Laughing and Joking (2013) FULL SHOW | Jimmy Carr

well let's get started good night fantastic could be described as the hardest working man in comedy not that impressive is he the hardest working man in comedy? That's like being the cutest guy in the burn unit, no offense twenty burn victims were there only if there's one that would be a lot tend to stick together and we're outside someone approached me outside when I thought you'd be younger I said I was I'm 40 but girls They still stared at me I wouldn't care but they're so obvious they point out and whisper strange dangers every night after the

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I have attractive women knocking on my dressing room door and sometimes I let them out. I don't need comedy. groupies here tonight any joke hang any laugh the only reason i'm asking is if any girls came to me after the

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looking for sex i'm gonna have to let them down i move on we can AB set X will only be pretty disappointing I wouldn't lie to you if you like to win a dachshund in an alley looking for information some of you wanted ok i'm a comedian tv host actor and writer people ask me what's your secret i'm the m4 rapist just kidding I have never been unfairly accused. rape we all like a big yes that's the one thing we all have in common in this room we all like to laugh it's a very british thing i think i walk out of an evening with the express intention of just

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here's a great fact about this country the average person in britain laughs out loud ten times a day not everyone obviously if you work in a hospice or with adults with learning disabilities it could be ten times the limit yes thats my laugh , who is someone who said my life was weird my life isn't weird it's wrong because you're meant to laugh at a sprout i thought you wanted to laugh at a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha he asked the other day is it fake why do you pretend they say that Laughter is the best medicine so maybe just maybe if we all keep

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at people in wheelchairs I was in a show recently I don't know if anyone has had this experience I was in a spec show watching a band and standing right under the fire escape while watching a band play point on with a mate chilling out and a local lady came up to us in the little vest and name plate appeared - excuse me I'll have to move because if there's a fire, it's blocking the exit. i said i'll tell you what love if there's a fire i'll move you thought i'd do in case of a fire just stay there come in no one move why everything has turned orange and hot i don't like it oh Mobile phones off i should have said that on top of the official mobile phone show courtesy to the other patrons in the auditorium i say mobile phones what i mean is there are phones no one has brought landline it's them let's face facts the landline is dead when the landline he enters our house there is a panic the bed what is it that we are both here many people send text messages while driving.

I'm not excusing him, but we've all done things we regret when we're drunk. I saw something on the news that bad drivers go. to put me in the place of hundred pound fines I thought it was a bit sexist you got it yeah you did it in suji texas how could it be my best friend is a trouser? Oh if he is sexist you could be the judge on this sorry for being rude but no do you think chat lines are sexist? No, they are not. They are fun at the time. trunk of my car I don't know if this has ever happened to any of you I was checking into a hotel recently It's around one in the morning after a concert in Manchester I walked into the reception area and the guy recognized me what no sir car, we put them in a handicap room in a regular room and a handicap room and he said the handicap rooms have a walk in shower.

I have a question for you ladies, gentlemen, does anyone in this room believe in ghosts and supernatural spirits? and things like that, which allowed you, it's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted, it's not, but I'm being cynical, but that's this job, being a comedian, I think it makes you a little cynical, huh? Has anyone here actually seen it? a ghost well what did you see ma'am tell us a story what did you see I'm not I make you nervous he's seen the walking dead it doesn't really show me in a good line he's gone where were you when you saw? the apparition you were at a friend's house a certain his stepfather was mumbling i think i could have solved this case there is already a stepfather involved he was there ectoplasm girl what were you upstairs it was you you ate his son's bedroom of course you were loved he had died you should i mentioned that sooner rather than later you started looking weird i love this there is a special name for people who have seen ghosts schizophrenic all the best with your future a pretty deep story i'll leave it at that stepdad he did something terrible and you've recoded that memory and of course not all fat people are cheerful, some of them are women, it shouldn't mean that fat girls have feelings, mostly they are hungry, sonia's joke is that it's just kind of funny.

I said it the other Gaga night. I guess I'm offended, possibly I'm just hungry every time I'm in the gym locker room. I'm always embarrassed by the fact that my penis is so much bigger than everyone else's, but to be fair, they are erect Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls blowing themselves up on Palestinian passports. under occupation did they just put Israel? He's only there to test where Guardian readers are sitting. he guided me on that recently he came to see gay Kenny when you talk about sex all the time you're obsessed I said well I'm not obsessed but sex is the great universal topic for comedy it's still pretty taboo to talk about it openly in public everyone is interested, everyone's leaning forward and there's a lot of tension around sex and where you find that kind of tension it's also a great place to find laughs so sex is a great subject for comedy but it's hard to stand in front of you good people and talk. about sex without sounding crude to try to mitigate that to try to alleviate that tonight if i mean a vagina at some point i'll call it a twinkle cave so Dara was licking our twinkle cave while deep swallowing my tummy banana it's nice be nice, right?

I saw a woman wearing a top that said super dry on the front. I said if you were thinking lube or HRT, maybe a little Ozzy charm. You know the term Ozzy charm? australian charm you are us Wow very nice look from the ladies of London as if to say well I didn't know it had a name but yeah my girlfriend just so happens to buy a t-shirt for £80 that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt ok? agreement? it's a D and a G on the front I guess it's only fair that one boob is bigger than the other oh I thought my girlfriend was scum when she told me she was a thirty second lover and then I realized that I was talking about the time there is a minimum level of understanding they can ask you to leave my ideal woman would be a single mother once I finished with her the joke I pay for the abortion I have a stick for you again let's talk about something a little more Serious Carl I'll be a slapstick about abortion.

I am my first wife was from Thailand. Don't do it because you'll feel bad, so she's a pretty sad story. My first wife was from Thailand and she died of testicular cancer. Probably the best way to describe it is a twinkle cave was in our tea I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt I thought our sh oops a lot of balls let's hear from all the straight men in the room can gerald do a sex men ad? I guess from that expression, come on, which one is straight? I'm not taking chances, maybe that's how they recruit them more.

