America's Obsession With Gov. Cuomo Has Gone To A Weird Place

WELCOME BACK. I LOVE SEEING YOU HERE ON "A LATE SHOW". I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S WEDNESDAY... I THINK? THAT DOESN'T HAVE THE DATE. I THINK IT'S WEDNESDAY. IT'S DIFFICULT TO TELL. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, EVERY DAY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE BEING FUCKED. THIS IS OUR SEVENTH, I THINK. SEVENTH SHOW? SEVENTH SHOW WITHOUT AUDIENCE. WE DID ONE IN THE THEATER BEFORE OUTSIDE. WE DID THREE THE WEEK BEFORE THE BREAK, SO THAT'S SEVEN. HAPPY TO BE HERE. DELIGHTED TO SEE YOU. IT'S STRANGE, BUT IT'S LOVELY. I ACTUALLY DID THE COUNTS AND I HAVE BEEN ISOLATED FOR 2 IDATE NOW.

DID YOU KNOW, AND I JUST FIND OUT THIS, THAT THE WORD "QUARANTINE" COMES FROM THE ITALIAN "QUARANTINE", WHICH MEANS 40 DAYS, WHICH IS THE LONG TIME PEOPLE WERE ISOLATED DURING THE PLAGUE? SO I'VE GONE HALF THE WAY IN A QUARANTINE, WHICH IS TRADITIONALLY WHEN YOU START GOOGLEING THE ETYMOLOGY OF THE WORD "QUARANTINE." FOR THAT TO CHECK. OF COURSE, AND THIS IS WHERE MY HEAD GOES, THE WORD "QUARANTINE" IS VERY CLOSE TO THE WORD "FOURTH" IN THE DICTIONARY, AND FOURTH MAKES YOU THINK OF THE OLD RHYME "TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, ONE DOLLAR ". THAT MAKES TWO BITS PER QUARTER.

YOU KNOW FRIES, "HERE ARE MY TWO POINTS." WHY IS A QUARTER TWO BITS? WELL IT TURNS OUT THAT OUR WORD "DOLLAR" COMES FROM THE SPANISH CURRENCY "DOLLAR", WHICH WAS THE OLD PIRATE EIGHT. SO EACH PIECE IS A POINT. THEREFORE, TWO BITS ARE ONE QUARTER OF A DOLLAR. ARE WE STILL TRANSMITTING? WELL WELL. AS YOU CAN SEE, I HAVE NO PROBLEM FOCUSING HERE. YOU'LL ALSO NOTICE THAT TODAY I DROPPED THE SUIT AND TIE FOR A BLAZER AND AN OPEN NECK SHIRT, I'M GOING TO GRADUALLY BECOME MORE CASUAL AS THE SHOW PROGRESSES. IN MAY I WILL NOT WEAR MORE THAN TWO BAND-AIDS and a smile.

SO WE HOPE FOR THAT. MY FAMILY AND I ARE BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOR A WHILE, RIGHT, PETER? RIGHT. THAT'S MY SON PETER WHO JUST SAID "GOOD." She says hello to EVERYONE, PETER. HELLO EVERYONE, PETER. Stephen: Last night, my daughter insisted that we stop the chaos and make a chore chart. She SAID: "she WE ARE ALL ADULTS NOW SO WE ARE LIKE ROOMMATES." THAT'S WHY, WHEN I FILM THIS SHOW, I PUT A SOCK ON THE DOOR. WHAT I LOVE ABOUT PEOPLE, AND I LOVE PEOPLE, IS THAT CRISIS LIKE THIS BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN THEM.

