I grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church. Here's why I left | Megan Phelps-Roper

I automatically do what they do. Their questions gave me space to talk, but also allowed me to ask them and really listen to their answers. This radically changed the way we talked. Third: stay calm. This takes practice and patience, but it is effective. At Westboro I learned not to care how my speech affected others. I used to think that my righteousness justified my rudeness (a high-pitched tone of voice, a loud voice, cursing, interrupting), but that strategy was definitely useless. Raising your voice and yelling is normal in stressful situations, but it often drags the conversation to a passionate and unsatisfying end.

When my husband was still an anonymous person on Twitter, our arguments always became heated and difficult, but we always refused to escalate. Instead, he preferred to change the subject. He would tell a joke, suggest a book, or politely apologize for not continuing the conversation. We knew the debate wasn't over, but it would just stop until we got back to the same level. People often complain that digital communication makes us less civilized, but this is a positive quality of digital conversations compared to face-to-face conversations. We have a lot of time and space between us and the people whose thoughts make us angry.

We can use that expansion. Instead of losing control, we can stop, take a deep breath, change the subject, or leave and then come back when we're ready. Finally...present the argument. This may seem obvious, but the problem with holding strong beliefs is that we often assume that the value of what we offer is, or should be, self-evident, that we don't have to defend our positions because they are obviously correct and Well, if someone doesn't understand, then... Their problem is that I don't have to teach them. But if it were that simple, we would see things the same way.

As my friends on Twitter so kindly did, if they hadn't made their arguments, I would have found it difficult to see the world any other way. We are all products of our upbringing and our beliefs reflect our experiences. We cannot expect others to change their attitudes automatically. If we want change, we have to defend it. My Twitter friends have not abandoned their beliefs or principles: they have simply abandoned disdain. They deflected the well-founded abuse and came to me with questions full of kindness and fun. They approached me as a human being and that shaped that transformation of more than two decades of anger, humiliation and violence.

I know t

here

are those who don't have the time, energy or patience to get more involved, but as difficult as it may seem, reaching out to someone we disagree with is an option available to all of us. I sincerely believe that we can do difficult things, not only for them, but for ourselves and our future. Growing disgust and conflict is not what we want for ourselves, for our country, for the next generation. My mother said something to me weeks before I

left

Westborough, when I was desperately hoping t

here

was some way to stay with my family.

People she loved with all my heart, even before I was that chubby-cheeked five-year-old girl standing on the picket lines holding a sign I couldn't read. She said, "You're just a human being, my sweet, dear girl." She asked me to be humble, to not ask questions, to trust in the Lord and my elders. But in my case, I missed the opportunity to see the bigger picture: that we are all human. We must find our way through this simple fact and reach out to each other with generosity and compassion. Each of us contributes to the groups, cultures and societies we build.

The end of this spiral of anger and guilt begins with a person refusing to give in to these exciting and destructive emotions. We just have to decide who will start with us. Thank you all. (applause)