The annoying thing my sister does is that she shows a talkative man who is the most annoying that interrupts me. I have concerts unlike you. More people join. He jokes right at the punchline and someone says everything is invariably the same so it's worse erlan where is olin? I think we all knew he was a trap. I could feel you going to grab, oh, and then some brave soul in there said no. Now I keep one for the team and not for your dad. of them are lesbians if you're lesbian and you didn't find it funny you're surprising no one I already have lesbians I know my gaydar is more or less perfected in this this couple down hello how are you - you're right you're guide for a couple your marriage congratulations fabula city will you be married since october omg it's new and fresh are you done consummating the relationship?

You don't know when you're done, is that one of the problems with your lifestyle choice? minute, so if they're married, they're committed to each other, well maybe it's a crazy question because they're in this long-term relationship and they love each other, but what would it take to get them back on track? a definite no on your a maybe it's ok i love my job i take what i'm going to do a test and see if we have other sisters in the rooms if there are other lesbian sisters like i'm a lesbian i have the haircut come on i look alike to KD Lang, could go there the only t.

This is the heterosexuality of the other ladies in the room, just a simple question to test these ladies, have they read Fifty Shades of Grey? Everyone has read it, but they love that book. the best selling book last year what the world is coming to was the best selling book last year i can prove it last year the wettest on record i think it is a very interesting book because although it is not a great work of literature it is more of a booster writing is interesting because it's ladies' porn that's right i'm in that book it's in our houses isn't it?

Fifty Shades of Gray is at our house we haven't even picked it up we are not looking at your porn ladies we are not interested in your kind of porn we are very happy with the broadband service provided women consume porn in a way very different the genres are very different in our consumption probably here is a fact gentleman that will blo With what you think about women consumption of pornography women watch porn movies to the end you know why what to see if they get married well it's probably a good time to talk about how political correctness works in stand up comedy because some people think it's a free for all you can say whatever you want on stage because of the free speech but that's not the case there are rules and regulations that govern what i do basically how political correctness works in stand up comedy is if you're d directly affected. for something or involved in something you get a free pass you can joke about that for example gay people can joke about being gay disabled people can joke about disability black or asian people can joke about race those are the rules so these two pedophiles walk into a park child abuse there is a sensitive issue i saw a headline in the paper saying please break the pedophile ring i thought ok let's hear what they like the only teachers on tonight are for sho where the teachers that were allowed to teach on you were very hard on their teachers half the year five hours a day.

I'm not going to block it. I could never do what you guys do for a living, not because it's hard. In fact, I have a bit of a soft spot for teachers. I used to date the teacher and she was lovely but if everyone wanted sex she always insisted on raising my hand first, that's ruder than it sounds. You are welcome. do you have any special needs teachers in your teaching especially oh there was a scream there what's your name mother Danielle very nice to have you on everything i was going to say about special needs teachers you are the best and the brightest imho the best and brightest teachers well i can prove it we all know teachers socially yes we have those teachers and those teachers always complain oh i got homework to mark tonight not you hey Danielle you ain't grading daddy's paintings . are you your night an are you your own fair game ya see the other teachers working on no I didn't think of her sorry you used to teach at my school in Bernal grammar you didn't know when I was there? from your from your from Belfast right Iran today I will only say what you told me at home you are teaching here so you in the witness relocation scheme on the lawn seeing what you teach what subject what sorry English you could barely Speak, pronounce.

I did the countdown recently, the tv show, not directly, the special needs brother. Anika asked when I did the countdown. When did he count? it's her when you meet her and it wasn't like a rhetorical question they wanted me to answer and i thought i should be able to say how attractive she is to a coworker and a friend without sounding misogynistic without being sexist she shouldn't let me be the judgeRachel Riley let me put it this way I would crawl on broken glass to suck off the last man I even don't think overdoing I like to blow your brains out takes ages I must warn you there will be some audience participation tonight my apologies and the only reason why What I explicitly mention is because sometimes an hour someone asks a direct question and he gets a little flustered.

I think it's because they used to see me on TV, so when you ask them a direct question. They did it. It's happening. I did not press the red bonus. We are all interactive. I have a wonder

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y flushed guy the other day front and center. you went you married you're single you're single in the girl next to mine it's not how could you there's a lovely little pause someone i think i might be single now who sees me live sooner gives a whoop well you'll know every year my friend chris does artwork for me , but I write jokes.

The inks are a little east of tarik. They require a visual element to

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y enjoy them. Would you like to see them well? Otherwise, I would be gutted. You'll have a quiet moment, which would be nice. I'll start with some thoughts and ideas I've had recently, so if you like looking at flowers but can't be asked to do gardening, just run over a kid outside your house, come on, think you didn't think, come on. bonfire night I hope our neighbors keep their pets locked up because there's something about fireworks that makes me very horny. They are goalies if they travel fast enough when they get on the pavement.

What worries me when I hear that kids in the third world work 18 hour days to make my sneakers is when they will get a chance to finish my laptop. I was in a hotel having breakfast and the w aiter told me he said do you want white or whole wheat toast I said Otto Brown demands yours on a bun anytime a bowl of walnuts on a bar will have 17 different types of urine and that's why they They call Wayne Rooney peanuts, where's the number 10 jersey or, as he calls it, the stick and circle? All the celebrities get plastic surgery these days.

Killeen Rooney just got a job done. It's a tear transplant. My friend believes that football violence and aggressive behavior are caused by primitives. tribal rivalries that are projected onto opposing teams and then expressed through over-the-top displays of loyalty, but he's aligned with Goona so we can suck all that moaning and grunting out of me in women's tennis, reminds me of the sex I'm watching on TV. screen masturbating to explain spot fix on cricket is what happens when someone i never heard does something i don't understand in the middle of something i don't care about spiders i used to give me or ghtmares to someone else yeah so i do what i did is i stopped eating them right before better of course the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is you are probably australian are any australians welcome back?

