Mock The Week's "Scenes We'd Like To See" Supercut (Series 1-6)

final round with a quick shot and named

scenes

we would like to see this is for everyone if you can make it to the performance area. I call out our ideas for scenarios we'd love to see and the artists come in with them. your suggestions well here we go things a new Pope should not say in his first public speech I have dreamed of this moment since I was a child what a view I would like to thank my wife I just wish Hitler could I have been alive to see this woman I am celibate get me out of here okay okay still in the Pope I can't think of a better way to spend the last six months of my life look at that nun's tits okay that cut the second dubbing are books that go straight to the rest in the trash can Paul gasps coins Sudoku Beckham's thesaurus Ron Atkinson's diet my fight by Paris Hilton join Leslie's pop-up autobiography Michael Jackson's touch and feel book Iraq's weapons of mass destruction a dossier the next topic is slogans that the toy party should have used in the election vote for us and we will hand over Thatcher are you thinking we are sinking their tradition and am I worth it? there is a muslim pedophile living under your son's bed if politicians endorsed products It's L'Oreal and I'm worth it.

Kids will love cutting out the blanket. Hi, I'm Peter Mandelson and when I needed a mortgage, I called the loan officer. If you were hurt in an accident and it wasn't your fault you fixed things here. the White House as his doctor Mr. Bush, I can assure you that you are healthy and fit. Did your cigar taste a little funny? So let me clarify: we are handing over management of the Star Wars missile protection program to Railtrack. Oh, that's a Mac of who's the president here. I'm you it's me no no no no no no no sir damn I love you too come on Tony keys in the bowl welcome President Schwarzenegger okay our next topic is scrapped titles for the next book by Harry Potter.

Harry Potter is imprisoned for wearing a hood. Harry Potter and the Wet Dream Captain Corelli's Mandolin Harry Potter and the Mudblood in a Nazi Uniform Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce Harry Potter does dallas ray dot muggle action on muggle Harry Potter and the child actors inevitable mental breakdown Harry Potter and the Abu Ghraib prisoner Harry Potter and the other two children who can't act right, let's move on to the next topic things you shouldn't say to the Queen when receiving your honor did you kill Diana? I ate great geese, where is that racist? anyway, oh, that reminds me to post that letter.

Could you sign it for me? I will earn a lot more on eBay. You have no idea how much this is going to give me bad ways to start a political party broadcast. Hello my fellow pedophiles, wait. I'll be with you in a minute too. No, football is on the other channel. I'm sorry to say it's mainly black people. Hello, I'm John Prescott. I guess now you're wondering why I only think about our politics. best expressed in song for the next three and a half hours, without looking, we all know we're not going to win death for the West, let me tell you what the voices in my head are telling me, okay, our next topic is things that you I've never heard a Frenchman say, of course, it seemed impossible, but we kept fighting.

I'd like a bottle of Burgundy at a dairy. Lee Duncan, your English. Pleased to meet you. Jean beaucoup, Monsieur Jeremy Clarkson. I just bought a wonderful little one. holiday home in south birmingham my favorite road well that has to be the a303 it's faster than the m4 and you can go if you go to the west country for me it's the 303 as long as it's a road a water, okay, our Next topic is what the voice in Tony Blair's head says: keep smiling. Did you kill Gordon? Sheree, can you close? That reminds me that I must publish a letter.

I like big butts and I can't lie. I wonder what John Prescott looks like in shorts. Don't you get a stiff, damn it, I got a stiff, keep lying, you got away with it last time, that's how it is. The Wimbledon commentator would never say 4037, well there's Sharapova and I'm sure, like me, you long to have those long, wet Russian legs wrapped around your face. Is it just me or are they just beating each other back and forth in all the British finals? Well there's a ball boy who needs the advantage to tame Widdecombe and when they get to the first one, it's very safe, all this grunting is honking at me in the women's game.

Why does the cutie always lose to the moose's target now that one must be a man? Next topic, please. Television shows that never aired. Hi, I'm Bill Oddie and this is Badger Cull. Experience a complicated financial fraud. She wrote. Terrorists. Look at the funniest. One thing is: Who wants to be a hatter? Please, camera formalities, let's see if you can guess who it is on Lloyd Grossman's via Celebrity Love Island. I know Christ, that really happens. Welcome to the first edition of I'm a Suicide Bomber. Put me in. You've been shot there, okay, the next topic is unlikely.

Lines for the Queen to include in our annual message. Some of my best friends are black chain, cashback or Kogi get it. The nation of Aston hunts my group in the Shire. We don't cost you 99. pH we don't cost you 79 feet I'll tell you whatever happens to me but since you have 61 pH and for that I will throw paint on Princess Michael, you can't say fairer than us the one they bring the queen you by power gem so there were these two nuns in the bar Charles you're going to have to take the crown from my cold dead hands I'm a murderer Bad things to say on the live stage It's a beautiful extension backstage, it's not absolute.

Let's not cancel the debt, let's consolidate it into one. I'm Michael Howard and this is my rap. The age of complaining Africans finding fair trade bananas appears and many people complain that there are no ethnic minorities at this concert, but not here. Is black and white minstrel show okay? The next topic is what the voices in Prince Charles' head are. They say Carlos. These are the plants. You have betrayed us again. We're going to kill your new wife. Yes I really am the father. Why this? it's stupid how much would it cost to blow up windsor castle tell us warren can't touch you that's why nazi uniform no that was funny what if she's your mother he just pressed the pillow over her face and turned to hundred fine when the next topic is something inappropriate thing to say about winning Wimbledon.

Blair, this is for Iraq, three games without smell, it's Palmolive, thank you very much, but actually I came here to talk to you about Jesus Nanda's loans. This is fantastic because it somehow makes up for my lost childhood, my dysfunctional family and the fact that I'm so stressed I haven't had my period in seven years to be honest, only one because I'm angry, I'm delighted with one and I left them all behind the drug rumors and I would just like to thank my husband. It's been everything, it's been incredible, apart from the crowd, which is a lot.

I wish they would stop trying to share what is essentially my triumph. I just got hit in the locker room by a wall, which was not supposed to be said on your first day in the army, you guys look great when you said it was going to be like in the movies. I didn't realize they were referring to Brokeback Mountain. This room is great where the rest of you sleep. I beg you to forgive me. Give me 20 please, you won't get anything. yelling this is only one

week

end a month, so will Teddy have his own bunk bed?

You play your cards well. Maybe you can stand outside one of the grandmothers' palaces. Some pockets to spend here. Possibly bad things for the England manager to be caught saying: can you? Just explain the offside rule to me again. The thing about Crouch is that he has a very light touch. Wayne Rooney may be ugly, but when he holds me in his arms I feel safe. I won't have to go out and do my best. the full 60 minutes I've just been part of the team that I think can win the World Cup is Brazil Sweden Sweden okay next topic is inadvisable for a Liberal Democrat leadership candidate to say hello I'm Charles Kennedy let me reassure you all.

The only skeletons I have in my closet are the skeletons of the two people who were murdered on a ski holiday more than 15 years ago. It's minutes. Sorry, I'm late. I had a hard time finding a vein as a Son of God. I tell you the best thing about being a liberal democrat. Oh, what's the point? Here we go. The first theme is the suspense lines of a political soap opera. I'm John F. Kennedy. I've been in the shower. Did I miss something? Hey, Condoleezza, I think I pressed the wrong button. Hey, the irony won't be lost on you, President Schwarzenegger, I'm from the future and I'm here to stop you from destroying the world.

