The Anti Animal Vegan. Collin Moulton - Full Special

would decide whether or not that bastard was going to receive his mail. That was our technology. I don't know how any of my stuff works. Telephones, guys to understand yourphone at all. I don't know why I miss calls, I don't know why I do it. But I have friends who want to know. I have one friend in particular who always wants to know who had the most bars. Did you have bars? I have bars. Do you have bars? So I'm just saying something I heard. I'm like, I just changed towers. I have never seen a tower in my life.

I do not know what that means. My mom thinks she has to call me first to text me. She waits for me to respond and then starts texting when I respond and have the phone next to my ear. That's when she hears all the loud beeps and starts texting. It's so painful. And I can't hang up because I have to decipher from the tones because she won't answer my call until she texts him back. If I hang up and call again, she says, "I'll wait." My wife thinks I'm living a double life because of my cell phone.

I'll explain it. If there is a background noise every time you move forward, it sounds like you are in a wind tunnel. Are you in a wind tunnel? Why would I be in a wind tunnel? I don't work for NASA, I'm not testing space shuttle chips. Hey, remember that time I said I was in Provo, I was in space? I was in an antigravity chamber answering my phone. That's ridiculous. So technologically he's not as smart as me. But generally speaking, my wife is smarter than me and that's pretty normal. I guess women are smarter in some ways, studies have been done.

No do not do that. We're not going to do that. They have done studies and you can retain detailed information better, ladies, but what do we have, gentlemen, common sense. Right men? Common sense. Look at them without moving a muscle to prove it. Common sense tells me to shut up right now. We have great ideas. The guys have big ideas and no details. If you leave us alone in the wild long enough, we just kill ourselves by accident. That's why synergy works. Women have details. You find one you like and give it enough details to keep it alive.

Watch YouTube, there's always this guy on a moped driving off a cliff with like a towel, I can fly. That's just an idiot that a woman has had enough of. She let him do that. She ran towards Pastor. I just need a big towel. My wife has an IQ of 143, which is great. I don't compete with that. She took two online IQ tests, I added them together and I couldn't beat her. So she didn't even tell him that. She let him have it and so he gives me information and the synergy works. Like she had a high fever, I thought it was uncomfortable.

I didn't know the details. She said this fever is dangerous. You have to keep me calm. If it gets to 105 degrees, you could suffer brain damage. And I was like, really? How much brain damage are we talking about exactly? I don't want to change you three times a day, but I can definitely afford to level the playing field a little. Cook it for a minute and we'll get along better. I'm trying to help us. Cheaper than advice. I'm not bad, I don't want to overcook her, I want her to understand the orders. She was crying in the car for no reason.

That's so scary for a man. An emotion that we don't know where it came from. Or more importantly, ladies, how long will it last? So I thought I caused it, because I'm a man and men are narcissists. I was like, what did I do? Since I am the center of your universe, we believe that we cause all your emotions, ladies. Here's one. If you don't know, we also believe that we cause all your pleasure. Isn't it hilarious? Everything happens in the control center. So I thought, what did I do? She says, "Not everything is bad for you." I just yawned and it made me cry.

Do you never yawn and cry? I was like, no. I either yawn or cry, but I try not to put them together. The same day he looked at the sun and made me spit on it for no reason. What a nice dinner. I was like, what are you doing now? The sun sneezes. Do you never sneeze or cry in the sun? I was like, no. However, I occasionally fart at women when they spit on me for no reason. You might want to look for that later. Tonight you will have a Dutch oven. That's how I play it.

But I need her because she is an instinctive mother. She is a mother instinctively. I'm not an instinctive parent. My wife, the woman is an instinctive mother. Observe a woman when a baby cries. They go towards the sound. Save it, save the baby. Look at a friend. Oh, that's horrible. I'll be in the garage, where no one can ever bite me or poop on me. Those are the rules. So she helps me. She is a mother instinctively. My generation we don't have the books. We read all the books, all the parenting books, because they all say different things.