I don't like Sue, I prefer to see lions, tigers, elephants and bears in their natural environment, the circus, there is someone here who is afraid of clowns, your fairy clan, sir, actually there is a special name for the people who they fear clowns, mummies, little Bender, this may interest you, although clowns must be registered. his facial design to make sure other sex offenders don't use it midgets are often overlooked i can say that and admire myself and gift us another midget joke don't you want to know about midgets very short he's a random occurrence it's random, but it's true one in 10 british children is now conceived in an ikea bed true how it works is their parents have a flat pain to stop B and then screw until the nuts tighten in 2009 nadya suleman from california gave bi of octuplets, two daughters and six sons, earning her the nickname Octomom, though she's also known as the giganto snatch, those babies will be in before she falls.

I think the men in the room will be able to relate to this. Abbey, but I want to go out and get a new girlfriend. I thought it would be okay for me to have sex with other women because my girlfriend and I were on break, but apparently I ruined that weekend at Center Parks. story about pasha place i have been. Last year I was invited to Clarence House, where Charles and Camilla live in central London. I have been participating in this hospice for two years. Tara T because I'm a great guy not because that was peer pressured no no no maybe a little bit anyway I'm in on this so Camilla is the patron of this great charity so she organized drinks a concert and dinner at his house to thank his company. sponsors and get more people to donate money raise some money raise awareness for that kind of thing in her house no she hosted this event so we are all in her living room literally Charles Camilla's living room is the most beautiful kind of ceilings in Lahaie most ornate and and and they have the tv in the corner ledger like normal people but every square inch of mantel, shelf and sideboard has a beautiful object given to them by dignitaries visitors or have picked up on her extensive world travels it's a very intimidating space to be in so we're all just standing there having a drink and she comes over to say hello to everyone and walks up to me and because I'm a jerk like I feel like we've established she comes to me and sees how you're involved and i don't care about that?

Have you seen cash in the attic in a gold mine here and to your credit it is absolutely true. I made that bleed someone to see the Jubilee. I did many things. I had to feature Grace Jones in a good Loeb job, if you can get it. I had to go through security at Buckingham Palace. police officer his only job is to protect our Queen to make sure no one steals our queen and uses her head to photocopy and make his own money and stamps so he approached his armed police officer outside Buckingham Palace . I said security, he went.

Yes, here is his question. He said: Are you a member of Al Qaeda? I said no, as you were. I thought this guy looks funny so I asked him. you, this story has to be confidential, although I told him that he can trust me, he is not a good judge of character, I am also a drug dealer, I don't know, don't be, sir, so he told me the story, said the Reina and a Her entire entourage travels with about 15 people. They went to Glasgow last year. I was opening a store. -at the center for homeless alcoholics of course in glasgow where else would you put it sorry ground zero for homeless alcoholics is their biggest export so the queen is there and she's cutting the ribbon like a ninja and all the usual sighs there's the mayor there's the local dignitaries, there's the chairman of the charity, the people who work in the local office and have a couple of bums, alcoholic bums from Glasgow that the charity has helped elsewhere, dressed and shod, washed and brushed there to meet the Queen. so she could see the people who benefited from her deeds kind of her so the Queen as we all know just has a little schtick which is the question what do you do? that's the only question of hers that she doesn't point like that.

I know mental, but that's the only question, what do you do, that's all she asks, she said to a Scottish alcoholic bum, what do you do? and he's back in pretty epic fashion, he just feels the same way you do. something apparently she was terrified a friend of mine recently a couple of months ago got old school tint on a mac at sunset in a park one of those so how come i wouldn't even though you wouldn't slap her probably would you'd put in the windmill when you, which yeah, got proper old school anyway, flashed and she screamed rape. it happened ma'am tell him he has a funny story or is it distressing in a club in a club someone showed him in the club are you sure it wasn't Dolf with a man in the club he was kissing him I don't understand he is yes and then he showed me the sunrise what happened tell me the story in the middle of the dance floor and i was throwing some shapes in one of these it was to get rid of the guy your friend told her they were lesbians that's how these two sarcastic but then they liked it so they stayed with that i did that i did that job she said we don't like it so someone flat someone has their poo in the middle of their wrists for in a club and you didn't have no sorry we're lesbians you could have told her to go away you're unbelievably polite me I'll make up one excuse not to feel bad.

I don't want the flasher to feel rejected all night. you got busted for flashing go set this up you like me to set the scene for us i've never met anyone flashing a court of piss shorts late at night okay okay you ran into a tree it turned out it wasn't right it was a fat girl go on so you went up to a tree to pee on a rug this doesn't sound terrible so far me I'm on the boys side go ahead there was a woman in the trees so you broke dogging etiquette by pee on someone so you want me to pee on a tr. ee and there was a woman in the tree she's walking fine and she was outside a police station kind of an idiot that's you you went to pee in the police station parking lot why don't you turn yourself in that's a cry for help if any I heard one time I got locked up before I hurt someone and what did she scream she came out what happened they came out and got you arrested for indecent is it because you're a little red headed you think they would have let you go if you hadn't been quire's sorry for these lights too ok we could be giving you skin cancer, ok i think i'm on your side if you're peeing, that's not indecent exposure right? i think we're on this guy's side there's no way to stop pissing off you crazy fool but because there was a woman the other night with a story she said i was blown away and then she told me the story and i wasn't sure what she said four I said there's a new big flash she was yes I was dazzled at Disneyland I said I'm all ears she's help it was at Disneyland Florida I was walking past the hotels at Disneyland and towards the park and I looked over at one of the hotels and the car she was opening the curtains in her bedroom she flashed me I said no she didn't you're a voyeur tom my girlfriend wants a diamond ring and I know that's pretty much all she talks about let's face facts anyway my girlfriend is going to buy a diamond ring like the vagazzler slide I don't really understand vajazzle. is that I know, I know is that they would point out all the hair of your fufu and then they would stratify it.