AND THE BEST PEOPLE, OF COURSE, ARE NOT PEOPLE. THEY ARE ANIMALS. TO PROVE IT, IN COLORADO, A WOMAN TRAINED HER GOLDEN RETRIEVER SUNNY TO DELIVER GROCERIES TO A NEIGHBOR WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS DURING THE QUARANTINE. LET'S SEE IT IN ACTION. Well, here's Sunny bringing the shopping list that the neighbor gave to the owner. AND HERE SHE IS CARRYING HER NEIGHBOR'S SHOPPING. IT WORKS WELL. She is PART OF THE NEW "DOG DASH" DELIVERY SERVICE. SUNNY'S OWNER SAYS SHE WAS INSPIRED WHEN SEEING A STORY ABOUT A DOG COMFORTING PEOPLE IN A HOSPITAL. SHE THOUGHT, "WAIT A SECOND. I HAVE A DOG THAT COULD HELP!" WHEN I HEARD THAAD, I SAID I HAVE A DOG THAT CAN HELP, BENNY.

COME HERE, BENNY. WE ARE GOING TO HELP THE PEOPLE. YOU HAVE TO COME HERE. THE CAMERA IS OVER HERE. NOT OVER THERE. COME ON. LOOK WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU. I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU. YOU NEED TO TAKE THE MEMG TO THE NEIGHBOR. I HAVE A RECIPE. I ASK MY NEIGHBOR TO GET MY RECIPE. AN OLD ONE-- NO, NO-- I'M OLD AND I HAVE WRITTEN MY RECIPE ON A PIECE OF HAM. I RUN OUT OF PAPER. IT IS MEDICINE FOR THE HEART. I NEED IT, VERY IMPORTANT. TAKE THIS TO THE NEIGHBOR WHO WILL TAKE IT TO THE PHARMACY.

ARE YOU READY? There you go. HE REALLY WANTS TO HELP PEOPLE! DO YOU WANT TO HELP SOMETHING ELSE? HERE YOU HAVE. THIS IS... THIS IS A LETTER... THESE ARE MY TAXES. I HAVE TO FILE MY TAXES OR THEY WILL TAKE MY FARM AWAY, VERY GOOD. TAKE THIS... TAKE THIS TO THE POST OFFICE. DON'T FORGET TO PUT A STAMP ON IT. WELL. He is VERY HELPFUL. THERE IS MORE HELP. YOU WANT TO HELP SOMETHING ELSE. THIS IS MY SHOPPING LIST. There you go. There you go. And that's just... that's just... that's just for you, because you love to help.

WELL, AND THIS IS HOW IT WORKS. OKAY, COME HERE. COME HERE. YOU HAVE... COME HERE. RIGHT HERE. WATCH THIS. COME HERE YOU, THIS. LICK THIS. NOW IT HAS THE MESSAGES AND IT WILL DELIVER THEM TO MY NEIGHBOR'S LAWN IN ABOUT TWO HOURS. KISS ME! BOOIB, FRIEND. HE LOVES TO HELP PEOPLE. WHAT CAN YOU SAY? IT'S TRAINING. YOU HAVE TO BE FIRM. NOW WHILE SOCIAL DISTANCING IS WORKING WE KNOW THE WORST IS TO COME IS AS WE SAW THE ASTEROID COME IN AND HIT SOMEWHERE AT THE EXHIBITION WE ARE WAITING FOR THE WAVE TO COME OVER THE HORIZON.

WELL, I THINK THE TIDE IS RISING, BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT THEY PROJECTED ABOVE 100,000 DEATHS, AND IT SEEMS THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP UNDERSTANDS THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION WE ARE IN. Yesterday he held a two-hour briefing and his tone was much more serious. MENTION BEING PREPARED FOR THE DIFFICULT WEEKS AHEAD. Stephen: THE PRESIDENT POINTS OUT THAT AS DANGEROUS AS THIS VIRUS IS, AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT. IT'S AN INCREDIBLY DARK SUBJECT, AN INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE SUBJECT AND IT'S INCREDIBLY INTERESTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYONE IS GOING CRAZY. THEY CAN'T GET TIRED OF THIS. YES, THIS PANDEMIC THAT IS CRIMINALIZING THE WORLD ECONOMY REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL: REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL: Stephen: NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT APPEARS TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, HE HAS STILL ISSUED ANY ORDER TO STOP THE ENTIRE COUNTRY .