Goods we've had, rentboys, what could be worse? What have you done? You fucked a goat addicted to heroin. I'm sorry I missed your vote on sustainable agriculture. I'm afraid he was busy sleeping with your wife. Are you trying to seduce me? Lady Thatcher says, what do you say? George just you and me and Brokeback Mountain are things George Galloway would never say. no comments stupid I'm very famous in the Muslim world for being an idiot Oh, enough about me, how was your day? Oh, thank you very much, sit down, would you like a receipt? Next topic please, words you would never hear from a newsreader, welcome to channel five news, because wait, you want to buy some speakers too disgusting to describe, but let's try anyway, the two young men convicted this morning They got what they deserved, okay, and they may have been acquitted, but you certainly looked like a pedophile.

To be honest, watching Sky News, I would double check everything you just heard. Sir Gary Glitter received the honor from him at the palace this morning. Welcome to ITV News on Ice. It is unlikely to contain any images that will cause you to honk in this next report. Adams is voiced by actor Samuel L. Jackson. I will tell you about the peace process. Bad things to say during Prime Minister's Question Time. Prime Minister. Could you look interested while I mention some boring things about my electorate? This is going to take a long time because I have a date with a rent boy halfway through.

Can I ask the Prime Minister? Is he paying too much for car insurance? We have one, we have two, we have two more criminals than I could. Could I ask the Prime Minister, when are you going to retire, you bastard? Prime Minister, my first time was in PE, but not in canoes, am I okay? The next topic is the worst person present in the US, okay, President Jimmy, he has the bangs, you are sure what he did, what he did. I'm Barry Scott and this is nonsense, this round is a lot easier if you can do impressions, calm down, it's a commercial topic, the next topic is unlikely to be heard at the Oscars and the award goes to Ross Kemp, the dress.

Oh Primark, unfortunately King Kong. I can't be with us tonight. Thank you. I wasn't even in that one. Thank you. This will be on eBay tomorrow morning. They said they couldn't do the Sally Gunnell story. I would like to thank the person who chose me as a character. blind, autistic, Parkinson's disease, mute for making this award almost inevitable for best film in a foreign language. Pride and prejudice, this out west like a gay cowboy. I think I know where I'm going to put this little guy. Unlikely things for a Winter Olympics commentator. give points to the danish team for exploding i love it when they make that speech and now the four words no ice dancer wants to hear free the polar bear of course bribery no longer exists in the olympic movement welcome to the Winter Games here in Basingstoke on Upturned Bobsleigh Provides a Fitting Coffin Have you ever looked at snow so long it turns to blood?

My God, the band must be sick of playing the British national anthem. Don't you want it here in an NHS hospital? Can? Go for a procedure so the surgeon can get his car keys back. There was a very funny misunderstanding during his vasectomy. Mr. Yes, yes, I think they tried to give me a credit card. The face transplants went well. I think you look better as a black man. I've come to take a blood sample from you. Now you're sure you had legs when you came in. The next issue is the commercials that never aired. Fed up with a messy toolbox next to Abu Hamza's multi-tool, start your day with a protein. boost with pork flakes from Kellogg's come home with a real fire visit the danish embassy my bank became a wine bar seville nazar i like the indonesian kids who let these coaches know that if they miss a single point their family will be beaten with sticks this is how we can guarantee quality use disappear like me Sol Campbell accident at work look where you're going you sleepy bastard you're out of toilet paper why don't you use this fluffy dog ​​dry skin itchy peeling of the scalp, what you don't want to hear makes me sick? a prime minister says Gordon, I havefigured out how to make myself immortal, well who would have thought?

Unfortunately, we have received no such commitment and are now at war with Wales. Oh my God, I'm a good big brother and now this is what I know, an 18-inch knife in a hand grenade. I'm fixing this Iraq, so even though these two Muslims walked into a bar. Oh Lord. President, you are hurting me, you just want to touch your little thorn. Arden members of the house, the band were what's next in the

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Tony Blair's plane was forced to land due to an engine problem by setting things up to listen to from the cockpit. from a plane thank God we are flying I am too angry to drive we are about to experience some turbulence and then a lot of falls this is the captain speaking we are out at the moment please leave a message don't panic just think this as a more vertical landing than normal.

Hopefully with my seat belt Abu. I can't do it with this damn hook. Okay, Captain Thomas, when I touched the windshield. I want you to stop if you look to the right wing. I will see the burning remains of the left wing. Valentine's Day cards to receive. I want to knock you senseless tonight. Lots of love. Your cellmate. The roses are Red. Violets are blue. I have chlamydia and now so do you. I can't wait to feel your flesh next to mine again. I love mom. I will be as loyal to you as any dog ​​and I will come when you fight, dear heart, are you paying too much for your time?

I love you, please send this letter. to ten other people what not to say when receiving a medal from the Winter Olympics I hate my national anthem could you play Love on the rocks listen brother? You have one? We have padlocks on a ganja leaf or something. Brilliant. I did it. I don't realize it was a sport for Switzerland. I'll put it with the rest of the Nazi stuff. Could you just hang the metal from my neck brace? I would like to thank my mother for providing me with my urine sample. The goal of women's curling.

This will take. place of pride in the office that I clean sorry for the yellow stain on the top of the ski Joe thanks for the medal that was the band and that's why we call him four-man Bob again improbable things that Osama bin Laden says on his tapes this is Ridiculous it must be your turn to hide. What do you think you should remove your beard? Enough talking from me, it's five to six and it's time for the non-stop al-Qaeda musical marathon so that the war with China doesn't stop your recording for my wedding video.

I just watched the funniest English cave cartoons, it makes me look a bit gay, so who could live in a cave like Hello Google Maps? I'm Osama bin Laden and this is Cillit, bang, holy desert, you get a yak, unlikely things for a TV host. Let's just say for those of you of a nervous disposition, it may bother you to know that your TV is off and I'm speaking to you from inside your own head, next on Channel 4, the self-righteous magician or the job tracker , Gillian McKeith gets slapped by the fat man. housewife, well that's it, don't forget BBC 24 goes all night like me and then on channel five a sensitive documentary called The Boy Who Looked Like a Baboon's Ass you're watchingv1 why do you do that?

I have the listing in front of me and we have nothing you're interested in knowing I'm completely naked and playing with myself we interrupt the broadcast of The Sixth Sense tonight with some breaking news Bruce Willis is a ghost if he has been affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's Balamory praise songs episode contain strong language and

scenes

of a sexual nature exam questions that were rejected many people say the exams are too easy is the answer a yes it will be David Beckham with illustrations describes the Prophet The Mohammed's merchant train travels at 120 miles per hour between London and Manchester.

What time will it be cancelled? All physical education teachers are pedophiles. Disgusting if the world is warming at 2 degrees per decade. What is everything for? Spell out the message cEPI without looking. she cries Beltré in the question two cars are speeding one is driven by a black man he will be arrested even children spend too much time with their PlayStation answer triangle crossed the box to B or C to receive the grid to B or C sex practical educational report for me at the station recovered if I add one it's to 1/16 host thorn I will be can you master this phrase do you want fries with those stingrays love foreplay load what you're doing with that pillow I bet?

You can jump over that barrier, no, don't shoot me hu Korea wants the funny thing is that the closer it gets, the more it looks like a piano oh, sit down, your mother is a scumbag, she only has lipstick, Vaseline and jam, problems Kenny because Jackie we go in the convertible car of course it's not a poisonous snake what a poisonous snake would be doing on a plane rejected first lines for the new Harry Potter book how he thought very differently about his magical adventures knowing that he had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic dojin realized Ron said Harry with our magical powers we just won't need rohypnol ending up in the cafeteria Harry and Ron Thunder on themselves I'm Lord Voldemort and I'm an alcoholic fat the fat goat the fat goat the fat goat Harry stared into his own shows and thought: I can call a center but I can't fix my astigmatism.

