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Reacting to DRAW MY LIFE... not watched in 5 years

Reacting to DRAW MY LIFE... not watched in 5 years
okay have fun I love you brick door oh why am I so nervous that day today I'm watching a video that I haven't washed in five

years

this is the video that when people put it on and I'm like chillin in the room I will get up and leave the room unless they turn it off and it's not that I don't like the past it's not that I'm embarrassed of the past it's that the past is like kind of crazy and it feels like another

life

and for some reason like I'm just not a very sentimental person I'm like the opposite of a hoarder when someone goes like oh no but these sweet memories I'm like throw them out like get him out of my face I hate them so today I'm gonna be very uncomfortable and I'm going to review my

draw

my

life

I did this video when I was a young bright-eyed girl living in a basement and I recorded it in a closet I think I was pretty sure I was going to school and I was also working at a restaurant called Frankie's so this is some different times look at my face there oh my goodness he wore a foundation way too white all right here we go hello everyone my name is Cosima I sound so young hello everyone my name is Cosima I speak in a much lower octave when I'm comfortable in a much higher octave when I'm nervous I was very nervous my friends teachers and strangers have always had trouble pronouncing my name so I just go by Cassie now they had trouble pronouncing my name because I lived in a predominantly white town...
reacting to draw my life not watched in 5 years
where for some reason Cosima was the hardest name in the world for them to pronounce they were like Oh custom custom charisma my hungover food teacher was like charisma and everybody laughed at me and I was like Kate just call me Cassie leave me alone I was born on the 19th on the coldest day of December as my dad likes to say I wasn't very good at like reading enunciated performing back then this is a young girl trying our best all right I'm a middle child middle child and thankfully I never felt like the unloved middle child my parents loved my older brother my younger sister and I equally oh I'm giving them some good press I liked being alone still do I liked being bad still do but you never realized how strange you are until other people make you aware of it sure when I was very young I spent a lot of time in Singapore and Malaysia and one time on the way to Singapore I climbed with the wrong side of an escalator all the way to the top and I jumped before security could catch me when I was little I always wanted to like do stuff to like test the limits of like what I could get away with even if it was like borderline would kill me like I would look down a giant flight of stairs and I'd be like you know what let's go up and I was just like jump down it or like I had a pitbull when I was little and I used to like rile him up to the point where he was like come on let's go and then I would just like run away from him as fast as I humanly could and...
reacting to draw my life not watched in 5 years
like try to get him to like be a bad dog and basically bite at me just so it like made it more fun to run away I don't know I just adrenaline junkie all right the trips to Singapore were by far the happiest times of my

life

through everyone embraced my weirdness and the way of

life

there is so much different than it is here I stayed on a little farm in Malaysia for quite some time and the food was so simple the way of

life

was so simple and whoa I can feel the anxiety I stayed up all night just watching the fireflies and not being aware of time or take a shot every time I say and and oh yeah I

watched

the fireflies in it and I mean this is like cute it's endearing like you know it's before I was like super comfortable I would say it took me about 500 videos to get comfortable on camera this whole thing didn't come naturally to me my boyfriend has a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Dramatic Arts and he like really helped me get better on camera cuz like yeah it's not it just didn't come naturally to me when I got back to la virge from Singapore things changed school began the south side McDonald's now had a play place and the pace of

life

got a lot faster observant every single week night my dad would challenge me with philosophical puzzles he got me to a math and reading comprehension level far beyond my

years

I really did think that I was like smart and I was like really book smart but I would say that and like I'm still really book smart but I'd...
reacting to draw my life not watched in 5 years
say that my street smarts is like not very good it's kind of like how my dad is like extremely brilliant man but like when it comes to working a remote he's like hope hope we please he made sure I had a knack for learning he even got me Scrabble instead of twister for Christmas was heartbreaking but I thank him for it now oh why why cuz you can spell now you would've been able to spell anyway so in the beginning here I'm saying like when I was little I was super happy I hung out in a jungle with all the little birdies and all the little monkeys and then I came back to my hometown and like just case of

