Tom Green - Celebrity Apprentice - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

Andrew Dice Clay looks at Donad Trump and says, Donnie, there wasn't enough cream cheese on the bagels in the hall!" The president says, "Andrew, whose problem is it?" And he says, "It's your problem, Donnie ! It's your problem!" "Andrew, you're fired." - Welcome to "This Isn't Happening." I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr. ♪ ♪ Some say it's only 15 minutes long. Some people will tell you. It's a creature mythical that lives at the bottom of a rainbow. And some will tell you not to overdo it, but if you ask me, I say... enjoy it while it lasts. It's a legend in the game.

Two words: Tom Green! I don't like to talk about politics, but... It's hard for me not to talk about politics when I'm on stage doing stand-up, because I know the president I know the president of the United States. on "The Celebrity Apprentice." Shout out to Brian McKnight. No, he's a good guy. I used to watch that show. I could win that business contest.’ So when they asked me to do the show, I thought, ‘This is great; I'm going to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice.' I'm going to win

this

," and I studied the show. I studied the whole strategy.

I got the tapes. I was going to win

this

. Episode one. I introduced myself. I didn't know who the other celebrities were. Enter my good friend Andrew Dice Clay. One of the great comedians in history and my good friend I knew Andrew Dice Clay for ten years He used to come do my internet TV show doing an internet TV show from my living room Yeah, my career was going. pretty good. Immediately when Andrew walked in, I thought, okay, this is going to throw my whole strategy out the window. When we hang out with Andrew Dice Clay, we like to mess with people.

We have fake arguments just to confuse the people around us. So in the first episode of "The Celebrity Apprentice," the second season, the president told us a challenge. We had to make cupcakes. I guess the president thought it would be a good business competition. Andrew Dice Clay. And we start messing with the people around us. Andrew gets angry and says, "Tommy, you're not putting enough sugar in the dough!" I say, "Calm down, Andrew, calm down!" Clint Black and Scott Hamilton are watching us. "Wow, these guys really seem to know each other." So now we have an alliance against us, right?

Andrew Dice Clay and I were too familiar. Clint Black didn't like him. Country star Clint Black. I don't want to say anything bad about Clint Black, but that guy is a fucking moron. No, no, he's a good guy. He's a good guy. This is how we finish our cupcake challenge. We headed to the meeting room. Everyone hears that we've been yelling at each other. The President of the United States... says to Andrew Dice Clay: "Andrew, I heard there was a problem today." Andrew Dice Clay looks at Donald Trump and says, "Donnie, there wasn't enough cream cheese on the bagels in the

green

room!" The president says, "Andrew, whose problem is it?" And he says, "It's your problem, Donnie!

It's your problem!" "Andrew, you're fired." So now my friend, my only ally, is fired. I'm all alone with Jesse James. Clint Black. Herschel Walker. And Dennis Rodman. Episode two. Olympic gold medalist figure skater Scott Hamilton is the project director. Our task is to make a commercial campaign for a shoe company that begins with the letter Z. Okay? It does not matter which one. But it starts with the letter Z. He suggests that we run a campaign called EEE. Energy, Enthusiasm, Excitement. I look at Scott and say, "That's the stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard." This did not endear me to my team members.

We lost the challenge. We enter the meeting room. I don't know if you're familiar with the rules of "The Apprentice," but the President of the United States... tells Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton, "Scott, you can fire a person." Will you bring it to the boardroom today? "You can bring two people to the meeting room. Who will you bring?" And Scott Hamilton says, "Mr. Trump, I know I can bring 'two people to the boardroom, but I'm only going to bring 'one' person to the boardroom, and that's Tom! Because Tom deserves to be fired." And he says, "Okay," and we go out into the hallway, we wait, the other cast members leave, and then we go back to the meeting room.

I look at the president of the United States... and I say, "I know, Mr. Trump," that Scott doesn't think he did a very good job, "but I think the reason we lost this challenge" was because his idea was to call the EEE campaign "and the company starts with a Z, and that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard." And Donald Trump looked at me and said, "You know, Tom, I think you're right. Scott, you're fired." And I got him fired! I...got...got...got him fired! I got Scott Hamilton fired! I got Scott Hamilton fired. Yes. I got Scott Hamilton fired.

I'm not bitter or anything, but I... It's been eight years. I'm fine now. Episode three. The president of the United States enters the room. He says, "Now let's decide who will be this week's project manager for each team." It was men against women. I raise my hand and say, "Mr. Trump, I would like to be the project manager." Our entire team looks at each other. They say, "Okay." On the ladies' side, the late, great and legendary Joan Rivers raises her hand. She is the project director for the ladies. So Mr. Trump, the president, says, "Okay, your challenge this week is who can sell the most wedding dresses." Who do you think will sell more wedding dresses, Dennis Rodman and I or Joan Rivers and Khloe Kardashian?

Needless to say, things didn't go well. My entire team now had an alliance against me. They rioted. Everyone had a job. Clint Black was supposed to handle promotion and marketing. He did not do it. Brian McKnight was supposed to do something stupid. I don't know what the fuck... He didn't do it. We lost the challenge. At the end of the day, after working hard trying to sell wedding dresses, Dennis Rodman leaned over to me and said, "Hey, Tom, do you want to go out for a drink?" Then I went out for a drink. With Dennis Rodman.

The president fired me because I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman the night he was the project manager. I mean, that's why I sometimes question the president's judgment. I mean, what are you supposed to do? You are a boy from Canada. You are in New York City. A 7-foot-tall cross-dressing basketball champion asks you out. You say yes, right? It's Dennis Rodman, right? It's Dennis Rodman. The guy is a legend; He'll probably pick you up and take you out to a steak dinner. You go out to spend the night in the city. You have some cranberry vodkas.

You arrived at the strip club. At the end of the night, you will return to the hotel. If you're lucky, he doesn't have sex with you. That's what I call a defensive zone violation. Well. No, it's just jokes, a little basketball joke. I don't know. I guess... I guess as a Canadian, sometimes I feel... strange talking about politics during this strange year in America, you know. I mean, at the end of the day, what do I have to do with it, right? And I know things could go wrong, but if they really go wrong, I'll move to Canada.

We are building a wall. I will make Donald Trump pay for it. But if I can say one thing, I will say that... meeting the president demystifies the presidency. I know the president personally. The president knows me. Anyone who knows me probably shouldn't be president. Hello, thank you very much everyone. - Tom Green, everyone, Tom Green!