John Pinette - Still Hungry

John, we have to go. I need five more minutes. John, come on, I've been doing the same thing for 25 years and I have a process. It is enough time for the process. We have to go. Oh, finally, get out of my way. Oh thank you very much. Here save the change oh thank you good man, stay out of my way Hartman John why are you so nervous? I'm not nervous. I was

still

hungry

. I'm not under enough pressure right now. You better not be so nice. It's a pleasure. being here some of you are asking I wonder how much of this show is going to be about food if you're here to listen to WikiLeaks jokes you're wrong person I don't know you know I've actually been trying to Lose weight because the shows TV shows have been scaring me.

They have programs where they take older people and put them in vans and put them in fields. Didn't that happen earlier in history? The Nazi captains return. We have Nazi nutrition, oh I see. you have a little Chicago hot dog in your face, come to Japan, someone Chicano gave me a deadpan photo of Weight Watchers next to Cold Stone Creamery. I love that photo because it's everywhere I am in life with the ups and downs of me dieting, yeah, I mean, they look like living stone, they feel guilty, well I guess it's time to go back to Weight Watchers now.

The Watchers leave. Weight Watchers is a great organization, but they won't let you buy more points. I go to a crowd. Now I am part of a dissident organization. Well, you can buy and sell points on the secondary market as needed. I'm going to I'm going to Las Vegas. Here's my credit card, but then you try it, you're on a diet and you turn on the TV and there are all shows about food, they have shows about one type of food, they have three shows about cakes, then you have a show called The Cake Boss, this man is the boss of the cake, you are the boss of the cake, I did I don't know, you could arbitrarily become the boss of a meal.

Now I'm the ham boss. Alright. My name appears very happy to meet you. I don't think you can just become a boss. I think a decision has to be made. I think the Commission has to meet there has to sit - decided that the missing friend will be in charge of the cake from a star token to West Orange how did it come to this with something to cover it with icing? I don't want his mother to look at him like that look what they did to my boy another one of this for you Michael I know Santino would have to make cake and Fredo well he's a clean Punk we thought you were going to other cake shops maybe it's possible who knows different types of cakes meats and fish now I watch pie shows from time to time I think if you're watching and it's me talking I think if you're watching the tank more than one or two hours a week you need to re-evaluate your decisions in life I think there is more to do than look at the cake John, what are you doing looking at the cake?

Are you looking at Kate? Last time we came there, we will all come and talk to you. We have written all the letters to you and then you can do whatever you want. I have to intervene, the thing is that if these shows don't change much, I like dynamic shows, you know, I like to watch Lost, I didn't understand it, but I liked it, I like it, I like Family Guy, Battlestar Galactica, I have a very eclectic. but Cake Boss I haven't seen next week's episode, but I'm pretty sure it will be about cake. My sister got me a panini maker.

First of all, my sister is very, very kind, they gave it to me for my birthday and I say no. Don't buy me anything because I don't want it. You know what I want to give. It's better to give than to receive. And gifts are stupid. I can't look at them and say "oh babymaker", how did you know she was having problems? Making sandwiches and you saved me, you want to make a panini, get a frying pan, put the bread in there, put things in the bread, wait five minutes, wait five minutes and then hit it with your fist, hey Janine, because the panini is so squished that you don't do it.

I know what's in it and it could be vegetables. The panini tasted like arugula. Where does arugula come from? We didn't have arugula when I was a kid. My mother never said John. I want you to go out into the garden and pick some arugula. I will be right. back tomatoes cucumbers arugula yes, it's a pretentious and horrible vegetable that people serve alone so don't look elegant and elegant clothes imprison vegetables people don't want to talk spit it on the table why are you shaving me? is your reading it worked with the rest of the salad yes, the bitter earthy taste makes me grateful for the rest of the salad, so I would warn Everly she hates Martha Stewart, she makes me laugh, she gives you instructions to do things.

I am waiting for her. to go one day today we are going to build a pyramid based on the ancient pyramid of Giza she says things, doesn't she say she how to start with the instructions where are you going? Well, I'm not going to do this, okay, she gets out your chestnut roasting pans. Honey, where's the chaste eyebrow gangbang? I'm not a very good cook, I admit it, but you know I go out to eat and that's very difficult to be and you know you eat more calories when you eat out, it's a proven fact and just like I did.

