McConnell Walks Away | Trump’s Creepy Putin Infatuation | House GOP’s Russian Spy Scandal

Welcome out here, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea to The Late Show. I'm your host, Stepen Colar, and everyone knows everyone. You've all heard this great news from Washington DC today because this just happened this afternoon. A while ago, Mitch McConnell announced that he will resign as Republican leader of the Senate, but is it true? He won't step down until November because at 82, that's how long it takes him to make the move. McConnell made his announcement on the Senate floor and then I walked fondly down memory lane. My career in the United States Senate began in the midst of the Reagan Revolution.

The truth is that when I got here I was glad that someone remembered my name. President Reagan called me Mitch O'Donnell close enough. I thought well, that's it. Very big of you, dumb bitch, he's not very nice, he's not, he's not very the smart choice. I've had my differences with Mitch McConnell over the years, that's no secret, but the truth is, he's an old man who served in our Senate for almost four decades, so I just want to put politics aside for a while. moment and honestly say, yesterday, both parties held their primaries in the great state of Michigan and on the Democratic side, yes, thank you, and on the Democratic side, Biden won with 81% of the vote. the vote 81% 1% for every year he has been alive and God help us that joke Works came in second behind Biden was uncommitted at 13.3% now this was the result of an organized campaign to register discontent over the policies of Biden on Israel and was designed to be a warning to young progressive voters and Arab American Democrats, so these are people who previously supported Biden, they just wanted to send him a message to change his behavior, it's like telling a child who can't eat dessert until he cleans his room. and find out who gets Jerusalem.

The next highest vote getter was Maryann Williamson, who got 3% even though she had already dropped out of the race. That result inspired her to suspend her campaign today. That is definitive proof that she is an optimist. She always sees the glass. as a full 3%, Williamson beat a candidate still in the race Dean Phillips, who got 2.7% after Phillips tweeted if you bother me for the audacity of challenging Joe Biden, at least you'll appreciate the relatively strong that I'm making it look. among primary voters, yeah, that's like a guy telling his ex, hey, you gotta admit, thanks to me, sex with your new boyfriend must seem great, but Dean Dino, dude, I can see how you feel depressed, so let's talk a little.

Hey friend, sometimes in life you take a big turn and it just doesn't work out. We've all had moments where we tried hard and then lost in a protest vote and the lady who wasn't running for you might feel like I don't want to show your face right now, but listen to me Dean Phillips, go out there and keep your head up. Because no one knows what your face looks like. Now they are strong. Everyone hurts. On the Republican side, Donald Trump. He easily beat Nikki Haley, but there were some warning signs for him in every primary so far.

Trump has done significantly worse than polls predicted in advance in Iowa he underperformed by two points in New Hampshire it was seven points in South Carolina he did worse by eight points and last night he underperformed by 15 points if this trend continues in November he will get Negative 23% of the votes yes or as he calls it Total victory as usual, as usual Trump did particularly poorly with college-educated voters, possibly because they all had to take the prior polii 101 course introduction for not voting for Hitler there is also good news surely not Hitler oh oh there is good news about the government we still have one because it is just this afternoon this afternoon lawmakers reached an agreement to avoid a US government shutdown .is good, but didn't we do this three other times in the last six months?

Why are we celebrating something that should always happen? What the deal does not contain is funding for Ukraine thanks to House Speaker and Simon's evil squirrel, Mike Johnson, now the president, the president, the president of the United States Senate. Republicans and Democrats support Ukraine funding, so yesterday there was a big meeting at the White House where Johnson was cornered over Ukraine aid by Chuck Schumer President Biden and Mitch McConnell gave Johnson the good old cop the good old cop could be the chief cop the whole free world the whole free world is after helping Ukraine now this week the foreigners The Polish Minister addressed Johnson directly saying: I would like Mike Johnson to know that the whole world is watching and that if If the bill were not passed and Ukraine suffered setbacks on the battlefield, it would be their responsibility, adding that I cannot believe the fate of the world is in the hands of a man whose son receives a phone alert when he says he is rubbing mustard on himself. in his kil now kilbas delicious kilbas besides that 23 European parliaments have S Mike Johnson an open letter urging him to provide aid to Ukraine 23 countries the The only thing that unites Europeans more than Mike Johnson are the strange foot baths and the pants tight enough to show the outline of Mike Johnson.

Now it's no mystery in case you're wondering why Republicans in Congress don't support Ukraine and that reason is his name is Donald Trump, he's kind of loved by Putin and we found out how much he loves him by former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull seen here trying to discreetly determine if your finger smells like butt not discreetly that's discreetly turull was on an Australian news program and described his experience at International Summits watching Trump meet with Putin. I've been with Trump and Putin, uh, Trump is in awe of Putin, he's, uh, when you see Trump with Putin, like I have on a few occasions, he's like the 12 year old. old man who goes to high school and meets the captain of the football team, my hero, he's really

creepy

.

Okay, that's an insulting comparison to 12-year-olds if one of them is a 12-year-old if he's 12. A one-year-old met Putin, he wouldn't idolize him, he'd look him straight in the eyes and say, "Wait." , we're the same height," but if you want to see Russian influence on the Republican Party, look no further than his phony impeachment. Joe Biden, what they hope to achieve by attacking Hunter Biden Hunter was at the Capitol today to testify in front of the impeachment committee. Now we don't know what he said, but we do know that the Republican case is imploding thanks to his star.

Witness Alexander Smirnov seen here was not seen here in 2020. smov told his FBI handler that he could testify that the owner of the Ukrainian energy company Barisma had arranged to pay $5 million in bribes to both President Biden and his son Hunter, it's okay, that's what you do. I would call a smoking gun, okay if it was smoking or if it was a gun, turns out it was just a finger and yeah, it smells like ass, now it's worth it, there, now, now, back then, the FBI warned the Republicans that this information was not verified, but that does not stop them from betting. his whole case about this clown key now turns out that it could have been an Oopsy Daisy because now smov has been accused of lying to the FBI and creating false records and has admitted that he had been given information about Hunter Biden from Russian intelligence services on Republicans in Congress attempting to impeach the President of the United States based on false information sent directly to Capitol Hill by the Kremlin at any other time in human history, this would be a

scandal

of such magnitude and severity that it would tip the Earth out of its orbit. around the sun but you don't hear much about it because half the media in the United States focuses on the

scandal

of the old man is old and likes ice cream now now I like ice cream too now that there is a star Witnesses behind it from the bars Republicans are retreating like a modified circus bear on a unicycle to last week.

Keep in mind that until last week they called this man a highly credible and reliable informant who was a very crucial piece of their investigation, but now this is what they say. It wasn't a major part of the case, but it was a tip that we should investigate talking about smaroff, he is part of this puzzle, he is a very small piece, right, yes, he is a micro piece, bad news, guys, there is no such thing like a micro Russian piece. spy if your hot dog has at least a micro piece of excrement it is a excrement dog everyone is an excrement dog we have a great show for you tonight my guests are Chris Hayes and Carrie Preston but when we return I have good news In other countries there are also a lot of stupid people that stay