It Has Been A Weird Couple Of Years. Jonnie W. - Full Special

Do you remember the Carpenters, older people there? Then they have a song. It's a song of questions. Continue for four minutes. That song should be longer than nine seconds. It's an easy question. If you don't know what, say like this. ♫ Why do birds suddenly ♫ appear every time you're around ♫ Because I have bread! (audience laughing) I don't know. My marriage survived the pandemic. That is very beautiful. I was at home a lot. And then my wife still loves me. That's pretty good, so I like it. And she endures a lot. Y'all, I'll be honest. I am a smart professional, literally.

And I tell him that he comes up to me about five or six times a day. I'll tell you something very sarcastic. And the other day she said to me, "Why do you always do that?" And I go, honey, I understand. I could do better, but give me credit for what I'm withholding. Can you imagine... (audience laughs) --the things I'm not saying right now? (Audience laughs) But sometimes they slip, you know what I'm talking about: married people, you know what I mean. Sometimes, you can't help but say this is the worst. We were at the Hampton Inn last weekend.

My wife went on tour with me and we're at the Hampton Inn. And Hampton is one of those places where they got rid of breakfast. You're still paying for it, but they say, sorry, COVID, no breakfast. Here's your bag with an apple and a muffin. (Audience laughs) You throw it in the trash. That's what they're basically saying. (Audience laughs) Now that breakfast is making a comeback, I feel excited until I realize that this breakfast was never good. It's not horrible. This rubbery bacon, these powdered eggs, they're all watery and

weird

. Those eggs at the breakfast buffet are...ugh!

Although my wife just ate them. We're just trying to make our flight. She is eating these liquid egg powders. And then she looks at me and says, "Jonnie, how do they even make powdered eggs?" And I said, honey, when two chickens in dust love each other very much. (Audience laughing) And she didn't speak. for me the rest of the day, but it was worth it. I have to tell you that was... Well, she left you with this. This is something I like to do to close the show. the medley of jokes, just a bunch of random thoughts that I put in with the music and I hope you enjoy it, but I'm not really counting on that (playing guitar).

I want to host a game show, where southern contestants answer trivia questions. for cash and prizes. And wrong answers cost them hair. It's called "mullet." (Audience laughs). I thought it was cool when I was a kid, and my dad pulled my loose tooth out using the old rope-around-the-doorknob method. . He was less cool when he pulled out my tonsils (audience laughs) (he plays guitar). I want to find 10 people who are giving 110% so I can continue moving forward at 0%. (audience laughing) (playing guitar) Arizona makes me nauseous, but it's dry heaves. (audience laughing) (plays guitar) I think bankruptcy books should start with Chapter 11. (audience laughs) (plays guitar) After watching my doctor open a Capri Sun bag, I hope I never need a tracheostomy emergency. (audience laughs) (plays guitar) Allergies are really bad in Tennessee.

We are always number 1 in allergies. That's how bad the situation is in Tennessee. We have people in Tennessee now buying meth to convert back into Sudafed. That's when you know. (audience laughing) (playing guitar) I hate racism. Even more than that, I hate that simulation. I hate just taking stances on race. Like when a white person doesn't want to be accused of being racist, he always says something stupid, like "I'm colorblind." "I don't see colors." But my grandmother was colorblind and racist. (Audience laughing). She used to tell us kids: "You can't trust those gray people." (audience laughing) (playing guitar) My friend was trying to cheer me up the other day.

He comes. He is always too cheerful. He says, "Johnny, it takes twice as many muscles to frown as it does to 'smile.'" I said, I know. You're worth the extra effort. (audience laughing) (playing guitar) Our mom used to always say that a spoonful of Sugar makes the medicine go down. It was true for everything except suppositories. (audience laughing) (playing guitar) I call that joke sweet and low (audience laughing) I'm Jonnie W. God bless you guys. Thank you for coming! (audience applauding)