I didn't even have a toaster. I just bought a toaster recently and well I had one but I toasted low carb bread and it exploded so I went and bought another toaster. I didn't want problems. I went to a nice store. and I talked to a nice young lady. I saw a toaster for $49. I said, "I'll take this toaster. It was a beautiful toaster in terms of toasters. And she said, Could I have your name and address? You know you can have $49 and I'll take this toaster and that's really all I I planned today, she tells me, really buddy wants you in our system, but I'm not going to adopt the toaster, it's like a foster toaster program is in once I walk out the door with this toaster I'll never see it again. they want your email they want your address remember when you could buy things and walk out the door I tell my nephews and nieces they don't believe me he loses buying things and walking out the door and they don't Don't ask questions Oh, Uncle John, you tell stories funny to make people laugh, they use the filler for me and that's all that happened.

You can tell my brothers and sisters to back me up, tell them you used to buy things and go away, oh no I don't fill them. head with nonsense so I'm going to buy my $49 toaster and it's easy for me to say that I've lost my cherubic demeanor, she said to me: would you like to buy the warranty on the toaster? No, it's $49, I think. I'll absorb the risk on this one, but this toaster should break. God forbid, if that day comes, I'll take another $49 out of my pocket and buy another toaster because that's how I live, baby.

I went to Bed Bath & Beyond very nice store, but I go without a coupon, it's only free, you don't understand why everyone has coupons, many of you have them like Willy Wonka's golden ticket, my sisters have tons of them, they have a cover for Bed Bath & Beyond. coupons one time I was with my sisters and they were at the other end of the store and they saw me at the register they knew I didn't have a coupon they jumped on all the people they stepped on you got a Guinea I'm I'm not lying this lady thinks let's do it a deal P dollars for some Bath and Beyond coupons I once went to Bed Bath & Beyond and I didn't have a coupon, people were talking about me in line, the coupon is fine right?

I don't think it's dangerous for you A lady felt sorry for me You don't have a coupon Do you know how to get home? There's your name on your jacket. If the money covers the original coupon. It says In God We Trust. You do not trust? Gosh, I have to say one thing about Bed Bath & Beyond and I shop there, they're not picky about the coupon, they don't look for expiration dates, it could be linens and stuff like that, and they could write the coupon on the back of the Snickers. wrapper and they'll slide it in, it's a double coupon.

I got a Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon then the cashier gives me a coupon that's how it was now life is precious and we have to make the most of it and I don't have time for ridiculous useless things and she said you don't have a coupon me I said no she said well here you have a thank you here you make some sense in the summer I went to a health and fitness place yes and I had stress test in blood work and I go to this doctor, they are a wonderful lady, but my stress tests in My blood tests are good and she's in shock, I mean, at least I feel a little happy, don't look horrified, there's nothing wrong with this.

That's how she told me that I guess she would bet in the end. Don't know. It's only you. These are the weapons. Your blood pressure is 112 over 70. We'll check it. It must be Celsius. Can we have a little joy? In gratitude for being healthy, the doctor at this health and fitness place told me one thing, she looked at me very seriously and you know, I'm not getting any younger and I can. I was nervous for a minute and she said, “Did you know?” I'm allergic to wheat and I looked at her and said, but I'm a wheat farmer.

I am allergic to wheat. The night she thought, well, I can't harvest wheat anymore. I'm hanging up my sickle because your friends don't call you. fall and that's it, we'll harvest this weekend, you'll never miss it, I did it, I'm allergic, so I thought, wait a second, you made flour with wheat, maybe I should ask more, I said, what does this whole wheat thing mean to me? ? She said, well, do you eat a lot of gluten? I don't know again, but I would say yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm mostly gluten and she was like, well, you should avoid anything that has gluten in it.

