How To Tell Latinos Apart I Gabriel Iglesias

Well, I just want to know how many Latinos are in the crowd tonight. Now look, I asked the Latinos. I wasn't very specific because if you call the wrong Latino, there's a problem. You call a Mexican Salvadoran. We get angry. You call a Puerto Rican. A Dominican gets angry if you call a Cuban anything but Cuban they will stab you so for everyone here and everyone at home I have found a way to find out who is who it is very easy all you have to do is listen to the way the person speaks Spanish, you don't have to understand a single word, just listen to the flow that will let you know.

For example, Mexicans, when we speak Spanish, we sound loud, seriously, you ask us a question, we lengthen it. Hey brother, how do you think? Come on, you know, Cubans, I discovered that Cubans speak Spanish as if everything means something. It's very serious. You ask a Cuban a question, brother. Where are you going? Just ask a friend. He says: Why is he shouting? I don't know and I found a port. The rich people, you speak Spanish like there's a time limit, ask, even the Mexicans said, hey, write that down quickly. Another way is drinking. The drink will let them know who they are dealing with, for example, a Mexican's favorite drink is tequila, okay, a port.

The favorite drink of Cubans is donku or coquito, and the favorite drink of Cubans is coffee. Now let me

tell

you how I know about this one. A few years ago, Martina and I were doing a show at the Improv in Miami and after. The show ended. She was talking to Martínez. Hey bro, I said we had to try some of this Cuban food everyone's been talking about. It's our first time here, so we went out to take a taxi and when we got in the car, huh. I discovered something and that is that Cubans come in all the colors of the rainbow.

Cubans and Puerto Ricans. You go from very, very white to damn navy black. Simply intense. Wesley Snipes. Just dark. Squirtle. that there was a black Cuban because we got in the car and spoke Spanish and this guy turns around and he's black and says: I don't understand why you want to go. I say, oh my God. I got scared, I thought the partition was stained, I didn't know, so he's yelling at her, don't let him eat, I'm like dude, oh why is he yelling? I said, listen, we want to go somewhere to get some authentic Cuban food. food where we can go and then he takes us to this place called calleocho which for everyone at home is calle 8 in Spanish and it's an area where you know it's very authentic and he takes us to this restaurant called la carreta, okay, then you can.

Don't miss it, there is a restaurant on the corner with a giant wagon wheel in front and a huge rooster. I don't know what the rooster does, but be careful with him. We went in and I think it was about two or three in the morning when we calmly entered the restaurant. three in the morning he is at three in the morning we sit at this table and we are looking at the menu we are trying to figure it out and there are all kinds of bananas and all kinds of strange things that I think I didn't know sir, okay , the banana is okay, let's do this um and here comes the waiter and the waiter comes over and gets close to my face and says, okay and I forgot why he's yelling.

I don't know. I said: listen, brother, I'll

tell

you what. Let me look at this menu a little more. I think we need some time. Yes, we thought: Yes, we need more time. I say, "For now, can I have a coffee?" and he says okay and walks into the kitchen. He comes back five minutes later, seriously, with a little coaster and a glass of coffee on the coaster and sets it down in front of him. me and he said: "okay" and I said: "what is this?", I go, man, look at me, I'm not an ito, I'm an ande and then I started to think that maybe he knows who I am.

I get the joke, bring the really big guy. the really small cup, you know what I mean and I said brother, what do I have? No, no, I'll get a big cup of coffee. Take this back and I was frustrated so the guy said he is fine and why do you want him to be fine. so he grabs it all angry and then he goes to the kitchen and starts talking trash to one of the cooks and then he comes back with a bowl of Cuban coffee, he's fine, he puts it in front of me and he doesn't do it.

He leaves the table, he says it's okay and I say it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, oh I get it, he wants me to make sure this is what I wrote, you know what I want, so I pick up the ball and I take a small sip. and when the coffee hit my tongue I thought, "My God, this is the most concentrated coffee I've ever had, it was really really strong and then it clicked, that's why they bring you a little glass of this stuff, so now I don't do it." . I don't want to look stupid by making him drink a cup of coffee in the kitchen, so I held it up to my face again and drank it all well brewed.

I knew he made a mistake, brother. I knew he had made a mistake because a waiter looked at me. It's like he's back in the kitchen it's like 10 minutes guys I'm so wired the coffee is strong that's the only way in the world Cubans can make me swim