How To Create DESIRE In A Long-Term Relationship | Esther Perel & Lewis Howes

You know, I feel like a lot of people I've met in the past have gotten into a

relationship

through a sexual connection, sexual chemistry, erotic experiences, fun times, things like that and then they start dating and then they start getting into a

relationship

based on that. . basis instead of being based on what you see for your life you know what the values ​​are the background the culture of religion money all these different things you want to have children you don't want to have children and I feel like that ends up being a I fought for a lot of people, I same included in my past until I started.

I tried something different when you had sex for the first time and then you met the person exactly, yeah, and

create

d a story about who the person would be right without actually communicating in a way. and give space and time to experience who was the right person and the same for them with me why do you think most people start things that way? You know in general, instead of hey, let's give it time, let's ask deeper and more intimate questions like the ones you have in your game let's get to know each other what do you think is first of all that just started happening with the democratization of contraception this is before back in '68 this wasn't possible so it's not very recent right you know we started making love first and then we discovered each other's names, that's true all over the world or more so in the US or it's true anywhere place where people can experience, you know, premarital sex, basically, in the past, you had to get married first in order to have sex when I say in the past here is in the past and that was when I was a teenager and um and In much of the world it is still like that, so we are part of a very sexualized society in which sexual freedom and sexual expression has become part of our values.

Sexuality used to be part of our biology and now it is part of our condition. Now it is part of our identity. That's why we've changed the meaning of sex in the culture at large. and then we've changed it in our relationships and so we start from a place of attraction, you know, I'm attracted to you and I attract him to you, and you know, it's the first thing I think when I swipe, what do I do? Do you know where I get a little chill? Do you know who catches my attention? And it's purely physical.

Know? So it's a recent development. For most people here, this is not their grandparents' story, so it's still in the family, it's not like you have to go to the history books, how do you think people could establish a healthier relationship? instead of what would you recommend or suggest to people to have a healthier base, since that's what it seems like? sexualized now everything seems like a physical hit looking at the attraction of someone's sexual identity instead of, I guess, true intimacy and connection, how would you establish a relationship now? There are so many different pieces to this, I think the first thing you see is that I'm right about sexuality.

I'm not going to minimize it, but I understand that you know it's very important, it's a beautiful thing to have a powerful erotic connection with someone, but don't confuse the metaphors, you can have a beautiful erotic connection with someone and that's it. It doesn't necessarily translate into a life experience, right, a life story, a life story that said, um, the next thing that changed culturally, if you really want to address the big myths, is the notion that we're looking for the one, to the only one, um. my my soulmate is my everything yes my everything your soulmate used to be god not a person you know the only one was the divine and with this and only today I want to experience fulfillment and ecstasy and meaning and transcendence and I'm I'm going to wait 10 more years let's go to wait 10 more years to settle for someone to commit to someone for which we choose someone and if I'm going to wait

long

er and if I'm looking around and if I'm choosing from a thousand people within my reach, you can bet that the one who's going to Getting my attention will make me delete my apps.

It is better to be the only one, in a period of proliferation of options, at the same time we have an ascension. of unprecedented expectations about a romantic relationship We have never expected as much from our romantic relationships as we do today in the West It seems like a lot of pressure It is an enormous amount of pressure We crumble under the weight of these expectations because as a community we cannot become a tribe of two , this is a party of two and with you and I together we are going to

create

best friends, romantic partners, lovers, confidants, parents, intellectuals, enthusiastic business partners, business partners, professional coaches, I mean, you name it, I'm like one in Serious. person for everything one person instead of an entire people so that is the first myth and the notion of unconditional love that accompanies it is that when I have that and I only have what you call clarity but translated into certainty peace and freedom you know or security is the another side of the same thing, so to me, if you really want to settle down, the idea that you're going to find one person for everything is a myth, keep a community around you, absolutely keep a set of deep friendships. really deep friendships deep intimacies with friends with mentors with family with colleagues you know, yes, that's the first thing for me in having good relationships is to diversify, no, for some people it will include that for the vast majority, it will win.