There is no book on parenting. There is no one way to do it right. It's like people in the '70s burned all the parenting books at a disco and left us hanging, and then we're just experimenting with these kids. My whole generation is just experimenting. I tell kids all the time that their parents don't know what we're doing. We're just trying things out with you. Do you remember the last time you had a timeout? You say this isn't fair. It probably wasn't, we don't know what we're doing. I took my daughter to a pet store and she was going crazy over the guinea pigs.

I want a guinea pig. I was like, we have one. It's you, I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to do it well. I want to be a good father, but it's hard. It is really difficult. My son has started saying bad words, not bad words because we don't use them at home. You don't say the words we teach them. We teach them that you don't say stupidity and you don't say hate. Because those two words create conflict by taking away someone's dignity. We always use them to illustrate that. So for him, stupidity and hate are the two worst words in the world.

And I put them in a timeout and he called me hate stupid. Both words are the F word. I know exactly what he told me. I'm not stupid, little hate, I broke your code. Two days before coming here he called me stupider. He added an er to stupid. He created effort out of nothing. He was very proud. He is a linguist. He is a genius. I can't even tell the counselors. It's hard to be a father, it's not easy. And the books say different things. And my wife gave me a big book and said: read this.

And that's what they do, you have to read one. But there should be a disclaimer that says, hey, idiot, not everything is in this book. Because I thought if it wasn't in the book it was normal, which is fine. Unless something happens, it's not in the book. Like my daughter made a noise after eating the bottle. She was acting like a little screamer. She did it frequently, so I searched for squeaks in the book, and she wasn't there. So I nicknamed her Squeaks and moved on with my life. I showed it to my friends, one of my friends is a nurse.

She says: I don't think that's normal. And it wasn't like that, she had reflux. That's where you vomit a little and eat it. That's what she had been doing the whole time, fighting for her life and I called her because of the symptoms like an idiot, because she wasn't in a book. Very difficult. It is very difficult to do it well. I left my son in the car for a couple of minutes when he was six months old, not long enough to hurt him. Plus I have three kids, so I have a couple of extras. You can stop judging.

I'll tell you the story and then you'll know why it was my wife's fault. What about that? She wasn't there, but it was her fault. Because she knows my limitations. I don't do several tasks well at the same time. I can do three things, that's my limit, man. And she knows it. Women, you already know, we are more like that. We do three things, that's all. That's why you make us a list, look at the nod, look, you make us a list, I make you a list, and then you call us in the middle of the day and change our list and just leave us out, lost.

That's why there are so many idiots at the mall who say, I don't know if she changed my list, did she change yours? You're my last one, you know what I mean? And that's what she did to me. She was going to pick up my daughter from preschool. At that time she was three years old and I was going to pick her up. So I drive a car, make my baby take a nap, and pick up my daughter. So it's picking up the daughter, not crashing into other cars, that's one thing. Baby sleeping. Man, mind is

full

now, don't call me in the middle of it.

And that's what she did. Telling me things I already knew. Then I got mad at her and that's when everything was ruined. Because I thought, don't tell me how to be a father, I'm a good father. Then I hung up. So now what I have to do is pick up my daughter, not crash into other cars and get mad at my wife. Then I lost the baby while she was napping. Three things fit and I can't choose which one goes, okay? So I went into preschool and all the teachers were there. They say, where is that baby?

I was like, I'm not going to tell you guys. I grab my daughter and say, I don't know. You ever try to get out of a preschool, it's like getting out of a prison. There are chain links and checkpoints, and I'm not going to have four-year-olds and grandmas armed directly. Get out of the way of saving lives. And we opened the doors and he was fine, I guess. I don't know, he was six months old. So all he did was drool and crawl. I think that's what people do after cooking them in a car for too long.

So I will never know for sure and I have never told my wife. This is our secret and I have lived with it every day. I watched my son like a hawk, and when he does weird things, I have to think that's why he is. Look at these ratings, are they from when I cooked it? I don't know. Is this what people do when you cook them? I can't Google it, my wife checks my web history. She tries to do it right, but it's difficult. It's hard to be a father. You go on vacation and now you have all those things with you.

