Feelings: Handle them before they handle you | Mandy Saligari | TEDxGuildford

thinking, "I don't know what to wear, I don't know what to say, I'm not interesting, and I walk into the room with all that on, I don't look at anyone else, I'm walking into the room like that, I'd probably pick up someone who's codependent, a caregiver." , and he'd say, "Do you want a drink? Are you okay?" And

they

're looking for someone like me to take care of, and we can be together, pretending to be together at a party, but really all we're doing is keeping each other from feeling vulnerable and isolated. Yes I know that I'm in my egocentric fear, if I know I'm in that space where there's a feeling, maybe an early childhood feeling that something is wrong with me, I can actually put my arm around myself and I can say, "You know, Mandy, I love you." I love you and I'll be with you and we can do this.

It's not just about you, there are a lot of people there, go and chat to someone. Just go and chat to someone; it's no big deal." And I manage to get out of that fear, suddenly, I am available to talk to you, I am available to live. So when we're treating addiction, sure, we have to get people sober from whatever their addictive pattern is, but then we have to get

them

out of the self-destructive behaviors so that when

they

look in the mirror they don't say, "Oh my God, I'm so wrinkled, it's disgusting." "No! That is a self-destructive thought.

I want you to look in the mirror and know your face; I want you to appreciate the lines of your face as if they were the map of your life. Wherever the pain is, wherever the carved and the shape, it is yours and when you look in the mirror you really appreciate that and make yourself the best friend you can because if you are a friend to yourself, you will not persistently do something to yourself, hurt yourself over and over again. 2006, I had rheumatoid arthritis and I was bedridden for almost a year, and I couldn't walk, I couldn't move, I couldn't use my hands, I couldn't do anything.

This friend of mine said, "Have you thought about working with the 12 program. What are the steps around this?" This is AA's 12-step fellowship program, which is fundamentally about "giving yourself to help." And I was furious! I was lying in this bed thinking, "You don't understand what it's like!" .But I was a captive audience and I thought, “Give up to help. Surrender to help." Oh, take the medication with gratitude; start looking outside of this little world of pain you lived in; and just start committing to every little step. And today, I truly feel like a complete miracle. from all the medication I have taken over the last ten years to treat this condition.

I am very grateful for the recovery I have had and for the opportunity to be able to say that I know that addiction is known as a chronic relapsing condition, but I am not. agree. I think one of the reasons it is a chronic recurring disease is because we are looking in the wrong place. We are looking at what people use and we are trying to control it. Now, if addiction is the delegation of my emotions. in another thing, if you take that away, I'll just go here until you stop looking, and I'll go back there again.

Unless you teach me to take care of myself. Simple things. tell yourself nice things. And if that's hard for you, take a photo of yourself when you're six or seven, put it in your bathroom, and start talking to him or her. Start talking to her. Literally. "Tomorrow." Hmm, I felt really weird. I want you to start creating a relationship with a part of you that might be feeling vulnerable and that really needs you by your side, and at the end of the day, write down what you're grateful for. Because there are people I have met in my life who would give the impossible to be here today.

It is such a precious gift, each of us as individuals, as long as we remember it and remain fully invested in curiosity, rather than offense, when we meet and interact with people. Thank you for this. (Applause)