life

was really fast and I didn't know how to keep up with it and like the culture shock was kind of intense but my dad kept me distracted by going here read this do this you want twister Scrabble one day on the school bus a boy poked his head out from the seat in front of me stretched his eyes across his face and said you're Chinese I was new to racist tomfoolery so I was silent and very confused he got all of his friends to make the same face it's amazing the things you vividly remember forever so true I'm a quarter Chinese but my physical attributes don't make it very evidence I was one of the few exotic kids around so students all was mixed up my ethnicity interchangeably but I she kind of reminds me like yeah the are you Chinese thing happened which was interesting when I was in the sixth grade all the boys were like Taylor's gonna...
ask you how Taylor's gonna ask you out and I was like oh my good he is okay and what actually happened is some guy walked up to me with like a picture of a man in a turban and he was like he shows me this picture and he's like your host Buddha's bleeding and everybody burst out laughing and I was like what's the show I think I'm missing the joke but apparently it was like really funny cuz like I'm not white and the guy in the turban looks like he isn't white uh-huh good one not too long after my sister came home crying she wasn't a crier so I was super alarmed about no she was not I asked her what happened and she said that she wasn't allowed in her friend's hot tub because her friend's mother thought my sister's skin was made of dirt ah makes me so mad to hear about it still as if she thought that her rusty little kid was cleaner than us because her rusty little kid had less melanin to her skin like hey I wish I was kidding we were shaken and resolved to spend more time together from paper dolls to church youth group to video games some of the best times I had were with my sister we loved writing and filming plays and doing anything creative my sister knew how to crack me up one time while playing Goldeneye she actually made me laugh so hard I peed my pants oh man I had to include that she literally made everyone laugh so hard like she just she was so smart you know I was saying like on book-smart but I'm not smart she was...
like the perfect most brilliant combination of both and she could hang with any crowd and make anybody laugh and it was interesting cuz like I always had a really hard time making friends and she always would like show up and then come home with like eight friends and I never really understood it the racist generalizing in stigma made me grow to really hate the way I looked I was always covering my face with my coat sleeves so true like this is how I would like chill in school hey guys for some reason I was like I felt safer when I was like walking around like this or when I took home that my dirty blue Nike or Roxie sleeve and just like put it over my whole face like just put it over my whole face if I could but like that I wouldn't be able to see I started combating bullying with bullying and my aggression got me out of a lot of potentially humiliating situations so being very angry jealous and bitter was a tool I kept all the way until the end of high school so this is very very honest actually and you know a lot of people always like try to make themselves look like the victim and say like oh like feel sorry for me like bad things have happened to me and I've never done anything bad in return but I'm openly saying here yeah I got bullied really bad so I became really mean - I wasn't mean because I was a mean person I was mean because I was scared and it felt like the only way to just get people off of me you know what I mean my aggression was based on fear...
the people who bully you are doing so because they have deep-seated issues me something deep and dark is blocking their empathy so please don't take it seriously or at least try not to it's not you it's them I do wish that I was the kind of person who like just turned the other cheek and I guess was like a good example but my story me personally no I was not I was pretty rambunctious pretty rude pretty awful pretty conniving pretty manipulative just like all these little things that didn't exist when I was a child became more and more apparent as I grew up because I needed these things I felt like I needed these things to like get by and I wish that I was you know a bigger person when I was little but unfortunately that's not how it went middle school was difficult I had one true friend Ashley who was still my best friend we'd hide together in boot rooms and bathroom stalls during lunch period every single day we would hide in the bathroom because we didn't want to get bullied and like the popular girls notice that we were hiding in the bathroom so they would like tell admin they would tell the principal and like teachers and stuff they'd be like these two gross girls are hiding in the bathroom so the teachers would come drag us out of the bathroom so that those girls can bully us again it was a very good it was an effective system they had going on near the end of middle school Ashley switched schools due to bullying and my family encountered...
problems that caused even more anxiety for me people had all sorts of theories about my

