UNHhhh Ep 91: "Crime Part 1" with Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova

but now I feel like if you have a long dress you can wear a fishnet thing and have thick legs underneath, yeah, and then you have to talk to yourself there when you wear out, sure you don't know bra, no panties, no bra. without panties hello I'm Trixie Mattel in humor hello I'm Trixie Mattel no hello I'm Michelle Pfeiffer and the movie White Oleander Trixie Mattel and I'm the penis prosthesis that Nicole Kidman hit with a tennis racket in big lies Katya and welcome to the program where we talk about whatever we want and not yours what's the point crying crying crying give it to a

crime

uh no really No oh I have

crime

s yes yes crime have you ever liked to keep it with sunglasses in your pocket that you meant to pay for and you say , oh god, I'm not going back there, yeah, like let's say you try to base half of it on a store, okay, oh, it's nice, oh yeah, they happen and then you're gone. with that, yeah, and you're like I'm a thief and now you go back and return the item or you just acclimate yourself to a light in crime, yeah, I think you change your name, girl, you're leaving town on the run. yeah I'm really good at getting pulled over by bad drivers like you know you ran a red light and I was like I didn't even know I was driving thank you this is a car yeah that's where I'm not. against the cop ever made you cry, of course, when I was 16, the day after I got my license, I went from 75 to 55, 16 years old, everyone who is 16 drives like that I guess, although people shouldn't get licenses until I'm ready to die.

Yeah, every dumb driver should say, you know, I want oxygen tubes, like someone who doesn't care if we flip the car, like they had a good race, so Officer Weiss pulls me over in Marinette County, Wisconsin, and shoot. I was right next to my grandma's house and he's so hot, okay, hello, he fits like a buckle with a gun and she chose like he wasn't a copy, was he a cowboy? No, he was, he lost, you know, when he's straight. The boys cut their hair that is like straight and flat, flat, flat, up, comes and knocks on the window and, of course, the only thing that will stop me is this, shame and crying, I'm sure it's like a long one, long and I'm sure I'm like, I don't know, a tie-dyed shirt with an Avril Lavigne CD and he's mad at me and he knows he fines me, here, it's me, $35 ticket 35, this is steel and I remember it.

He was very scary and then we put a patch on him. You know I want a gun up my ass like Polly gets arrested. They are equal

part

s haughty little arts. Sometimes they are scary. Yes, and sexuality overlaps. Yes. Often. he would have said how to get out of the car please, do you think you would have lost it?, you would have started going huh. I think blood would have started shooting out of that ass, to be honest, that guy right around the time he was walking home and the cops pulled up. Me first for no reason What were you dragged away?

Yes, I was not dragged. We are walking home and you are walking home on a tricycle. The bar alone was like a quarter mile window fell in there. the ankle weights have to go in my steps it was day or night it was night it was morning so the cops took out the window what happens more like a how are you? and I was like I was a showgirl. I'm not a hooker, don't worry, I live right there and they say, yeah, you look too good to be one of them mmm, you look good, this tree car, oh yeah, I'm here, these are my Boston hookers, Yeah, well, I got you.

They arrested me, they haven't booked me. I feel like it's kind of like you're going with us, you got caught knocking on our door and it's like keeping the noise down, that's not booking, yeah, that happened to live fully, but I didn't do it. mom - pelipper I don't think I've been arrested I don't think I have a record I think that's what I am I don't think I have a record I don't have a record I don't even have a record of the times I was arrested I was never arrested I was never handcuffed I would like to have a like I want being a celebrity photographed while protesting what mugshot oh no like I want to be like Adam arch getting caught and the press and I'm like, yeah I'm like I'm with green beans or whatever I'm protesting about that you always support the good, the important causes, well, great, listen, legumes help everyone, okay, who are you good? diet is on your side, I can't argue with that, I think if the Republicans and Democrats came to a dead end and someone showed up as a plate of sautéed vegetables, they would say, you know what I mean?