I have made more money than the Queen. They can't ask me. I'm sorry. "Harry," Ron said. I thought you felt the same. Genital warts. Hogwarts, said Matron, how fun, hurry up, wrap the elastic around his arm and tuck it into the crook of his elbow. Something in the spell must have gone wrong because one of her testicles had turned into a scorpion. It was October and the beginning of Harry's fifth term at Feltham, young man. criminals institute the safest ones well Dumbledore plays the juice he said the judge sure is unemployed useless things to say in a crisis I know why we don't involve the UN statistically speaking of course in these circumstances most of us will die I think this 14th century text adequately summarizes what I want to say.

I know you're a kidnapper, but I ordered a vegetarian meal. I know it's probably not the right time, but I have an erection. First the women in the children, then I will fuck the men and the animals advise the teenagers to say in court how could you see my face. He was wearing a balaclava, so, long story short, there's no proof, but he does look a bit rapist. Your Honor, that wig looks very gay. Your Honor, if you wish, I have a number. from a really good Brazilian cleaner, if stabbing a man makes me guilty, I'm guilty.

I would like to present my own defense through Dance, so if I am found not guilty, can I keep all the stuff on ick and put it up? Bad luck, that kid is hot. Oh, Wiggy, up, Daniel Dora. He was performing the Heimlich maneuver and became a sort of wheelbarrow position. Will this take me to meet a ship from Columbia at 9:00? There is a precedent for this. I refer you to you. honor episode 10 of Los Angeles law and let me tell you that this sentence will give me an overwhelming wave of sexual pleasure sending things that a sports commentator would never say like many people watching these Olympic Games.

I wonder why the blacks don't just take over the land, there the bell rings and the schoolgirls I've been spying on return to their classroom. I can't be the only person wondering what it would be like to fuck this gymnast, so here we are from Wembley all three furlongs. to go to this Grand National, let's leave the leaders and go see how the drop goes off and I should probably lower my voice because this is a snooker backhand forehand, don't you love it when they grunt just by reading the names of Players? This Chinese team is making me hungry and for those of you who missed it, here are the first results for next week's Italian football.

The woman is not only a world-class hugger, she is also a model. Ads that never leaked for that cheap teenager. it smells like desperation because some nights are better forgotten rohypnol injured at work don't drive a jet at 300 miles an hour he's damaged you had high school why they blow up so fast I haven't told you Tiger Siegfried and Roy's taste for effective ethnic cleansing used Milosevic the post office we are always full of absolute crazy people we launder half the money with the mafia and this with a more violent Chinese triad l'oréal by the year 2020 we will rule the earth Tesco every little bit helps lose a tiny hair you need a break leave all your debts with one easy payment buy a shotgun and blow your head off take two bottles in the shower yes, I'm an alcoholic our next topic is inappropriate acts for the Royal Variety Performance let's play who is Harry's father Stephen Hawking pulled the plug on the Royal Highnesses Ladies and gentlemen I give you synchronized chase please don't win the mujahideen marching band as a gift for the Duke of Edinburgh black and white ministers sing Hitler's speeches George Michael motorcycling lie you would never hear in a Bond movie witty tail it's a bomb but it's also a rock site James what a wonderful gift chlamydia my name is bond Mohammed bond everything is ready for your mission bond all you need to do is complete this health and safety risk assessment Mr.

Bond, Have you ever kissed a man? You're very good at poker, but let's see how you do on the frit machines. He is your new car. Bond. A Ford Focus. I'll have a scrambled egg roll, not boiled. an evil tyrant on top of a mountain totally surrounded by armed guards, you know, I don't like it, it's not just a bond with a baseball bat, it's a baseball bat with a nail through it. Oh, James, is it meant to be this soft? As they escape, we will chase them in this pedlow with slow beds. Turn that off.

Speed ​​cameras. I hope you're not one of those Russian agents whose name is just a cheap sexual pun. Miss, suck me off of the TV shows I never did. aired the boy whose arms and burning head fell off and poor thing is Robin's hoodie and now the magic of Britain's parks at night as Bill Oddie presents a gay watch and now on bbc2 jackstraws what not to wear on Wayne Rooney and welcome to grandma's house do the dirtiest things welcome to be blind with me Stevie Wonder BBC one is the dementia show where do you think you are this week who do you think you are Prince Harry chases after his family dealing with some surprising results bad things to say when leading troops in battle cry out God for Harry England I work in Anson just mass with the music Oh, show what you have there you will soon be home with your families in a jar on the mantel Have you ever hurt at work, right guys, oh god, huh?

General Churchill, on pins and needles, will lead the troops in this, won't he? Oh yes, our best hope is that the enemy kills so many of us that they get a little depressed. Hello, I'm George Bush. This next mission will be directed. by Michael Murr, since you know so much, you're unlikely to hear the next topic on Blue Peter today, we'll show you how to make an ashtray using the shell of a torture dead and welcome back to John the Leslie, have you ever wondered what ? It would be like when we say that the vandals have killed the goldfish, we mean that they have shit in the pond and all I need to do this is a Bunsen burner, a spoon, some fresh cane charcoal and go, like this that in a moment Connie will leave.

I will teach you how to clone your parents' credit cards. There are a couple of batteries in a toilet paper holder. You can make a great vibrator for Mother's Day during the week when the government mandates a stricter driving test. Things you wouldn't listen to while driving. test when I hit the board with my forehead. I would like you to come out of the rubble and look for help. Okay, when I give you the signal. I want you to want to roll down your window and call the cyclist an idiot when he tells you to put your foot down. straight through the jewelry store, get to where you can made a mistake, sir, a pine air freshener doesn't cover the smell of a dead hitchhiker, well, if she doesn't get up, you've definitely failed, well, at least we know that the bags of air were when there is no one else on a highway you should always drive in the center lane in case you fall asleep you have a little more time if I feel like I can continue driving my taxi I in a car I can't believe it in my signal I would like that you would make the pavement and kill my ex-wife, which the Queen didn't say in our Christmas message and now, to give you an impression, you come in, mr. boom box too much for your car it has been good to spend some time with my family and Harry as always after this we will watch The Great Escape and as always we will support the Germans this year.

I'm in an unusual place. I'm in a cave with Osama bin Laden, don't tell anyone, I'm actually an elf. I've heard of some medical problems this year. Now I'm so old I'm bewitched. Lines unlikely to be found in theBible. He is not him. The Messiah is very and God said let there be light sponsored by power. A man who sleeps with another man should be stoned. Aid. That's all. I said it a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away and God said it right after 14 commandments. now you will remember all those tables 4:12 Jesus, I can make two sixes 8:30 and on the eighth day God created a magic talking leopard and he forgot about us and Mary said that God had given her a son, so Joseph went and He joined his father's family. 4 justice a grain for 40 days and 40 nights although Thames Water still had a ban on hoses sin Paul's third epistle to the Corinthians here Corinthians I have written to them twice now no answer I don't know how they do things in Corinth I' I'm from that's a little route in the week the government is discussing raising the school leaving age bad things a teacher can say well well well you know the rules Thomas if you forget your PE kit I take the lesson in my pants.

I am the arms dealer, thief and murderer, but the Home Office thinks I am clean. Are you chewing, boy? This is the worst I've had all day. I know the answer Watkins. I only do this job during vacations. It turns out that you are not dyslexic, you are just very, very stupid. I have been at this school for over 40 years. I screwed your father's and I'll screw you in the week when the Oscar nominations will reveal rejected movie lines and premium phone rates, pan de leche. delicious tea biscuits are you sure this is the correct list mr.