life

that were very painful for me to listen to honestly and people still talk people talk man like sometimes I'll hear stuff about me and I'll be like oh that's crazy like just ask me one of the reasons why I haven't like said goodbye on this channel cloudy apples is because I'm feel like I might want to like have a time where I come back I feel like people don't really care and that's why I don't really tell people who don't know me personally how I'm feeling unless it's like relevant I didn't open up to anyone because I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me I still don't people with too much time on their hands will always have theories and unsubstantiated opinions don't listen to them there are so many beautiful things in this world to fill your head with amen just remember that anyone can say anything be equally critical of all statements little skeptic predictably high school was a nightmare I skipped more classes than I showed up to one my final two

years

and I didn't take care of myself I was troubled inside and my sister had similar feelings but she had a lot of friends and was always putting on a happy front I later learned that we both have something called clinical depression yeah we do it's not seasonal or circumstantial it's kind of always there and environmental factors can intensify it you can't...
completely cure it it's something I've had to manage and be aware of after taking a semester off I went to college with my brother it was the only school that would let me in with my grades and we took the same classes talked to a books all day and wore the same shoes like the weirdos we are why do I keep saying I'm a weirdo I feel like bullying is like always gonna exist hopefully it doesn't someday but I feel like these days you're a little bit more free to express who you are and back then if you so much as wore like a yellow hoodie to school and like most people didn't wear yellow people be like you're weird or if you were like quirky and funny or like if you are different in any way people would call you weird and like I can see like I guess like the shell shock from that in my voice and the way that I describe things the way that I'm articulating things it's just like oh we're we're weird we're weird don't worry we're weird I'm like trying to make people think that you know I'm weird but like hope that's okay we both got straight A's scholarships and invites to university we kill within a few months of my first semester at university my unhealthy sedentary

life

style resulted in health issues that made me constantly ill fatigued and insecure freshman 15 you know the freshman 15 like where you're first in school and like you gained a lot of weight because all you're doing is sitting around...
drinking coffee eating and studying all day my freshman 15 was way worse than that and like mentally whoa I attempted to combat my depression with SSRIs or antidepressants which in my case made me irritable spontaneous and suicidal it was a mess I had severe emotional difficulty and withdrew from University under extenuating circumstances I attempted a myriad of quick fixes and diets only to worsen my problems I was emotionally turbulent my acne was bad I'm so honest about how horrible I was like just literally just like angry all the time and I'm trying to like fix that anger I feel like I've certainly like gotten a lot better at it and like my growing empathy as I get older has helped me a lot with that but like back then like if I was if I would just go off I had chronic migraines and I was 30 pounds heavier without 30 pounds that doesn't sound like a lot I'm very short I'm very small so like on my frame like that's actually I didn't look the same and I didn't feel the same and it just wasn't what my body wanted for me the conventional fixes failed me miserably and more importantly I couldn't let my depression grow any more intense responsible I had nothing to lose so I took a personal risk I abandoned my emotional and dietary habits and through my various medications in the garbage I developed a healthy skepticism and started doing my own research I know this is something that worked for me I feel quite irresponsible that I said...
that like this is what I did and it worked and yeah cuz you know like it might not work for everybody and like what if somebody who actually needed their medication was watching this and it was like oh I'm gonna throw a mine out to like it's like this is part of the reason why I have trouble posting on cloudy apples cuz like I don't want to sleeve somebody astray you know what I mean back when I was younger I didn't think so hard about these things and that's why it's easier for me to just like try to entertain you and have fun with you and connect with you giving advice like this and like seeing myself give advice like this like it gives me be worse anxiety you can't help someone who doesn't want help and despite the efforts of my loving friends and family I didn't get better until I made it a personal priority a year later and my sister got hit by an aggressive unapologetic drunk driver she was left with severe emotional damage and permanent tissue damage in her neck and back despite her personal pain she was always smiling and being a complete goof like usual so while my sister got in that car crash this drunk driver just like hits her and she had like a really sore neck for really long time and it was like kind of messed up like her neck hurt really bad and she was in pain all the time but at work if you work at some of the restaurants in Vancouver they force you if you're a girl to wear heels so my sister was like wearing heels...
chillin at work one day and an insurance person who was hired to spy on my sister because they didn't want to pay looked at her and said oh she's wearing high heels to work you're not covered and like we didn't have the money back then to like pay for all of the therapy and stuff there's a lot of stuff that's like really money-grubbing out there and there's a lot of stuff that like makes me very cynical that like I have to work on because like that situation made me really mad she trusted in her health care practitioner and moved forward a few months after I returned to university my sister overdosed on antidepressants the medication caused her to have seizures but she was safe when she woke up I told her it was the worst day of my

