The BEST Joe Lycett Emails | 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown

I have been trying to sell false stories to newspapers and this is one I tried to sell to The Sun newspaper. I'll read it to you, recently I was walking through Soho in London when I saw Matt Baker from the BBC One show on his phone in the street he seemed angry about something and at one point he was so angry that to my amazement he tried to kick a pigeon, He had about three attempts and on one of them he cut off its wing, he was screaming what sounded like die pigeon. prick this didn't happen anyway i never met matt baker i managed to get some photos i was wondering how interested you would be in buying them because i got a reply from the sun newspaper in two minutes they said joe kicking a pigeon question mark that's shit for a one time guy show is quite colloquial for a first email I think you could send me the photos regards I can't give your real name for legal reasons so I call you rodney I said rodney my lawyer says I shouldn't send you the full photos until I have an offer from you on how much you will pay by them.

I have attached a cropped version of one of the photos for now, here is my photo of a pigeon that I attached. the one above also touched a photo of Matt Baker and said: can you send me a photo of this man kicking a pigeon? So I sent him a curve ball and just said it was a photo of Matt Baker. I thought he was Chinese. he replied you thought it was a chinese question mark you mean you have a photo of a chinese man kicking a photo i said yes how much will you pay for it?

I said I'm afraid we might be wasting each other's time, good day, you'll be sorry when I see tomorrow's Guardian cover, uh, so I spend a lot of time writing letters and I found the email address of the CEO of Network Rail, he owns all the train stations in the UK, so I actually wrote this, dear sir, I am contacting. you regarding an urgent emergency in London Houston last night I enjoyed a prawn masala and garlic naan from a curry house in Peckham. I had concerns about the hygiene standards of the establishment, but my hunger blinded me and I decided to ignore the warning signs, so today I have been, as my father would say, peeing my ass, which is why this is relevant to you is that I am currently at the London and Houston train station without 30p, some of you might be ahead of me on this as your healthcare facilities require this fee and I am about to explode.

I am in a very dangerous position. I've managed to find some privacy and am currently sitting behind a container on one of the platforms near the France disposal, desperately trying to maintain what I anticipate will be a towering cascade of post masala sadness. I was wondering if you could lend me some of your salary of 675,000 and then I put in parentheses that would buy you 2.25 million trips to the bathroom at the train station, lucky bastard, to avoid this impending atrocity, either that or maybe stop charging for what the Most people would consider it a basic human right.

Regards, J. Lysa. I also put p.s.: if you lend me the money, I would be happy to invite you to have tea at my house to thank you, but please give me lots of information. Note that I will have to install a turnstile outside the bathroom pps, you are literally kidding me. I get a lot of parking tickets and I have found that if you ask for proof you can often get away with the ticket. I was up north doing a show and had to find him, so I emailed the council asking for evidence. I got an email from a woman named Steph who said: Mr.

Lysette. I passed her email to the freedom of information team. I hope they are there. I will contact you soon. I didn't like that word, hopefully, so I responded to Steph sadly. Hopefully, butter? There are no parsnips. Can I give me an email address of the person you contacted? My lawyers would like to contact you directly. It has been a great help and I hope. you won't be caught up in the next thing, the next thing was quite sinister, mr lysa answered clearly, i'm not sure what you mean by buttered parsnips, i have given in on the foi team, who will advise me now, i got an email from someone named colin mr. lysette said, your request is very broad, so i assumed you only want information pertinent to your recent parking ticket.

Attached is the evidence we have, which are photographs of his car clearly parked in a taxi at this time, the photographs they had are of my window which had a taxi rank written on it by presumably a disgruntled taxi driver, there is actually no evidence of a taxi rank in that photo, so I went back to colin, right? I said mr collin when you assume you make a fool of yourself and me. I see that your evidence is nothing more than a picture of the words taxi rank written on my car. I would say that this evidence is insufficient.

I also apologize for the delay and for responding to your previous email. I am currently on the Costa del Sol. I provided evidence of this and then posted this image to reverse the fine. You will have to provide evidence that your vehicle was not at a taxi rank, so I said, "Oh, Mr. Colin," evidence provided. It was actually stationed on the moon like you. I can see clearly, sir, I canceled the fine the last time I was on the show. I got some feedback from a viewer that, for legal reasons, we'll call Brian. I received it around 3 am after the broadcast, the topic was eight. out of every ten cars they just saw you on the show and had to email you and tell you that you're Jimmy Carr.

It's by far the

best

thing about that show. You're not even remotely funny. Here are some tips. Find another job. You're an idiot, please. Consider the environment, do you really need to print this email? What Brian foolishly did was he left the email signature of his workplace lawyers, so I replied, Dear Brian, thank you for your email about my recent appearance on Eight Out of Ten Autos, the show. derivative. For the very popular

cats

8 out of 10, I read with great interest your opinion on Jimmy Carr. In fact, he is a fantastic comedian and broadcaster. You left your workplace address in your email signature.