I told him it's okay. Thank you and I started to leave the room and said what's gluten in it. You know, it has gluten. Every damn reason to wake up in the morning. I'm looking at this set of things to avoid and I said, check it out. maybe it was just canceled she told me to go try gluten free products now yes I went to a health food store which was a new experience for me and now I like shopping at health food stores and if you want to know where the gluten -free stuff is They are looking for a gentleman with a gun in his mouth since the bullets do not contain gluten.

Have you tried being free food? You need gluten. I don't know what gluten is, but apparently it's delicious and you should book it again. I tried the gluten free pasta there and at this point I'm thinking, I hope they make a gluten substitute like a sweetened gloopy or I can't believe this isn't a shout out. I think we have people here who know pasta, pasta that is boiled. my teeth pasta is boiled boiling water 10 minutes or less a little olive oil a little salt gluten-free pasta 90 minutes enjoy the abundance so last year I flew across Canada and well, actually we also drove a lot, which I enjoyed it, we drove to Prince Edward Island, you want to know where Prince Edward Island is.

It's at the end of the road until you finish and you'll see a bridge going over the bridge right there and we had a thousand people on Sunday and Monday and it was so touching I'm thinking this is like everyone else and they couldn't have been better people. It is not a big city. There are about 12 shops on the main street. It's a beautiful place to go if you want to get away and be quiet. a beach community and there were ten and Green Gables gift shops Danny Green Gables is from the early 20th century. It's a book that young girls would read.

I guess it's a good thing you read that when you were a kid, but 10th and Green Gables have stores and half of them. There are Gables gift shops and half of them are candy shops, you know, because you can't make money on Anne of Green Gables alone. The franchise isn't as big as it used to be, so they have these older ladies dressed up early. 1900s in sweaters like twelve year old girls and they all walk up to you with candy samples and it gets creepy, it's like the Thriller video, you know? But I highly recommend it as a place to go and meet nice people. in Ottawa and they asked me if I ice skated.

I said oh yeah, I'm a skater. I competed in my youth. He was short and sassy before Dorothy Hamm. People skate. Damn, they skate all day. They skate for so long. They have snack stands on the ice. and at these snack stands they sell things called beaver tails in their giant fried dough and they top them with hot fudge and M&Ms and I wanted one, they could skate up to it, you know, standing on the edge of the ice like the kid from above. I waited three days they told me you don't have to skate it's tradition I waited three days three days and I couldn't take it anymore so I took off my skates and they pushed me and I skated and I didn't even go a block around it or once I went straight to the fried dough stand and I hid one of us and was going to get to the fried dough there was a family on the road my mom and dad and two little kids he should have been on the fried dough road they turned around and saw me you know what I saw in their eyes, they saw hope, you know, oh, you'll stop, I couldn't, I didn't and they went down like a game of skittles, but I bought them all with fried dough while the paramedics were examining him, so it worked out pretty well.

Stains are now on my list of things in life. I don't care if I do it again. It's like an anti-bucket list. Rhymes with cube. That's what I can tell you. Walking if I'm not ice skating I'm walking What do I think about walking? You hide in a mouth, yes, hide in the ravine. The horrible story begins with well, we were walking again. Jalapa. North Korea was shot. Why would you hide inthe door? Because the people. Do this in Los Angeles all the time. Oh, we're sick of the city. We are walking. Do you know how to walk well?

No, but we have new boats. I'm tired of anyone who buys new boots and a compass thinking he's a hiker. It happens every year, doesn't it? People go out with new boots and they get lost, so they have to do it.hit sends 200 people to look for them 10 of those poor bastards get lost said mm poor bastards go out to find 10,000 people looking for Joe Two summers ago I had the pleasure of performing at the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland and I thought what a huge blessing this is to work in Scotland. I started doing stand-up 25 years ago in Boston, Massachusetts.

It's been a wonderful journey, it really has been and I thought Scotland was just another blessing that this occupation has given me, but everything great in my life has joined us, my manager has been my manager for 20 years, he's my best friend, he is one of the smartest people I know, but this time he didn't forget to read the contract. I'm going to work 26 out of 27 nights in Scotland, that's too many as I remember. I'm used to being in places between two and six days after the third week in Scotland. My brain is screaming at me why you moved to Scotland. 26 of twenty-seven nights it rained every day.