life

she smiled at the sight of us and started acting like her old self she was kept in a psychiatric ward for two weeks and when she was finally released she came home and built her

life

again she got a job a car made great new friends and was constantly smiling I left school a second time to be with her and she was constantly surrounded by people who loved her unconditionally you'd never know by looking at her that she was depressed she was beautiful and she knew how to project an image of confidence she did what she wanted and I couldn't even tell her what to do I was always worried about her since I was spending so much time at home I started youtubing my depression was completely under control I had a new...
perspective and felt amazing which made me so excited to share I had been on YouTube before but it was a fun and shallow channel which is perfectly fine but I lost interest I pestered my sister endlessly about what I had learned but aside from a few things that she liked and shared she was often busy with

life

and disinterested I remembered that no one was capable of helping me until I made it a priority to help myself after much pleading I figured that I didn't want to be one of those people who pushes their beliefs on others who didn't ask still one of those people I met an amazing guy named Terry a friend of my older brother my sister and I loved his knack for comedy Oh my sister used to bullied Harry so bad it was the funniest thing like I loved it so much like I loved my sister together because we were just like we were just bad we're baddies some of you guys need to understand about clinical depression is that things like possessions look success and even love can stand in your way of happiness pay attention it's a feeling that's inaccessible to many and it's fruitless to pretend you know how it feels if you haven't felt it it's incredibly hard to describe which creates an even more intense feeling of isolation this past summer at 2 a.m. I got a phone call from my brother his voice sounded cold and shaken I'll never forget that phone call he told me to wake up my dad we all woke up and went to the living room and that's where my...
brother told us that my sister had taken her own

life

upon hearing the news I didn't know if I'd ever be happy again we were inseparable for most of our lives and nobody understood me like she did it has caused me great emotional and existential stress I miss her so much some days after hearing the news I reflected on what I taught myself and figured I had to spread some love and positivity otherwise the gravity of the situation would be too much after my sister passed away like I didn't cry about it for like a year cuz you know everybody else was crying and I was like what can I do like to help and it's just so typical of me that I would go and I would be like what positive things can I do because like everyone was so upset I was like dad what can I do I'll plan the funeral I'll pay for it even though I didn't have any money at the time so I like did all that and then I did everything with the death certificate and then like I made it sure everything was okay and I made sure that I was the strong one because like imagine if we were all a mess then it would have just been like a mess so I did all that and like in this like in this numb kick of trying to make everything better I was like I need to make like art to like I need to make like some positive art and so I made this video so I wrote and filmed a video called happiness takes effort it was about how important your perspective is and like just like the power of the mind it was about like a bus...
driver who I saw who worked a very mundane job and he seemed to be very happy he was like oh and I was like yeah let's go and like his energy like it reciprocated it was a really beautiful thing so I was like I want to make a video about that bus driver definitely YouTube has changed but that's where I was at at the time and that's what I wanted to do if it weren't for all the resilience I taught myself I wouldn't have made it through this hard time I used to be so fragile and guarded but I've learned that if you don't live

