Master the minefield - dealing with bullies, bozos & buffoons | Jeanne Sullivan | TEDxBarnardCo

Why am I talking to you about unpleasant people in the business world? I have spent many years in the business and technology sector. I am very proud to have been one of the few female venture capitalists and to have served that world. Played in that world. I enjoyed that world. for over 25 years it's been exciting, but when I thought about what I wanted to talk to you about today, it wasn't about financing your business, it wasn't about growing your company, it was about

dealing

with

bullies

,

bozos

and

buffoons

. It's not something you learn in school there's one thing I know: you can't be nasty you have to be bold and you have to learn to stand up to step forward and speak now let me tell you about some of the quirky people that are in the business world, have you ever seen the movie The Devil Wears Prada?

Miranda that condescending look that look in her eyes nothing was right I once worked on a project with my team for over 80 hours a week, not a word that was very hard on us, she sucked the oxygen out of the room and you know what which I loved in the days she was traveling, that was a good day, you know, my first boss was like Miranda and she was the Heck, but she didn't even wear Prada, have you ever worked with someone who just didn't appreciate any of what you did? It doesn't feel good, believe me, so I moved to a different part of the organization and who is my office mate, but miss, rude and lewd. and raw, no filter in her mouth, one day we had a big corporate event and a photo, let me take you there, a photo of a large auditorium with about 300 people, I got an award, how naive was I to think she would say anything supportive , did you know? she said said why did you win that award these are true stories I haven't made any of this up and at later events she would say things recurring themes like why are you going to that conference why did you get promoted why are you leading that team nothing I said it was ever right thing, in fact the things I said were just catnip and never worked.

Have you ever had someone touch your hot spots all the time? Then there's this guy, Mr. Passive Aggressive oh boy I never knew what would come next with this guy, this was very hard for me, now he wasn't lewd or rude and he didn't scream but he did things like this, he made us build to all. This big presentation that he asked for we were never able to present, in fact, he would do things like this, roll his eyes and look at his watch if we spoke in a meeting, do you know how much it hurts?

That's really hard, so I got my first big executive job and here was mr. passive-aggressive his actions always made me feel small and doubting myself so there's this guy didn't you happen to see Whiplash? How many of you have seen the following slide? Did you see Whiplash? JK Simmons is amazing right, how many of you watched? this movie is already playing currently, it's such grandiose screams like that makes the drummer play better, you know, and I had more than a couple of bosses who acted this way, in fact, I was on the boards of some directors executives who always acted. this way and the fellow board members acted this way it was very difficult to deal with this I got my dream job and there was a monster under the bed now let me tell you this is my most important message we will keep taking the lessons until Let's learn them We have to learn to

master

the

minefield

of these manipulative people or they will make us miserable.

This is really very difficult and it is very important to learn these things, so I certainly had to learn how to drive. You know, you might think that you'll be happy once you're successful, but that's not really how it works. Research actually shows that you will be much more successful if you are happy and practice that happiness. You are more creative, but there are things you can do. look nodding your head, you've been there with unpleasant bosses, you can learn to step up. I learn to step up to the plate with excellence whenever I can with my coworkers.

I learned to talk loudly and with big guys like in whiplash. Don't expect any repairs. Like in the movie or any kind of thank you talk that only happens in Hollywood, it's very important to understand that there actually is a Workplace Bullying Institute and it has actually measured that over 72 percent of the people in the workplace work have observed bullying or have been part of that world and been bullied. I tell you this so you don't feel alone. I think it's very important to know, so I would say that you just learn how to act, how to speak.

Handling these situations is like a business problem. You have to learn to handle it. It would be helpful if you had the velvet hammer. This is being direct but respectful. I learned how to use that velvet hammer. And you know, my fellow board members always shoot me. CEO and guess what, most of them are still my friends so it's important to do it but let me tell you some stories. Last year I took time off for the first time and worked on my golf game and I had one of the best teaching professionals I've ever had, a woman of course, and she told me this great story about Grace under fire , she was playing with Kevin and Kevin was throwing his sticks and he was so obnoxious that, in fact, he was ruining the entire afternoon for everyone. and Heather said Kevin what's going on with you and he said I want to hit the ball like you hit the ball Heather and she said Kevin you're 70 years old I'm 43 I've been playing golf my whole life I'm a professional golfer you'll never hit the ball like me I hit the ball.

Kevin use what you got, talk about grace under fire, she wasn't going to let that idiot give her a bad day, that's what I love about the story and then a couple. Years ago I was invited to an all-women's poker night. You know, I was just looking at my hand and I had one bad hand after another. What I do? I kept looking for $20 bills and you know what I noticed. The other women they were. having bad hands too, but they were doing something else, they were folding and I realized that if you want to win you have to keep guessing which one I was the big winner that night, now I don't think I have all the answers, it was just a few weeks ago I went to Stanford for parents night to visit my niece Jackie, my sister was there.

I happen to be in Silicon Valley, so I met all of them for dinner and told Jackie about today and this discussion and told her about someone. who drove me crazy for many years and she said well, what did you learn?, what did you take away? and I just mumbled something. I didn't even give her a good answer and you know what she said, I don't think that You conquered this, oh my God. I was really in control, which is the power people can have over you, and I was silent the rest of the night. You know why I realized she was right, so I thought about it in the days after. and I realized that she hadn't spoken the whole way, you see, these people can give you a long line of misery and that's why I'm passionate about this topic.

I think it's really important, so it might have helped if she had something like this. A gadget called a jerk meter invented by two MIT computer scientists measures tone of voice what's going on with feelings what's going on what's being communicated don't you think this should be on the Apple Watch but until we can buy this gadget let me ? give yourself the three tools for success you don't have to be unpleasant but you do have to be daring make up the mantra for yourself the one I use is I am enough that keeps me grateful and keeps me away from the sharp elbows and come mentality If you say it with me, you have to learn to stand up to step forward and speak.