The Science of Flirting: Being a H.O.T. A.P.E. | Jean Smith | TEDxLSHTM

Translator: Queenie Lee Proofreader: Ivana Korom Let me ask you something. Have you ever been in a situation where you asked yourself the question: Is this person

flirting

with me? Imagine the scene: you are at a friend's party. You walk into the kitchen because we all know that's where the fun is. And you see an attractive stranger receiving a drink from a case of wine. Your friend is a student. And then they refill your drink and you say something funny to the handsome stranger. An attractive stranger laughs. Good for you. And then for the next few minutes, there's some eye contact and more talking.

But after a few minutes you start thinking: 'Is this person

flirting

with me?' Sound familiar, anyone? Look at the person sitting next to you, it has happened to them. It has happened to the person in front of you. You see, this is a universal enigma. But no more! Because in the next ten minutes I'm going to tell you the signs of flirting and you'll never wonder again: is this person flirting with me? I'm Jean Smith. I'm a social anthropologist who studies flirting, a flirtologist, if you will. Now, as a flirt, I research, write books, give talks.

And I work with both private and corporate clients, all with the goal of helping people be better flirts. I can see some of you sitting there, thinking, 'Really!? Is this necessary? I mean teaching people how to flirt? Yes. (Laughs) Yes, it is. I've been doing this for over a decade. And if the question - is this person flirting with me? - was popular then, "everyone wants to take him to prom" is popular now because over the last decade the way we flirt has changed dramatically. People increasingly rely on digital forms of communication. But let's face it, a tongue out emoji won't get you very far.

At some point, you'll have to meet in person. Unless, of course, you're a Japanese man, and in that case, you could marry your video game girlfriend: Rinko. So, as part of my quest to help people be better flirts, I did my research. I went to the cities of London, New York, Paris and Stockholm, and investigated the flirting behavior of their inhabitants. And I discovered that there were six things that they all had in common. Six ways they could indicate they were flirting and understand when someone was flirting with them. And I teach this as H.O.T.-A.P.E. (Laughs) It's the six signs... it's an acronym for the six signs of flirting.

What if I told you, 'You must have a parking ticket because you have "fine" written all over it?' Would you laugh? Well, the 'H' is for humor. Raise your hand if you thought my joke was funny. Go ahead, don't be shy. Okay, all hands up, I would definitely date you. (Laughs) Well, if my husband wasn't such a control freak. But anyway, if you didn't raise your hand, it's not a good match. It's just not going to work between us. But it's me, not you. But this is a good thing because HOTAPE people takes time. Does anyone here like to read a good novel and watch an interesting TED talk?

Does anyone here like test cricket? These things take time too, especially Test cricket, five days? And this is where people often go wrong because they want to appeal to everyone. But no, you only want to attract those people who agree with you. And that's why humor, specifically a shared sense of humor, is really important in helping you differentiate between your potential HOT-APEs and squirrel monkeys. I mean, yeah, they're cute. I'm sure they have a great personality. But at the end of the day he is a squirrel monkey. It's no HOT-APE. So 'O' is for open body language.

Three things to remember. Number one, don't do this. I know some of you are guilty of this. I've heard it all before, oh, but I'm cold, or this is comfortable. Well, whiny voice aside, in what case do you want to make me more HOT-APE? Like this? Or like that, right? Not HOT-APE. HOT APE. Number two: make sure your shoulders are facing the person. So no HOT-APE, no HOT-APE, no HOT-APE yet. HOT APE. Not HOT-APE. HOT APE. Now, the third one, this is the most important one, and I'm just telling it to you. This is a really good one.

To see if someone is interested, look at the direction their feet are pointing. So if his feet are pointing at you, that's a good sign. If they are to the side, it means they are planning their escape route. The further our extremities are from the brain, the more difficult it is for us to control them. So, Shakira, I know you say: hips don't lie, but the flirtologist is here to say that feet don't lie. 'T' is for touch. Like humor, touch also has a positive physiological response in our body. Now, as a general rule, the shoulder is a safe place to touch.

But as you move down the arm toward the hands, the touch becomes more intimate. That's why I recommend everyone touch the hand and say something like, 'Oh, you're so funny,' people seem to love that stuff. Oh, another place that would be good to touch would be right here on your upper back between your shoulder blades, maybe if you're passing by there you can give it a light touch. Now, of all the signs of flirting, people seem to be the most cautious about using touch. As one of my clients said, 'Well, with the other signs you can get away with it.' But when it comes to touching, you're guilty.

But touch can get you out of the friend zone and can also show someone that you're interested. And if you remember, I like Test cricket, it lasts five days, I don't have time to HOT-APE everyone, then if the person doesn't respond positively, you can try someone else. 'A' is for attention. This one might seem obvious. The more attention someone pays you, the more they like you. But the problem is that once you are in the interaction, it is very difficult to be objective. That is why in anthropology we have a methodology called participant observation. And I think this could be a really useful tool for flirting.

It means that you are participating, you are in the interaction, but you are not so involved in it that you cannot observe. So if, for example, you touch and say something and you see the other person blush, it means that you are not so self-aware that you cannot observe the effect you are having on the other person. And that, my friends, is when flirting gets really fun. 'P' is for proximity. Proximity was now used in two ways. First, if you see someone across the room and they're suddenly next to you, it's not a coincidence. It means they like what they see and should explore further.

The other way proximity was used is when you are actually in the interaction, they are closer than usual. So if you feel attracted, great. If not, they are in their space. So the last of the flirting signs is the most important. Can anyone guess what it is? Thank you. It's eye contact. This was the number one way people could understand someone who was flirting with them and the difference between

being

friendly and flirting. So, in flirtatious eye contact, the gaze occurred more frequently. It took place longer and was more intense. So using these signs: humor, open body language, touch, attention, proximity, eye contact, you will be able to recognize when someone is flirting with you.

And as a general rule, the more signs the better. Now one of my clients told me my favorite story about using HOT-APE in the field. He had shared HOT-APE with all of his friends. And one night, guys came out doing HOTAPE. One of her friends was making eye contact with a guy at the bar and she walked up and talked to him. She returned a few minutes later, a little dejected, my client said: 'What happened? What happened?' And she says, 'Oh, nothing.' 'Well, did you make him HOT-APE?' She says, 'Yes, yes.' And then they started going around: 'Did you use humor?' She says, 'Yes, yes.' 'What's with open body language?

Didn't you do this like you usually do? 'No no.' 'What about touch? Did you touch it? Back, hand.' 'Uh, God, I didn't use touch.' And then they started laughing, like, 'Well, no wonder.' And what normally could have been a situation of

being

down or, you know, feeling bad, just turned into a fun game. And this is the power of HOTAPE because it turns flirting into what it should be. It's fun, easy, no big deal. And when we think about flirting like that, it totally changes our rejection paradigm. And in situations where we often feel self-conscious or a little nervous, we have scientific tools to help us remember what to do.

And finally, it makes it not about us, it's a checklist; It's a homework. They are things to do, rather than how we often view flirting, which is a stranger's assessment of our worth. Now you know the signs of flirting and I encourage you to not only recognize them but be proactive, because these signs also help you express interest. And this is my challenge to you: forget the game, forget the rules, be genuine. Take action and HOTAPE someone. Thank you. (Applause) Thank you.