The Lawyer - SNL

HERE YOU GO. HE WAS FIVE MILES FROM THAT BAR PLAYING POKER WITH HIS FRIEND, MR. BIRD, THE NIGHT OF THE MURDER. YEAH. THAT'S ALL. I REST MY CASE. VERY GOOD, JURORS. HAS HEARD INITIAL STATEMENTS FROM BOTH THE DEFENSE AND THE PROSECUTION. MISTER. DOUGLAS, NOW YOU CAN CALL YOUR FIRST WITNESS. PROSECUTION CALLS GREGORY SHARPE TO STATE. WAIT. EXCUSE ME, MR. DOUGLAS. HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU THAT... WELL, FRANKLY, YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EYELASHES? THANK YOU, SIR. I mean, this can't be the first time you're hearing this, right? IT IS NOT, YOUR HONOR of him. WOW! WHAT A GUCKLE TO BE YOU, HUH?

WALKING THROUGH THE CITY, TAKING SPRING WHERE YOU GO. SIR, CAN WE CALL THE WITNESS, PLEASE? OF COURSE. SHERIFF. DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH? WOW. Mmm I am sorry. I'm just losing my train of thought. MR. SHARP, WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT OF THE 7TH? AS I TOLD THE POLICE, IT WAS POKER NIGHT AND I WAS PLAYING POKER WITH MY FRIENDS. INCLUDING MR. BIRD? YES, HE WAS THERE. SO ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK INTO MY EYES, INTO THESE EYES, AND TELL YOU THAT I WAS WITH YOU THAT NIGHT?

ALL NIGHT? ME, UM, WELL -- ALL NIGHT? IT WAS POKER. MR. SHARP, WAS IT THEN? UM, WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME -- COME ON, MAN. AND TELL ME THE TRUTH. HE WAS NOT WITH ME. HE WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE. COME ON MAN! NO MORE QUESTIONS. OBJECTION. WHAT IS THIS WITH EYELASHES? I am appalled by the accusation here. HORRIFIED OR JEALOUS? Dismayed. THIS IS NOT FAIR. GOOD. THE JURY WILL DO THEIR BEST NOT TO BE INFLUENCED BY THE PROSECUTOR'S BEAUTIFUL AND INVITING EYELASHES. AND THEY WILL ALSO ignore the fact that the bumper tabs are lumpy and unremarkable.

GOOD, THANK YOU. MISTER. SHARP, WHEN QUESTIONED BY THE POLICE, YOU SAID THAT MR. BIRD WAS JOINING YOU FOR POKER NIGHT AT YOUR APARTMENT. IN FACT, HE CAME TO YOUR HOUSE EARLY TO HELP YOU GET UP. YOU EVEN HAD LEFTOVERS OF THE BEERS YOU BROUGHT THAT NIGHT. SORRY NOW, BUT...OMG! WELL, NOW YOU'RE DIRECTLY INFLUENCEING THE JURY. THAT'S RIDICULOUS, SIR. PERMISSION TO APPROACH THE BANK? WELL I WOULD LIKE IT VERY, VERY MUCH. OH, YOU BOTH. I CAN GET YOU SHOWED FOR THIS, BY MANIPULATING A JURY. I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO BLAMEANTLY IGNOR... SO BLAMEANTLY IGNORE A PROTOCOL IN SUCH...

OH GOD. Mm. THERE... THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. PERHAPS IT'S YOUR UNORTHODOX METHOD. MAYBE IT'S THE WAY YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF. ♪♪♪