Stand-Up Challenge (Series 15) Featuring James Acaster & Ed Gamble | Jokes On Us

"Let's spin the wheel. The first topic is the movies that want to come to the United States. Nish, I'm a big movie fan and I'm very excited that there is a new James Bond. Now my personal choice would be Idris Elber, I think he". He would make an amazing James Bond, but some people are very unhappy. I was reading an article about this and the first comment under the article began with the words "This is not a race issue," which immediately makes you think that it is definitely a race issue. This is not a race issue.

The thing is, James Bond is not black. Now I have terrible news for this person. James Bond is not real. He is not a real person. It doesn't exist if you're talking about Fidelity to Ian Fleming's original character. Daniel Craig has a smartphone and a laptop and in one of the Pierce Brosen movies he drove an invisible car, so it might be a bit like if you suddenly got sticky with Cannon and the second comment started with the words this is the politically correct gone crazy, this is the ethnic minority. The lobby has its way again and hey, we all know that if the ethnic minority lobby has been campaigning for anything, it's a black James B, people have taken to the streets, we want a black James Bond, not now we care about police brutality. we care about is7 # black bonds matter we will settle for a mexican maybe and who can forget the immortal words of Dr.

Martin Luther King. I have a dream that one day a black man will play a fake spy. Thank you very much, okay, the leaders. Gary, let's see what you have left, let's spin the wheel, okay, the issue is work. I almost lost my job as a roofer when I got caught masturbating on my first day. Luckily, my boss said he could clean the whiteboard. He used to work. One day in Waterstones a guy came to ask if we had any audiobooks with subtitles. I thought, wait, that's a book. The circus near me held a contest to find the best contortionist.

So I signed up and earned at my old job. pressing buttons all day and that's why I'm not allowed to work in panto. I have two lawyers working for me at the moment, one is pro bono and the other thinks it's very pretentious when my grandfather was caught trying to hide on the Merchant Marine, he offered to work on his ticket, which, as you can imagine , made it very popular. I hate people who call me just to complain about the weather, that's why I lost my job at Mountain Rescue. The other day I was at a station that had a piano on the platform, so I did a little jingle, which saved me P30.

I took a course in positive thinking. I bought an Advent calendar from Microsoft. If you open too many windows at once, they all close again for no damn reason, thanks. Well done, very well scoring points for both of us. Well done. Come on, sit down. The first issue is getting out. Rob. I like to go out and get drunk. It's fun. I got so drunk the other week that I had more of a hangover. I was once in the morning, bought McDonald's breakfast and ate it in line at Gregs and I still don't know if I'm ashamed or proud, so I don't like tequila, even though I don't like drinking, it bothers me.

With tequila, it's too much of an administrator and that's how I lick a little salt like a lemon. What are you doing to make it taste better? They are not fishing chips, it is so that no one seems to be enjoying it, everyone seems to panic. Don't you like it? Uh oh, thank goodness for salt and lemon. They love. Know? Make better tequila. Make a tequila and then eat cabbage. Egg cream. That would be good. Would it take the taste out of your mouth? The thing is also, even though it's like I can't under

stand

it properly, you know, move on.

I'm a little older. I'm not too old to get drunk, but when I was 18, you don't care. you can be mistreated, just move on because hangovers say hangovers get worse, they don't, you just have more to do when you're older, that's the problem when I was 18 and going out at night. It's something, I mean, do you want some drugs? I mean, I don't know how it affects me, what my mom thinks, oh my God, drugs now, if I go out at night, so, do you want some drugs? I can't buddy, I have to paint a fence tomorrow I don't paint a fence, all sad, all hot and sweaty and vulnerable, oh I really wanted to paint this fence last night, I told everyone.