life

honestly things fall apart slowly oh so true one of like the easiest ways are not easy wasn't easy at all I'm just not very articulate right now it's like my brains gonna explode one of the ways that I really climbed myself out of my depression just looked like I was saying before like I was very hateful mean manipulative I need to start taking hits in order to be honest like I need to tell the truth even if it really hurts at first and so like I started doing that little by little to the point where I'm at a place now where when I lie I'm really bad anxiety and I had to lie about something the other night I didn't - it was a choice should I take responsibility for I lied to a friend about something the other night and like I freaked out I told Terry I told all of my friends I told my whole family I told the psychiatrist I was like ah why did I do this but like I figured out how I will never do that...
again which is nice I feel like the girl who made this video was a really really strong person who is putting up a strong front but still looking for answers and if you were to ask me now how I feel about the whole thing about my sister dying to be blunt it sucks it sucks really bad and it's the kind of thing that you can say that it gets better with time but it only gets better with time in the sense that you can get distracted more easily the more time is passed but every time you think about it it's that gut-wrenching empty horrible what am I doing here feeling and there's nothing I can do about it and I have to live with it for the rest of my

life

so many people reached out and told me that she saved them from hurting themselves oh she did one of my closest friends owes his

life

to my sister she helped so many people out of their dark vices but she never prioritized herself she took time with others and through quick fixes at herself when I see her smile in photos now I'm reminded of the Front's that she put on to stop people from worrying about her that's why I don't like the past and only pictures have so many regrets man like I'd like there's so many things that I wish I could do and I know that everyone always says like don't blame yourself like it's not your fault like ultimately it's that person's decision but like that doesn't help the only way that this situation has helped me and I've had people say like...
oh well you're stronger now look at you now and it's like well I would trade all of it to get her back she once told me that good people do not take popular belief in mob mentality as truth she was definitely the person who made me hate mob mentality dude people have the responsibility to be themselves despite the consequences I got hundreds of emails messages and phone calls from friends family peers and attention seekers who pretended they were good friends with my sister so after my sister passed away you know like Facebook right there were all these people who weren't her friend who were pretending that they were friends with her there were people who were like did you guys hear the news on my sister's wall Oh there were people who commented online saying she probably deserved it it was probably her family's fault she probably was a gold digger she probably was this she probably was that and they're just saying these things because she was a beautiful girl like I cuz they don't know her all they know is what she looks like and that's one of the things like i-i've been working so hard to like love people and be positive but all you get instead is glue and she tries her best but sometimes people can just be awful the virtual world of the internet bombarded me all at once demanding answers and acknowledgement they unknowingly put me under an immense amount of stress the positive after everything that happened is that I definitely learned...
who my good friends are who my real friends are there are a lot of people who like vanished right after it happened and there were a lot of people who were there with me every day my house became like the place where everyone came and everyone mourned for like two weeks straight and again like I I couldn't really show my emotions at the time and even to this day like I have a really hard time showing emotions I have a really hard time being vulnerable because there's so much guilt involved with putting that on other people because I've felt to the highest degree what that did to me so that sucks I mean I feel like I'm a lot more open with like therapists and like psychiatrists and like people who are like hired to listen it's a lot harder for me to be open with people who depend on me and that's like everyone so my heart is heavy but love and positivity pushed me forward in my darkest moment my true friends came together and made me laugh cry and feel truly grateful once I felt the deepest sorrow seeing beauty in the mundane revealed my immense capacity for joy a lot ahead Terry I'm not perfect but I fight fear every day with positivity I Know Who I am because it wasn't easy to get here my sister wasn't perfect either but she loved deeply and she was brilliant she could make anyone smile on the worst day of their

