My journey to self love | Dr Andrea Pennington | TEDxPeterborough

Could you look in the mirror and say I

love

you? A few years ago I couldn't say those four words. It would have been very difficult. I didn't

love

my

self

and I didn't see what could be lovable in me. I have come a long way since then and now I will not only say those words, but I will also sing them for you. Today I will share a little bit of my healing

journey

from

self

-hatred to true self-love. It's the true story of how music saved my life and freed me from several diagnoses, including depression. I was born in Nevada and when I was three years old my parents divorced.

My mother then moved our family to Denver, Colorado, so she could finish medical school when she entered the private sector. In practice they passed me between school, the babysitter and my older sister, when it was on the weekends, I would beg my mother to go to the hospital with her, so while she did her rounds of patients, I would spend time in the gift shop and she was always very calm and well-behaved, mainly because at home my mother often repeated to the children, "You can see them, you can't hear them, just as they told her when she grew up.

Now the conversations on the phone with my father were mainly about how I was doing in school he came from the generation that believed that with an education you could get a good job, a pension and a secure future, so when he found out that I was performing in a music recital or a play of school drama, I often heard the tone of disapproval in his voice, he told me: I needed to focus on my grades. Successful musicians and actors are only one in a million. My dad grew up in Tennessee. It is one of the United States known for country music and many people travel there in search of fame, but very few people find it now.

My dad. In fact, he's an excellent guitarist and banjo player and excels at photography, so it's no surprise that music and the creative arts are natural passions for me, but I was always discouraged from pursuing them as a career because I'd seen too many people try and fail in So I worked very hard in school so that I could maintain my father's approval and be able to continue performing in the theater band and choir. It was through music and theater that I was able to move and release the emotions that were repressed within me. It was on stage that I was finally told that it was good to be seen and totally acceptable to speak and sing out loud, so when I got to college I performed in community theater, discovered video production and became the general manager of the our campus television station. as a pre-med student and that's when my father told me that I was a dilettante like him enter diagnosis number one dilettante a person who cultivates an area of ​​interest such as the arts without commitment or serious knowledge synonyms include do-it-yourselfer Non-professionals We, non-specialists, are quite negative, isn't it surprising how quickly we put a label on everything that is out of the ordinary instead of fostering individuality within each of us?

Once again, my father urged me to focus on my studies so I could be accepted into medical school and I felt the need to hide and downplay my true passions and interests. He didn't want to be seen as unserious, so from childhood to early adulthood I became a chameleon. I did everything I could to look safe and sound. behave in a serious and acceptable manner and over time I noticed this growing feeling of discomfort. I never felt comfortable with myself. I didn't feel good enough and I was terrified that someone would find out I wasn't smart enough and Unfortunately, I never got to enjoy the fruits of my hard work, getting all A's on a report card or a standing ovation didn't make me feel good. good about myself nor proud, in fact, my self-esteem never increased based on the things I did, but I still tried very hard to be perfect and I remember feeling intense shame every time that impulse of creative expression bubbled up inside me.

It wasn't a fun way to live and I was pretty sad and lonely when I got to medical school. I studied day and night. and for the first time I didn't have time for all the artsy stuff and that underlying sadness that turned into really dark moods, so I went to Student Health Services to get help and that's when I got diagnosis number two of depression. The doctor gave me three prescriptions, one for antidepressants and another for sessions with a therapist. Now the therapy sessions were really helpful. It felt good to finally confess how stressed and sad I was.

Antidepressants though just made me feel numb instead of moody. I felt flat but. The third prescription he gave me was the most effective and the most surprising when I applied to medical school. This same doctor interviewed me and I was surprised that she remembered that I play classical piano. She asked me how often you play the piano. Now I looked at her. Like I'm crazy, who has time to play music when you're surrounded by brainiacs who seem to know everything when I have to study constantly? She suggested I play the piano for 30 minutes a day and when I looked at her like her rocker was out of place, she told him.

He told this doctor 30 minutes a week. It seemed completely logical and totally acceptable to me to engage in an activity that gave me joy and expressing myself through music always felt good, but I denied myself that pleasure when at most my mind had I have been so programmed to deny closure and belittling me for my creativity that was really suffering a lot. I followed her advice and started playing the piano more and I am convinced that this is what helped me get out of medical school alive. Now I wish I could say that I graduated with complete self-acceptance, but no, when I got to my medical residency, I basically threw myself into the 100-hour work week with enthusiasm and also studied acupuncture and Chinese medicine and once again heard a critical voice telling me.

I said I needed to seriously focus on just one thing, but it wasn't my dad, apparently the people around me were confused by my integrative and holistic approach to well-being and my multiple interests. I heard things like, are you a doctor, an actor, a singer, an acupuncturist? The assumption was that it was out of focus, not really, but why do we have to be just one thing and why can't we celebrate all the parts of us? Have you ever felt a little bad because you have too many ideas or interests? Yes, thanks. Lots of things you want to explore.

Well, these people said. I thought I had DD welcome to diagnosis number three I once again felt the need to further repress my authentic self I became an aggressive go-getter intensely driven to build my credibility through advanced degrees licenses and certifications the joke in the family Aundrea has more degrees than a thermometer and all the shiny wealth I gained sparked no joy? Instead, I had these constant thoughts that I was never enough and that nothing really mattered and I woke up every day feeling totally empty. I was afraid to leave home and it was only a sense of obligation that motivated me to put on that happy face and join the daily routine.