I say I imagine you get pretty sick and you shine and sometimes you break. You have a shiny crack. You are welcome. It's me. I just don't know who that is for. I have never met a man who told me: I love vaginas. I love it. Laws usually shine when they are lost. you want you what reason was it for lady had a heart because you are ashamed to ask you were ashamed to ask for something spectacular with someone putting glitter on your Fanny but you point to anything embarrassing how adorable and it was for a special occasion or you just thought why not purse reasons basic hygiene your boyfriend might chip a tooth but it was definitely a presbytery thing not a liverpool vajazzle which is just a euphemism for herpes someone else has come across vajazzle he doesn't have herds. i called a bit was you it was your stag party oh you cant remember anything sounds like a liverpool for ultimate jazz no no what happened i get really itchy obviously i could never get jazzer cause i dont have a vajayjay i would consider the glitter balls you know, for a special occasion, oh, speaking of special occasions, there was a couple a couple of weeks ago at one of my concerts. 35 years.

Mary's. I got to chat with them. day and age began to chat with them. I said what do you get him for the anniversary and he said deep fryer. I said well, what does she give you? They left fries and seemed delighted with that arrangement. Nogami chained people on what is the worst. present you received birthday anniversary christmas valentines what is the worst part of you that you have received what war was that so a bit stronger not like what is ok a chair would not what's your name what what sorry Toby Toby do you mind share it? with the band, thank you very much, really, Toby, that makes it so much easier because there's a troublemaker, a good boo, a funny boo, but we've got to make a devil of it, we'll drop it now, God I'd love it if I could just let it slide , but I can.

There are no rules, but he doesn't mind me sharing it with groups, that makes it so much easier. We can go old school. What is it? Stop stagnating. Don't be scared, sir. I have this. I'll have to put it on.waitress Toby's mom is so fat it's a shame Toby your mom is such a beefy monkey Bobble slob sati boom bah t blubber nothing she's so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders had finished the true story sir what did you say stop rambling yeah what's your name are you trying to say Gary look at me Gary yeah yeah yeah that's good Gary if you want me back you'll have to scrape it out of your mother's teeth the worst gifts weren'tWhat is the worst gift?

Sorry, you have a bread maker. I, your husband, bought you a bread maker. I hate the whole concept because the bread makers. Hi Mayor Berry, I spent like £200 on a bread maker. close to shops and bread ain't cheap i'll make my own it's ok because the ingredients cost more than a loaf of bread but don't worry what did you buy her instead of an engagement ring? a bread maker instead of an engagement ring you broke up with hi m ryan you just got divorced from him why did you marry him? I mean he must have been awkward in the office, well this one was nice, brilliant, hey poor thing, any other bad gift you've gotten won't bore a dog. pooper-scooper the air the darkness at that moment yeah you're done with your dog man why don't you know you don't have him anymore?

Oh Toby's mom with him the fat one haha ​​sorry buddy any other bad present what do you get? nothing jesus listen to the bitterness there i think there are worse gifts than nothing so i would like this like women buy hoover's for their other half and it's not just it's not just a gift it's a bit of an al dig less something in the house has some suction well you said you wanted a bag that has so much your welcome there was a girl the other day for a 21st birthday of her Nana noun as mental anyway for her Nana bought her gift wrapped beautifully gift- wrapped an argus catalog with the £2 coin seller taped to the front with what the worst i think a lot of people had learned secret santa you do secret santa at your job tonight nervous you need to get something good for less than a 510 I went out and bought a wide mustache trimmer I was furious not pleasing some people not like she didn't need it and being the best gift is obviously anal sex not for a secret santa that's a mess but I don't it is better to give than to receive and anal sex is the gift that keeps on giving unless you stop giving and whats tears much the worst i think a lot of people bought gift vouchers who listens bought gift vouchers what were you thinking you walked into a store when excuse me i want could you help me i have some money here this is accepted everywhere.

Could you fix it so that it only works in this store for a limited period of time? I must explain that it is a gift and I must idiot. I have met thousands of women in the bible sense and by biblical sense I mean made up women who don't really exist many people just get

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ied away in relationships without really thinking about it we call these people men many men say that when they get together for the first time with a woman they can Initially I don't know if it's real, but I can do it because I have a special little indicator that sticks out.

Come on sit down. What's your name? Adam. I would like to, sir. For living, Alexa, you do a lot of things because I think I saw a card advertising your services. Are you new in town? Good sir, don't let me guess, you're an aspiring presenter. To all you wannabe presenters, I mean, I'll have an American, love my job, gentlemen, do you remember what you were doing the first time you told a woman you loved her? we went out for a drink the other night me and my girlfriend were chatting about w what people think about when they have sex without conversation i would recommend she told me she said what kind of guy does she fantasize about her partner's friends while she's actually having sex with his partner and i said promise me you won't get mad what you think is the most important thing in a relationship he screams he says how long have you been together he wants four years and sex is still the most important thing well you sir are a liar after two years i would give it after two years ok but sex is the most important thing they are ripping their clothes off it is fantastic after two years a star is coming out inside it is coming out pretty fast sky+ and any other thoughts i would most important in a relationship, trust many women who say. trust any other cricket cooking cooking is the most important thing you can tie from a quantum leap if you just got here since 1970 cooking is the most important thing in a relationship have you ever committed giving s someone who makes bread by any chance have you TRUE?

They are not the weirdest answer, the wittiest answer I had recently, it was the most important thing in a relationship and yet when the consent was in Edinburgh, I said the most important thing in relation to you. stop me terrified extreme looking woman gun any other thoughts lube good if you run out of another watery a puncture repair kit funny i like that i deserve more come on any other whats sorry love grow up who are you in a relationship with your my little pony heat and the other thoughts broke your bond funny thing well i dont know that i think a sense of humor is what i look for in a woman because if a woman can see the funny side in life she is much less likely to press charges.