HE WANTS TO LEAVE IT TO THE STATES, WHICH HAVE PROVIDED SOME VERY INTERESTING EXCUSES, LIKE ALABAMA, WHOSE GOVERNOR RECENTLY SAID THIS: YOU, WE ARE NOT LOUISIANA. WE ARE NOT THE STATE OF NEW YORK. WE ARE NOT CALIFORNIA. AND NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN PLACE. Esteban: OH, NO, NO. NOW IS EXACTLY THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN PLACE from him. YOU DON'T WANT TO BECOME NEW YORK OR CALIFORNIA. SHELTERING IN PLACE IS PREVENTIVE. THIS IS LIKE SAYING: "WE ARE NOT PREGNANT. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO START USING CONTRACEPTIVES.

LET'S START, RAW DOG." BUT PERHAPS THE WORST POLITICS COMES FROM FLORIDA, WHICH IS CURRENTLY SUFFERING A FURIOUS CASE OF BEING FLORIDA. EVEN THOUGH THE STATE'S INFECTIONS ARE GROWING RAPIDLY, THE GOVERNOR REFUSED TO SHUT DOWN THE STATE UNTIL TODAY, BECAUSE LEAVING IT TO THE COUNTIES IS NOT WORKING. HERE'S A RECENT PHOTO IN WHICH A FLORIDA COUNTY CLOSED ITS BEACH BUT ITS NEIGHBOR DIDN'T. THAT'S A TOUGH CHOICE FOR THOSE SPRING BREAKERS: "WELL, FOLKS. SHOULD WE GO TAKE SHOTS AT MR. FROG'S BODY OR SIT IN SILENCE SIX FEET APARENT AT MR. FROG'S HOUSE?" ONE GOVERNOR WHO IS GETTING RAVING REVIEWS FOR HIS LEADERSHIP IN THIS TIME OF CRISIS IS THE GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK AND THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF CHRIS CUOMO AND ANDREW CUOMO.

GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS PROJECTED A MUCH NEEDED AIR OF COMPETITION DURING THE EPIDEMIC, AND THE PEOPLE ARE HERE FOR THAT. #PresidentCuomo HAS BEEN TRENDING ON TWITTER, AND SOME PEOPLE ARE TAKING THIS A LITTLE FURTHER, LIKE THE AUTHOR OF THIS OPINION TITLED "HELP, I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH ANDREW CUOMO." ALRIGHT. THESE FEELINGS ARE PERFECTLY NATURAL. MANY AMERICANS EXPERIENCE MOMENTS WHEN BEING AT LEAST CURIOUS IF NOT TOTALLY CUOMO-SEXUAL. THE OBSESSION WITH GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS RECENTLY GONE TO A REALLY STRANGE PLACE BECAUSE, AND I'M SURPRISED THAT THIS IS AN ACTUAL HEADLINE, PEOPLE ASK, "PERFORATED OR NOT?" THE MYSTERY ABOUT NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO'S NIPPLES.

AH-HAH! A CLASSIC NIPPLE MYSTERY! LIKE "MAN-TITS ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS!" OR "THE TALENTED MR. NIPPLEY!" I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKING IT UP. I wish it were. BUT Internet Detectives are examining this image of Cuomo that appears to show an outline of something that may or may not be a nipple bar. WOW. IF THAT'S TRUE, THE CUOMO FAMILY ARE SO GYM RATS THAT THEIR NIPPLES EVEN POSE UP. "ARE YOUR NIPPLES LIFT, BROTHER?" MY NIPPLE CAN RUN. NOW, HONESTLY, WHO CARES WHAT'S REALLY UNDER THAT POLE? HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB. HELL, SOME OF OUR GREATEST LEADERS HAVE BEEN ON BODY MODIFICATION.