I'm so hot, sweaty and sad. You are more likely to keep the drugs. Do them in the morning before the fence breaks it like this. I'll do the roof. If I do the roof, let's do the roof. We don't have a staircase. I'm flying mom, thank you very much. Okay, that's up to James, let's see what topic you have left. Let us spin the wheel and eat and drink. I'm not like Rob. I don't like going out and getting drunk. I like to stay at home. I drink alone and in a refrigerator. man, I lock the door, I drink a glass of punch, it's that weird, I drink punch alone, it's that weird, I drink, I drink it from a big scoop of punch with a ladle in the corner of my room, it's That's weird, I don't know, I don't know what other people do.

People were worried that the blow would take a hit. I didn't solve the solo hit problem for me unless it's a fun Thursday. I tried hanging out with some friends recently. We arrived at the city. I'm a joker when I'm around. I was out with my friends one of them left me alone with his pint while I went to the bathroom big mistake it's a classic joke I always do this and someone leaves me alone with his pint I walked around the bar using his pint to propose toast with deliberately proposing toast to things that I knew I didn't agree with, it comes back in a gulp, uh, what did you do with that?

I'm like you just drank for the service charge to be included in the bill, you just drank for those bedside lamps and you don't have the switch on. The cord is convenient, but you have it on the neck of the lamp under the bulb, it's like a bolt that you somehow have to slide and can't even reach, so you really have to stick your whole hand inside the shade. it hurts it's very uncomfortable you can't even see it you have to look at the top of the screen to see what you're doing and then you turn it on and it blinds you you just drank from those lamps you love those lamps thank you very much period come on very good thank you very much , the first topic is travel mathematics, I'll tell you what happens with trains, eh, it's the quiet car, okay, quiet, that's an adjective, it doesn't go far enough, quiet it is. an adjective should be called The Silent Coach if the Silent Co no one would have trouble under

stand

ing what the Silent Coach is right you can't speak for it you can't use your laptop the children can't travel in it you can' They don't eat chips and what More importantly, trained people would not be allowed to make announcements because the sword of people who have the mentality of traveling in a silent carriage, which is the correct mentality, are the type of people who check where the train is. before they get down to business for years we just haven't understood these things well you I'm not the weak audience you are exactly the kind of people who know what I'm talking about in Russia during the revolution right during during the Russian Revolution, the Russian army was able to travel to all of their battles by train during a revolution, they could still rely on public transportation.

Imagine if we had a revolution now where the military had to rely on transportation, we'd be screwed. Certainly those of us who wanted the Army to win an absolute nightmare, wouldn't it? Master Mo 2016 began. You know, the British army was 7 hours late to every conflict. Oh sorry, there were leaves on the line at Stevenage. It was a passenger action in the crew that would be joined by the SAS, but they were stuck on a rail replacement bus service in less than you, very good, now leave Milton, let's see what topic you left, let it spin the wheel and some music.

I don't know much about Galileo. He was a poor boy from a poor family. I live in a grade two listed building, which of course means that everyone there has to be pretty good at the piano. Apparently every Chinese child who learns to play the piano knows something. melody called knife and fork I would like to take the band Abba to lunch and if I could I would go with my friend Fernando when I was at school and it was raining we had to stay home to play wet and when it was cold I used to have to stay home home and listen to this really boring band ad79 Julia Caesar gets the first weather forecast ha Caesar thank you very much points, let's go to B Jones, let's go and the first topic is jobs that want to come with us ree uh I I have a job, yeah, I'm not going to quit and my job is this, what still counts, dad, and this is a good job, it's not perfect, it's not the best job in the world.

I would never say that some people think it is. no good, best job in the world Community Support Officer no power, no responsibility comes with it, best job ever but nothing is expected of you if you are a Community Support Officer. If you don't write down someone's details then you are beyond your competence, that's 100% just vigilant administrator, that's all, you're a professional lawn, that's your job. I received a publication sheet a few weeks ago advertising that job. It said: do you have what it takes to be the best? Faced with danger when no one else will, then you should become a Community Support Officer in the law enforcement hierarchy in this country.

The army police, the British transport police, the ticket inspector, the traffic warden, the park ranger, the dinner lady, a boy in Nik trainers, a boy in Adidas. trainers Community Support Officer kid wearing Umbro okay that leads with Gary let's see what you have left let's spin the wheel again the topic is technology okay where are you going the young couple next door recently made a sex tape I want I mean, obviously they still don't know it, the hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake. The guy next to me at work used to watch porn all day.