I don't know how you could think to trust me I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship because if you're with a woman and you don't trust her 100 percent how do you know she won't tell your wife? Yes, I love him. It's when a woman says those magic words that mean that she's definitely ready to have sex that night. This drink tastes weird. I'm kidding. You can't taste it. I am not approved. prude this is what i don't like swearing during sex who wants to hear that kind of language especially from a boy all the look you gave me there you prefer a rude boy pretty fair something happened to me recently a little embarrassing i got caught no I thought this could happen when you're an adult My girlfriend caught me masturbating What do you say? better just famous for who his parents are like calum better and peaches geldof and jesus i heard a reporter on sky news say at least one person was killed in a suicide bomb attack obviously that's the bare minimum you need to qualify that it was a burning down a copy of quran in afghanistan i was looking at it thinking that i will never burn a copy of quran because i have a kindle just delete it dont worry i dont care about islamic suicide bombers they can only do it once so hindu suicide bombers are more a threat due to reincarnation. you're wrong.

I was going to talk to you about the terrorist threat levels in this country because our government has chosen the weirdest words for our terrorist threat levels. terrorist threat level for no reason and these are words I don't understand, so right now the terrorist threat level in this country is substantial. I asked a police officer what am I supposed to do with the substance. He said that he be careful. I said fine. I'm not involved john the highest level terrorist threat is how's this for a spooky word imminent the am i meant to do with imminent imagine tight i've never been near a bomb when it's gone off imagine now taking the edge wouldn't and we all know he's not at the highest terrorist threat level the highest terrorist threat level as we all know is that I don't care if this looks racist I'm getting off the bus with a huge backpack and he doesn't need to say these sentences and I'm making one in which middle-class guilt is outweighed by fear.

You know you're in trouble, of course, with these jokes. I can face the wrath of Islam, which I always thought sounds like a pub. where are we going in wrath of islam ah for god sake no alcohol no fruit machine no pork rinds yes but women can get high sometimes doing this job you feel very exposed not so I'm making jokes, but when I'm making an observation. A bit of comedy, you feel like if no one can relate to this, I'll feel like a fool, so please share with me if you've had a similar experience. It's always embarrassing when you get a boner during a prostate exam and they find out. about you not being a real doctor, that's a joke about her, she doesn't even have a prostate. eg I have a teenager who doesn't give charity a chance, but I realize it's a critical question.

The teenager asked why. I believe that she recently said that 90% of adolescent girls are sexually active. real dad young people have to ask me young people after the show they often ask me if you can laugh at a woman in tibet the short answer yes obviously she's too young for you if you say cuckoo but yeah Laugh alone in Tibet, the hard part. she arrives 20 minutes later when you're trying to laugh at her into taking a cab to her house. I don't know how to make a big deal out of this, but I recently adopted a newborn African boy.

He was only seven pounds and sent your packing. They put holes in that box. and that's the joke, oddly enough, that Richard Curtis said was too much for comic relief. Has everyone been on that first vacation abroad? Let the first vacation abroad you have had without your parents. Oh my sight of you you have a lot to look forward to it's an amazing trip tends to be all the boys go together all the girls go together somewhere hot in Europe that's cheap that year we went five of us went all the way to school together we just got a hit rate one out for two weeks in fowler aki was amazing son c sexist and that's what we're looking for that's what we found it was a wonderful life affirming amazing holiday where in those two weeks i had sex with 12 different people im not bragging i was gang raped still i dont let your old trip if theres a fight i let my fists do the talking please dont hurt me i went to a pretty fancy single sex school never really fit in i think which is partly because I'm a man partly because of us 35 when I got caught, my grandfather always used to insist on standing up every time a woman walked into the room, which which ultimately led to him losing his Disability Living Allowance I was in North London I saw a guy on the high street with a guide dog and a white cane and I walked up to him I went I must be blind he said tell me something I don't know I said there is a tree there don't be a jerk you never forget the first one especially if they are gone.

The unusual name is Kayla. There's something I don't understand about a woman's G-spot. I can't identify it. I can drive a woman. hit a nerve so to speak not very apt i can drive a woman crazy with my tongue you want me to show you i'm ok pay attention all that's really going on here young men drive a woman crazy with your tongue, do you have white anal sex with the palm of your hand? it's overrated it's like buggery i tried it on my girlfriend i was bored to tears everyone who's gonna get it got it let's move on we've been together for 12 years me and my girlfriend so to keep things cool in the bedroom we do it a little from role play she pretends to be a nurse and i pretend to be a sti I was first attracted to her, I divided the rumors into those who thought that was funny and then there are the unattractive women.

Some girls might have the lights out for the sex to happen. I have a name they're fugly munters I've never complained about that joke I've never been approached by a woman after the show don't excuse me I'm the fuzzy munter how do you think I'm hungry another couples think it's a show I have a theory about sex in long-term relationships, so the received wisdom is that it's men who instigate sex within a long-term relationship, it's the man who says we should go upstairs for some slapping and tickling . better how is your father a bit of a sticky belly whatever you call him in your houses the man asking i think he is misogynistic thats like saying man has sexual desire and woman is bottom i think its about 50/50 at most Of relationships the reason you don't notice more soulful arts for sex is to be because when women ask for sex we happen to have the expression get lucky because we're rolling the dice ladies if your woman tells you to join in, says yes no matter what else is going on you could be full of the flu you could have received some devastating news you could have been shot in the leg for your job just yes i know but sometimes gents you will know this a Sometimes, in a long-term relationship, they'll suggest getting amorous with your partner, you'll suggest sex and she'll tell you no and then give you some kind of weird mercurial reason why sex couldn't happen right now and you'd like to. answer what and you would like to reply but nothing occurs to you because nothing occurs to you because all the blood is elsewhere so I thought well why we did not take advantage of the situation we found ourselves in why we do not do it workshop what reasons have you heard gentlemen not to have sex and let's get to the answer what else what have you heard tired headache okay let's deal with those in order easy headache if all this is not my head hurts just say I'll be right on the other extreme couldn't be further problem i'm going to you too we're not going to do Sudoku you're not going to need your wits tired tired it's tired it's like the modern equivalent of a headache and I genuinely think if a woman says you know I can'thave sex i'm tired what you have to do you have to listen obviously you have to admit that it's not enough just to listen she has to know that you've heard and then make a suggestion that's my advice anyway don't demand anything from a woman make a suggestion so foreman said a lot of kant upset i'm tired i'd say of course you're tired i heard you you have the kids you have the house you have work you must be exhausted so why not and it's just a suggestion but wally don't you normally and just head on, you lazy cow?