Schindler in June outside, now tell Jade to come back inside and keep uploading mashups. This t1000 cyber organism has found the problem and needs to close. Do you want to submit a bug report? My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius but on weekends Marjorie, a census taker, tried Try Me once when I ate her liver with some fish fingers in a bottle of Jacob's Cream. Good morning Cheltenham, well there is one thing I must tell you, sir. Darcy, I have chlamydia, what a Rambo, you want to wait for a UN resolution, you were just supposed to blow Ibrahim's bloody doors off, frankly darling, I don't give a damn, but thank you for calling the BT helpline.

Luke Skywalker. I'm your mother, unlikely. excerpts from a nature documentary, you see this little guy here. I have to whisper because this woman's husband is in the next room, this beautiful hummingbird is no match for my squash rack and I have to whisper because this bear has me in mind. penguin was his head stuck in a beer can tragic and yet somehow hilarious I'm standing here in the jungle in a bathrobe because my luggage is still at Heathrow welcome back to pimp my hippo and here we have two insects coming out of the water climbs a majestic otter that turns oh no, it's a dog the lines of the Impala and the lines polar guardian Chuck in my son I'm the ghost of Steve Irwin and welcome to the animals kills the dumbest bastard while a television chef ever I would say so that's the bird plucked and stuffed all that's left is to kill it welcome once and for all to the lady and here what you want to do is put a little bit of the brine mixture in the can and then sprinkle a little bit of ash on top.

These Korean meatballs really are the dog's shit. If you're wondering how to get the perfect skin on your parsnips, then you're psyched. Hello, I am. Delia Smith and today we are going to cook an invisible panda in the jacket, I think so. I've marinated it for half an hour, seared it for 15 seconds and now I'm spraying it on my butt, you only need two things to do. This dish, what you need is a take-out menu and a telephone tonight in the Russian kitchen cyanide polonium and the crab stuffed with explosives will not be worth it now is the harshest thing against the bad that can be said at the inauguration of the new stadium in Wembley, is that it? me or everything is feeling a little shaky due to a double booking england's first game is against simply red there is ellen james blurt welcome to the 2008 cup archive so if everyone can address the coaches we are on our way to cardiff and everyone for the same place is building a rope ladder between Earth and Jupiter, Commissioner bin Laden, report to the lost and found please, and who knows, maybe one day here, with the right linesman, England can cheat your way to another country in the world and maybe one day with Scotland's hooligan group, these goalposts can be smashed again, it cost a hundred million pounds to demolish Wembley, if you had played your last game against Scotland we would have done it with nothing, unlikely things to hear in comic relief, and I would simply like to thank Mr. for the donation of one hundred and sixty thousand turkeys.

B Matthews remembers tonight as a comedy here's Ben Elton of course we also support projects in the UK for example this is my extension my name is one day I'm seven years old and I have to walk five miles every day to get fresh water so I don't really have time to play football with fat celebrities and give me the right money it's one for you three Ethiopians walk into a bar if we take the falls off all these villagers one day they could make our shoes yeah, I don't think so either, some of those kids are fatter than me and I remember that 20% of everything you give goes straight to a smiling warlord wearing a necklace of human finger bones.

This village had a goat until I was born later. The refrigerator will be claiming in a bean bath, not for charity, it's for dinner, we're from the Maasai tribe, what are we going to get that money for that one time we did it right, that applauding is the worst thing your new neighbor could say? Are those the pens that circulate around here? My wife's body is starting to stink. Looks like we have a new one. I hope my turkeys don't keep you up. My wife and I are nudists and have been for the last 70 years. You are bigger. that you look through the telescope welcome to the street or as we like to call it the dead end of Christ do you like music so what can I see you when you sleep yes that's right the wife breeds violet rock your children in a music band and I am a pedophile, it's simple, your dog and I are in love.

Unlikely things that here at Wimbledon new balls will develop in both Williams sisters, well, this crowd has really taken this young Serbian girl into the hearts of her, obviously I don't know that her father is a war criminal. Could Henman Hill's working-class family keep the middle classes away from their strawberries? You know who you are, Mudblood, a dog has run onto the field and been defeated. Tim Henman, now there's a question, John. Nadao, could I convert you? There are no strawberries left. You'll have to eat chips. Well, you know, in a way, this rain could be taken as God's judgment on the house.

We're at tennis while the Scottish man holds Wimbledon. and he swallows it. hall cliff rich is there with a wonderful performance as dr. Dre is not, my God, that's a double fault, one for being a woman and the other for being German. It's simply brought to our attention that Tim Henman's father died six Wimbledons ago and he's been sitting there with the same look of disappointment. The next topic is lost. is what a newsreader would never say about football results now, so you might want to look away if you're a woman or gay. Good evening, here is the news.

I'm Moira Stuart, why did the BBC sack me? black just watching that press conference I wouldn't be surprised if it was a stepdad doing it he's the news on 10 I'm Fiona Bruce standing or behind a desk it's the same to me press the red button now to operate the Vibrating Donuts that I have placed in my pants, that you have sent in your emails, that we have been reading in my, aren't you a bunch of racist bigots? If you have recorded that earthquake to enjoy it later and you don't want to. to find out how many died look away now Wimbledon news now and Tim Henman you know, the rest use Justin, I'm hey chives E+ well it's time for your own regional news now I'm going to a dump see you in ten, what worse than I can hear In an artificial intelligence system, you can only hear me.

The train to Nottingham will arrive in five minutes, which is a shame because this is the second floor of Tesco, but you can't get out. Welcome to our mark of school sports day, we'll probably get stuck into it. a sack, ha, damn, can someone come to the salami slicer please, if anyone has found a Wix inhaler, then we all know what will be in the tube, what will it be today? The lip doors close leaving you trapped in an airless, windowless coffin down in A hundred miles, the parents of the boy who fell into the tiger enclosure, please come to the lost and found to pick up his shoes.

Planes about to land in Glasgow, passengers are left to turn back the clocks. 25 years of unfortunate line since Harry Potter's last dance. Don't worry Hermione, I can get rid of him because he's half gone, okay, Hermione, said Harry, I'm buttoning his zipper. I'll show you a really magical one. Harry had always thought that he had met his death at the hands of Voldemort, so he figured. his surprise when the doctors told him he was president of HIV he knows no, there is no position today said Ron the owls are on a one day strike in the middle of the wing or g-ronn to Harry this is better than Quidditch his eyes looked like Di that it was a magical meadow that showed the future and in its hari there seemed to be a thought: you told the actor that he appears in something called the bell, get the snitch, said Harry, I will reduce the time, you can pierce his kneecaps while the old man was standing. foot. in front of him in his robe clutching his wand Hari regretted transferring to the Catholic school I'm sorry Harry I'm having a baby and it's yours said Professor McGonagall and Harry said something Hermione said something oh who cares I'm written unlikely lines to hear in an episode of Doctor Who between

series

I paint the TARDIS red and sell coffee.

Yes, doctor, I am his archenemy, you may also recognize mr. Giuseppi De Marco from EastEnders appears wounded as wounded, we seem to have materialized in the 19th century, oh no, it's Glasgow 2007, this is not a waste of time, you're a Time Lord, have you ever given money to the Labor Party? I'm here to save the earth, but as a doctor I won't work evenings or weekends, canines fucking the toaster, welcome to my Dalek poetry reading, okay next cover uses both senses for Gordon Brown to address to the nation, you can take our lives, but you will never change our freedom this is not my sport it's hazel blue it's asking for a promotion the economy is in ruins I blame the previous chancellor you thought it was Tony Blair I look at these people of Britain as I address to you like that, right?