ALL SCHOOL CHILDREN LEARN ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN TONGUE BOLT. LUCKY MARTA. OH, Hey, remember those masks they told us not to wear, because they didn't work and we shouldn't bother? WELL, APPARENTLY, "THE C.D.C. IS THINKING ABOUT ADVISING AND THEIR INITIAL DIRECTIVE IS NOW "BEING CRITICALLY REVIEWED." YES, NOT WEARING MASKS IS BEING "CRITICALLY REVIEWED." CRITICALLY REVIEWED IS LIKE WHEN "AVATAR" WAS THIS BIG HIT, THEN, A FEW YEARS LATER, WE ALL SAID, “WAIT, DID I REALLY ENJOY THAT? I SAW IT THREE TIMES, BUT THE BLUE PEOPLE TALK TO THE HORSES OF THE SKY PLUGGING THEIR HAIRS AND THEN SIGOURNEY WEAVER HAS A SPACE ORGY WITH A TREE?" THAT'S ALL I CAN REMEMBER.

UNOEBTANIUM! THAT'S ALL. BUT I STILL DIDN'T REMEMBER, I WANT CIVILIANS TO HAVE THE MASKS THAT HOSPITAL WORKERS NEED. THAT'S WHY, IN HIS BRIEFING YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP OFFERED A WIDE AND VARIED RANGE OF IDEAS FOR ALTERNATIVES TO MASKS THEY CAN WEAR A SCARF.. .ALL... A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SCARVES AND YOU CAN WEAR A SCARF WOULD BE VERY GOOD, AND SCARVES ARE VERY GOOD. TWO HOURS? Long press meetings? Two of them? I don't know, but I do know that a scarf MAY NOT PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING THE VIRUS, BUT IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE ONE WHO DON'T KNOW THAT.

YOU GOT IT, A SCARF WILL REDUCE THE CHANCES OF TRANSMITTING IT, WHICH IS REALLY IMPORTANT. IN FACT, ANYTHING THAT COVERS YOUR COUGH OR YOUR BREATH AND ALSO HELP YOU TOUCH YOUR FACE IS A GOOD IDEA. IT MAY NOT BE A SURGICAL MASK, BUT ANY MASK IS A GOOD IDEA. IF YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL, DO NOT BE ALARMED AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU ARE TREATED BY DOCTOR STEAMPUNK RHINOCEROS. SO PEOPLE EVERYWHERE HAVE BEEN IMPROVISING MASKS WITH ANYTHING THEY HAVE, LIKE THIS ITALIAN MAN DEMONSTRATING HOW TO USE A FEMALE HYGIENE TOWEL: Stephen: THAT'S VERY EFFECTIVE, ESPECIALLY IF ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE CORONAVIRUS IS A LEAK OF CRYSTAL BLUE LIQUID.

AND IT'S NOT JUST FEMALE PURCHASES. THIS GUY MADE A MASK BY CUTTING A WOMAN'S BRA OFF. HIS WIFE WAS ANGRY...NOT BECAUSE HE CUT IT OFF, BUT BECAUSE HE PUT IT IN THE DRYER. I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NOT DO. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND EITHER. ANOTHER MAN WORE WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR. WHEN HE WAS CONGRATULATION ON HIS CORONAVIRUS PANTY MASK, THE MAN SAID, "WHAT IS THE CORONAVIRUS?" THEREFORE, APPARENTLY, WOMEN'S INTIMATE PRODUCTS ARE A GOOD SAFEGUARD AGAINST COVID-19. THAT'S WHY I GOT AN IUD. ON MY NOSE THIS MORNING. At my age, I don't know if my sinuses are still fertile, but it's good to play it safe.

TONIGHT WE HAVE A SHOW FOR YOU. WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL HAVE A NICE AND DEEP CONVERSATION WITH RYAN REYNOLDS IN HIS NATIVE CANADIAN.