Living with Extreme Highs and Lows of Bipolar II Disorder

Hello, I'm Dr. Dan Hale, co-director of the Johns Hopkins Congregational Depression Awareness Program. Today I have with me Ms. Leticia Higgs, who helped us with the development of the program and offered to share with us some of her experiences with a

disorder

. that includes bouts of depression, so welcome Leticia and thank you for offering to talk to us today thank you, thank you, okay, so let me start by asking you, you know? Can you share with us what it's like to have

bipolar

disorder

, the ups and downs. challenges that come with it, so for me I'm

bipolar

.

I was actually diagnosed with bipolar 2 and it can be very exhausting because I am always challenging my thoughts. I'm always trying to make sure that those things that I have. I'm thinking, you know, it's just what it is at the time or it's just that my emotions are getting too involved and what I tell people is that I feel all the emotions that everyone else feels, but I feel them more intensely, you know? when I'm angry I'm

extreme

ly angry, when I'm happy I'm

extreme

ly happy, then it's like I feel those emotions even more intensely and for me it can be exhausting to feel those emotions more intensely than most people, so, um, I have I have to constantly work to manage them because one of the things I don't want, I want it, I don't want my man, my emotions to manage me, I want to learn to master and manage my emotions for me with bipolar 2 disorder, I don't.

I don't have mania, but I experience hypomania and I'm going to be honest, I prefer hypomania to depression because with hypermania I can get things done, I'm more productive, I'm more focused, but when it comes to depression. It's very exhausting it's like what I explained to you was like a big dark cloud over you and you know that when it's raining and there's a dark cloud there's nothing you can do about it until the cloud passes, the rain just passes by you. you put on your raincoat, you use an umbrella and then you go through life until it stops raining and that's what depression is like for me, it's like when it comes there's nothing I can do but deal with it, so I put on my raincoat, you know that raincoat? for me, you know, maybe talking to friends or leaving the house, I use my umbrella with that, for me that would be prayer, that would be meditation, there will be scripture reading that will make sure that I still take my medications sometimes.

Even going as far as putting on a raincoat or using an umbrella, when that cloud of depression hits, sometimes it's just being able to get out of bed and take a shower because that's how I get depressed sometimes, I can't tell you why. but it feels so intense and it's the worst feeling, I don't like it at all, so that depression can be very debilitating. Yes, I'm sleepy. In fact, you know, even with medication, a lot of people think that with medication. It just takes it away and in my case I'm not saying the depression goes away, but the medication helps me manage it much better than without it, so I still have my up and down days. down days, but I can handle it a lot better, so I say all this to say that last weekend I had to deal with, you know, a depressive episode and so what did I do?

I had to put on my raincoat. I had to get my umbrella and for me that was getting in the shower even though I got in the shower late but it was getting in the shower and thank God I have a cat because my cat won't let me lie in bed for too long because one, she wants to eat and two, she always watches me, so she smells my face, so it's okay, I get up, so you know, my cat is my help, so I get up, I get in the shower and It just happened that I had something scheduled with my friends to meet up with a group of my friends that night.

Normally with depression, sometimes I'd cancel it because I'm so depressed, but I was determined not to let this get the better of me, so what? What I did was I went to that event anyway, I had a great time and it helped me with the depression, so it was like my raincoat on my umbrella, it was like I had to make sure I went because if I stayed in a house, I would just It was going to get worse. worse, it's definitely debilitating and that's why I prefer that I love, I probably shouldn't say that, but I prefer hypomanic episodes in depressive episodes because I can't concentrate, it's hard to concentrate, it's hard and it's not.

It's not like you have thoughts of distress, it's me, you just feel exhausted and depressed, it's more than just an emotional feeling, it's physical, it's physical and you're tired, you're just so exhausted it feels so heavy I may as well You um, give us a little bit of your story and I'm thinking here, particularly looking back, now, as this started to unfold, are there things that you wish you had done differently, I wish that when I got my diagnosis, I took it Seriously, um, one. of the reasons why it was hard for me to take him seriously because I was diagnosed in the hospital I was hospitalized and um and that's how I found out my diagnosis um when I was hospitalized I was hospitalized and originally it was my diagnosis with depression because that's what I kept telling him. , that's what I was feeling, but then when I started sharing more of my story, that's when the diagnosis came, I know you're actually dealing with a depressive episode, but you're diagnosed with bipolar type. 2, so when I was in the hospital and I started looking for it at first I didn't want to accept the diagnosis of either depression or especially bipolar disorder because my understanding of bipolar disorder is pretty much what others who don't really know. about this is that erratic behavior people call crazy you don't know how to be one way have one emotion one day and another emotion this day no one you know be unstable and um, I had a family member who had bipolar disorder and In the moment he was diagnosed he was diagnosed manic depressive, which we know is that at first you know what he was bipolar, so he didn't want to be like that.

I thought no, there's no way it can be like that because That's not, it wasn't, you know, the behaviors that she exhibited, she didn't want to be like that at all, she was abusive, she was mean, she was manipulative, she was controlling, but I had to learn that you know it manifests in different people. and people in different ways, but one of the reasons I said, going back to what I was saying before, I didn't want to accept it because I didn't want to believe that that was me because I didn't have a good understanding. I looked at bipolar disorder with the same stigma that others would see it, and not only that while I was there studying it in the midst of my struggle in the hospital and admitting myself struggling to accept this diagnosis, a nurse in the psychiatric part where I entered sits at my side and she says nothing is wrong with you nothing is wrong with you just pray for it you will be okay we stronger than this we are better than this so of course when she says we, she is another African American woman and she tells me this and I feel like this , I don't want to be weak, you know, I don't want people to talk about me, I don't want if yes.

