State of the Union Cold Open - SNL

YOU ARE WATCHING CNN. GOOD AFTERNOON. I'm Abby Philip. IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS FINISHED DELIVERING HIS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. BIDEN NEEDED TO SHOW ENERGY TONIGHT AND HE DID NOT DISAPPOINT. AFTER A BRIEF 45 MINUTES OF SELFIES ON THE WAY TO THE PODIUM, BIDEN BEGAN HIS SPEECH WITH A BANG. WE'LL SEE. EVERYTHING WELL. THANKS THANKS. ALRIGHT. I just hit a centigrade. LET'S DO IT. WHO! WHO! WHO! ALRIGHT. WELL. MISTER. SPEAKER, TOO SLOW. COME ON. OKAY EVERYONE. FRIENDS, TONIGHT I'M GOING TO COVER A LOT. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF APPLAUSE. So Kamala, I hope you didn't skip leg day, girl.

You're going to be up and down all night. YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! WHO! WHO! COME ON! NOW TONIGHT, I'M ALSO GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY PREDECESSOR, MAINLY BECAUSE EVERY TIME I SAY PREDECESSOR, MIKE JOHNSON SHOCKS HIS HEAD LIKE HE JUST ACCIDENTALLY CUT 30 SECONDS OFF THE SHOW EUPHORIA. LOOK AT THAT WEIRD. I REALLY TRIED TO FIX THE BORDER CRISIS, BUT THE LAW WAS THROWN DOWN BY MY PREDECESSOR. OH, OH, OH, DON'T YOU LIKE THAT? OH YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? DOES ANYONE WANT TO TELL ME SOMETHING? I DO IT. BOO! LIAR. DAMN. WOW! MARGERY, yes, thank you for dressing up tonight.

You know, she would stay here and talk to you more, but I got a glimpse of the Republican senator's response to my speech, and I think she's going to help me more than anything else she can say here. ENJOY. ALL IN ALL, A STRONG SPEECH FROM PRESIDENT BIDEN. BUT LET'S FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE AND TAKE A LOOK AT ALABAMA'S JUNIOR SENATOR KATIE BRITT'S REPUBLICAN RESPONSE. GOOD AFTERNOON AMERICA. MY NAME IS KATIE BRITT. AND I HAVE THE HONOR TO SERVE THE GREAT PEOPLE OF ALABAMA. BUT TONIGHT I WILL BE auditioning for the role of scared mom. AND I WILL BE PERFORMING AN ORIGINAL MONOLOGUE CALLED THIS COUNTRY IS HELL.

YOU SEE, I'M NOT JUST A SENATOR, I'M A WIFE, A MOTHER AND THE CRAZIEST BITCH IN THE TARGET PARKING LOT. I WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE INVITED YOU TO THIS STRANGE AND EMPTY KITCHEN. BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS WANTED ME TO CALL WOMEN VOTERS, AND WOMEN LOVE COOKING. BUT SERIOUSLY, MY HUSBAND WESLEY AND I JUST WATCHED PRESIDENT BIDEN'S SPEECH, AND WHAT I SAW WAS THE PERFORMANCE OF A PERMANENT POLITICIAN. BUT I AM NOT ACTING. I AM NOT. I AM NOT. BUT FIRST AND MAIN, I AM A MOM. AND LIKE ANY MOM, I'M GOING TO PIVOT OUT OF NOWHERE TO A SHOCKINGLY VIOLENT STORY ABOUT SEX TRAFFICKING.

AND REST ASSURED, EVERY DETAIL IS REAL, EXCEPT THE YEAR, WHERE IT TOOK PLACE AND WHO WAS PRESIDENT WHEN IT HAPPENED. AND TONIGHT I WILL NOT ONLY RESPOND TO THE STATE OF THE UNION. I ALSO SELL THESE BEAUTIFUL FAST LASSES CROSSED WITH JEWELRY FOR QVC. THIS AFINTY DIAMOND NECKLACE GOES WITH ANYTHING, AND YOU CAN WEAR IT FROM CHURCH TO THE CLUB. AND NOW I'M GOING TO GET REALLY SEDUCTIVE FOR NO APPARENT REASON. AS I SAID, THE AMERICAN DREAM HAS BECOME A NIGHTMARE. OH MY. You know, my husband Wesley and I spend a lot of time in this kitchen worrying.

KITCHENS ARE WHERE FAMILIES HAVE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS. LIKE THE ONE WE'LL HAVE TOMORROW ABOUT HOW MOM HOSTED THE WHOLE COUNTRY. BUT YOU, BIDEN IS THE ONE WHO IS DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY. ASK YOURSELF: ARE YOU BETTER TODAY THAN FOUR YEARS AGO? IN THE GOOD TIMES OF 2020, THE YEAR IN WHICH NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. ♪ AND IT COULD BE LIKE THIS AGAIN ♪ OH GOD, I THINK I CAN SING. THAT'S SO COOL. BUT OUR COUNTRY IS NOT. THIS IS LIKE I TELL MY CHILDREN EVERY NIGHT. WE ARE IMPRESSED IN THE BLOOD OF THE PATRIOTS IN A CASTLE MADE OF BONES. GOOD NIGHT KIDS.

AND SPEAKING OF TEA, MY TEA IS READY. BUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO ARE FIGHTING RIGHT NOW, KNOW THIS. WE HEAR YOU. WE SEE YOU. WE SMELL YOU. WE'RE INSIDE YOUR KITCHEN RIGHT NOW LOOKING THROUGH YOUR REFRIGERATOR. AND WHAT IS THAT ON THE TOP SHELF? MIGRANTS. I THINK THE ANALOGY WAS WELL. IN CONCLUSION, TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I'LL JUST SAY THIS, MR. BIDEN, THIS IS NOT THE LAST TIME YOU WILL SEE KATIE BRITT. MAYBE NOT IN POLITICS, BUT WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, I'LL BE THERE. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!