That's how Thanksgiving started. Pilgrims are like that. hats the pilgrims were very The pilgrims were hats with buckle buckle shoes buckle belt yes, I'm fine with that movie, the purge, yes, are you talking about purging an anarchy or purging three electoral years because I've seen them all? I see them all: they are fierce. Did you

part

icipate in the purge? It was real. I would not do it. The reason it's scary is because it's based on something very real which is human trafficking and body snatching. I mean, listen, I'd love to have my body snatched, but the body isn't that shiny.

I have had love for a long time. Oh, God, crime, Pete, have you ever accepted a crime? Why was it horrible to get stopped and do you know why? Because it's your fault, you did it right, let's say you're going to 70, okay? stop and they leave, Jun leaves quickly, you were going, you try to round down like 65, you think they appreciate honesty and then you don't get a ticket because you're not trying? No, this is easy. You'd be like, "I was going 90," but I think that's a sterile altitude, so Celsius and Fahrenheit are very difficult to achieve.

You know, I mean, I just got back from Europe. Have you been on the autobahn in Germany? No, that's where the purge took place. for Street School, the Autobahn is a highway with no speed limits, the purge of streets, what if you are a person who is arrested for smoking marijuana and five years later it is legal? Yeah I think sometimes they pay you handsomely or give you a five year grace period to do your own one woman purge, that would be fun if they were what about Lena Bobbitt so most people do things and he cums like no, she cut off his cock and threw it out the window, yeah, I got off, look what?

Her penis works now and she did what she did porn and they sewed it back on, they ordered it again how they found it polo I wonder if she's like an earthworm. Do you have two cocks? Remember that guy on Stu Day? yeah, I love the age with that real, yeah, it was real, I just had a, I had cheated and they just left, they were like that, yeah, and one of them was working better, the other one, for sure, because your body can't release enough blood. flow to maintain two erections, that's true, he may not even be able to handle one, yes he had a DP so you really couldn't, yes that's a crime, yes, could you be a police officer at all, But think about I mean, think about the guy? of a person who wants to be a police officer I did it for so long, yes, I think when I was a child it was a kind of proving myself, sure, but can I give myself over to being a police officer?

Yes, my brother went to school. to enforce the law you have to be tasered and sprayed on the roads and for the spray, that would be me like I was going to come out if you had to join the FBI, the CIA or the PTA, which one would it be. I think I'll be good. private investigator okay, probably idiot finds my dad, he will kill you, no, it's not a threatening thing. I'd love to see you in a dimly lit office and in the slums of New York, like drinking a lot, like a lit cigarette, but no I don't smoke, yeah, it's always burning.

I have to turn it back on every few minutes. Friction McDowell Hey, I need your help. My sister's things. A loaf of bread high in the forest. And I'm afraid the serial killers will get her back. I'm a bi I'll do what I can Peter I I'm a private instigator oh dear I'll privately go to your lake house Emily yeah I come in I really let it out like you know she meant by it honestly just get busy of yourself and don't do anything you'll regret later and don't end up in the back of a police car, it's not fun, no, if you're going to be in a police car, you want to be in front of it. you want to be the officer and not the criminal, that's right, you want to drive the car or be on top, you know, Ling Chicken, yes, having a child opens you up to many crimes, we explain to you if you are my son, yes and me.

I'm like I love you so much that they can't hurt you, you'll never be able to leave the house. That's a crime if I lock you in the house to keep you safe. A kidnapping that I have committed if I don't pay enough attention to you. it gets you a little high damn if you do damn if you don't with the full I hate police drugs big criminal offense that's what I really don't agree with you I don't agree with that what's up with this um flying? to Singapore, if you're high, they could kill you, you're lying, death penalty, death.

I'm legitimately scared of a lot of drag queens, seriously, like custom stuff, it's like welcome to Singapore, if you're high, you'll kill. It's very bad that if you already like it, you took the pill from where you got on the plane, say that you know, sayonara, that's Japanese.