I have arranged for a signed photograph of Jimmy to be sent to you to thank you for your comments. Yours. Joe. I also put p.s.. I will now spend some time considering the environment before printing your

emails

. Then he emailed me very quickly and responded: please don't send me anything. This is my workplace, sorry for the last email, I was drunk Brian, but anyway I sent him this photo, which is your photo with my autograph, then I replied, my beloved Brian, thank you for your apology, but It's unnecessary, in any case, I owe you something. an apology because i sent what is clearly my autograph on a photo of jimmy's car.

I practiced my signature on leftover photos of jimmy and there must have been a clerical error I had this morning with my forever congratulations, jay leicester. I also put PS: I'm still considering the environment, he responded, please don't send things to my office. Sorry for sending the first email. I was drunk too late. I sent him this, that's how I signed my name and then he responded honestly, man. Actually, I apologized and you're still sending stuff, this is my workplace, man, the glitter got everywhere, oh, I added glitter to the honor, so I responded, okay Brian, I'll stop sending you stuff.

I must tell you that I am done. My environmental considerations before printing your

emails

and I have decided to print them regardless of whether they are in the mail at your offices and addressed to the manager. I received a one-word response from Brian. Don't lie to everyone. I like writing letters, especially letters. of complaint and I recently received a parking ticket on Christmas Eve in Birmingham city center so I wrote this complaint letter now my friends say they think I went in too much. I don't think I did. I wrote dear bastards, that's fair. It is not like this?

I received a parking ticket in Birmingham city center on December 24th. You may be more familiar with this state's most popular name. On Christmas Eve I was in town buying food and toys for some sick and hungry children I care for at a local orphanage plus a small gift for my elderly mother, including some novelty chocolates in the shape of male genitalia, actually called cockles, when I get back to my car, you can imagine my surprise and disappointment to find a parking ticket taped to the windshield, I cried as Jesus forgave these sinners on Christmas Day, they don't know what they're doing, that's actually Easter, but I got confused.

He may also have chased his parking enforcement officer shouting "Die Judas." I'm willing to offer as payment a bottle of sherry, Christmas cheer and all that, yes. If you do not pay within 14 days it will be reduced to half a bottle. If you refuse this offer, I will have to pay the fine with money from the orphanage, which will force me to starve one of the weakest children, named Graham. I attached a photo. As a child, he is a six-year-old boy with blonde hair and the voice of an angel. I also said p.s. to be absolutely clear if you don't cancel the fine i will kill a child well jimmy i have some of my comedy correspondence i always leave my christmas shopping until the last minute and last year was no exception on december 23rd i found a bowl, a fruit bowl that I thought my mother would really like from an online store based in Birmingham, which is where I live. so I emailed them to ask if she could get delivery faster than the usual five business days because she needed it for Christmas.

I received this email from Chris. He said Mr. Lysette, thank you for the email from her. This item is online exclusive therefore we can only arrange it online delivery is five working days. Best regards Chris. I'm not sure his greetings were kind. I actually responded dear Chris. Thank you for your kind greetings. The problem is that I need the bowl tomorrow since it's a Christmas gift. There is no way? I can pay more for next day delivery or pay online and pick up. Very kind regards Joe, replied dear Mr. Lycee. Unfortunately, we only offer five business day delivery.

Kindly regards. Chris. Definitely unpleasant. So I responded. Chris. I need this bowl for Christmas Day, which happens. famous on the 25th, where

does

the bowl reside? Is it in physical form in your store in Birmingham or

does

it exist as an ethereal spirit on the internet that manifests only when purchased through your online store? Regards, Joe, replied Mr. Leicester. I see well done, Chris. Normally we wouldn't do this as it is an online exclusive, but as a gesture of goodwill it can be arranged if you order through the website and return later you can collect it.

Best regards, Chris, So I paid 4.99 for shipping and packaging on the website. Once collected, the bowl was given to mom. She loved it. Very nice Christmas, a few days after New Year, another bowl arrives at the house. Listen, get this email. Mr. License. I am contacting you regarding your purchase. We sent him a skittle bug after he picked one up. from our store, could you return it to us if you want to keep it? We can arrange payment. Best regards, Chris So I replied: Hi Chris, here is the bowl and I am just attaching a photo of the bowl.

Yes, Mr. Leicester, that is the bowl. I mean could you let me know when you will return the bowl? I responded that I don't understand Chris. I returned the bowl in the last email. The bowl is online, it only exists in the email as a gesture of goodwill if you sent me the 4.99 I paid for shipping and packaging. I will return it in physical form, all my love, Joe, replied: Keep the bowl and keep the change and just attach a photo of five dollars.