I openly say that yes, I was really bullied. bad, so I became very bad. He wasn't bad because he was a bad person. I was bad because I was afraid and I felt like it was the only way to get people off my back. You know what I mean? My aggression was based on fear. People who bully you do so because they have deep-rooted problems.

Something deep and dark is blocking their empathy, so please don't take it seriously or at least try not to. It's not you, it's them. I wish I was the kind of person who just turned the other cheek and I guess that was a good example, but my story, personally, no, I wasn't, I was quite unruly, quite rude, quite horrible, quite scheming, quite manipulative, just like all these little things that didn't exist. as a child it became more and more apparent as I got older why I needed these things. I felt like I needed these things to get by and I wish I was a bigger person when I was little, but unfortunately I'm not.

It was difficult to go to high school. I had a real friend, Ashley, who was still my best friend. We hid together in the boot rooms and bathrooms during lunch period every day. We hid in the bathroom because we didn't want to be harassed. and since the popular girls noticed that we were hiding in the bathroom, then they would like to tell the administrator, they would tell the principal and, like the teachers and stuff, it would be like these two disgusting girls would hide in the bathroom so that the teachers would come to drag us Getting out of the bathroom so those girls could bully us again was great, it was an effective system they had near the end of high school Ashley changed schools due to the bullying and my family encountered problems that caused me even more anxiety.

People had all kinds of theories about my life that were very painful for me to listen to honestly and people still talk, people talk, man, sometimes I hear things about myself and I'm like, oh, that's crazy, just ask me one of them. The reasons why I haven't said goodbye to this channel, Cloudy Apples, is because I feel like I would like to have a time to come back. I feel like people don't really care and that's why I don't care. I really tell people who don't know me personally how I feel unless it's relevant. I didn't open up to anyone because I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

I still don't do it with people with too much time. their hands will always have baseless theories and opinions don't listen to them there are so many beautiful things in this world to fill your head amen just remember that anyone can say anything be equally critical of all statements unskeptical as expected high school was a nightmare I skipped more classes than I attended one in my last two

years

and I didn't take care of myself. I had problems inside and my sister had similar feelings, but she had many friends and was always pretending to be happy.

I later found out that we both have something called clinical depression, yes we do, it is not seasonal or circumstantial, it is always there and environmental factors can intensify it, it cannot be completely cured, it is something that I have had to deal with and from which I have had to be aware after taking a semester off I went to college with my brother, it was the only school that would let me in with my grades and we took the same classes, we talked with books all day and we wore the same shoes like bugs Strangers that we are, why do I keep saying?

I'm a weirdo. I feel like bullying will always exist, I hope it won't one day, but I feel like nowadays you are a little freer to express who you are and back then you did dress like a yellow hoodie to school and like most of people didn't wear yellow, people would say you were weird or if you were quirky and funny or if you were different in some way people would call you weird and as I can see, I guess like the shock of that in my voice and the way I I describe things, the way I'm articulating things is like oh we're, we're weird, we're weird, don't worry, we're weird, I'm like trying to make people think you know I'm weird, but I hope I'm Well, we both got straight A scholarships and college invitations, we died a few months into my first semester at college, my sedentary and unhealthy lifestyle resulted in health problems that made me, constantly sick, fatigued and insecure, 15 year old freshman, you know the 15 year old freshman, like you're the first one in school and you gain a lot of weight because all you do is sit, drink coffee, eat and study all day. worse than that and mentally whoa I tried to fight my depression with SSRIs or antidepressants which in my case made me irritable, spontaneous and suicidal, it was a disaster.

I had severe emotional difficulties and withdrew from college under extenuating circumstances. I tried a greatnumber of quick solutions. and diets only made my problems worse. I was emotionally turbulent, my acne was bad. I'm very honest about how horrible I was, I was literally angry all the time and I'm trying to fix that anger. I feel like I've certainly gotten a lot better at that and my growing empathy as I get older has helped me a lot with that, but like back then, if I were, I'd just walk away. I had chronic migraines and I was 30 pounds heavier without 30. pounds that doesn't seem like much I'm very short I'm very small so in my body that's how it is I didn't really look the same and I didn't feel the same and it just wasn't what my body wanted for me .

