I grew up in a cult. It was heaven -- and hell. | Lilia Tarawa | TEDxChristchurch

thing with them. He was already prepared. When I was eleven years old, my older sister ran away. When I was thirteen years old, my second oldest sister also ran away. When I was seventeen, my younger brother threatened to leave me. I didn't know it at the time, but my parents were also getting ready to leave. But they couldn't bear the thought of losing another child. They were waiting for me to change my mind so they could be together, and after what happened with Grace, he was ready to leave. I left Gloriaville with my entire family less than a year after Grace did.

After I left the

cult

, I became obsessed with learning what I could about human behavior, because I thought, "If I can understand myself and others better, I will protect myself and prevent anyone from taking advantage of me again." I wrote the story of my life in a

cult

, I realized that the leaders of Gloriaville used cruel methods to control and manipulate me. They started using humiliation to put me down in front of the people I love. It all started when my grandfather publicly humiliated me for my diploma when he was six years old. His action sent a clear message showing who was in power.

We all knew what would happen to those who opposed the authority of the Church. But it does not end there. They made me feel guilty to reduce my self-esteem. When I was a child, I was told every day that he was a worthless sinner. It's my fault because I'm evil and I'm to blame. When people mistreated me, I thought I deserved it. I had difficulty with proper self-reflection because I constantly asked myself: What if this is my fault? What if I'm to blame? Well, maybe they managed to disappoint me, but they ruined it when they mistreated those I loved.

My anger at the injustices suffered by Grace, Jubilant, and Welling gave me strength I could not have mustered on my own. I couldn't stand by and watch my loved ones suffer unjustly. My love for others broke the chains that bound me, but why was I willing to love them but not myself? In the end I realized that he could learn to love me like he loved Wheeling, like he loved Jubilant and Grace, like he loved my little sisters. So I won't accept other people's nonsense. So I asked, what does it mean to love myself? What does it mean to love myself so completely that if someone tries to humiliate me again, I will be the one to defend myself?

I don't have all the answers, but I've come a long way. I realized that my six-year school certificate was perfect (Laughter) (Applause) and that my grandfather was afraid of strong women! (Laughs) I am a strong woman. I am a leader. Today I know that my leadership skills are invaluable. I used it to leave the church and find my own way in a world that, honestly, still scared the shit out of me. When I was 23, I used my skills to run my own business and write a book to teach others what they could do. Now that I am 27 years old, I use my skills to be here with you today and I use them every day to remind my 6 year old self that she can do whatever she wants and that I will never let anyone tell her otherwise.

Thank you. (Applause) (Cheers)