Stephen Colbert: Every Member Of My Family Has Been Terrific

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW". I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I HOPE EVERYBODY IS FINE. WE ARE WELL HERE. HOWEVER, ONE OF THE STRANGER THINGS ABOUT DOING THE SHOW AT HOME, ACCORDING TO MY LITTLE STUDY HERE, IS THAT IT'S STARTING TO FEEL NORMAL, AND THAT'S REALLY STRANGE. I MEAN, WHY IS MY SON SITTING ON THE FLOOR WITH HEADPHONES? HE'S TALKING TO MY DIRECTOR IN NEW YORK. SAY HELLO TO JIM. HELLO, JIM. Stephen: Does JIM say hello to you? HE DIDN'T SAY HELLO. Stephen: ARE YOU ANGRY AT ME? PROBABLY. Stephen: PETER HAS BEEN EXCELLENT. EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY HAS BEEN EXCELLENT, WHICH STATISTICALLY MEANS I AM THE BAD ROOMMATE.

BUT WE HAVE NO CHOICE. RIGHT NOW, INSIDE IS THE PLACE TO BE, BECAUSE THE NEWS FROM THE OUTSIDE IS ALARMING. THIS WEEK, THE GOVERNMENT PROJECTS 100,000 TO 240,000 CORONAVIRUS DEATHS. THAT'S WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW FOR EVERYONE TO STAY SAFE AND FOCUSED. AND STAY INSIDE. AND I KNOW THE AMERICAN PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THIS, BUT SOME OF OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS ARE SLOW TO ACCEPT. REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS IN 11 STATES STILL REFUSE TO ISSUE STAY AT HOME ORDERS. THEY ARE CHALLENGING UNTIL THE END. THEY EVEN HAVE THEIR OWN PATRIOT FLAG, "DON'T COUGH ON ME." BUT SOME REPUBLICANS ARE BEGINNING TO RECOVER. LIKE THE GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA AND A TENTH GRADE BOY READING SOMEWHERE CRUSHING WAS SEXY, RON DESANTIS.

AFTER REFUSING TO CLOSE THE STATE BEACHES DURING THE SPRING BREAK, YESTERDAY DESANTIS ISSUED A STATE ORDER TO STAY AT HOME, AND EXPLAINED WHAT CHANGED HIS MIND: IT IS A VERY SERIOUS SITUATION, WHEN YOU SEE THE PRESIDENT ABOVE AND YOUR BEHAVIOR IN THE LAST DAYS IS NOT NECESSARILY AS IT ALWAYS IS. STEPHEN: SO, IT WAS NOT THE DATA OR THE SCIENTISTS. WAS IT TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR? HOW DOES IT WORK? IS IT THE CORONAVIRUS GROCKHOG? "Legend says if Punxatawney Trump crosses his arms and frowns, six more weeks of quarantine!" DESANTIS IS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE LIGHT A LITTLE LATE.

SO IS THE GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA AND THE MAN WHO TOLD HIS PLASTIC SURGEON "GIVE ME THE WILD CARD," BRIAN KEMP. YESTERDAY, KEMP HOLDED A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE WAS FINALLY TAKING THE CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY BECAUSE NEW INFORMATION HAD COME TO LIGHT. THIS VIRUS IS NOW TRANSMITTING BEFORE PEOPLE SEE SIGNS. THOSE INDIVIDUALS COULD HAVE INFECTED PEOPLE BEFORE THEY FELT BAD. WELL, WE DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE THE LAST 24 HOURS, AND LIKE DR. TOOMEY TOLD ME THIS IS A GAME CHANGER FOR US. STEPHEN: DID YOU NOT KNOW UNTIL YESTERDAY? IT'S ALL THEY'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT SINCE JANUARY! YOU'RE LIKE A GUY WHO SAYS, "I FINALLY STARTED WATCHING THIS 'GAME OF THRONES.'" NOBODY TOLD ME THERE WERE DRAGONS!

THIS IS A GAME CHANGER! WE ALL KNOW THAT THE VIRUS CAN SPREAD BEFORE PEOPLE ARE SYMPTOMATIC. THIS IS WHY WE ARE SOCIAL DISTANCING. You are crazy! IN FEBRUARY, THE DIRECTOR OF THE C.D.C. HE SAID THIS TO CONGRESS: WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED IN THE PAST EIGHT WEEKS IS THAT THIS VIRUS CAN ACTUALLY CAUSE AN ASYMPTOMATIC INFECTION. NO SYMPTOMS. STEPHEN: CAN YOU TELL HOW LONG IT WAS? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: IT HAPPENED IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. ANOTHER GOVERNOR WHO IS NOT HELPING IS WISCONSIN DEMOCRAT TONY EVERS, SEEN HERE PUSHING A STAFF INTO A WELL.