I know that sometimes I get so excited that a little comes oh, you may like Tony more, but you will hate my wife less in these difficult times between our nations. I feel like I need to go up to President Putin and tell him that I slept with your mother. It is time for you to learn the truth, earthling citizens of the New Atlantis, I bring you greetings for that, brothers, the crab men, no, don't make me do it, mother, I am G to B and this is how I move, we have beef with me, you kiss me a SS whole different lines to listen to in a science program after working on the equation for 30 years professor Stevens made an incredible discovery his wife had left him and he wasted his life the trade in human organs is shocking this kidney cost me almost a tenner today We're going to make a bomb using Geppetto's flour and hydrogen peroxide but she's faster a dog got a crossbow and that's how God created the world in seven days I ran away from Hello my name is Jade Goody and this is how we can prove that the aluminum is gay a cure for acute depression may be just around the corner oh here's a train and as the mighty lion shakes the life of this little gazelle I feel strangely excited well that test was conclusive cats have a life the questions They are measured from the British citizenship test.

Can you fly a plane? can you land a plane? Pop butcher fuck or die? Do you ever look at the ingredients and Ready Steady Cook and think I could make a bomb out of that? Is there any chance you can represent us? the 2012 Olympics, in which case Yuri Boris Johnson, true or false, do you like Shabbat music? This Breton man sings it. Can you point out where Gloucester used to be? Are you paying too much for your car insurance? The worst thing you can hear during the holidays. Many of you on this Safari may be wondering why I'm dousing you with barbecue sauce.

Welcome to Buckland's. The plane has lost all power. Feel free to use your cell phone. Let me feel your arm. Let me see his teeth. Take it. Oh, this is your captain. Speaking, do you want a double or single room. Tober mmm Rahman builds a double room in the cabin events. Decompressed oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and hang in front of your blue dead faces from your window.room. You have a nice view of the city's old nuclear facilities. Yes, I know you have a restraining order against me, but I don't think it applies abroad.

There is a pool bar after yesterday's riot. You must be the only person in the hotel I wasn't going to. to Star Trek convention welcome to Scotland unlikely lines to hear on a TV show about Shaun the Sheep this week Shaun is in for a big surprise when a nasty Defra man turns up with a bolt pistol, so he dials because he remembers those lines Telephones closed at midnight yesterday and now the Antiques Roadshow, this program contains scenes of tedious boredom from the beginning and if you have an opinion on this news, why not keep it to yourself?

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week after dark. I'm Darrell Breen and this is my penis this week on location Location Location Muhammad is looking for a pied-à-terre with easy access to an international airport and no other humble team is going to start the holidays with a badger hello and welcome to India with Sanjeev Bhaskar and myself Jade Well it's Shostakovich week on itv1 in this week's time, the Tony Robinson team goes to Fred West's old house and now Shawn for a blind weather test. No, you're going to give me money. Strange things to see on a traffic sign.

Shack park-and-ride 200 yards stop at hammer time you're leaving Croydon well done, help me. I'm stuck in the same factory when the red lights flash. Get off with the slot. Accident on the opposite road. Look quickly. Yellow. This is how you are. now leaving the paddle services i wish i hadn't eaten that for 26 miles if you can read this you've crashed into my front garden you're entering scotland with no salad for 200 miles north tongue no rape tongue no entry no reverse get out of the can put your hands on your head River ahead that your satnav thinks is a road you feel alone, don't you?

Russell takes a sharp left forward careful ladies exclamation point joint forward Bracknell twinned with L hot little chef a man unlike things here in To the House of Lords, would anyone like to trade a pack of Space Raiders for some milk balls by Lee Dunker? Let us welcome our new member, Lord Voldemort. He used to be a lord, but after the operation, my lady, that gentleman is Mosul and now I will clean him up. top I want to blame the tea so I can feel dirty when I make it. I have changed my name to Lordy.

I want everyone to call me Lordy. Lordy. I am the lord of the dance. Hello I am Lord Ocean Finance as I live here I would like to tender my resignation I am Davina you live in the house please don't swear bad things to hear on a plane in case the cabin decompresses the oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and untangling them will bother you. before you die, well, if you look out the port window in about a minute you'll see me. That's the first cloud I've seen with the ski lift on top, the only thing less likely to survive crashing into the sea.

It's the Coast Guard listening to the whistles on your life jacket. Oh hi, I have a hobby farm. Would you like me to tell you all about it for the next nine hours? Louise and her flight team will be looking after you and your kidnappers today. My name is Ibrahim, wait, I just finished like the Red Bull challenge. Fat people, please move to the end of the play. This is a non-smoking flight, although feel free to join me in the cabin. I've opened a window, sorry due to unforeseen Islamic fundamentalism, this plane is being diverted to paradise, hit it Chewie, okay, next topic is The Worst Person to Marry.

I love you a lot. Let's see what Mr. Tiddles thinks of you. What do you think? Get ready. Agnes, it's that time of year again. These are the ashes of my late rabbit. Say hello when I said he was a positive person. means HIV I brought my whole video to get us excited it's forgiveness, the age of steam You thought I was a Thai lady well you're half right yeah let's go out tonight it's Hitler's birthday he's my dad we do everything together you want what to do put my ding-a-ling in your fairy cave you're crazy but you can't use that bathroom that's my bathroom he sleeps in the bed with us okay don't make me choose between you and the wolf please Pavarotti let me go On top of things and the athletics commentator would never say that there is a white man in the hundred meters final, good luck with that that man runs like a panther and if we could learn to use only two legs he would be absolutely unbeatable and I have to say which is a surprise, yes, the winner of the marathon of four tied up guys dressed as Spider-Man.

This should be the woman running. Lane 1, the UK to US lane. Lane 3 closed for resurfacing. Here come the walkers who now make their way. I enter the stadium and in this women's gymnastics final they have nailed me to my chair for my sake there is the bell someone can open the door please I comment on tragedy in water polo since most of the horses drown the urine sample seems to have melted the glass that is not a good sign and in the end he took a photo to separate them, the one of him fucking a pole dancer in Nevada and in the slow motion replay you can clearly see him swinging from one side to the other The next topic is the worst thing that I can say when I'm running for president of the United States.

I intend to withdraw from Iraq. Invade some real place like Spain. Hi, I'm like George Bush, only less intelligent. I will never forget the terrible events of September 12. Now I know you. I'm thinking about Sachit Arias for president but I have Leo coming up if I smoke marijuana and I'm already cured there are no skeletons in my closet just a black latex dildo suit I would like you to call me president I'm sure whatever this is I have a magnificent war record your Paul McCartney's peace pipes as well as his university I experimented with marijuana I did it in the snow I didn't sleep but I didn't inhale small additions unlikely erectile problems hahahahaha I found DVD of lost I want to gain pounds pounds pounds yes three pounds would you like it without conditions sex contact me treasure of an ex-wife worried about hair loss, bald bastard dog available too good at home free shrimp crackers with every delivery one to make money at home become a prostitute it's easy problems with your short-term memory cannot remember what you just read.

Problems with your sorting room: that no one has died in it. Nobody wanted a Spice Girls ticket and a gun. Bored, lonely, depressed. Meet like-minded people dancing salsa. The next topic. They are excerpts from DVDs that I wouldn't sell. My name is Hannibal Lecter. I am vegan. I'm afraid the only thing you're ever going to fight for in Bond is HIV. Welcome to Antiques Roadshow, Too Hot for TV from the creators of Alien vs Predator Alien Versus Pingu from the creators of Snakes on a Plane Mice in a Tube Here I'm Looking at You Kid That's Why I'm in a Cambodian Jail Three Laughs I'm Ann Widdecombe and this is naked table tennis ah fruit oh you You're hurting me I said you should destroy the ring What a reporter would never say next on News 24 I'm going to punch a zebra who cares, no one's looking here.

