I Am Way Too Old To Be A Dad. Auggie Smith - Full Special

learn the weak ones who suck unless we put a huge scoreboard in the middle of their favorite park, and when they try to play an innocent game with their friends, put a big fat zero next to their stupid game? , name of the loser? Who are these hippie idiots to think that kids' competitive spirit should be about outdoing themselves and having their teammates trust them? Them? Mistaken! The competition consists of crushing your opponents and watching them be led before you and listening to the cries of their women. And if you don't learn that by age 6, you might never learn it, man!

It may look like a minor league field, but we all know it's a spartan proving ground where the winners will feast on the buffet that is life while the losers will float like friends in an ocean of eternal insignificance. (Audience laughs) No. But these children can now make their lives very easy. Now, on Valentine's Day in elementary school... they have a rule. Are you ready for this one? Everyone gets a Valentine's Day. (Audience laughs) Wrong! Everyone knows that Valentine's Day in elementary school is the day when fat kids learn to better develop a sense of humor. (Audience laughs) Valentine's Day is the official day when every popular girl walks up to a little fat boy and says, "You know, I haven't dated yet." "But if I did, we wouldn't do it. (Audience laughs) "Know that I think so little of you "that I wouldn't write my name "on a photo of two hippos "kissing-- "a hippo kiss-- and tell you I give that "like I did with all the other kids" in this classroom. "Now write some 'before you die alone, fat boy' jokes." (Audience laughs) The poor fat boy was feeling bad about himself, so we had to go home and develop an effective mechanism to make people laugh.

How do you think it turned out? A show tonight? (Audience laughs) Oh. They have rules now, PE. They won't even let them play dodge ball. Will the little ones ever learn that the big ones will dominate them unless we build a Hunger Games-style arena and have them throw things at each other's heads for an hour a day between Earth Science and AP Bio? simple people. Do you want to survive in America? First you have to learn to square dance (audience laughs). Then you have to master the woodwind instrument known as the recorder (audience laughs). It was very funny for you guys who went through puberty at a normal age.

My first driver's license... I was 4 feet 10 inches tall. Yeah, I'm not kidding. We weren't driving at a crazy age in Montana. That was the usual driving age. I would sit on a book with little blocks in my shoes like Short Round. You would think that with that size he could dodge balls. I assure you, I couldn't. (Audience laughs) Then, after dodging the ball, after your so-called friends tortured you for an hour with those red rubber balls that only exist in school playgrounds and like nowhere else in the universe known, and they have those dimples. So they leave marks on your head for the rest of the day, and everyone can see where you went wrong.

It just says Rawlings here, in front of your eye, backwards, in the shape of a bruise. After that nightmare, after that waterboarding, they made you take a shower. They made you take a shower. And let me tell you something, women. The boys' locker room is nothing like the girls' locker room, okay? There is no private cubicle with the curtain in front. There is no feeling of inclusion. No travel pants. I imagine there is no chocolate fountain. It doesn't smell like Yankee Candle. No. (audience laughs) The kids' locker room is a pit of metal and cement that God forgot.

OK? And there's a bare wall at the other end with taps coming out like a joint, like you're getting deloused on the way to Shawshank. And they line you up like naked meat, no matter where you are in development. Hey, you know what's worse than a bully? A bully who can describe you naked. That's worse than a bully. (audience laughs) I'm going to float something out there. (Audience laughs) What if things are getting better? I have to believe it. You have children? Optimism is mandatory. Yes. It's not funny, but it's true. I came to Utah 25 years ago and got a ticket.

And I won't let it go, okay? I used to spend $200 on a car. I would drive it until it exploded. I would stick out my thumb. Someone would take me to the next concert. It was a very exciting way to live. But many times the radio didn't work, okay? Young people, in the 1990s, if the radio didn't work, you had something called a Walkman. It was a 16- to 22-pound device that was worn on your hip or placed next to you in the car while driving. Now, the Walkman didn't have music. It was a music delivery system.

The music was saved on a cassette tape. This is what we did. We take the music. We finished it very well. We cover it with plastic. You put it in a box in the car. So it's not like now, where you just say the name of a song and it starts playing. There was work! You had to look for it. You had to find the corresponding tape and put it in the Walkman. But this is what happens with the Walkman. No ejector has ever worked in the history of the Walkman. Yes, you always had to open it like a can of soup on The Walking Dead.

You'd stick it in there and then watch it spin forward or backward until you found the actual song. This is really the way we did it. Anyway, I got pulled over because apparently it's illegal to wear headphones when driving. And I said, police, why is it illegal to wear headphones when you drive? And he said, "Well, you can't hear the 'emergency vehicles' stop for them." And I said, so how are we going to have this conversation? (audience laughing) $900. That fine was $900 in 1997 dollars for wearing headphones. And the car didn't have insurance, and technically I didn't have a license because I couldn't pass the DEQ, and my license was suspended at that time, and then I didn't pay the fine, so they doubled it.

But it was $900! (audience laughs) On that same trip, I came into town and worked for the guy who books this show. His name is Keith Stubbs. And here's the thing. It was a difficult week for me. He had just broken up with a girl. There was a snow storm. I had bronchitis. And I go on stage and all he asks me is were you clean? That's all they wanted me to do. And at that time that wasn't my thing. And then there are literally 10 people in the crowd. And I go on stage. Like I say, I'm in a bad place mentally.

And it gets to a point where I just start cursing a blue streak. And then I turn around and hit what I think is a wall, and it turns out it's actually a constructed backdrop, and I put my fist through it. So I look at Keith in the back and he lights me up. That means getting off the stage. But he's going to beat me up if I leave that stage. So I stay there as long as possible. And I walk with the 10 people until it's just Keith and I in the room. And here's the deal, he didn't hire me for 25 years after that until tonight because he believes in redemption.

He believes that people can change and be different. And I appreciate it. I appreciate being here tonight. Alright, guys. Let's wrap this up and I'm going to break a rule of comedy. I know all the rules of comedy because I've been doing stand up for 32 years. I've been funny for 11 of those 32 years. (Audience applauds) And you were lucky because it wasn't consecutive. (Audience laughs) One thing you never do is never ask the crowd a question. I'm going to break that rule tonight because I trust you. I'm going to ask you this question. It is a very vague and very general question.

If you feel your own truth, go ahead and shout it. You don't have to raise your head. If you don't feel it, that's okay too because, as I say, it's a very general and very vague question. But maybe, maybe that's the point. And what I want to know tonight, Dry Bar, is what are you looking for in this life? What specifically brings you happiness? - Travel. - Food. - Freedom. - Sleep. - Happy wife. - Wife. - That's how it is. The answer is consistency. (Audience laughs) And in my life, America, I have found one thing that we can count on 100% of the time to be consistent.

And the only thing we can count on 100% of the time is the emergency transmission system. (Audience laughs) It works 100% of the time. Go old school. Get in your car and turn on the radio. And I don't mean there's no Sirius or XM. I'm talking about the radio, man. There's an actual law that once a week, they stop everything and you're going to listen to this, okay? The following is a test of the emergency transmission system. That was immediately followed by-- (siren sound) And then all is right with the world. (Audience laughs) Because that's the sound of that machine in perfect working order. (Audience laughs) When aliens attack, that's the sound our government has devised to galvanize us into battle.

Thank you so much. I'm Auggie Smith. (audience applauding)