Conventional solutions failed me miserably, and more importantly, I couldn't let my depression become more intense. Responsible, I had nothing to lose, so I took a personal risk. I abandoned my emotional and dietary habits and through my various junk medications developed a healthy skepticism and began doing my own research. I know this is something that worked for me. I feel pretty irresponsible for saying this is what I did and it worked and yes, because you know it might not work for everyone and what if someone who really needed their medication was looking at this and saying, "Oh, I'm going to throw away a mine ", as if this were part of the reason. why I have trouble posting on shady apples because I don't want to fool anyone you know what I mean when I was younger I didn't think about this stuff as much and that's why it's easier for me to just try it to entertain you and have fun with you and connect with you giving advice like this and watching me give advice like this how I get worse anxiety you can't help someone who doesn't want help and despite the best efforts of my loving friends and family I didn't get better until I made it a personal priority a year later. and my sister was hit by an aggressive and remorseless drunk driver.

She was left with severe emotional damage and permanent tissue damage to her neck and back despite her personal pain. she was always smiling and being a complete goofball as usual so while my sister had that car accident a drunk driver just hit her and she had a really long neck pain for a long time and it was like a little messy like her neck . It hurt a lot and it hurt all the time, but at work, if you work in some of the restaurants in Vancouver, they make you if you're a woman wear heels, so my sister liked to wear heels relaxing at work one day and other.

The insurance person who was hired to spy on my sister because they didn't want to pay looked at her and said, "Oh, she wears high heels to work, you're not covered and like we didn't have the money back then to pay." all the therapy and stuff, there's a lot of things that are really greedy out there and there's a lot of things that make me very cynical and that I have to work on because that situation made me so angry, she trusted her. health professional and moved on a few months after I returned to university my sister overdosed on antidepressants the medication gave her seizures but she was safe when she woke up I told her it was the worst day of my life she smiled when she saw it from us and she started behaving like before she was kept in a psychiatric ward for two weeks and when she was finally released she came home and rebuilt her life got a job got a car made great new friends and was constantly smiling I left school a second time to be with her and She was constantly surrounded by people who loved her unconditionally, you would never know by looking at her that she was depressed, she was beautiful and knew how to project an image of confidence doing what she wanted and I couldn't even tell her what to do.

I was always worried about her since she spent a lot of time at home. I started using YouTube. My depression was completely under control. I had a new perspective and felt amazing, which made me really excited to share. I had been on YouTube before, but it was a fun, shallow channel, which is perfectly fine, but I lost interest. I pestered my sister endlessly about what she had learned, but aside from a few things she liked and shared, she was often busy with life and disinterested. I remembered that no one was able to help me until I made it a priority to help myself after a lot of begging, I thought I didn't want to be one of those people who impose their beliefs on others who don't ask yet one of those people I met an amazing guy named Terry, a friend of my older brother.

My sister and I loved his comedic skills. Oh, my sister used to bully Harry so much it was the funniest thing. I loved it as much as I loved my sister together. because we were just bad, we are bad, some of you must understand that clinical depression is that things like possessions seem successful and even love can get in the way of your happiness, pay attention, it is an inaccessible feeling for many and it is useless Pretend you know what it feels like if you haven't felt it. It's incredibly difficult to describe, which creates an even more intense feeling of isolation last summer at 2am. m.

I received a phone call from my brother, his voice sounded cold and shaky. I will never forget that call he told me to wake up my dad we all woke up and went to the living room and that was where my brother told us that my sister had taken her life upon hearing the news that he didn't know if she would ever be happy again we went inseparable most of our lives and no one understood me how she has caused me great emotional and existential stress I miss her a lot a few days after hearing the news I reflected on what I learned myself and thought I had to spread some love and positivity , otherwise the severity of the situation would be too much after my sister passed away, like I haven't cried about it for a year because you know everyone else was crying and I was like, what can happen?

I like to help and it's very typical of me to go and ask what positive things I can do because everyone was so upset. I was like dad, what can I do? I'll plan the funeral. I paid for it even though I had no money at the time, so I did all that and then I did everything with the death certificate and then I made sure everything was okay and I made sure I was the strong one. because imagine if we were all a mess then we would have been a mess so I did all that and in this numb kick of trying to make everything better I thought I need to make art to like it.