EVERS AND THE G.O.P.-CONTROLLED LEGISLATURE THEY REFUSE TO POSTPONE THE WISCONSIN ELECTIONS, WHICH ARE SCHEDULED FOR THIS TUESDAY, EVEN THOUGH MORE THAN 100 MUNICIPALITIES WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH POLL WORKERS TO OPEN A SINGLE POLLING PLACE. BERNIE SANDERS CALLED WISCONSIN TO POSTPONE ITS ELECTIONS AND HAVE EVERYONE VOTE BY MAIL, EXPLAINING: "PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE FORCED TO RISK THEIR LIVES TO VOTE." MY IMMITATION OF BERNIE SAID WELL. VOTING PLACES SHOULD NOT BE DANGEROUS. WE ALL REMEMBER THE DISASTER IT WAS IN '72 WHEN ALABAMA REPLACED THEIR ELECTION WORKERS WITH BENGAL TIGERS. VOTING BY MAIL LOOKS LIKE AN OBVIOUS SOLUTION, BUT WISCONSIN REQUIRES EVERYONE TO VOTE BY MAIL TO GET A WITNESS SIGNATURE.

ON ELECTION DAY IN WISCONSIN, THEY GAVE AWAY TWO STICKERS: "VOTE" AND "I LIKE TO SEE PEOPLE VOTE." AND COME ON, EVERYONE IS SOCIAL DISTANCING, WHAT IF YOU LIVE ALONE? AS 77-YEAR-OLD SALLY COHEN COMPLAINED, "I was distraught this morning when I opened it and saw that you need to have a witness. I thought, 'I just can't do it.' THEY SUGGESTED THAT THE POSTMAN LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW, BUT I'M AGAINST THE THIRD FLOOR, SO THAT DOESN'T WORK." THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS: ALL POST CARRIERS SHOULD CARRY LADDERS SO THEY CAN LOOK THROUGH THE OLD WINDOWS!

NOBODY LISTENED. DEMOCRATS WANT TO REMOVE BARRIERS LIKE THESE ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. IN THE RECENTLY PASSED STIMULUS BILL, NANCY PELOSI TRIED TO GET FUNDING FOR THE ENTIRE COUNTRY TO VOTE BY MAIL. BUT, THAT WAS STRONGLY REJECTED BY THE PRESIDENT, AND HE EXPLAINED WHY ON "FOX AND FRIENDS": THE THINGS THEY HAD THERE WERE CRAZY. THEY HAD THINGS THAT... VOTING LEVELS THAT, IF EVER AGREED, WOULD NEVER HAVE AN ELECTED REPUBLICAN AGAIN IN THIS COUNTRY. STEPHEN: WOW! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD. You're supposed to pretend you won the election because people like you. THAT'S LIKE SAYING (AS TRUMP) "I CAN'T STAND THESE NOVELTY SCORES.

TOUCHDOWN COUNTING LEVELS THAT ARE JUST CRAZY. IF YOU EVER AGREE, THE LOSER WOULD NEVER WIN AGAIN." TRUMP REALLY DOESN'T STAY FOCUSED. THE FIRST HOUR OF YESTERDAY'S CORONAVIRUS REPORTING PASSED WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT CORONAVIRUS: TODAY, THE UNITED STATES IS LAUNCHING ENHANCED ANTARCOTICS OPERATIONS IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE TO PROTECT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FROM THE DEADLY scourge of ILLEGAL NARCOTICS. STEPHEN: WELL, BUT THAT'S NOT THE DEADLY WHIPING THAT EVERYONE THINKS ABOUT! I AM NOT GOING TO BLANCH MY CUCUMBERS BECAUSE OF ILLEGAL NARCOTICS. ALTHOUGH I BET THAT IF YOU BLANCH A CUCUMBER, IT WILL GET YOU. STREET NAME: "SATAN'S GUCKLE". AND AGAIN, MY LEGAL TEAM WANTS ME TO TELL YOU, DON'T ACTUALLY BLANCH YOUR CUCUMBER, UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR PICKLE TO TASTE LIKE A POOL.

THEN TRUMP MOVED ON TO SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO HIM. DID YOU KNOW IT WAS NUMBER ONE ON FACEBOOK? I mean, I just found out I'm number one on Facebook. STEPHEN: ENOUGH! FOR! NOBODY CARES. IT'S LIKE NERO WATCHING ROME BURN, SAYING (LIKE TRUMP) "I just found out I have the number one single on Billboard's Hot Violin chart. I mean, it must be hot. I smell a lot of smoke. Who's making toast? ? I'M INSIDE ." NOW, DURING ANY NATIONAL CRISIS, PEOPLE STARTING TO HEAR CONSPIRACY THEORIES. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I guess Illuminati mind control. YESTERDAY, A CONSPIRACY THEORIST IN LOS ANGELES (AND STAY WITH ME ON THIS ONE) TRIED TO CRASH A SPEEDING TRAIN INTO A HOSPITAL BOAT.