I'm at this hospital that's supposed to specialize in mental disorders and mental health and illnesses and things like this and the nurse that this hospital hired tells me this, so I don't want to accept this diagnosis, so I didn't accept it. um when I did what I had to do to get out of the hospital, meaning I heard, yeah, I went to all my groups, I took my medication, but I would say once I got out, I didn't, I didn't stay consistent. my medication um and then I wasn't consistent in my therapy and that led to me getting into more trouble later because I'm on and off medication, which is not good and I got into a lot of trouble later. along the way and I was hospitalized about six more times in a two year period and that's when I finally found out, in that same hospital, another nurse came up to me and said: you know that no one can fight harder for your life than you and I'm like wow, okay, it's time to fight because I can't, I can't come back here again, I can't do this again and that's when I started taking this seriously and because of my experience with the first nurse, it's that's why I became a Mental Health Advocate because I wanted to fight the stigma associated with mental health because I can only imagine how many other people are struggling with a mental health condition and don't want to get help or don't want to accept it. what is wrong and be consistent with your health or treatment plan because there is a stigma associated with that.

Well, you've given us two good examples, one of an interaction with someone who was not helpful to you and another was someone who was. Are there other examples? to look back again, uh, what people did that was useful and the things they did that weren't useful, oh wow, so only a couple of each worked well, so I'll start with the examples that weren't useful, one revealing. for me to come out of this is like I could really I would like someone who chooses to feel it's like I explained to someone once that depression the feeling is like going through the stages of grief in an unexpected moment when you least expect it when you don't.

You want, the stages of grief are there and you and you don't know why you're grieving, you don't know why you're going through all of this, you're just having these intense emotions and so if I could get out of this, I would really know, so I would get out. about this or pray about it or it's like you don't have enough faith, those are some of the worst things you know people could say to you. because it made me feel worse because it made me feel like they were telling me it was my fault I was sick, they made me feel like I wasn't weak and then I thought about it after thinking it was just no, for me to get up every day and learning to manage these emotions in order to live life successfully, that takes a lot of strength you know, so I had to start telling myself that I am much stronger than what others would do.

Tell me, but what helps those people who don't judge my moments of depression as weakness, but you know I wouldn't want my friends to know I was going through that, so she called me and said, come on, you're getting out of bed. you have to go you have to come, you know, so friends who understand that they're not um they're empathetic, which means they are, they're not going to let you sit there and go into that sunken place that's hard to get out of, but they're not going to let you. to push so hard and they won't be as understanding when they tell you things like oh you can get over it, just relax, look my friends last weekend didn't say that. and saying no you have to leave the house because they knew if I stayed in the house everything was going to get worse um so things like that like I said having a pet because animals with my cat and me she just wants to be fed and she doesn't care if I'm in a bed sleeping tired she's like don't get up and feed me and um I had a dog at one point before he passed away and it was him he was like no come on let's take me for a walk so it was um just having animals um that helped me uh just the ones that I think what I love the most is because okay, I'm in this dating scene right now, right, okay, it's worse, right? now, but those people that I dated who took the time to understand what bipolar disorder was not only judged me, but I met some people who went back and researched and looked up articles when I said and when I did. send them articles they read about it ask me questions you know ask me what my triggers were try to avoid the ones that meant a lot to me you know why I felt like you really wanted to get to know me oh that's cool, that's cool, it's nice to have those people around, yeah, and I know you've made a good life for yourself and again I appreciate your contributions to our program so tell us a little bit about your life now and where treatment fits right now so I say my constant in my treatment right now I'm on medication I'm taking two types of medications one during the day and one at night because I know that if I don't take my nighttime medication and I can't sleep, I know I'm going to get hypomania and although I love the feeling of fibromania, right behind it comes depression, so I try to take, you know, make sure I take my medication so I can stay stable, so I'm on my medication, um, because I transferred, you know, I got moved from from one place from one state to another, it's been a little bit. hard to find a therapist but one thing I will do is continue taking my medication because I haven't found a therapist yet.

I knew I still needed it. I love talk therapy, so I joined. a support group, I joined a local Nami support group here, that helps a lot. One of the things I'm doing, I said I'm a mental health advocate. I started my own YouTube channel and podcast where I share interviews with others. are dealing with a mental health condition, but I don't just interview anyone who has it. I am looking for those who live successfully and thrive so I can show everyone that they can have this and still live successfully. have this and still thrive and meet all your goals so I'm very happy to say that every person that I've interviewed on the podcast or because it's also featured on youtube, they all have wonderful success stories where yes I've been through different problems from different experiences, you know, but his recovery process, you just know, IIt helps erase the stigma and that's what I'm trying to do, erase the stigma associated with mental health, I'm still in ours. voice host for nami so i still share my story of how i was diagnosed with mental health with bipolar disorder and the different experiences i've had from that.

Let's see, I recently started my own company, so I'm working on a for-profit company. so I'm working on it trying to get that, I just signed it up so I'm trying to get it off the ground and so I want to go back and coach others that are dealing with mental health, you know, no, I know. I can't, I'm not a therapist, but I want to be a personal trainer to say hey, if I can do it and show you how to follow the steps that you know along with your treatment plan, then that's what I'm trying. that's what I'd like to do and so I want to be able to connect others to my resources that I've used to help me get to where I need to be, so those are just some of the things that I'm doing.

Right now, well, thank you, thank you for all those things that you're doing now, thank you for helping us put this program together and thank you for being here today and sharing this, it's been very informative and helpful.