I need to make some positive art so I made this video so I wrote and filmed a video called Happiness Takes Effort it was about how important your perspective is and like the power of the mind it was about a driver I saw that he had a very mundane job and he seemed to be very happy, I was like, oh, and I was like, yeah, let's go and I liked that his energy was reciprocal, it was a really beautiful thing, so I thought, "I want to do a video about that." Bus Driver YouTube has definitely changed, but that's where I was at the time and that's what I wanted to do if it weren't for all the resilience I taught myself.

I wouldn't have gotten through this difficult time. I used to be so fragile and cautious, but I've learned that if you don't live life honestly, things slowly fall apart, oh so true, the easiest ways aren't easy, it wasn't easy at all, I'm just not very eloquent right now it's like my brain is going to explode one of the ways I really got out of my depression it just seemed like I was saying before that I was very hateful and manipulative I need to start taking hits to be honest like I need to tell the truth even "If it really hurts at first, I started doing that little by little to the point where now I'm in a place where when I lie I have a lot of anxiety and I had to lie about something the other night that I did." t - it was a choice whether to take responsibility for I lied to a friend about something the other night and like it scared me, I told Terry, I told all my friends, I told my whole family, I told the psychiatrist , I thought, ah, why did I do that?

I do this, but I found out that I will never do that again, which is good. I feel like the girl who made this video was a really, really strong person who is putting up a strong front but is still looking for answers and if need be, Ask me now how I feel about this whole thing about my sister dying to be blunt, It sucks, it really sucks and it's the kind of thing that you can say gets better with time, but it only gets better with time in the sense that You can get distracted more easily the more time passes, but every time you think about it, it's that emptiness.

Heartbreaking, horrible, what am I doing here? Feeling like there's nothing I can do about it and I have to live with it for the rest of time. In my life, so many people have come up to me and told me that she saved them from getting hurt. Oh, she did. One of my closest friends owes his life to my sister. She helped so many people get out of their dark vices, but she never prioritized herself. She took time for others and through quick fixes for herself when I see her smile in photos, now I remember the Fronts she put up to keep people from worrying about her, that's why I don't like the past and only the photos have so many regrets, man.

I wish there were so many things I wish I could do and I know everyone always says, Don't blame yourself, like it's not your fault, like it's ultimately that person's decision, but that doesn't help, the only way This situation has helped me and people have told me: "Oh well, you're stronger now, look at yourself now and it's like, well, I would change everything to get her back. She once told me that good people don't accept beliefs popular". in the mafia mentality as truth, she was definitely the person that made me hate the mafia mentality, man, people have a responsibility to be themselves despite the consequences.

I received hundreds of emails and phone calls from friends, family, colleagues, and attention seekers pretending to be good friends. my sister, so after my sister passed away, you know, like Facebook, there were all these people who weren't her friends pretending to be friends with her, there were people who were like, did you hear the news on my sister's wall? Oh there were people who commented online saying she probably deserved it probably it was her family's fault probably she was a gold digger she probably was this she probably was that and they only say these things because she was a beautiful girl like me because they don't They don't know her, all they You know it's what it looks like and that's one of the things I've been working really hard on I like loving people and being positive but all you get is glue and she does the best she can but sometimes people can be just horrible, the virtual world of the internet suddenly bombarded me demanding answers and recognition, unknowingly they put me under an immense amount of stress, the positive after everything that happened is that I definitely learned who my good friends are, who They are my true friends. "There are a lot of people who disappeared right after it happened and there were a lot of people who were there with me every day.

My house became the place where everyone came and everyone cried for two weeks straight on and on like they could." I don't really show my emotions at the time and even to this day I have a hard time showing emotions. I have a hard time being vulnerable because there's a lot of guilt involved in putting that on other people because I've felt on high. To what extent that made me, so it sucks. I mean, I feel like I'm a lot more open with therapists and psychiatrists and people who are hired to listen. It's much harder for me to be open with people who depend on them.