Fortunately, no one was injured, largely because after jumping the tracks, the train stopped 250 meters from the ship. LITTLE KNOWN FACT: TRAINS CANNOT PROVIDE IF THEY ARE NOT ON THEIR TRACKS. SOMEONE REALLY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT TO THIS GUY, WHO IS A... TRAIN ENGINEER. THIS HOSPITAL SHIP IS THE SISTER SHIP OF THE ONE IN NEW YORK PORT, "THE COMFORT". THE ONE FROM L.A. IT'S CALLED "THE MERCY". AND HE--LET'S SAY, CONCERNED CITIZEN--BOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN TO SINK THE "MERCY" BECAUSE "HE BELIEVED IT HAD AN ALTERNATE PURPOSE RELATED TO COVID-19 OR A GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER." SO THIS GUY IS DUMB AND WORST OF ALL, THIS GUY TOTALLY RIPPED OFF THE PLOT OF THE UPCOMING MOVIE, "FAST AND FURIOUS 10:2 TRAIN 2 BOAT." BUT DON'T WORRY, THE POLICE CAUGHT THIS GUY.

HE WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH ONE COUNT OF "TRAIN CRASH." ENOUGH WITH THE LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO, WHAT WOULD YOU ACCUSE HIM OF? Oh, train wreck, okay. ONE TARGET OF THE ONLINE CONSPIRACIES IS THE NICE RUMPELSTILTSKIN, A LEADING EXPERT ON INFECTIOUS DISEASES, WHO IS TRYING TO HELP YOU GUESS HIS NAME, ANTHONY FAUCI. SINCE THE CRISIS BEGAN, DR. FAUCI IS JOINING TRUMP'S DAILY PRESS BRIEFINGS TO ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS THE PRESIDENT CAN'T. THEN, THE QUESTIONS. ONLINE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SEE THIS AS DELIBERATELY UNDERMINING THE PRESIDENT. AND NOW, AFTER RECEIVING THREATS, ANTHONY FAUCI WILL RECEIVE ENHANCED PERSONAL SECURITY. THAT'S GOOD.

BUT I'M NOT SURE THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT A 79 YEAR OLD MAN NOW IS TO SURROUND HIM WITH PEOPLE 24 HOURS A DAY. ON "CBS THIS MORNING", THIS MORNING, ON CBS, DR. FAUCI WAS ASKED ABOUT THESE ADDED STRESSES: THERE ARE REPORTS THAT NOW YOU HAVE TO HAVE SECURITY. I WONDER HOW THIS HAS AFFECTED YOU PERSONALLY. IT'S MY JOB. THIS IS THE LIFE I HAVE CHOSEN. AND I AM DOING IT. OBVIOUSLY THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSURE. I WOULD BE A FOOL TO DENY THAT. BUT THAT'S WHAT I DO. THERE IS A JOB TO DO AND WE HAVE TO DO IT.

STEPHEN: THAT'S INCREDIBLY NOBLE. I'M GOING TO TRY TO BRING THAT SAME LEVEL OF DEDICATION TO MY ESSENTIAL JOB DURING THIS CRISIS: MAKING JOKES ABOUT ANDREW CUOMO'S NIPPLES. DR. FAUCI, YOU ARE AN EXPERT. WHAT'S HAPPENING IN NIP TOWN? ARE YOU LETTING THE FREAK FLAG FLY? COME BACK TO ME. THANKFULLY THE VAST MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE GRATEFUL FOR THE WORK DR. FAUCI HAS DONE IT. AND HE HAS BEEN A NATIONAL WAVE OF FAUCI-MANIA. RIGHT NOW ON ETSY YOU CAN FIND FAUCI T-SHIRTS, PRAYER CANDLES, AND EVEN FAUCI SOCKS. HE SAID WE CAN'T PUT OUR HANDS ON HIS FACE, BUT HE NEVER SAID WE COULD NOT PUT HIS FACE ON OUR FEET!

MATE! DR. FAUCI HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY KIND TO ALL THIS ATTENTION: WELL, DR. FAUCI, LISTEN, YOU'RE IN DONCAS, YOU'RE IN SOCKS, YOU'RE IN CUPS. THERE ARE FAUCI FRIDAYS. "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, THERE IS A PETITION TO BECOME THE "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" BECAUSE PEOPLE SAY THE BRAINS ARE SEXY. I WONDER HOW YOU ARE... WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY THINK ABOUT ALL THIS? IT'S REALLY A LITTLE CRAZY. WE TRY NOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO THAT AND JUST FOCUS ON THE RESPONSIBILITY AND THE JOB WE HAVE. THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. NOT THOSE OTHER THINGS. STEPHEN: THAT'S VERY HUMBLE. AND SO SEXY. JIM, PUT FAUCI BACK.

CAN WE GET A WIDER SHOT? OOOH, THE NATIONAL Itch INSTITUTES. JUST TRY TO STAY SIX FEET AWAY. TONIGHT WE HAVE A SHOW FOR YOU. ALICIA KEYS IS HERE. AND I WILL TALK TO HER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M TALKING TO THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, NANCY PELOSI. IT IS SUCH A SPECIAL OCCASION. I can wear a tie. STAY.