Any other excuse not to be pregnant? She is too young. It is a long term relationship. she young yes and yet what was she pregnant her? Are you trying to push him into a threesome that clearly does? I'm not alarming anyone, but we have a pirate in the house. Hoist the mainsail. I still hear a voice say no that's not her your conscience freak don't let no one else no other is useless for 90 cents. on the blog how well said sir i think a lesser man might have said menses or her time of the month or maybe period even arsenal are playing home or like the red devil in her belly oh darling but you won with much more gentle in the blob sonic love and chain i think in all seriousness if foreman says what i cant have sex i have my period i would say well their asses and bleeding is that give me a moment to work my magic the best i heard recently someone someone said it to you good kick in cambridge i said many reasons not to have sex with in a long term relationship you've heard from a woman and a woman one morning fanny should tomorrow fanny when i heard her i don't know what that is tomorrow Fanny and she said you know morning breath is down Oh water father you know I'm telling these pretty off-color jokes but actually I'm a pretty sensitive guy quite metrosexual remember the first time I got together with my no Via 12 years ago, now the first time we had sex, the first time we hooked up, I cried, I don't.

I don't know if it was the physical act, the emotion, or the pepper spray, but I cried. People do weird things sexually. We should talk about something about the weight. Should people do Geron files if you're not familiar with the term. the toronto archives are people to find the very old are sexually attractive and i have always tasted the mouth isn't she your aunt of all? i prefer to call them oap dose granny fannie where is the harm? 50 shades is something very, very different for them years ago this woman introduced the handcuffs into a sexual relationship when she called the police I told her I will come quietly if you strangle yourself during sex it is called autoerotic asphyxiation if you do it to another person it is called serious sexual assault a fluffy janata fluffy is a fluffy is when you are having sex with a woman and I'm sorry zero you don't have sex from the woman when you make love to a lady and while making love to that beautiful lady a hairy is when she farts in your balls a couple of things a couple of quick things first of all that's happening enough that we needed a special term for it and second of all how do you ask about her?

The first time it happened it was a happy accident, I was working and one slipped and thought it wasn't an unpleasant feeling, but then it's very hard to ask for that to happen again. It takes freedom to look like Mr. Darcy, the king of romance, when he says to the woman in life, would you care later? Wouldn't farting on my balls make love so much easier? Take her out for Indian food and hope for the best. Has anyone here ever crossed paths with people? having sex what did her parents come in sir what kind of ride in a special hug was mom doing my dad what did she actually see when she walked in what was her dad doing and I mean presumably she's back did she do it ?

You get a peek, so you obviously know about the happy deal. You would have to think it was premeditated if you walked in. Lee was ha. This is going to be brilliant. You saw your parents because I guess you followed the class to get up and go inside. about the people having sex that you enter into. I see, oh, okay, straight to therapy. Is someone else walking on people having sex? Go on what you're walking, sir. I don't know why that's bad. son i think we'd all go on we'd go on son great my son but with your daughter you can't walk in a gone laugh oh you let your love be my girl i mean i wish i was a boy who showed himself that you had he was a guy you approved of he said next year i hope you were baby etiquette you go in, you go right away there are certain things people do sexually though that couldnt be an answer are we all familiar with the rusty trombone? that in a much more literal, laughing kind of sense and while that's happening, she's also managing a move and purse-lipped when you can see how they have a rusty trombone.

I have no problem with the name itself. my question is if you were to come across people doing that, what would your response be? I'm sure you have a question for the ladies. Every woman I know has a very light line on one side of the line. a loving partner on the other end of the line things they asked you to do and said no what you would like to know ladies is what did they ask you to do that you said no I don't mean reverse Park or wash upstairs, do you? where do you draw the line? it's really why I'm asking why they asked you to do that.

You said no. You seem confused. Didn't you realize you could turn down? anal sorry yeah totally but on her birthday yeah man ma'am that's where you draw the line okay any breakthrough there anything else weirder a threesome what kind of threesome was it ma'am, was it, was it two guys and you or a suitable one? I don't want what kind of three Somoza to two women I think I see I think now on the surface that sounds misogynistic doesn't it? he's gone only two women to satisfy me because I'm such a man I don't think that's what it's about I think he was thinking about you he thinks it wouldn't be nice if after making love she had something someone to talk to thinking about you i'm not sure any of us are moving forward in this pain what i'm sorry i'm not sure if i'm not listening or can't talk it's hard what are you saying peggy peggy is peggy he's my just running what is peeping peep foreplay i'm angie and her I wouldn't do that sir what a clumsy prude what's up Blum key big wrong burner she just said that's when you give a guy a little while he's having a and sorry ma'am a guy asked you to do you know what though I do admire that guy because that's what made this country great that's what made civilization great dare to dream there's an optimistic man oh mother i've had a lot of pretty boring stuff what's up with all this area is it free s at any given time? the relationship he asked for that is not a bad way to end a relationship things are not going well you don't go on I'm going to see if she sucks me while I'm having a dress if she says yes I think she loves you any other any other witness, the reason why I requested that search. ion a couple of times now it's because he's my favorite bear on the show because I know there are women out there who are currently having their legs pressured by the men in their lives. the strangest one i heard recently from an audience member was a Simba you heard from a Simba you know a Simba a Simba is from the Lion King I think it's when you're with a beautiful woman that you're making sweet love to her and you end up on her chest well , don't be disrespectful some might think but that's okay and you get Simba bringing a little Disney magic into the room.