I was a functional depressive, just three years into my professional career I had published my first book and appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show several times. and I regularly stood on stages smiling from ear to ear, but that smile did not reflect the true happiness inside. I felt miserable, but no one knew it because I hid it because of the price it had taken on me for driving myself so intensely and constantly seeking approval. path to feelings of self-loathing and exhaustion, and like a dark, heavy blanket, depression became a constant presence in my life, as oppressive and pressing as a tight coat soaked in rain and dripping with sticky black tar. , and this blanket of depression was an oversized hood that fell over my eyes blocking my vision, compressed my ears muffling the rich sounds of life and the music of my heart and, worst of all, allowed sad thoughts of hopelessness to enter. sank into my mind and then I hit rock bottom in 2005 I asked God to take my life now I wasn't suicidal I had no plans to harm myself but I didn't want the life I was living to continue while on holiday in the Mediterranean I was invited to sing at this glorious hotspot in San Tropez and as I was at the microphone singing my jazz soul tune I watched as a sea of ​​people moved and swayed and I felt free, I felt like they were welcoming me as I was and when I got to my hotel in con I woke up the next morning thinking about what had just happened there.

I experienced pure bliss and total flow and in two days I would have to return to that dark, depressing box of conformity and that's when I lost it. I cried out to God saying take it, take my body, my talents, my business, I don't know what I'm doing with it and as I cried, I shook, I threw myself on the bed and felt my body melt into the bed, there was an intensely bright light. and I felt drawn towards the light and as I left my body I thought that God was answering my prayer and that was when I saw several visions that completely changed my perspective on life.

First I saw a total life review where each and every decision I made. Whether conscious or not, it logically led me to that point of depression. I saw that when we come to earth it is up to us to decide who we will be and what we will become, not our parents, society or even religion, and when I understood that I have the power. I choose and my choices impact my experience and my feelings. That's when I was shown a vision of a beautiful and bright future that inspired me to say yes to life. I returned to my body and the depression disappeared.

I came away from that experience knowing that no matter the drama and trauma we endure or the Karma we accumulate at our core, we are pure, truly lovable, and deserve to be celebrated for our uniqueness, not crammed into a box of conformity, thanks to the awakening inspired by my musical epiphany that I could. surrender my ego and reconnect with the essence of my true self, where all my past programming was replaced and I left Kaan a changed woman. The last city I visited before returning was Barcelona, ​​where I once again got on stage to sing and is where I met this beautiful singer-songwriter called Maudie Chell, the Latin Queen of Soul, and we discovered that we live on less than 30 minutes difference in DC and we pinky swore we'd meet up when we got back.

Well, when I returned home, I began to dismantle the life I once knew and hated and began to design my diamond life as I call it now. I deepened my spiritual practice with yoga meditation and Qi Gong. I started singing and writing more music. I performed with Mari Chell and we got together to work on a The song I will sing today for you, reconnecting with music saved my life and allowed me to live as my authentic self. I was able to replace that heavy dark blanket of depression with a light layer of creativity. It also inspired me to launch a non-profit real self-love movement to freely share healing resources and self-love tools through books, documentaries, events, and of course through music as well. that before singing for you, you must know this.

I don't think you need to move to a foreign country. performing on stage or even having a mystical out-of-body experience to learn or remember that you are truly lovable and accepted just the way you are. My experience was quite a complicated adventure, but I now know that there is a gentler path to reviving the authentic self that is. about returning to your true home, so what about you? Have you been wearing that false mask of I'm fine, but deep down you feel that impulse, that roar that invites you to be real? Have you been placed in a box of diagnoses that are not quite suitable, is there a part of you that you have denied or disowned?

I invite you to reclaim those lost or hidden parts of yourself, reconnect with what makes your heart sing and does not have to become your career, but can be the catalyst for your rebirth gives you the courage to step forward and live as your authentic self and remember that you don't have to look like anyone else now. I'm not going to share my story today to shame or blame my parents, they loved me and did what they knew based on their upbringing, but my experience has inspired me to raise my daughter differently now many people ask me if I regret it of having become a doctor.

Don't know. This line of work really satisfies my left-brain nerdy love of science and is part of What makes me authentically me hasn't stopped me from launching a branded publishing and media company to satisfy my right-brain creative side. . Now we've been told that diagnoses like DD, depression, and anxiety are terrible brain diseases and I'm not. I do not deny that they are real conditions and I am in favor of effective treatments, but I believe that they can be symptoms of disconnection with the authentic self, losing connection with your true essence and taking away the power to choose through experiences of theearly childhood.

Part of why you feel so bad. I wasted so much time and energy trying to put a positive spin on the word dilettante, but I realize that it is an archaic and outdated term and it is much healthier for me to embrace my true nature as a renaissance human with multiple potentials. I believe we all need to embrace all that we are to be truly healthy, happy, whole and fulfilled. It is my deepest wish and my greatest wish that you too can look in the mirror and say I love you. Me, mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me what.

You see, I see brain death in the background staring back at me. What I see is not happening. No, what I see has flaws, but when I look deeply, aha, what I say fills me with everything in my soul. I have to apologize just to get it. know and now I realize that a million expectations I was trying to achieve now tired of avoiding confrontation