Children as young as eight are forced to earn a more polished living. more polished I want to see my face here on the streets it seems Breton is completely caught up in gang culture this is join Sampson for the ITN Matty can you hear the bombs falling? No, that's because they're in Baghdad. I'm here. in Peckham, reports of a mysterious man hanging around the area turned out to be me, news juice, then go to a brick, your wife was hit by a truck and it was only a few meters from here that the shots were fired.

I know I shot them right. It finally seems that the light is returning in Beirut. The radiator I'm chained to is getting pretty hot even in the midst of the devastation of this earthquake. There are still stories of hope. I found a man's wallet. I'm actually in my room, but I'm trying. to make it seem like I'm in Baghdad with a satellite phone and I can't help but think that if my country was ravaged by famine, I just move traffic, it's unlikely to be read in views why oh why oh why it's the structure of my chromosomes dvc The other night I watched a live entertainment program on your network that was not presented by Graham Norton, dear BBC, how did you get those hippos to swim in a circle?

The efficiency that I am. Nigerian general with 30 million pounds to put in your bank account last night I went on your new porn channel I see fools his points of your I would like to complain about the strange voice you are reading dear point of view, does anyone else notice? Pat Butcher looks a lot like the honey monster from Sugar Puffs, dear BBC, when are you going to show the crazy people on the road their views? I watched Silent Witness with this sound off and it didn't make any sense, theory, we see well, it's now, 30 years later and I'm no closer to owning a robotic house made of tomorrow's world, tomorrow sucks, more like the other night I saw Nigella Lawson, we can learn a couple of good tips about baking bread and in the process just about ripping off unlikely things for a royal correspondent to say, isn't it wonderful to see Prince Charles being named king to the age of 137 and the Queen there majestically taking her place in the queue to withdraw her savings?

The Queen asked me if I was from the BBC, I said yes and she told me to fuck off. Here we see Prince Philip going to talk to a man from China. This should be interesting, in fact, he is the Chinese Prime Minister and he just asked you for a menu. Prince Hani. hasn't been deterred by the congestion charge, says he still manages to come to Chelsea twice a day, well the crowds love this event, the night sky is dancing with light, yes, the Queen set it on fire to Windsor Castle again, it's great I see the whole family waving from the balcony through the scope of my Ak-47 and as Prince Philip cuts the ribbon to open this mental institution, the doctors have given him the next topic is what a rugby commentator would never say, oh and he skips the defender and that's lucky because if the South Sea Islanders catch you they reach the scrum where the players can give each other a quick kiss and exchange phone numbers and it's the throw of the coin and Jonny Wilkinson has sprained his thumb and there's a massive entry, oh yes it's mine.

It was like this, not everyone has been able to get tickets for this World Cup final and we know that many of you are watching it at home, so hello to you, the England team has bad news, New Zealand rugby does not matter , Pay attention. this ball when it hits the ground because it's such an unusual shape it could go anywhere seal it bang cool it down Kira all pretense has been abandoned as both teams walk out onto the field naked covered in lube to the sound of hitting takes North with thick necks and muscular broken noses and powerful thighs the rugby wives one minute this young man has a brilliant playing career ahead of him followed by a grim career as our speaker before his suicide at age 40 where he is, in many ways, the perfect opening legs of a human blowfly torso the South Africans pass air to their only black player Johnny token so it's England against Samoa a rank amateur team against Samoa bad things were a candidate in the by-election to say I'd like to catch your baby but no I don't want to go down that path again.

I am the perfect candidate. This is an election and I, and by voting in favor of me, Doris McGarvie, would like to say that I am not related, but I am not going to lie to you. Power gives me wood. I have been knocking on doors in this constituency for weeks and it has no connection with the recent chokeholds. Knife crime should end last week. They gave me a steak knife when I clearly ordered the fish if the chosen standard of living increases for me and my wife. I would say that the fact that the Labor Party has not put forward a candidate has not devalued this election in any way.

I asked my fellow opponents timmy mallett elvis and the honey monster. I promise to put an end to crime in this constituency by patrolling the streets at night dressed up. As a leopard man, I have impeccable green credentials because I have never used deodorant or taken a bath. I don't know anything about politics, but I can crush our taxpayer between my buttocks. Okay, next topic is disconcerting things you might hear during a medical exam. Yes I am. I'll be operating, oh there you are, since your smear test is over and I have bad news. I'm the janitor, yeah, well it's definitely stuck in there, we might have to use the ferret, so if you want to just blow your clothes out of there next to mine you'll live about a week well, there's good news and bad news, But don't worry, I can give the good news to your widow, don't worry, panic because it was just a spider on the microscope and how does it feel if I talk to you here and here and these jars don't really work but every time I prescribe I receive afree pen?

No, no, no, you can't have your old hip back, mrs. Smith, I gave it to my dog. This is one of the healthiest x-rays I've ever seen, but compared to yours, I thought I could cough for a change and you could hold my balls. You have the body of someone half. your age grows within your women well, there is good news, you have had a baby and the bad news is that she has left you breathless. Tings you're unlikely to hear on the quiz show here's your starter for ten spring rolls, sesame toast and chili balls, reform, oh and welcome. to ask the family mr.

Fritzl, where is the rest? Hello, we are Ant & Dec and welcome to double our money. You double your money. I'm Anne Robinson and if my botox wears off, my face will turn into a scrotum. Look what you could have earned if you went to school called Ted Smith occupation carpenter and your chosen specialist subject the life and work of carpenter Ted Smith four million pounds complete this well-known phrase the lock Val Val Val Val Val is the answer I'm Richard Whiteley did it did it did it welcome to the inflation-adjusted who want to be millionaires in Zimbabwe is the banker says he has his children and his question is about celebrities which jocular Irish presenter of the popular show Mock the Week is known to his friends as dubby because of his uncanny resemblance to the house elf from Harry Potter the next topic is things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party ignore the knocks he's been there for 24 years help yourself to bites he was our favorite hamster but that's what he would do Are you sure that this is pork?

Because Mike Crackling has a tattoo, don't worry, we don't say thank you, we just sacrifice a child to the Great God in all Ted's ringer. Excellent, we had the meals and James Blunt Oprah's Boys guitar. I hope no one. allergic to nuts because I like to leave mine on the table. This is absolutely charming. I say we all raise a glass to the ten of us. Have you arrived? Only one will leave anyway. Long story short, after about two hours you couldn't tell what was poop and what was chocolate, but there is a vegetarian option that you can tune out from the lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie to the bat caravan.

Now I'm a superhero Russell, you drew an S on your forehead and sprinkle glitter on your penis, no, they Call me Catwoman because I can like my own butt. Hey Louis, just before we fly away. I want to verify that none of your liquids exceed 100 milliliters. You are trapped. Spider-Man trapped in this huge bathtub. No, Kelly, you can't join. the Fantastic Four it's not enough to believe you can fly this BAM Kapow is missing it's a bird it's a plane whatever it is heading straight for the World Trade Center what do you mean the swastika is already taken on my cape made now and everything, so tell me why they call you flash, yes he may not look as dangerous as other super villains but soon, a sheep doctor will rule the world, what is that Joker?