I'm glad he didn't infect me. I think if I tried revenge porn I would just post naked pictures of myself online to let everyone know how low my ex's standards were when answering the safety question birthplace apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer it's been a rough week. I bought a memory mattress and now he is trying to blackmail me. I currently have a stalker, but you probably wouldn't notice in these pants. A friend of mine was killed by the great sea. He was walking alongside priests and a sign fell. His head was watching TV and the announcer said there is a documentary about the clitoris on the red button but I couldn't find it, thank you.

Another very good point for a GU lady. Come back, the first thing is to heal whoever you want. Go ahead, John. The other day I went to get the results of some tests from my family doctor and she sat me down and said: I'm very sorry to tell you, Mr. Robbins, but you have gout. She was absolutely stunned and said he seems surprised. Hearing that you have gout, I said yes, I am because I'm not from the 17th century. She said the first thing to avoid, Mr. Robbins, is alcohol. Now he is a ripper because what do you replace alcohol with?

I'm not an idiot. Monger doesn't even travel on the Chinese highway, I mean, I don't do drugs, I think mainly because I don't have the vocabulary to supervise a transaction, so she says the second thing to avoid, Mr. Robbins, is cheese, and I said. loudly to a respectable GP in his 60s, what a friend, then he gets a serious expression on his face and says the third thing to avoid, Mr Robbins, and this is very important, it's terrible. Well, I'll tell you what would happen if you did. I'm not even close to spitting that pig's ear clean out of my mouth.

It turns out that gout is actually a very serious condition and after much soul searching I have decided to eliminate gout completely from my diet. I'm not going to force you. Imagine what it's like, that's my cross and I'll carry it and I'll tell you how I carry it, pissed off and covered in cheese. Well done. Thank you very much. He's leaving us with James. Let's see what you have left. Let's turn the wheel. The topic is moving house. Ah, uh. I moved house recently luckily that's good that's a lucky touch and boy for a second there and that came up and I was like cing jackpot.

I didn't move house recently. It's not drafty for me like in my new house, I had to order a weather stripping by mail. The best way to purchase weather stripping is by mail order. CU when they deliver it, they send it out the door, it falls through the mailbox and falls to the ground. You're already paying yours. postage moved to west london i used to live in south west london at different times i was a different person uh i used to be in a gang big time in a gang sw6 gang is our name it's the london area where our name is from and it's what we yell at other gangs that we didn't like very much, like if you saw the SW5 gang, for example, we yelled at them6, that's smart.

I remember one time in the day we were out and the SW6 team said no and we looked across the street and saw them. sw5 gang and as soon as i saw them i got angry i yelled at them S sw6 according and they yelled at us like w5, which we expected, but it still made us angry there six back with them there five back with us back and forth and so on for a long time until finally I got so worked up that I screamed my entire zip code and that's why I had to move away home, on the point there for James AC, the first topic is politics, who will enter politics, louiso, so you?

Everyone is worried about their prime ministers and that sort of thing. I would say calm down because I am from South Africa and the guy who is now the head of state faced 763 charges before he became president, that is a lot. of crime, you have to break the law every day for two years because you are, I mean, we had a great president in our first democratically elected president, uh, President Nelson Mandela and I had the opportunity to meet Nelson Mandel, he He came up to me I was a young boy, I think I was about 12 and stuff and he came up to me and said H H young man, would you?

I like it to tell you a joke I said yes ahead is your country uh knock knock I said who's there who else talks like that thank you very much for the you who left us with Milton let's see what happened to you let's turn the wheel and his work, Milton Have you noticed that if you Google the phrase lost medieval servant, it says this page cannot be found? Some of you will do it tomorrow. I think if I was opening an o Express, I would open it. next to Vision Express, so we got some of their customers by mistake.

