Washington's Dream - SNL

I HAVE HEARD THAT THE BRITISH ARE SENDING ANOTHER 5,000 TROOPS. HOW WILL WE WIN THIS WAR? REMEMBERING WHY WE FIGHT. GENERAL WASHINGTON. SIT PLEASE. WE NEED YOUR STRENGTH FOR THE COMING FIGHT. WE FIGHT FOR A COUNTRY OF OUR OWN, A NEW NATION WHERE WE CHOOSE OUR OWN LAWS. HERE, HERE. CHOOSE OUR OWN LEADERS. YES, LORD! AND CHOOSE OUR OWN WEIGHTS AND MEASURES SYSTEMS. WEIGHTS AND MEASURES, SIR? YES. YES, I DREAM THAT ONE DAY OUR PROUD NATION WILL MEASURE WEIGHTS IN POUNDS AND THAT 2,000 POUNDS WILL BE CALLED A TON. AND WHAT WILL IT BE CALLED 1,000 POUNDS, SIR? NOTHING.

BECAUSE WE WON'T HAVE A WORD FOR THAT. IT LOOKS LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE A WORD FOR 1,000 POUNDS, SIR. AND STILL, WE WON'T DO IT. BECAUSE WE ARE FREE MEN. AND WE WILL BE FREE TO MEASURE LIQUIDS IN LITERS AND MILILITERS, BUT NOT ALL LIQUIDS. ONLY SOFT DRINKS, WINE AND ALCOHOL. ONLY THOSE, SIR? YES. BECAUSE FOR MILK AND PAINT WE WILL USE GALLONS, PINTS AND QUARTS IF GOD WILLS. HOW MANY LITERS ARE IN A GALLON, SIR? NO ONE KNOWS. AND LORD IN THIS NEW COUNTRY WHAT PLANS ARE THERE FOR MEN OF COLOR LIKE ME? DISTANCE WILL BE MEASURED IN INCHES, FEET, YARDS AND MILES.

SO 12 INCHES PER FOOT. 12 FEET PER YARD. IF IT WERE SO SIMPLE. 3 FEET PER YARD. AND HOW MANY YARDS PER MILE? NO ONE KNOWS. GOOD. WELL, HOW MANY FEET PER MILE? 5,280, OF COURSE. IT'S A SIMPLE NUMBER THAT EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER. I MUST CONFESS THAT IT FEELS A LITTLE COMPLICATED, SIR. WHY NOT USE METERS AND KILOMETERS. WE WILL, SOLDIER. BUT ONLY IN CERTAIN UNPOPULAR SPORTS LIKE TRACK AND SWIMMING. FOR POPULAR SPORTS LIKE FOOTBALL, WE WILL USE PATIOS. FOOTBALL, SIR? YES. IT IS A SPORT WHERE A BALL IS THROWN WITH THE HANDS. THEN THERE ARE NO KICKS IN FOOTBALL?

THERE ARE SOME LITTLE KICKS. YOU KICK THE BALL TO GET POINTS. HOW MANY POINTS, SIR? SOMETIMES ONE AND SOMETIMES THREE. I AM VERY CONFUSED, SIR. DON'T WORRY ABOUT OUR NEW NATION, WE WILL HAVE RULES WITH TWO SETS OF NUMBERS, INCHES ON ONE SIDE, CENTIMETERS ON THE OTHER. SO WE CAN SEE WHERE THEY ALIGN UP? YES, EXCEPT THEY DON'T ALIGN UP, AND THEY NEVER WILL. WHY? FREEDOM, SON. FREEDOM. AND THE SLAVES, SIR, WHAT ABOUT THEM? YOU ASKED ABOUT THE TEMPERATURE. I DIDN'T DO IT. WE WILL HAVE TWO DIFFERENT AND UNRELATED TEMPERATURE SCALES. ONE OF THEM WILL MAKE SENSE TO EVERYONE, AND THE OTHER WILL BE SUPER RANDOM.

OUR GREAT NATION WILL USE RANDOM. WHAT IS THE CALLE OF THE SCALE, SIR? FAHRENHEIT. SPELL THAT FOR ME. IMPOSSIBLE. BUT ONE DAY, IF WE ARE BRAVE, WE WILL GET RID OF THE U IN MANY BRITISH WORDS LIKE COLOR AND ARMOR. BUT BY GOD WE'LL KEEP THE BRITISH U IN THE WORD GLAMOUR. JUST GLAMOUR, SIR? ONLY GLAMOUR. THIS IS MY DREAM FOR OUR COUNTRY, MEN, A OLIO OF DIFFERENT MEASURES THAT WILL MAKE EUROPEAN MEN DO GOOD. IN SUMMARY, A LAND OF FREEDOM. WHERE ALL MEN ARE FREE. WHERE ALL MEN ARE FREE, RIGHT?