I'm not sure my girlfriend would appreciate a sim but I think I could do it on my own I think next time within next time I'm home and have broadband and a little me time I think I might try to finish there Simba I have a tip for the ladies or if you want I can put it all in There is a safe way 1g1 the secret to perfect use me Your mouth I left my last girlfriend because she got too fat. I'm pregnant. There is always an excuse to breastfeed in public. That bothers someone else.

She annoys me. The baby's head gets in the way. I can't see anything now. criticized technique, but would you agree with me that seven is too old to be in a stroller? Would you agree with that? Yeah, would you have said something because I said it's a wheelchair? i have kids we say raffia which is weird because we're not trying to get anyone to join our gang people with kids never stop talking about it especially when their mind people kids join us it seems tired, who will take care of them, medical professionals? i have to go now i have to get 12 hours sleep of course the pill revolutionized the way women control their bodies before it was invented or Nana had to take it rolling all over her face falling down the stairs in a hot bath drunk in june with a hanger hunter my best friend's wife is having a baby and I asked her I said do you want a boy or a girl they thought about it she said she really wanted more than four likes on a blowjob from the lady I don't know if you hear this i dont know if my lady will give you a blow job but what i like about oral sex in my car i think what most men enjoy about oral sex from our partners is nothing sexual ladies its the peace and peace.

Take it easy ladies, if you've ever been fucking a guy and he's gone, oh, that's not his technique, that's not the sound of his sexual ecstasy, there's the sound of a man not being asked a question, I would think about adoption. Don't have. children but if I had children I think I would adopt them people criticized Madonna but the child she adopted fair trade we have some diet let's share all dads did you cry at the birth of your first child all very few of you missed it? What makes boys feel ashamed for crying over the birth of their first child, I think I It's because they don't really know why they cried.

There are different theories. Some people think that it is the biological link with the child that you meet for the first time. But can not be. You're only serious for the first time. It is not. like the mother who has been

carr

ying inside her that is more of a biological thing with the boy no, some people think that men mourned the birth of their first child because the gift that has been given to them by the woman in their life who it would make me cry no i think the real reason most men mourn the birth of their first child is because they see the demand that has been made to the lady no, she has a vaginal anus if my grandmother knew how much i spent on his funeral would be hanging around in his ditch when i was a kid i didn't want to imagine my parents having sex so i would watch them from the cloakroom concluding that agra phobic homosexuals ever dated how can you explain the concept of death to a little boy?

Well, you need a hammer and a hamster ain't gonna live o On a farm, since he's all over the store, he always feels so much better when you masturbate with a dead arm, but apparently I ruined that funeral. I remember on the playground, my dad is tougher than your dad. dads get boners on a playground researchers have created a birth control pill that deactivates sperm before it reaches the uterus my girlfriend has something similar called stomach acid 10% of women have cried in a store fitting room i guess they didn't expect to see me there it's an interesting fact the reason morris dancers wear rattles is so blind people know it's coming too they say a problem shared is a problem halved it really didn't work with AIDS did you know that you can get aids from the toilet seat bone if you sit down before the last guys get on my girlfriend asked me recently she said what happened to your sex drive i said i burned it and smashed it with a hammer i was worried the police were grabbing humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure, but a dog will do it for a cookie if you suffocate in a bag for life to be angry, wouldn't irony kill you?

It's as good as I thought it was going to be. I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impression. Would you like to see it? I just need a young volunteer who can keep a secret. You know that this human statue should be in the center of the city. the silver and gold stall once painted Stockstill and then if you give them like 50P when you walk by they move their hand like a fraction it actually comes out cheaper and you're going to walk past them every day just to buy a Taser Happened to me something on the street the other day you know the charity robbers you know the ones with the clipboard and optimism on the main street i dodged the and the third one caught me with what i considered an unfair tactic the talks walking backwards hadn't stopped hadn't made eye contact and she was telling me her sad stories jogging backwards and the wording was perfect for me she said you know how often people die of AIDS i said i'm not an expert because i guess i once saw an extraordinary thing against AIDS recently i was in johannesburg last year doing some gigs and i saw in china burg thatthis charity had printed a booklet with everything you need to know about HIV and AIDS because there are a lot of myths about AIDS in south africa so i printed this booklet because they raised more money than they needed they decided to enclose a condom - every good little idea, so they stapled a genuinely true condom, aqua tree-sweet Everest, the 930 South Africans in well, there are quite a few, but it's strange: language differences are noticeable when you travel like in this country when you say I'm not racist What what you tend to say is that i am not racist in south africa i am NOT racist it means they are about to say something racist is this racist to the chinese?

Guess who I tried that prank on for the first time? time in a little 50 seat theater above a pub and there was a chinese lady front and center and she laughed enough to lean forward and it looked like she hadn't changed the newlyweds i liked the gun Well I thought of myself as an equal opportunity offender I like to think I offend everyone and therefore no one because it's kind of a blanket blitz approach to offense it's like I'm not bothering anyone no group and i'm not really making any points either um i'm just trying to make you crave for a couple hours that's my only job in this world i'm not trying to make any points or change anyone's mind about anything and the best defense of a joke is always it's just a joke just joke laid back we're just trying to make you laugh when you try to say something that's true sincerely from the heart that's when it can come out much more spectacularly on your u face. it's unusual for me but it's cool you'll enjoy this friend of mine runs a comedy club he's doing well in a college he's over 60 now he's running it since the early 80's it's a legendary club he runs it anyway This is quite a writer. type of person if there is a petition to sign, he signs it and forwards the email to me if there is a march to continue, he is in the march, very accurate. ago that she decided to put on an American stand-up night also happened to be three American stand-ups in London on the same weekend, so she decided well, instead of just booking one of them, all three will do it as a themed evening like the fourth.

