Detectives - SNL

ALL GOOD. GOOD MORNING TEAM. IT'S MONDAY. YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. IT'S TIME TO TOUCH THE BASE OF OUR RECORDS OF SOLVED CASES. FIRST, WE HAVE TWO NEW INTERNS HERE FOR COLLEGE CREDIT. EVERYONE, WELCOME TO OLIVIA AND KAIA. GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF? HELLO. GOOD. ALRIGHT. FIRST, WE HAVE CASE FILE 442. OH, LOOK AT THAT. BEAUTIFUL BODY OF NAKED WOMAN FOUND IN THE LAKE. YES. THAT'S HOW IT IS. WE SUSPECTED IT WAS THE HUSBAND AND THE REASON WAS AN ISSUE. BUT I STILL DON'T HAVE EVIDENCE TO EXPOSE HIM. Our last clue was a plane ticket we found in his trash, but the trail has gone cold.

I FOUND IT. WHAT IS THAT? IT'S IN DELTONA. WHAT? HOW DID YOU FIND? INSTAGRAM, OF COURSE. YES. IT WAS EASY. I BLOCKED MY TROLL ACCOUNT AND SAW WE HAD A MUTUAL ONE, SO I CHECKED HIS IG AND HE'S LITERALLY ON THE NET. THE RECEIPTS ARE ALL THERE. WELL, THAT'S VERY GOOD. HOW DID YOU DO THAT? WE ARE 22 YEAR OLD GIRLS IN SITUATIONS. WE CAN FIND OUT ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE WITH LITERALLY NO INFORMATION. MY SCREEN TIME IS 23 HOURS A DAY, AND THE OTHER HOUR, I'M SHOPPING FROM BRANDI MELVILLE. VERY GOOD THEN. FRESH, FRESH, FRESH. CASE CLOSED. I guess we can move on to file 729.

LOOK AT THAT, ANOTHER PRETTY NAKED WOMAN. THIS TIME IN THE FOREST. THAT'S RIGHT, BOSS. WE SUSPECT IT WAS HIS HIKING PARTNER TONY. She claims that she was having lunch with her mother at the time, but I bet that's nonsense. HOW OLD ARE YOU? HE'S 40. SO FACEBOOK. TONY IS IN LAM BUT ACCORDING TO HIS CELL PHONE DATA, WE CAN LOCATE HIM IN HIM, ARIZONA AND RHODE ISLAND. I FOUND IT. HERE. WE WILL SHOW IT TO YOU. HIS FACEBOOK IS PRIVATE, BUT HIS MOM'S IS VERY PUBLIC. SHE PUBLISHES WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A JOURNAL ENTRY EVERY DAY.

ON TUESDAY I WROTE LUNCH WITH MY BEAUTIFUL SON, I BROKE THE FAJITAS, I LOVE MY SON. WOW! WE ARE REALLY BLOWING THROUGH THESE. ALRIGHT. CASE NUMBER 904. ALL GOOD. MAN, ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL LADY FOUND DEAD INSIDE THE SHOPPING CENTER. STOP CALLING THEM BEAUTIFUL. SORRY. Caked? Anyway, we think it might be related to a robbery at Aunt Annie's house. THAT'S CORRECT. I FOUND THE MANAGER'S DIGITS SO I SENT HIM A TEXT, BUT IT WAS NOT VERY BUSSEN, CAP? YOU SHOULD NOT TALK LIKE THEM. I UNDERSTAND IT. I FOUND THEM. So I did a search, and then I got bored and ordered a t-shirt at DEPOP, and then Dominos was like, I miss you, and I was like, okay, I'll get a pizza.

AND THEN ON TUMBLER, I FOUND YOUR TWITTER - SORRY, X - AND THEN I TOOK A BUZZ FEED QUIZ. I TOOK THE SAME BUZZ FEED EXAM. WHY DID YOU GET ANDY COHEN? EVEN IF I'M NOT STRIPPING. I LIKE A LITTLE LITTLE FRUIT IN MY SALAD. THEN I SAW HIS SNAP CHAT STORY AND IT WAS JUST HIM WITH A BUNCH OF SOFT PRETZELS AND CASH. AND YES, I HAVE SCREENSHOTS, SO YES. WELL, I THOUGHT YOU COULD NOT TAKE SCREENSHOTS IN SNAP CHAT, THE POINT IS THAT YOU CAN SEND ANYTHING. NO. YOU CAN DEFINITELY TAKE SCREENSHOTS. I HAVE TO GO.

WELL, WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO HAVE A MEETING FOR THAT TOMORROW. ANYWAY, ON TO THE NEXT CASE. PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. OH MY GOD. WATCH THIS. A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN FULLY DRESSED. MY HUSBAND, I THOUGHT HE WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP AND HE HASN'T COME HOME IN SIX WEEKS. I FOUND IT. GIRL, HE'S IN LOVE HE'S BLIND. HOW DOES THIS STILL HAPPEN TO ME? EVERYTHING WELL. WELL, OLIVIA AND KAIA JUST FINISHED ALL THE WORK WE HAD PLANNED FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS, SO YOU WANT TO PLAY ONE. ARE THESE YOUR ONLY FANS? ARE THESE YOUR ONLY FANS?

NO, IT IS NOT. I HAVE TO GO.