I think if I had unlimited money I would hire two private investigators and have them follow each other. Does that ever happen to you where you think someone is probably wearing a wig? and you think this I'm sorry, your honor, I'm a bit of a lazy writer according to my children, querty and F12, being a physical education teacher, that's easy, isn't it brilliant? I teach to run, to run, I teach to swim, to swim and to a tiny tiny. a little geography, J Jones, come back you two and the topic is AI technology. I think our generation was a bit crossover when it came to modern technology, so for example I had access to computers when I was a teenager. at my school, but not video games per se, so the video games I played as a teenager were the ones that came free with computers, let me tell you what a middle-aged rock and roll existence it was those long afternoons spent alone.

Playing street sweeper, playing pinball, and trying to scroll to the bottom of Microsoft Excel isn't strictly a video game, but when you feel alone enough it still feels like an accomplishment and I'm proud to be here now and brag in front of all of you that I have completed Excel and live to tell the story. I have gone where few mortals dare to tread until the end, until the end, writing my name in the bottom right cell of Excel. I won't tell you what that is. The cell phone is called because it would leave you speechless.

I had a happy time just floating over control P. Just imagining the Carnage. Did I have the balls? The pure granite testicles to print everything Excel in the school paper supply. In the end I didn't do it. but the thought experiment was enough and in my last here we got a games console, our first group video game, Mario Kart, if you're not familiar with it, it's the best video game of all time since I tried sex, I still prefer Mario Kart Mario. Kart is reactively encouraged to finish first and if you do there's no shame, okay, that brings us to Ed, let's see what you have left, let's spin the wheel and the topic is relationships, where are you going.

I'm in a serious relationship, that's what she does. I say seriously, I'm in a serious relationship. This is my partner. It sounds like you're in a law firm. This is what sounds like a serious relationship. It sounds like an illness. How is your relationship? I'm sorry to say I'm serious I'm not in a serious relationship I'm in a silly relationship tell me if you think this sounds like a serious relationship the other day my girlfriend and I were having an argument about the Beatles at some point during that argument she forgot the George Harrison's name now she previously She knew George Harrison's name, but her brain did something to her that all our brains do to us from time to time, it just erased a fact for no reason and you panic when that happens, you think : I'm going crazy?

I'm going crazy? Keep going. A spiral of panic and worry and I could see that she was worried and any good boyfriend in that situation would have told her George Harrison's name and I'm a good boyfriend but I'm a better comedian so what I chose to do in that situation was write I wrote down every assumption he made about George Harrison's name. I have memorized them and now I am going to recite them to you, the good people of the drill of the week. Here we go, guess number one, Sean Paul, Ringo John, there's you who you thought could.

There have been two John's in the Beatles Maybe The Beatles were a double John band and if we remembered them in that order we wouldn't go John Paul Ringo John we wouldn't close it with John's it would be John John Paul Ringo Paul Ringo John John or Paul Ringo and the Johns, she knew that was wrong immediately. I confronted him. I guess number two, John Paul Ringo Joseph, hey Joseph, what are you doing there? I didn't realize the Beatles were a Christmas-themed band, Three Guys. 60s, ha, a boy with a tea strapped to his head again, she knew it was wrong, I was already on the floor, so her brain gave him a little free pass, gave him a clue, gave him the last name, thanks brain, John Paul Ringo, Tony Harrison, oh.

Tony, you are not part of this conversation, please leave the vicinity immediately. I said you're half right, you're half right. I promise you her next guess was Harrison Ford. Thank you very much bra, there you have it. God, the end of that. around the points that are going to jump, the first is the stages of life, who wants to enter. I have a very young child and one of the things I have noticed about parenting is that he is turning me into a DAT since I started. do this thing that, when I'm excited, I've only ever seen it, usually, well, working class dads do it when they're excited and I call it clapping and rubbing, okay, so if my mom, for example, said , uh oh, I can't be bothered to cook tonight, why don't we have fish and chips?