July there will be hot dogs and Budweiser and whatever, it would be fun for everyone to come to the night. There are about 300 people in the club and he is very excited. The first to take the stage is a black American stand-up. he came out of New York City and he does what I would refer to as an Uncle Tom routine if you're not familiar with the terminology which means he did a racist routine all his jokes were based on negative racist stereotypes he got away with it he was an artist very charismatic he was very handsome but the stuff was terrible i mean like at best it was white man driving like there are some black men who drive like that bullshit poorly observed bullshit at worst In most cases, they were things that would give you goosebumps. ok he totally got his way that night he got a huge round of applause at the end of about a half hour performance and he walked back to the green room in the club and my friend walked in after him and walked over to him and said I want to tell you that they will pay you for the concert tonight.

There's no problem with that, but you wouldn't be welcome in my club telling such jokes. I think he is racist. I think it's wrong. I don't think it's right for you to do it. telling racist jokes just because you're a black man i think you should know better anyway i think it denigrates the fight of black people and you can never say no one has told you because i'm telling you right now he's a racist and it's wrong and the comedian when i agree when you're right you're right but i'm the other black comic i haven't been in yet sorry

jimmy

carpenter what did she do you went out a chance and a couple of quick things sometimes if i buy a girl a drink after the show she has the wrong idea she thinks i'm just a good guy behind her drink no no no who's going out after this who's going out tonight ways of you well i have nothing but admiration i mean well done but i can't wait to get home to bed i've had a lovely night i've really enjoyed talking to you but i want to go to sleep now i'm going to be an age where i talk about sleep like i used to talk about sex you should have seen me last night i was on eight hours five to turn down the sheets blackout curtains all but small on the snooze button i didn't know what hit it okay let's get some rough stuff out it's that time of night tell you a couple jokes that channel four he told me they weren't acceptable it's tsunami week remember the tsunami all he wanted to say was the tsunami was terrible tokyo was covered in raw fish and seaweed a situation the mayor described as delicious could be ruthless said two richest per what did you do because that would have been raised in eel aces I had a similar thing with Hurricane Sandy, recalls Hurrica. ne sandy that devastated the east coast of america all i wanted to say was it was the worst thing to hit new york from those two planes possibly they hit that issue with the papers for a joke once a year obviously the last year. i went rogue i tend to get in trouble over a joke with a journalist once a year last year the joke that got me in trouble with journalists was this one you probably remember from the last show why did they call sun variety trainers we all will kids on board look of the same variety doing much of the heavy lifting on that prank, right?

It's not that bad. The journalist in question says that you can't say that about children. last with mentally disadvantaged children but they also do a lot of things with physically disadvantaged and socially disadvantaged children you can't lump all those children together a bunch of children you can't call anyone children you are a j journalist you should know better and also be offended on behalf of someone else on my mind is that real farkle it's just you taking the moral high ground to offend you i think at least you have to be the one offended so if you really offended by that last joke you say while talking about charitable things when you leave this There's going to be a bucket drive tonight there's people with buckets and cans and I'll tell you briefly what it's about we're raising money tonight for abused children and if we raise just £500 between us we can buy your silence that's clearly a joke, the reason I'm saying it's clearly a joke is because I did a gig in Croydon a couple of months ago and a woman really got into it.

He picked for me on the show and I went to where those pickup tents are I'll just pick that for a second so now he just didn't realize it was a joke he wanted to help. in a swamp der buy anything what's your name mr useful is not the usual name you don't hear that every day i guess you do your name how did it come in handy are you shooting what are you studying economics whereabouts royal holloway well maybe yes i worked a little harder for your A levels, just say it, Royal Holloway is not, I mean come on, there are universities that have always been universities. for a 24 hour garage we weren't there?

God loves you little one trying to adventure well when i was in school. to talk about the worst thing that ever happened I can say you're a more offensive joke than that, but I can't tell you a story about me that will make you change your mind about me and then change it again George won't listen It's better it's basically about what what it's like to be famous what it's like to have people ask you to do things and it's nice to say yes because it's usually a fun thing you want to be in top gear yes i want to do it you want to do it do you think you do want to come and visit hospice for teenagers yes I do I got that call about six years ago I said yes I'll go I didn't know what some of those words meant sounds good teenagers I guess it will be fun now that sweating palliative translates to dying and I found myself in a situation where while i have a girl i said i will go and i thought this would be this but i said yes i will go so i went there with very low expectations.

I thought I'll be lucky to get through this without crying. I went there. I was really going to believe what I am because it was really inspiring. I was brilliant. to go if you have the opportunity to visit a hospice go to a hospice they are amazing because i do I don't know what inspires you but I like the idea of ​​carpe diem living in the moment now where happiness is and if you find yourself with limited teenagers in the life they are having it because they are aware how precious time is and I think we often forget it in our everyday lives so it was amazing to go and be around and come back many times since then and I would recommend it as something to do is very funny they don't read locked up there won't be you're part of society what struck me when i went there was an incident so if i go out for coffee before the show if i go to starbucks obviously my favorite coffee shop but if i go out for coffee before the show show right there is a group of 15 year old girls in the cafeteria who will flirt with me a lot not because I'm a super hot guy but because I'm a celebrity and there's a reputation for celebrity bridity in our society for the better for the worse is a given so i am used to that kind of flirting in that context which i didn't expect.

Turn it in the context of adolescent hospice hospice. There is a girl there. She just turned 15 years old. She is a huge fan of comedy. She had all the DVDs of her. and really tactile and i thought all she wanted was a kiss and i thought well what's the harm she's going to be dead before i can testify i can see you think that's bad i can't make it worse with just two words it's a true story it's a true story it's just a different

jimmy

thank you so much for coming like we say five final thoughts right if africa had more mosquito nets every year we could prevent millions of mosquitoes from dying unnecessarily from AIDS.