The Pleasure Principle: The Secret to a Better Sex Life | Laurie Betito | TEDxMontrealWomen

Translator: Peter van de Ven Reviewer: Ellen Maloney Okay. Does anyone remember who told them about sexual

pleasure

? Does anyone talk to us about sexual

pleasure

? (Laughs) Did we learn that in sex education class? Or did we just learn about STDs or how not to get pregnant? Did our parents tell us about pleasure? No. (Laughter) Now, as babies, all we know is pleasure. Without a doubt, it feels good! It has nothing to do with sex until someone says, "Don't touch yourself! Don't touch yourself." Then, as we grow up, if we are teenagers and express interest in sex, what do we call ourselves?

Whores, right? And even today, surprisingly, we still hear those kinds of comments. We celebrate male gratification, but we shame women for the same thing. We still have negative messages that come to us, from our families, from our culture, from religion; They are still out there. And then as we become adults and have relationships, we're supposed to magically love it. (Laughs) I can't tell you how often I see women in my office, and it's women of all ages, who come in saying they have problems with orgasm. Either because they don't see fireworks and expect it, or because they don't have orgasms with intercourse and come saying, "I have a problem." And then I ask them about their own pleasure when they please themselves and they say, "Okay, there's no problem with that." But even so, they still think they have a problem with orgasm.

Then there is the question of desire, another common question. Desire is not constant, for most of us. It does not remain static throughout the

life

cycle; fluctuates. And sometimes quite, very drastically. Unfortunately, all too often I see women who come to see me because (or even talk to me) tell me that they see sex as a chore, something they have to give, not something they share, not even something to carry. This usually happens when one of the partners has much more desire than the other. And in situations like that, women will avoid sex, they will avoid intimacy, that leaves them frustrated, alone, their partners feel frustrated and alone, and they wonder: what's wrong with me?

Don't I love my partner? Am I not attracted to my partner? But of course, when we start talking, they are attracted to their partner, they do love their partner, in fact, when they have sex, they do enjoy it. So what is the problem? Obviously, if you are in a terrible relationship, or a dysfunctional relationship, or you resent your partner, you will have no desire for your partner. But what about those of us who have happy relationships, generally speaking? What is happening? What's happening is that we need to understand how desire works in women. Mostly women, I'll tell you, not that it doesn't change that way for men, but I would say about 75% of women and 25% of men.

Desire for women is no longer spontaneous in long-term relationships, in most cases. And long-term relationships, which can be at any age. And studies have shown us that long-term means between six and 18 months, when that feeling of lust disappears. So, we lose that spontaneous desire, the feeling of being horny, that below-the-belt feeling, and it starts to matter more above the neck, actually, or above the waist, the heart and the head. And our desire becomes more receptive, meaning that when our partner stimulates us, we respond to that stimulation and our desire is activated. That is what triggers desire.

So what do we do? We have to commit to it; We have to choose sexuality. You have to choose it, knowing that it is good for you, knowing that you are going to feel good with it and that it will give you pleasure. But it is a conscious effort to choose sexuality. I'm going to give you a small example, which will give you an idea, at least it works for me. So how many of you love going to the gym, especially before your day? Alright, a couple of people. I mean, really, those are the gym rats in the room.

Most of us, I think most of us have a hard time going to the gym, right? So your alarm goes off at, I don't know, five or six in the morning, and you know you have to work out before the day, and you get out of bed and you're like, oh, do I have to go to the gym? Then you put on your gym clothes, once you have them on you don't go back to bed, you usually leave. So you go to the gym, you work out. That workout always feels good. It feels good, you feel energized and you say, wow, that was great, I have to do this again tomorrow, I love it.

Well. Tomorrow comes and your alarm goes off at five in the morning. Are you going to jump out of bed? No! You loved it though, right? You don't have a spontaneous desire to go to the gym. (laughs) Does that make sense? Alright. The next step to achieving good sexuality is understanding our body. There are mainly women here, right? How many of you, and I want you to raise your hand, be honest, if we lined up all your vulvas in a row, that's like the whole part, we lined you all up naked, how many of you could choose? yours out? (Laughs) Well, a handful.

There are some guys... I see a couple of guys in the room. If we lined up the penises, I guarantee everyone would be able to tell them apart, right? (Laughs) I knew it. (Applause) As women, we are blessed with an organ that is only for sexual pleasure. That's all. It's called the clitoris. As you can see here, it's not just the little tip that you feel; It's a whole structure. 75% of us women will not and cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone. It doesn't matter if you're pushing for 10 minutes or 10 fucking hours: (Laughs) it's not going to work, okay?

We need clitoral stimulation to get there; that's really important. And interestingly, the latest research shows that women who have orgasms through intercourse, the distance between the vaginal opening and the clitoris is shorter, so they feel more pressure. So the clitoris has to be involved. Make sense? Well. But still, I see women all the time, when I tell them these two facts - that desire is more responsive than spontaneous, that they will not have an orgasm through intercourse - the feeling of relief, the look of relief, is truly priceless. . And they say, "You mean I'm normal? You mean, all this time?

I thought there was something wrong with me..." So keep those two facts, if you want, today. Important. We are more normal than we think. Sexual health is a human right, according to the World Health Organization, and that implies sexual pleasure. Giving up sex harms us, it harms our relationships, it even harms us physically. Studies show us that people who have sex regularly live longer, look

better

, feel

better

, and have better relationships. So you don't want to give that up. So what's the

secret

? The

secret

is to understand (to tell the truth, there is no big secret), but the secret is to understand that sexuality, our sexuality, is constantly evolving; changes: what feels good at one time may not be good at another time.

Our desire may be high at one time and not so high at another, within relationships, within ourselves. So this is the most important thing to remember: that it evolves. We must recover the pleasure. We must prioritize our pleasure. That is a change of attitude. That is what we need. Thank you. (Applause)