The World's Funniest Veterinarian. Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald - Full Special

She says, "Did you save the chicken?" Oh yeah. I didn't leave him in a latrine. (Audience laughs) Oh, you can't make stuff like that up. The other day this happened. This woman...her little hamster had come out and she had crawled under the refrigerator and caught it. And she was worried because when she put him back in her cage, she got stuck on the side of the cage. And then I thought, they have big bags on their cheeks and they may have abscesses. Maybe she had an infection. Then I reached into the little cage and I was trapped.

And I pull it and say, yeah. Then I look at his cheek and he has a refrigerator magnet. (audience laughs) You can't even feel anything for the little guy. Oh. Oh. Oh. (Audience laughs) He was working on Christmas and a wallaby escaped in this neighborhood near our hospital. He was running down the street. And the neighborhood dogs were mauling him. And two police officers took care of the rural and Denver police dogs. They saw that thing being mutilated. He didn't want it to be destroyed. They chased him, cornered him between two houses. They took off their big jackets, threw them over the wallaby, and were very sweet.

They didn't know what it was. And they threw him in the back of their patrol car. They come to me. The guy walks down the road with his wallaby and leaves. I'm coming, John, Heidi, is your schnauzer sick? He says, "We think we caught "a mutant rabbit." (Audience laughs). It's not a mutant rabbit. (Audience laughs). You can't laugh at him, though. You always have to be nice. Oh, yes. Mutant. (audience laughs). I just got bad news. The doctor told me, "You have AIDS" and Alzheimer's. I said, well, at least I don't have AIDS. (Audience laughs.) "Will you tell him a joke?" My mother keeps jokes in shoe boxes.

She says, "Will you tell the people of Provo a joke that I know?" She keeps them on index cards by year she heard it and by year. title. So here's your joke. I want my card back. Now go ahead and take the card. A guy goes to a doctor's office and says: Doctor, my wife is very vain. She won't have a hearing test. How can I measure my wife's hearing at home? She says, "You have to do the hearing test at home." "She's 40 feet, 30 feet, 20 feet, "When she's 40 feet, say something. "If she can't hear, she goes up 30." She can't, go up 20. "She can't, go up 10." Tell me how many feet she moves away first. "And I'll make her a hearing aid." ".

The guy goes home, he's 40, 30, 20, 10. His wife is 40 feet away. Honey, what's for dinner? 30 feet... honey, what's for dinner? At 20 feet... honey, what's for dinner? 10 feet away... honey, what's for dinner? She says, "for the fourth time, chicken." (Audience laughs) I only have a couple of minutes, but man, they've been so nice. I got to work with the cats. It's not always that easy. Someone comes in and says, "Can my cat sit too close to the TV and burn his retinas?" Who cares? (audience laughing) No, no. Women love cats and men hate them. cats for a second. I mean, they act like they paid rent, right?

They sleep all day on the couch. They throw up for fun. No wonder we hate them. battle of the sexes. Women already won. Did you know? Don't gloat about it. Look, men are twice as likely to suffer from heart disease and three times more likely to suffer from cancer. You live 8.8 years longer than me and I have to carry your suitcase? (Audience laughs) What kind of

world

is this? Bring your own suitcase. I'm already dying. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I went to veterinary school in Fort Collins. If the guy sitting next to me had tried hard, he would have done much better. (Audience laughs) But my gallbladder ruptured in May.

And you're scared and hurt. I've never had surgery in the basement of Saint Joseph's Hospital in Denver before, and you're filling out the forms. And you have an ill-fitting dress and your butt is hanging out, and you're scared and embarrassed. And I had a hatchet-faced nurse who looked like a ferret with earrings. (audience laughs) And she's in a bad mood. She says "hey." I say, oh, no. I peed in the wrong bottle. (audience laughing) And they have me on a stretcher. They were setting up the next available operating room and they had these screens around me.

She says "hey." I say, oh, yeah, yeah. She says, "You're scared, aren't you?" I'm going, yes, I'm afraid. I had never had surgery before. And she came up and hugged me. And the most gentle and generous. She says, "don't be afraid." She says, "when you come out of surgery, I'll be there and take care of you." She says, "You know what? Every day when I wake up, I say that today no one is going to be 'scared on my turn.' Isn't that nice? And that's what we have to do, remember and be kind." with each other.

Thank you very much for inviting me (audience applauding).