Me and that's like everyone so my heart is heavy but love and positivity pushed me forward in my darkest moment, my true friends came together and made me laugh, cry and feel truly grateful once I felt the deeper sorrow when seeing the beauty in the mundane that revealed my immense capacity. of joy much ahead Terry I am not perfect but I fight fear every day with positivity I know who I am because it was not easy to get here my sister was not perfect either but she loved deeply and was brilliant, she could make anyone smile on the worst day of her life she could make me laugh if I was heartbroken we both love art created by people with aching hearts because to us it was proof that we were not alone I feel like this video is a good message I realized that a creator who doesn't i'll say his name, he likes it, he made this horrible video and used it as an example to raise awareness about something, but his awareness was like you know you're not alone haha.

It felt so trite that it felt like it was coming from someone who had never been through anything in his life, but maybe it's just me and maybe it helped someone so that would be my argument for him being able to exist and being able to do that kind of thing. of things. things to me, though, when I saw that I thought, oh, I wasn't offended to the point where I thought about deleting that, even with similar jokes. I'm not offended like you think that if people did certainjokes about I like touchy topics that really offend me and I like sad ones and oh my gosh okay I'm really irritated but that's not who I am it's much easier for me to laugh in a horrible situation than it is to cry .

So laughing is a very good outlet for me and that's why I think comedy should be what it is and we shouldn't try to censor it. She had a lot to offer and used all her energy to help her friends. but she left her own well-being in the dark, she hated seeing us worried, so she lay low and I'm guilty of doing the same. I'm still guilty, but if you want to do continued good, you have to prioritize. your own well being first, being completely selfless is not sustainable and no one can help you until you are willing to help yourself, that is bad advice, honesty hurts but it can save your life, so don't be afraid and if people have negative things to tell me about your perspective, be grateful that your empathy, your compassion, and your access to critical thinking are not so limited that you act like a child and blatantly hurt others in the light of madness, it can be difficult to see the positive, but I believe you can find the light.

In some of the darkest situations I know that life is not easy or fair I have no right to anything and I have to fight for my happiness I have to fight for everything If you are suffering right now please fight and don't give up Yes I was there with you, I I would pay attention, make you food and try to make you laugh, but for now build your strength so you can endure anything, distinguish yourself and accept your weirdness, that's so nice. It used to say love and light at the end. of many things because I thought she was very cute, look how small like a baby, she is cute, it is something difficult to see because, again, it is like a rehash of things and, although there are several jokes and things like that, things do not provoke me that are actually deep enough to put me in that headspace make it like holding my head up high and keeping things going.

I mean, a lot of good things have come out of it. I've had a lot of really good experiences. a really good life. I still like to feel this big emptiness because of what happened, but it's a good motivation to keep going and try to help other people get out of it or try to make them laugh for me. Laughter is the Most important thing is that it's more important than people who virtue signal or like or make a bunch of mental health videos during my darkest moments, things that made me laugh, mindless, brainless things that They made me laugh, they are the things that made me feel much better.

Obviously I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and obviously my brain goes there, sometimes it goes to really dark places, but because of what I've been through right now, I can almost certainly say that you will never have to worry about me. I have sometimes done something crazy to myself because I have seen what it can do to others. So if you ever go to a dark place, think about everyone who loves you, think about everyone you're going to leave behind, think about how their lives will change forever and just keep moving through this video, you've probably noticed some very stark differences between the cloudy apples in this video in

draw

ing my life and the darkness now and I will say that one of the reasons the cloudy apples drove me so crazy and I was so unhappy is because I was constantly trying to be perfect everything time.

He was constantly trying to be a ray of light all the time to brighten your day and just be perfect and it happened with the perfect advice and always knowing what to do. Say and pessimism is kind of a rejection that I could have called my channel like Princess Peach or something, but in retrospect I wanted to call it pessimism because I felt so stressed because I was always trying to be perfect and happy all the time. time and I just wanted to be myself and have fun and how to have fun and be myself on the Internet despite the shady apples, what was I?

I was being myself, but I was trying to be the perfect role model as much as possible. Imagine what that does to someone internally and I like sadness because I feel comfortable being myself. I feel comfortable because they like me for that and I feel like if sadness hadn't worked then I would have left YouTube because I just wanted to be able to be myself and if the market rejected it then I wouldn't have had anything to do here so thank you for watching my channel, thank you for supporting me, thank you for everything, it's really great to be able to watch this with you.

It's from 2013, oh that was a long time ago, I hope you enjoy this video and I'll see you in the next one, bye.