My dad, because he'll turn you on, he'll go eat fish and chips, fish and chips, and I've started doing that now, but when I do it. I wonder what the hell is going on, why I'm clapping and rubbing my hands, but clapping and rubbing is an amazing thing because it's so versatile that you can use it to show enthusiasm for anything, so you're like, uh oh, I'm going out for a drink. with my friend Dennis oh the investigation found me not guilty another thing with having a baby is that I think it gave me a midlife crisis one of the first things I did when she was born was I joined a boxing club like a steakhouse and proper sawdust South London Boxing Club I don't want anyone to be scared at home, uh, because I'm not a tough block because, uh, my level of boxing consists almost exclusively of jumping, um, I'm absolutely amazing at jumping now, but I don't know how this is going to help me in a one on one combat situation.

I'll be walking up to Mary very late at night a block like, oh, give me your phone in your wallet. I'll ask him: what are you raiding? I, yes, I'm mugging you, yes, you mugging me, yes, yes, yes, yes, well, try it, thanks, okay, that leaves us with Gary, let's see what you have left, let's spin the wheel and the topic is the relationships the other day. one woman described me as a bit attractive, well Voyer was the actual word she used. She used to date a skydiver with irritable bowel syndrome, but I screwed up with a big hello one time, almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend. friend and the only thing that stopped it from happening was that they didn't invite me.

My girlfriend said that she wanted to try some new condoms with something special inside them to increase her pleasure. I said, oh, what is that? She said other men, our fourth child was called Ivy and That's because we ran out of names and started using Roman numerals. My last girlfriend always tried to put me down, which is just one of the dangers of dating a vet. I tried reading a book on premature ejaculation but couldn't get through it. In the opening passage this Christmas, I'm taking the whole family on a tour of the land, which is great because normally those clubs don't let kids in.

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time, she will just scream and run away. My girlfriend and I love looking at boxes. We got three episodes of Oranges the New Black before we discovered it wasn't about what would happen if Trump replaced Obama. Point coming and the first topic is Health Bed Camp, so on to the last three. years I've lost six kilos of weight applause uh not too late a lot of the audience likes to applaud they like to cheer you guys just stared and that's absolutely fine that's fine, that's fine, I think I could have done it I also made a mistake because now I'm not so happy.

I thought health would equal happiness. Turns out the happiest moments of my life were just me, sitting on the couch in my pants, laughing with a mouth full of cake. I am a more worried person. Now I think: Am I eating the right thing? Am I getting enough exercise? I went for a run the other day. I accidentally swallowed a fly. I had to Google how many calories are in a fly. Six per serving. If you're wondering, I feel like a fly right now. An undercover fat guy who has been secretly sent to the skinny lair to gather information on what those crazy villains are up to and then I give it to the fat guys, you have to give it back to them, we eat anything so I'm there.

What are these thin people doing? What's going on? Oh, interesting, that guy has a lunch pack but he's actually eating it at lunchtime. Well, I've never seen that before. He didn't just make it in the morning and then eat it on the bus. the way to work and then I bought fries at one that's intriguing resolution ah they're using phrases I've never heard before things that only thin people say I think I have some cookies. I will go and check who is living their life so they buy cookies and then forget they exist, that is unacceptable.

I'm so undercover that I've met skinny mafia bosses, people who don't even like food that much, you're like, oh no, I'm really not. a person who eats, you know, no, it's not, it's more of a fuel, doesn't it help me get through the day? If you don't like food, then what are you thinking about all the time? Thank you very much, Ed gam, for leaving us. Milton, let's see what you've been with, L. Let's turn the wheel. Buying is complicated. It's not like that when you're going to buy a toaster and in the end the clerk says, well, what's going on with the insurance and you don't want to, but you end up taking a hostage.

Recently, I bought the autobiography of Franchesco Cell the man who invented cellophane H but I couldn't find the beginning so you look if you want to confuse a girl the best thing you can do is buy her a pair of chocolate colored shoes so I took my bags and closed Tesco because they say They help you pack your bags, instead everyone was running around, I want some fruit and vegetables, I want some fruit and vegetables, I want some fruit. It turns out that I was one of those hypermarkets that Can I tell you more about myself?