life

she could make me laugh if I was heartbroken we both loved art created by people with pained hearts because for us it was...
proof that we weren't alone I feel like this video is a good message I've noticed like a creator who I won't say his name he like made this horrible video and used it as a example to bring awareness to something but his awareness was just like you know like just you're not alone haha it just felt so trite it felt like it came from somebody who has never been through anything in his

life

but maybe that's just me and maybe it did help somebody so that would be my argument for him being able to exist and being able to make that kind of stuff for me though when I saw that I was like oh I didn't get like offended to the point where I was like take that down even with like jokes I don't get offended like you would think that if people made certain jokes about like sensitive topics that I'd get really offended and like sad and oh my god okay i'm so triggered but like that's just not who I am it's a lot easier for me to laugh in a horrible situation than it is for me to cry so like laughing is a really good outlet for me and that's why I think that like comedy should just be what it is and we shouldn't try to censor it she had so much to offer and she used all of her energy to help her friends but she left her own well-being in the dark she hated to see us worry so she put on a front and I'm guilty of doing the same thing I'm still am but if you want to do continuous good you have to prioritize your own well-being first...
being completely selfless is not sustainable and no one can help you until you're willing to help yourself that's dank advice honesty hurts but it can save your

life

so don't be afraid and if people have negative things to say about your outlook be grateful that your empathy compassion and access to critical thinking is not so limited that you would act like a child and shamelessly hurt others in light of the madness it can be hard to see the positive but I believe you can find light in some of the darkest situations I know

life

is not easy or fair I'm not entitled to anything and I have to fight for my happiness have to fight for everything if you're hurting right now please fight it and don't give up on yourself if I were there with you I'd lend an ear make you food and try to make you laugh but for now build your strength so you can endure anything distinguish yourself and embrace your weirdness that's so cute I used to say love and light at the end of a lot of stuff because I thought I was so cute look how little like a little baby she's a cute one it's a hard thing to watch because again it just like rehashes stuff and even though like various jokes and stuff like don't trigger me things that actually are deep enough to put me in that headspace do as far as like keeping my head up and keeping things going I mean a lot of good things have come from it I've had a lot of really good experiences I've had a really good

life

...
I still do like feel this big gaping empty because of what happened but it is a nice motivation in a way to keep going and to try to help other people out of that or try to make them laugh for me laughter is the most important thing it's more important than people virtue signaling or saying like or making like a ton of videos about mental health during my darkest times stuff that made me laugh just mindless brainless stuff that made me laugh is the stuff that made me feel a lot better obviously I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and obviously my brain goes there sometimes it goes to like really dark places but because of what I've been through at this point I can almost certainly say you don't ever have to worry about me ever doing something crazy to myself because I've seen what that can do to others so if you ever go to a dark place think about everybody who loves you think about everyone you're gonna leave behind think about how their lives will change forever and just keep trucking on throughout this video you've probably noticed some very stark differences between the cloudy apples in this video in the

draw

my

life

and the gloom now and I will say that one of the reasons why cloudy apples drove me so insane and I was so unhappy is because I was constantly trying to be perfect all the time I was constantly trying to be a beam of light all the time that to brighten your day and just be perfect and it happened to the perfect advice and to always...
know what to say and gloom is kind of me rejecting that I could have called my channel like Princess Peach or something but like in retrospect I wanted to name it gloom because I felt like I was super stressed because I was always trying to be perfect and happy all the time and I just wanted to be myself and have fun and how to have fun and be myself on the Internet even though cloudy apples what it it was me I was being myself but I was trying to be the perfect role model all the time you can imagine what that does to somebody like internally and I like gloom because I feel comfortable in being myself I feel comfortable in that you guys like me for that and I feel like if gloom didn't work out then I would have quit YouTube because I just wanted to be able to be myself and if the market rejected that then I would have had no business here so thank you for watching my channel thank you for supporting me thank you for everything really it's cool to be able to watch this with you even though it's from 2013 oh that's a long time ago hope you guys enjoy this video and I will see you on the next one bye