It was the worst rain since the time of William Wallace, known as Braveheart Ramon, dies, but although every man has an umbrella, the Scottish dialectic, to give a good idea of ​​the dialects, is very thick when they have been drinking, which is quite. Do you want to address it now in such a broad way? Let me be a little disappointed, you got it, friend, but every day think about it every day for a month. I would wake up, it would be raining and I would be in Scotland like in the movie Groundhog Day. I'm calling for polls.

Sorry friends, take the That said, if you're just going for the Edinboro festival, go, just don't go. 26 out of 20, seven nights, they rented me an apartment and the apartment had a futon bed, you know, the futon bed is a little bit more. more comfortable than a yoga mat, that's all, it's very important, some of you have futons and in fact, I like futons because they are honest, they have some that rate the name, so there is someone cooking, no People call them and let's go. We'll come to visit, it'll be Taste of Chicago, we'll come to visit.

Hmm, sure you can sleep on the futon. You know, if you have a futon for your guests, they won't stay long after the third day. I had sciatica. I was crippled and they made you accompany David, if they didn't pick you up, it wasn't in the contract and I said, well, where is the place? They said, well, you can see it from here Danya, can you walk from here? It wasn't a walk, it was more of a walk, do you know how much I love dogs? Are you kidding? I used to be a comedian. The teacher says I should tell you jokes.

I walked into a sandwich shop and it's not like our sandwich shops here. They're cheap with the ingredients, you know, you know, they load things up at a sub shop here now, can I have tomatoes? I'll pay more, they think, oh, he's a big guy, he can't jump over the counter, we'll hit him hard, I'll be on that counter before they can look up, but take there black olives on a sandwich how many black olives do you have to pretend to sprinkle on them? like fairy dust he will bring your hand Harry Potter they gave me a fried Snickers Bar, you know, which was quiet I walked towards a bright light after the third day of eating in pubs I went to.

Can I have an arugula salad? There was a Chinese buffet in Scotland. Now I don't go to buffets much. Jimmy, it's the health reasons and the restraining orders, but I feel like I was singled out several times, but I'm not going to fight it. I know when I'm home and I started comedy in Massachusetts, I put some guys out of the business. Me and some friends, what would happen if the owner of a Chinese buffet where I started comedy moved to Edinboro and with a lot of bad memories and rebuilt his life in his business and then I walked into his buffet 20 years later, father the forbidden? is back do you think we forgot about your son of a we

still

have your photo you go now again and press that look I grew up in a predominantly Irish and Italian community and my father was a bartender in the Irish-American and that's my first I would like to learn to like the dialects because I had friends from the hinterland and I can listen to them and they tell me wonderful stories about growing up in Ireland, it was quite fascinating and, you know, honesty is part of their culture and they said.

You're a good boy, but you know fashion is dead. I don't want to scare you, but if you are too far away, you won't be able to bear it. Actually, my dad's friends from Ireland gave me the best diet. advice they ever had: I'm going to give you a diet that will work for your whole life and you know it because I've been up and I've been down and I feel pretty good now and he said it's the only thing that ever worked, I couldn't write it down so Good guys, stop, it's yours and it looks all sweet and tasty, then keep walking gently, take a bite, that would make a good Nutrisystem commercial.

I'm Tommy Sullivan from Nutrisystem Sand and 4995 I'll send you your big box I'm nothing anymore go up for a walk the national discipline is called haggis I don't like to eat anything that rhymes with Tigers Tigers are sheep's intestines with oats and spices II they ask you all the days one of the many things that I love the Scots because they are tremendously proud and patriotic and ask you every day to be the hardest of hearts, but all Hargis is beautiful, go find a proper haggis. I waited, I waited for three weeks. I waited until my manager, the gentleman who booked, arrived.

I 26 out of 27 nights said where should we eat I said let's eat haggis now the haggis comes with a whiskey sauce which helped I didn't have whiskey how is that whiskey here it had whiskey like I I called you last night I'm NOT Jack. I'm going to have hello dad. I'm in Scotland, pick me up. I love you man. I love you. Thank you so much.