I had to... Right? Oh you know. Yes. I met Simon Cowell. Have you ever gone crazy over a celebrity? I met Simon Cowell and completely lost him. And I never thought who Simon Cowell is, did I? So I thought, man, I would never have thought of him as a big celebrity, but when you meet him, something happens, it was weird. So I have the kids, we rent an RV and I drive to Santa Barbara. And when you rent an RV and you have kids, the deposit is $1,000, and immediately when the kids come in, they start ripping things off the walls.

And there are 100, here 500 there. You'll reach 9,000 before you even reach the first exit. So I'm nervous. And we get to Santa Barbara, and we start walking the dogs, I have to go out and walk. We're walking the dogs and we see this British guy with little dogs and this woman he's with who's his best friend's ex-wife or something. The whole thing? Yes. Like all women, read about it in Cosmo. This is true. This is a big problem. So my wife knew. She had no idea. But this woman looked as if she had gone to a Botox appointment in the morning and then she had forgotten that she had done it.

Then she went to another one in the afternoon. And she was like a British drunk. Hey, as long as I stay upright, everyone will still party with me. And they are walking dogs, and our dogs saw their dogs and the dogs don't care about all that. Are they like where you smell? Let's do it, smell. So now we were there with Simon Cowell and the Botox lady and it was awkward and weird. And I felt nervous because it's Simon Cowell. I kept saying, you're Simon Cowell. And he said, I know. And the pro-tax lady said... she couldn't talk because of...

So after a while I thought, I don't want to be in her space anymore. They are famous, let's leave them alone. I say, hey, let's take kids. Let's go, let's take off. Nice to meet you. But you know drunk people don't know where to go, so they just follow the last one they were with. And also, it was that awkward thing where you say goodbye to someone and then you both go in the same direction. It's like we're just walking together with Simon Cowell and Mrs. Botox. and his dogs, and we're on vacation with Simon Cowell.

And so, like five minutes later, we pull into the parking lot, we pull into our RV, and he gets into his ghost limo. Something beautiful, like a driver who gets out, picks up the puppies, prepares the whiskey for Cowell and sits him gently on the leather. These guys live a completely different life. So we get into the RV and I turn to my wife and say, she was beside me. I say that was Simon Cowell. She goes, then, whatever. I'm going, no, you don't understand. That guy has had an impact on global culture, and I was in the same place at the same time doing the same thing as him, and that's moving.

And she said, he's fine, great. In any case, it is necessary to empty the gray water tank. And I say, okay, life. So I leave the RV but I keep thinking about Simon Cowell, about what he should have said. And then I get distracted and I go to pull the gray water valve, I just pull the one next to it, which is the black water valve, which is shitty right in the parking lot. So I closed it immediately. Four shits in the parking lot. I'm like shit, Oh no. And it's Santa Barbara, you can't leave shit in a parking lot.

They will give youthe death penalty. So I ran inside and grabbed a bag of targets and I had to pick them up, man. So now I'm picking up poop. Well, I have little kids and they love poop. So they're pulling at the blinds, trying to see them by ripping them off the wall. And I'm like, wait, I didn't get the deposit. I say, stop breaking the board. So I'm standing there with a handful of my family's excrement, yelling at my crazy kids: Get off the boards, you

animal

s! And I listen, and I look, and it's Simon Cowell saying goodbye to new friends.

I'm like, we're not doing the same thing at all. It was an illusion, man. She wants to, I don't know. I chose a woman from the Midwest. I met her in Indiana, I found her in Indiana. I found it in a cornfield, not on a dry cob. She still eats corn on the cob. She eats corn on the cob, which I can't stand. I don't know if you like that stuff, but corn on the cob is ridiculous. Sorry, I won't stick with that. That's archaic food. It comes from a time when we did not have the technology to remove corn from the cob.