You will come back somehow. I don't think you're okay. the next two years unlikely letters for a dying aunt to receive dear dear tree I leave you I want to track down my father could you suggest a good marker? I recently discovered the pleasures of butter in sex. I smear it on the doorknob to stop the kids coming my voice is breaking and there are hairs on my chest is this normal your sally jenkins is 9 years old dear I have trouble making friends what are you going to do about it dear that Giant man can pick me up like a baby?

I've been saving up for a sex change I don't care what my wife says, she'll have it dear aunt, my testicles are the size of space jumpers. I don't need any advice, I just wanted to tell someone, my husband and I. He is 82 years old and has recently lost interest in sex thank God my wife says I am a compulsive liar I think she is jealous that my reg duet with Rio Ferdinand has reached number one I know where you live my problem is that I can alone I ejaculate when I hear a ringing commercials that never aired masturbation Are you worrying about bankruptcy? 40 miles an hour there's an 80% chance I'll die if you hit me at 30 miles an hour there's an 80% chance I'll live stop trying to hit me poor guy too lazy to cook that's why moms cut Iceland this isn't just a mask this is a Gimpo S&M your panties feel uncomfortable when trying Bacardi Breezer you find flying corners boring you could die Daily Mail racist in public so you don't have to be I came across Breton and this machine took two stone off me, it's up, slicer of Bacon, I'm John McCain, why don't you buy my workout video?

Are you thinking about drinking and driving? Remember that the m20 is surprisingly quiet and one Saturday night we lost your suitcases, we lost your suitcases dddddd from Janette the new UBA UBA UBA XL sensor arrives for a closer shave. In fact, this one cuts your face like a potato peeler. It's too close. Get the Gillette sensor above. Turns out we couldn't get any closer than that. 131 million names on three fantastic albums. Her Majesty's Treasury and Customs, that's what I call a monumental mistake. Volume one. Max Mosey doesn't see the Ortiz thing, but if he did it would probably be the best bad things he would hear when he answers the door in the middle of the night, oh, I'm Garo Breen.

I would like to talk to you about the

mock

ery of a week. I returned for my canoe trip. I saw a peeper in your garden, but I love them. This is my patch. I'll come fix it. your washing machine called your ass between 12 and 5 oh I'm afraid my smug stuff is in your letterbox hi, I'm Max Mosley and I've been a very naughty boy. I'm afraid your husband has been murdered. Could you lend me a shovel? Hi, I'm Gordon Brown, just have me bad things to say in a job interview, what can I bring to the job? a hatred of the West, a hook for a hand and a pilot's license, the five year job gap, yeah I was canoeing right, I hope we can all be professional about the fact that I just split up with you three.

I'm really only here because I expect to slip on a wet floor and then fall off a ladder. Yes I do. I've had a few changes in direction, one would scrub Broadmoor, but for the last three months I've lived in their air conditioning. I really like the diversity on my latest team. I made sure we had a fruit black and a fat one. I have always wanted to work in a motel. I tell the mother. I tell you this. This job would be a great opportunity for me to steal a bunch of stationery. Hey Oliver, you from the dungeon.

Hey honey, it's me, lame Terry, it's Kim Peach. Aries, my son, in three words, I guess he'd have to be a killer alien vagina, would you stoop them under the qualifications to be a plumber for hours like he had pee in your sink? I work until today from 9:00 to 5:00 from 9:00 to 5:00 my medication runs out at 3:00 the next topic is things you wouldn't hear in praise songs hello Canterbury, let's make some noise, well , the locals here in the Shetland Islands have given us a tremendous welcome today we have our act of worship and tomorrow they burn me in a wicker man they call him geo D and he the Big Daddy looked like me but he has more beard hello I'm The Sister Margaret and I are alcoholics.

Parishioners will now go forward to receive communion if they can pass to Atlas and Predator. Christians in a corner. Muslims on the other. Let's get ready to rock well. The goat is tied to the altar, so let's begin. It was beautiful, it's a shame that there was no one up there who heard it and it seems that we have a streaker who knows that one of the altar boys escaped from the sacristy. If you're enjoying this, why not move on to BBC 3 where you can enjoy? uncut praise songs, okay now, choir of the week, they're not the Von Trapp family, but they were the Trapp family, it's the fritz, we connect too, feeding is from sin, Paul's first letter to fix it in general , things you wouldn't hear at the Olympics. the athletes will now go on to receive their medals and complimentary shrimp crackers and there are the four coxless Chinese, it's a severe punishment, but that's what happens, you go and look, there's Paula Radcliffe dressed as a clown holding a flare, we can't Find a national anthem. to Togo we're going to have to use the Benny Hill theme song and that's my personal best the first time I've managed to achieve one in weightlifting oh my goodness things are really exciting here in sailing and there the Campaign. someone has stolen the bell now to the Paralympic Games with Glenn Hoddle she passed one passed two Paula Radcliffe is very Ellen facts he meddled in Sydney he meddled in Athens and he will meddle here unless someone catches him and he gets a chance to see teenagers in tights without feeling bad to show them how polluted their city is while the javelin got stuck in the sky Britain's leading swimmer had to withdraw from the 400m freestyle because he couldn't find a pound for the locker well, we should've done it better at the gunfight and this young team from south Manchester know it and anyone who thinks this opening ceremony is incredible has never been to Blackpool with lines of ecstasy you wouldn't hear in a war company.

We have managed to defeat the Germans. The code turns out that they were sending messages in German. Because we speak English? I'm afraid we can't afford to wear glasses. So what are we going to have to do? We will all have to go like this. you said, let's all join together and take Jerry from behind, okay guys, here's the strategy to escape from the prisoner of war camp, we'll sit around until the end of the war. I can't feel my legs, that's because your arms were blown off. I'm saving Private Ryan money on his car insurance.

Someone else is embarrassed that we all showed up in the same suit. There's only one way to sell this war through Dobbs. Don't worry, tell me. I will make sure. If you get it, it's chlamydia, right? Each of us has been selected for this mission because the enemy does not know him and each one has a special ability: Professor Hawking John Leslie Phil Neville, the Wu-tang clan, the Sugar Puffs monster and Daniel day-lewis welcome to operation mind questions that were rejected from this year's exams if the answer is 9 what is the question when you finish this exam please return your work and market it using Darwin's theory of evolution explain Boris Johnson Vladimir has 10,000 tanks and you have three? why would you start a war by 2015? the earth's population will have increased by 20%.

How do we find Kerry Katona and arrest her? Complete the following sequence sixteen thirty five twenty four eight nine now open a safe and grab some stuff and get to the runaway burnt car the object is traveling at seven hundred and fifty miles per hour encounters resistance and slows down to zero for how many months will Richard Hammond have that wearing diapers in the diagram below shows where on your body you like to be touched describes Uranus, without telling your parents, Amy is 16, at least she said she was. Are you in fullness? Crop rotation. Wheat fallow.

Rock festival. BNP Rally. If everyone in Class A is called Tom Thomas or Tommy and every second child in Class B is called Tim Timothy. Oh Timmy. What's happening is live, you wouldn't hear it in a Henry Tudor period drama, but why did he chew her up? The Zulus have us surrounded, sir, they are standing on the horizon waving their spears, wait a minute, those are not Spears, sir. Darcy, I think you've clicked on me on Facebook, so King Henry, I'm your fifth wife, wait, divorced, beheaded, dead, divorced, but oh, for the latest news from the big house, tune in to Pride and Prejudice extra to from now on in the next three, prayed and extreme prejudice what elizabeth is surprised to hear Master Darcy's opinions on homosexuals and Jews do you think wearing this bustle makes my butt look big let me read the victory sign Are you paying too much for your college?

