Things That Annoy Jimmy | Jimmy Carr

There are two

things

that really bother me, you know, when you buy

things

and they come in that super hard plastic that you can't start with, you know what I mean and you end up tripping over a tooth and then you go get some scissors that you would never buy ? dream again this is first you think I will tie my teeth ah and then the worst is when you bought scissors and they have come in those things and they always meet that and genocide Oh back seat drivers are all the same why are we going to the forest?

Please let me go. Whatever you're cooking. I always make sure there are vegetarian options they can make or leave. Do cold calls bother you? Do you know a night when you're at home relaxing? After a hard day at work watching television and flipping through a magazine, the phone rings and a strange voice sounds that you don't recognize talking about something that doesn't interest you, isn't it, sir? Jimmy, I have your baby. Now you send money fast. Do you understand this? You have the problem of public and private phone calls. So when you're at work surrounded by colleagues or in the pub surrounded by friends, you get a phone call from your other half. and at the end of the phone call they say something that you would normally respond to, like you select what you want but you don't want to say it because there are people around to embarrass, so the end of the phone call passes well.

I don't do it, there are people around who want not to be like that, okay, I'll say it, I want to strangle you with my, you know when you go to a friend's house for the first time and they say, did you do it? Find it right, what do you mean? No, I'm still last. Did you understand this? You get the super condescending warning from the waiter about the hot plate you bring out when you go out to eat, that the self arrives and the way it arrives. wow, be careful, the dishes are very hot, you think you're an adult.

I think I'm going to operate a dish and I also can't help but notice mr. condescending waiter you just left it with your hand but it's too hot for my little fingers I'll tell you what mr. condescending waiter, we should see this hot, okay, it's really hot, I don't want to be an idiot, but you should have said the fog sign on the highway, how useless is that, who is it for people who drive thinking it's not can I see anything? I wonder if I have cataracts. Do you all do the same thing I do when driving normally?

They drive like this. Yes, that is the normal driving position. Little bear mist. Draw like that girl. Let me come over and have a bear of yours. in case the fog use the car I'm a typical guy I love all sports Pilates op Scotch conquer anything I need cricket fans on an interesting fact about cricket Cricket was invented in public school rugby when some kids played rugby football and other children forgot about the ball and they were all standing in a field and nothing happened. I like the advances that have been made in the curricula over the years.

Initially there was Test cricket that takes five days of your life and you don't play again, then there was one day, cricket is a huge improvement, then twenty20 only takes three hours to play. I'm looking forward to 1-1 cricket and ultimately zero cricket, where there's nowhere tough because the Paralympics are boring, that's what sport should be about. Did you see the Paralympic Games when it was in Beijing an inspiring or inspiring global event that three people saw it it seems like I don't know how to describe it to people who didn't see the Paralympic Games is something like the Paralympic Games is like a children's book where everyone broken toys make a picnic, well you can get off the moral high ground if you didn't even see it.

I had a favorite event and all events are interesting, I think, because you are watching sports that you have seen before, sports that you have participated in things done in a different way because they are done by disabled people, so you get a different angle, different rules, yeah, so they're all interesting, my favorite, and you have to promise that. If you think I'm making this up, Google it when you get home and check out YouTube. Treat yourself. Is incredible. The Paralympic Games, football for the blind. Okay, so they become normal. I'm not talking about strange. So what they do in blind soccer at their Paralympics: they get a normal, standard soccer ball, they put a bell on the ball and the blind people play soccer.

Their spatial awareness is so good that they could tell where the sound is, find the ball, I just find it, kick it and score a goal, how incredible is that and the GB team got silver gold, it went to some kittens, I don't know how they go to the stadium, presumably no one. saw and there was an unfortunate incident when the referee blew the whistle for the last time someone kicked him in the face, well speaking of special occasions, there was a couple a couple of weeks ago at one of my concerts, 35 years married, started to chat with them because I thought something pretty incredible.

This time he started chatting with them. I told him: what are you giving him for the anniversary? and he said: fryer. I told him: well, what did he give you? it's the worst gift you've ever received birthday anniversary christmas valentine what's the worst part of yourself you've ever received go what what was that so a little bit stronger not like what's okay in Sherwood what's your name what's sorry Toby Toby do you mind ? share with the group, thank you very much, actually, that's okay, that makes it a lot easier because there's a boo, try a good boo, a pretty funny boo, but we have to make hell of it, we'll leave it now, God, I'd love to to be able to let go. but I can't rules, but I don't mind sharing with groups, that makes it much easier.

We can go old school. Sorry, stop delaying, don't panic, sir. I have this. I'll have to put him as a waiter. Toby's mum is so fat it's a shame Toby your mum is such a beefy monkey Bobble slob sati boom bah t fat nothing she's so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders had finished the real story you sir What did you say, what was it, stop? stagnating, yeah, what's your name, you're trying to say Gary, look at me, Gary, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, Gary, if you want him to come back, you're going to have to scrape him off your mother's teeth.

The worst gifts were what, the worst gift, what am I sorry? I have a bread maker. Her husband bought her a bread making machine. I hate the whole concept because bread makers know that Mayor Berry spent like two hundred pounds on a bread machine. That's convenient, isn't it? because he doesn't live near shops and bread isn't cheap. I'll do it myself. It's okay because the ingredients cost more than a loaf of bread, but don't worry, what did you buy her instead of an engagement ring? You have a bread making machine. Instead of an engagement ring, you broke up with him, Ryan, you just divorced him, why did you still marry him?

I mean, he must have been awkward in the office, well, this one was nice, brilliant, him, poor thing, and the other bad. You're gone, you won't bore the water, a dog picking up poop, the air, the darkness at that moment, yeah, you're done with your dog, buddy, why don't you know you don't have him anymore? Oh, Toby's mom, with him, the fat one, sorry. Dude Oh, any other bad gifts, what do you get, nothing, Jesus, listen to the bitterness there, I think there are worse gifts than nothing, until I would like this, like if women bought Hoover's for their other half and it's not just , it's not just a gift.

It's a bit complicated, at least something in the house has some suction, well you said you wanted a bag, that's welcome, there was a girl the other day for a 21st birthday from her Nana, now there's a mental problem . Anyway, Banana bought him a beautiful gift-wrapped Argus catalog with a two-pound coin stuck to the front of it. Which is the worst? I think a lot of people are not Secret Santa. Are you doing Secret Santa at work tonight? Isn't it to get something good for less than 510? I went out and bought a wide mustache trimmer. She was furious, she didn't please some people, it's not like she didn't need it and being the best gift is obviously anal sex, not for a Secret Santa. that's a disaster but it's not it's better to give them to receive and anal sex is the gift that keeps on giving unless you stop giving and whose eyes water too much the worst I think a lot of people bought gift vouchers who listen I bought gift vouchers What were you thinking about?

You walked into a store when Excuse me, I want. Could you help me? I have some money here. This is accepted everywhere. Could you fix it for me? So it only works in this store for a while. limited time period I should explain that it's a gift and I'm an idiot people with Tourette syndrome what motivates it that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you