Dude, if we could just get it off the cob, we won't be eating pork on pork for a reason. Back here. Have you had the apple on the tree? I broke my arm last week. Certain foods we simply take for granted. We bought them once and never bought them again. And once a year, you take a few drops and put them on something and you think, that's why I don't eat that. As if mustard doesn't have a very good life. It just stays there. Horseradish. Horseradish has the worst business plan of any food on the planet.

Can you imagine trying to make a living selling bay leaves, for example, as if once you sell one leaf to everyone, it's over? You have to retire. Everyone has a bay leaf, that's it. Dry beans. Has anyone ever cooked dried beans? Dont do it. You just put them there so it looks like you can cook, and then when your friends come into the living room, you open a can of beans and make dinner. And they say: they are delicious beans. Thanks for the good dinner. I let them soak for three days to get rid of the farts.

Open the can. You opened a can, you liar. Skimmed milk. Does anyone drink that shit? Skimmed milk. That's the dairy industry's response to the milk hate of the '90s. Remember the milk hate of the '90s, when everyone said it was bad for you. We are the only

animal

that drinks milk from another species. We are also the only animal with thumbs that cooks our food and watches Netflix. Careful, it's a slippery slope, man. 1% is better for you. Well, cook your pork at 1%, see how it turns out. Chicken nosed boy. I don't eat anything because I'm

vegan

.

It is not strange? I am

vegan

. You know what it means? It means I have no friends. That's what that means. They can lift their own body weight. That's a myth, by the way. That's a myth. The other myth is about animals. I could care less. I mean, I have friends who say, wow, you love animals so much that you're a married animal. I say it's not about that. It's about health, that's why I do it. For health reasons. Okay, are you with me? It is for health reasons. In fact, the animals had less to fear from us when we ate them, because we only had to kill one to eat them for weeks.

Now, I'm competing for the same garden, I have to kill all those vermin. If I see a rabbit looking at my carrots, I'll kick his whole family, I don't care. I'm waterboarding the squirrels to find out what time the deer show up. I'm not kidding. That's my garden. I am an NRA anti-animal vegan. I don't want to shoot them. Someone has to do it. Load up Nugent and take your positions. It has to be good. I have to be a good person for my children. I want to be a good example. Is this your family, your children?

Madam, are you with your children? - No no? They were pointing at you before. Are they all big? Are they all gone? OK. - Nine of them. - Nine of them? Did you have nine children? What are you going to? From Utah? Oh really. - 42 grandchildren. - 42 grandchildren? - 14 large. - 14 great-grandchildren? This is good, right? How do you keep track of everyone? Should you always be making birthday cards and things like that and gifts? You? - It's on my calendar. - Is it on your calendar? It's a written calendar, right? - It is a printed calendar. - It is printed.

It is carved in stone. Good baby. How old are you, little friend? I understand you. Pokémon, you say? Alright. I feel bad for the dogs because we... I feel bad for the dogs because we breed them for our enjoyment. We make. We have all these funny little ones, it's the Kickapoo. I once had a half-dachshund, half-retriever dog. Have you ever seen a dog like that? He is a large dog with dachshund legs. Like a laboratory they went down to. When I first saw him, he was lying down and then he started moving. And I thought: is it a floating dog?

That is what I want. I want those three floating dogs. I asked the guy. I wonder, how did that happen? And he says, any time he takes a Wiener dog into a big dog and you mate them, that's what you get. Big dog, small legs. I thought, really, don't you ever get that backwards? Like a little dog with very long legs? I would have a whole pack of long dogs. That would be fantastic. Hell yes. I once had to put a dog down. I got him in a rescue without death, which is also a rescue without truth.

Because when I went I asked him how old he was because his teeth were worn down. And they say: Oh, he's six years old. I thought, but his teeth are a little worn. He's probably just chewing on rocks. I trust him. I was like, okay. And a year later, he turned 14. You know, when a dog turns 14. Because they say, could you carry my legs? It was time and he said: I gotta go, man. So I called the...he hadn't even gone yet, because he hadn't had it for that long. I hadn't been to the vet. So I called the vet and said, "Hey, I have to schedule a euthanasia for this old dog." And they said, he's fine, great.