I worked for the Duke of Wellington when he invented wellies and the Earl of Sandwich when he invented the sandwich, but I suppose my happiest moment was working for Lord, tie me the leash, your desire to remarry will divide the church, will you? He has to be a gay Nigerian, ah, the Juke, my daughter? been looking forward to meeting you chlamydia unlikely greeting cards congratulations you're 18 on a list of 20 people i'm going to kill my heart moves with sympathy i know your life is shattered i can't believe your dear sweet mom caught you watching all that porn congratulations on conquering your dependence on drugs and alcohol we are going to have a party to celebrate but you can't come I know you are green I have done my bit this card is made from recycled material, get well soon PS: I know it's terminal but They didn't have a card for that roses are red violets are blue I'm locked up in Broadmoor and thinking of you thanking you in this difficult time I've gotten an erection you're moving we've taken over your house congratulations on passing your test you have HIV okay next one theme are things you didn't hear inthe Olympics I'm the opening ceremony girl this is my real voice that gymnast is so flexible if my wife could do that we'd still be together after rhythmic gymnastics, maybe you want to start pacing yourself at home, that English athletics team is incredible and is gold for Ireland, well, they will be low marks for synchronicity, but high marks for execution, clean headshots. back out of the pool full of gorgeous blood next to Gabby Logan who will tell us if she's a crossdresser or not and you don't get along again, you won't do another one for the rest of the show, there it is, oh come on.

Look at the clock, it's more interesting than jumping, the only thing we all think about. Jew, the Olympics, doesn't Clare Balding look like Eddie Izzard? No one can touch this Russian gymnast except the couch and our uncle and he comes. Well, what a morning. we have medals in jingling jingling tiddly and po chinese athlete with the number 36 on his chest which means he is a chicken chow mein and the french have four defects their language their food armpit hair and the fact that they are french now surprise in the canoeing where the British athlete got into and I even realized one thing that I had not heard at the Olympic Games, no, they were lines that you would not hear in a science fiction movie: we have discovered an alien queen and she has laid enough eggs. to take over the galaxy this writing says Katonah I'm c-3po this is my cousin wd-40 okay Chewie you look different after that waxing my name is obi-wan Kenobi is my brother Oh, be careful my sister Oh, behave, be sporty, use Force Luke.

I'm out of lube, yes, that's right, we Lians have learned your language by listening to your radio broadcasts. The androids are going crazy, captain, let's try turning them off and on again. stardate twenty-one seventy-one point six The captain's log is not yet downloaded. I'll try again later, Peter, you look like a big black dildo, Captain. I've been repeatedly firing this laser at that alien, but all I've managed to do is get better. his eyesight and give him a Brazilian it's not easy being captain of Vulcan because of my death grip I can't do it a little, but that ball of fur that's been there for years I need to get into the Death Star computer system who knows his last name Captain Darth Maul's mother's maiden, ethereal sounds have been produced by this beautiful dying creature from another world if some funky and cool things you wouldn't hear on the radio in that episode of the Hugh Dennis story Hugh Dennis was played by Bruce Willis Steve punt was played by Hugh Dennis and the band wish your body my turnips and I'll lift you up and now for a travel update there's an accident on the m1 it's good so hurry up next a book a bedtime.

Martin Jarvis reads Hitler's speeches at a halt. high pitched girl voice good afternoon it's Radio 4 and I have a regional accent next on the radio for the forecast doggin here on traffic policing we are predicting big delays on the m4 but I'm about to crash my ex wife's car with this helicopter and now it's the panel where our panel tries to prevent premature ejaculation yes it's just a minute good morning this is breakfast with Tony Blackburn and last year on the radio they broke into your kitchen do you want to toast next? More lesbian propaganda with women's hour.

Well, you've certainly stumped the gardener's pollution question panel. None of us know how to bring a fox to orgasm. You're listening to the heart of the same five songs all day long. Sexy and welcome to the break, I'm sure she's already turned six by now. my wife is leaving me. I didn't lift her sexy M and he was a miner. Unlikely little ads. Did you see a hit and run on Cromwell Road Tuesday night? Please get in touch as I am willing to silence any witnesses. Parents are worried. about rebellious teenagers who ruin your house you need my book my house my rules by Josef Fritzl please get in touch our eyes met yesterday you were the blonde who undressed in the bedroom I was the man who lurked in your garden shake your butt wanted by a lightly used cannibal condoms for sale there are no weirdos you're an alcoholic there's a weird stamp Ben's house prices are going down debts are going up you feel like you can't quite manage get yourself together gardening finished I think I'll put my feet up now are you Looking for a plumber who will do a good job at a reasonable price.

You have no chance. Anger management CDs sell. They don't ring before noon. Are you struggling to get out of the bathroom? Game over for you. Then you're unlikely to hear things in question time. I will answer your question with the question why don't you leave? I'm going to answer a question from a black man without mentioning that he is black, the man in the red sweater, please, do I think the economy is in a recession? Well, I think so. Churchill, who said, ah, David Dimbleby, who hasn't answered a question all night, you're the weakest link, bye, good question, there's the BBC, foolishly, what do you think?

Barry chuckles, yes my question is for Delilah, why, welcome to question time. for you this week live from Spirit Reiner question time tonight we are in Norwich say hello to the audience look men from Magic Picture Box talking fast is the wrong answer Charles Clarke take off an article of clothingVery good question Gordon Brown why You don't shove tax increases up your ass if your dog isn't here, mr. Plunkett, who smells my balls. I have a question for Boris Johnson. Do you know where you are? Britain is becoming more misogynistic. Let's ask these things you wouldn't hear in a travel documentary.

This man lives under a tarp and has to walk for three. hours each morning just to have a drink of cloudy water, yet he is happy to be mayor of Dundee this week. I will travel to the Middle East, Africa and Asia, but if I still can't find my luggage, I will return to the Terminal. 5 it's incredible to think that I'm the first big fish these people have ever seen and the last squawk of the parakeet and toucan parrots has kept me away called bloody night I'm surviving here on nuts and berries that's the problem with a funded documentary on channel 5 on our third day of filming, an incredible discovery: hippos are just men in disguise, so I said: Jimmy comes to the Gobi Desert in search of water and luckily I found this.

This week we're looking at Gatwick holidays because apparently you need a passport to go to Honolulu. Prostitution is rife on the streets of Bangkok, so it really pays to look for a bargain. Don't make the mistake I made. Nudists are not welcome on all beaches or in local shops. outside the Taj Mahal, in my opinion, the most beautiful, most striking, most impressive curry house, on the edge where the lions, tigers and crocodiles are. Yeah, well I can't because I'm here in Peckham after an arduous three-day bus journey. we finally got to the place Ryanair said we were flying two unlikely lines from a TV detective show I cut myself on a glass in your bar I would throw it in the trash if I were you because I'm Katulski, the HIV positive detective, it was simple, I just searched the fingerprints of the detective novel on Google.

I like his music, but that's too Miss Marple. We don't have evidence or forensic things. Nothing. We don't know what's going on, don't worry, just pin it to the black one so all the suspects are linked. Thomas. knows Mallinson mandersohn knows the victim and they all live in the apartment well what do I know? I'm just the window cleaner, so what can we say about these bait marks on the breasts? We can say that I shouldn't be left alone with her. To be honest, Watson, I don't care. I'm cooked to the tits. If you think he is Murder on the Orient Express you should try the shuttle service between Glasgow and Edinburgh, where is Inspector Frost Khan?

I saw him just a moment ago leaning on the hatch of that wine bar over there, they must have collapsed in the skyscraper, that's what you hit, but I'm not going to answer any more of your questions, Miss Marple, Michael Jackson , we have been interrogating her. for days and this is your defense, you blame the boogie, well, he has the profile of a murderer, see you.