But the notion that there is not one person for everything and that does not mean that there is a problem in your relationship when that happens, the second thing is to stop constantly looking at people as a product in which you evaluate them and yourself. You yourself know that in our market economy everything has become a product we include it and so love seems to have become the moment when the evaluation of the product stops you have finally been approved when you have been chosen and when you choose this is evaluated by the sociologist who writes about this very beautifully, it is as if love finally becomes the moment when you can experience peace, you are no

long

er looking to sell yourself, to prove yourself, to try to catch someone's attention, it is exhausting and once that you are in that mentality, you also continually search for the best product you never say you know how can I meet a person that people don't talk about often how can I be a person that is so true okay then that is what you are looking for in the market economy of romantic love instead of who How do you introduce yourself?

What do you bring? What responsibility do you assume? How generous are you?, etc. The second thing is what I think sets you up for a better relationship and the third thing is understanding some of the things that are really important to you. and don't get involved with someone hoping that some things will change, do things ever change with a partner that you want to change? Yes, things change a lot, I mean, a lot of different things can happen in a relationship, but it's different from I'm coming here to change things, you know, because so many of us want the experience of acceptance so absolutely with acceptance.

I would say this, another thing to prepare you for. um, you can love a person. Dear God, why not have to love? all of them, what do you mean by that? It means that the notion of unconditional love is a myth. Adult love lives in the realm of ambivalence, which means that relational ambivalence is part and parcel of all of our relationships. We have it with our parents, our brothers. friends, which means that we have to continually integrate contradictory feelings and thoughts between love and hate, between excitement and fear, between envy and contempt, between boredom and vitality, it is necessary to continually negotiate these contradictions, that ambivalence and living with that ambivalence is actually a sign of maturity rather than continually then evaluating look at the beginning you evaluate is this the right one is this and only is this then it becomes should I stay or should I go?

How do I know I've found the right one? Is it the premarital or the premarital -committed relationship and then it becomes: Is it good enough? We continually continue with evaluations. Is it good enough? How happy am I? I'm happy enough. So that is unconditional love. No, we live with ambivalence in our relationship. There are periods when you think about what life would be like somewhere else and then we come back and then we say I can't imagine it without this this is what I've chosen I'm fine here but it's a conversation the idea that you will be accepted unconditionally is a dream we have with our parents when we have babies is not part of adult love, right, so unconditional love is not something we can expect.

Unconditional love is a myth, so the only one is a myth. You asked me how we set up. For the best in relationships from the beginning, there is no one and there is only one person that you choose at any given time and with that person you try to create the most beautiful relationship you can, but you could have done it with others. There are a lot of things involved, so there is no one and there is just no soulmate. The soul mate is God. You may think that you have a soulmate connection with someone with whom you have a deep meeting of the minds of the souls of the hearts of bodies. but it is a metaphor it is not a person it is the quality of an experience that feels like a soul mate that is number two number three there is no unconditional love we live with ambivalence in our deepest loving relationships there are things we like and things we don't and things they like about us and the things they don't like and the times when they can't ex can't be without us at times when sometimes they wish they could be away from us, right, and that's normal number four that the Happiness man was continually evaluating how happy I am, you know how, if you continually seek happiness, you are miserable most of the time, what should we pursue instead, we seek wholeness, depth, joy, vitality, connection, growth, those things that finally make us say that I feel good, that I am, that I am happy? about this but I don't pursue happiness happiness is the disadvantage the consequence of many things you put into yourself you pursue taking care of someone who supports you feeling that they support you wanting the best for them what poly people call competition you know that things you can pursue conversion what is commitment comparison is feeling joy for the other person's happiness this is polyamorous relationships it is a concept another sexual part but I think the word is bigger than you know contained within the polyamorous community and culture is the notion that you want good for the other person even when it has nothing to do with you, right, you are proud of them, you admire them, you enjoy their growth, their successes, you know what happens when someone says that you know what I am with this person, they make me happy, what happens when you look for someone? someone who makes you happy in the relationship because the day you don't you will say that they make me unhappy or they don't make me happy but it is them they make me I am the recipient of what they do they have the power they can give they can retain I depend I long longing I respond and what should we be thinking about instead of this person makes me happy how should we how should we approach each other to give each other a good base from which we can each launch into our respective worlds?

Oh that's great, a home is a base with wings or I like to think that a good relationship is a base with wings for you to sit on. the stability you need security predictability as much as you can as much as our life allows and at the same time you have the wings to go and explore discover being curious be in the world sometimes together and sometimes apart if everything is fine Well, why Why don't you go to therapy? If you already need to go at the beginning, there must be something really wrong because who goes and that's so old to me that it's been discarded.

You know you are going because you have the feeling that you want to prepare, you want to contribute your strengths.