I own a small zoo and a pirate ship, although not at the same time, I didn't buy Lego as much. I mean, we think pirates are all smileys, it turns out they're actually all Somali. Point and go too and the topic is home life, who wants to get into that? So my girlfriend went away for four weeks to Australia and in the run up to her departure she was very worried about how we would cope, I was less worried. About that, I'll be honest with you what she was thinking mainly in the lead up to my girlfriend leaving for Australia for 4 weeks.

Guys in the pub it's a pint. By the way, it turns out that they have moved, their girlfriends have not. Her children do not exist. My apartment has now become a blank cell of despair. Because I see him without my girlfriend for the first time, so my mind starts to fill with all the everyday things that lose their magic without her because that's what I think love is a domestic thing the other day I was emptying the trash can and I I knew it was going to break because she doesn't buy heavy duty garbage bags because she doesn't listen to me and she is lifting the container and I can see that most of the residue remains there, while the bag itself is stretching, becoming lighter and lighter. until it's little more than a shadow and I think, well, that bag is going to split, but I can't.

Tell him because I've learned that I hear this loud crying, it's a sound I haven't heard my girlfriend make before because I'm not in the bedroom much and I thought well Binag Split doesn't have time to go and lighten the atmosphere with some

jokes

about why we are heavy BS John Robins okay that leaves us with jayes let's see what your topic is let's spin the wheel and the topic is Cinema where are you going talking about cinema Sarah Pasco is an idiot I love going to the cinema my favorite movie what I saw in the cinema was the classicby Eddie Redm The theory of everything I loved it should have been called look who's Hawking that's my review no one is perfect The worst part about going to the movies is that other people sit there easily King One of the idiots is behind me.

This really angry man attacked me at one point because he was eating a snack, get over it grandpa, I'll do whatever he wants in defending him. He was eating a big bag of fortune cookies, opening them, reading them. out loud it was disturbing it was disturbing ending of this movie the man behind me says uh it's two hours of my life I'm not going back I thought oh I have bad news for this guy every hour of your life now you'll never get it back they're gone forever time is not refundable death is the end and I know it because 5 minutes before I had put it in a fortune cookie johnin and the first topic is Health, I had a small health emergency last year. washing and I cut my hand I was washing and I pushed my hand into a glass the glass broke and cut my hand here and I had to go to the hospital and let me tell you this the NHS staff are amazing they really are kind to me they are very sweet, one of them calls me brave boy which is good because I was being one so I don't know what you're laughing at okay I'm the one with the badge before me anyway. that uh I did something that I probably regret doing.

I called nhs111 now. If you don't know what this service is, it's a service the government has brought in to replace NHS Direct, so if you have a non-life-threatening emergency you're supposed to dial 111. Their phones now I'm sure that these people are very kind, but in my experience, they have less skill than their numerical value compared to 999 because it was the blind leading the blind at one point, she said how is the blood and I said. red because she had no idea so she said: is there a lot of blood? I said yes because there was a lot of blood and she said is there enough to fill a cup?

I have no idea, I don't want to brag, I have a lot of different sizes of cups in my house too while this was happening I was just panicking. I wasn't decanting the blood in the hopes that it would return to my body later. Then she said whether the blood was flowing or oozing. I said I have. I have no idea what the difference is between those two things and she said, "Oh, there's a difference." I was like I wasn't getting into a semantic debate with you while blood was pouring out of my hand and you were just oozing out.

Thank you so much. Well that leaves us with Milton, let's see what you have left now, the issue is transportation, when I was at school my bike got wrecked, it was my fault, actually I just handed out leaflets that said bullying, let's break the cycle we have . “I’ve gone over this over and over,” my driving instructor said, pointing to the badger. Apparently there's actually a road in the north of England called Quality Street, there's only one person living on it and it's both Turkish and charmingly complicated, isn't it? You are both a moth and a ship captain in charge of a ship.

Above you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't. Toilets on trains are rubbish, aren't they especially the ones right in front? And the guy there gets so angry. the bo goar let's go