He just goes down. I thought, well, we need a schedule, right? He says, no, we're open. Low. I thought: Should you go down so you can kill my dog? Can you slow down a little? Just come on down, we're open right now. Come outside. So I went down there and walked in and they were like, Oh yeah. You are euthanasia, right? Yeah. Oh, just get in there. And I was thinking that he was going to the lobby, I go in and he's in the room and the lady comes in with a syringe. And I'm like, wow, what are we doing?

She says are you ready? I was like, Okay, you haven't even checked to see if this is my dog ​​yet. Frankly, I've been using that loophole to calm the neighborhood. Mr. Mon, this is your third shih-tzu this week. You must be very sad. Your punch card is almost

full

, the next one is free. How bad for all animals. Chickens, have you ever looked at a chicken? Chickens, that is the stupidest animal on the planet. They are afraid of everything. That? Fear and stupidity are no way to live life. We have many politicians who demonstrate it every day.

Chicken heads are stupid, but their bodies are smart. The head doesn't care. The heads say, where do you want me to lay my head? Alright. What are you doing with that axe? So right here? OK. And then it hits, and the body says, we should get out of here right now. Move. There is very little time, take the head, we do not sail. I can not see. You guys are fantastic. Man, you guys are fantastic. Let me tell you something. I was at a concert last night and I realized the power we have like this, and I want to take note of it right now.

This is important. You all came here at a time in this world when people never agree on anything. And you all agree on one thing. They have laughed together many times tonight and they all agree at the same time on one thing. And that is remarkable. So thank you for coming and doing that. Applaud yourselves. We need it. It feels good. I apologize for my haircut. Sad, I was recently diagnosed with calyx, if you know what it is. That's where the big clumps of hair don't like each other. They say, forget it, I'm not even next to him anymore.

He's curly, I'm straight. He's been trying to touch me all day. Get off, I don't like it. Homophobic hair. They call that chalice. Like a cow licks you and walks away, ruining your hair forever. Does that make sense outside of Kansas? What the hell was that? That was a cow. They will ruin your hair. Everyone knows that. We are the only country that names our hairstyles after farms. We have chalices, ponytails, ponytails, braids, goat butts. It's like a big farm party over your head. Someone in Africa right now says, "Honey, put your hair in a hippo teat so we can go to dinner." Do you know that crack?

Yes. He speaks that language. How cool would it be to speak kosher. It's like an African language with clicks, man. If he could speak that, he would introduce me to every job interview bilingual. How do you speak Spanish? No. That's what I'm talking about. You have to hire me, I'm bilingual. It's in the ad. I always thought it would be cool if one of those guys stuttered. Pondo, that's a brutal stutter. The children keep opening the door. Don't think I'm insensitive to the challenge of stuttering either. My best friend growing up had a severe stutter and he always told me that his worst fear in the world was that a police officer would pull him over because his stutter would make him look nervous.

I thought, you should become a police officer, that would make everyone nervous. This is how karma works. Four years ago, I was stopped by a real police officer who stuttered in real life. And now, as if he had ended up with a stutter, neither. This guy closed his eyes and committed to every syllable. Like when I see sparks from the Sheriff's Department. Do you know why I appear? Lady. Did I stop you tonight? He looked at me like he was doing it weird. I have no idea why you stopped me. To mess with my head, are you serious?

How am I not supposed to laugh and go to prison for the rest of my life? It's not fair. And he's a police officer, how dangerous is that? Freedom. Free-free-free-free-free, freedom. Oh no. A shower on a cake, you freeze in time. He should have been a non-professional trumpeter, no one would have noticed. What would happen if you stuttered and that police officer stopped you? It would be disastrous. Do you know that I have attracted you? No. Don't make fun of me. I meant, no. This is how I speak, this is how I speak. I didn't do-do-do-do.

I have to change the dash cam tapes halfway through. There was no place for that in an episode of Cops. That was a miniseries. Thank you all for hanging out with us. We had a great time with you. Provo, Utah. I love you.