How To TRULY Accept & Love Your Partner | Esther Perel

What do you think happens when people are in a relationship and let's say they're together for a year or a couple of years and they decide we want to get married, but maybe one or two of the individuals don't fully

accept

something? the other person maybe there's like three things that they really don't like or don't

accept

or would like to change what they do, I mean I'm just trying to think of something where I

love

you so much that we have this cool thing. connection, we have a lot of fun and we are growing and building a relationship, but behind their back you are telling

your

girlfriend or

your

friends that I wish they would change this or this I don't like this I don't like like this, that's ambivalence, what does it mean Does that mean that you have to be able to live with the contradictory thoughts and feelings of what you like and what you don't like, what makes you want to be here and what makes you not want to be here. here is always when we don't accept that and we and we like you know that hopefully they will change or get over this thing that I don't like about them, what happens when we are in that space means that when you get married you are not just making a deal with your

partner

, you are making a secret deal with yourself that this is going to change and then when it doesn't, you get really angry or angry because you deal with yourself, which you never said out loud is the private deal, you do it yourself and all of us, when we choose someone, also make private deals with ourselves and often it is that deal that is broken more than one because the

partner

never promised you that this would exactly change. and then it just creates more resentment when we want something to change we don't, expectations are resentment in the making, huh, the more expectations you have, the more things can disappoint you later, especially when they are not articulated, I think What you need to know is what are some of the things if you're with someone that if you get back into the erotic connection if you're with someone that you have a very difficult erotic connection with and you know that this is something that's really important to you to be seen to be touched, to be touched. hugging, kissing, caressing, making

love

to you, it's really a language that is very important to you and you don't want to live without it, so listen to yourself if it's not an important part for you. because that is not the way you express yourself anymore, so you know that this is not the central part, the centerpiece of your relationship, you have other things that you share if you know that you do not want to have children or the other way around that the other person does not want have children, don't go in there expecting them to change your mind because that's not fair to you or to them if you're with someone who says I don't want to get married and you do it or if you're with someone who says I see love in the plural I don't see myself alone with a partner and this is so clear to you that this is not right or that you want it differently, listen to yourself, those are values ​​that involve life decisions that Don't sit there waiting until they reach you and what happens when the values ​​of two people do not are they aligned?

Can they still have a beautiful life story or do you feel that there will always be some kind of no it's unnecessary, I think it depends on the degree to which people can live with what we call a sense of differentiation, that is, whether I'm okay with wanting to go to church and that's not part of what we do, we come from the same faith or We come from different religions and one of us wants to adhere to their tradition and wants to participate in the practices of their religion and it's okay to do it without the other.

He doesn't feel like that should be shared. Don't you experience every time you sit in church I wish you were sitting next to me why do I have to come here alone all the time? you know, then it is accepting someone's choices, it is like accepting that your choice, if you practice it, you can accept to do it. without your partner then it is you who accepts it it is you who accepts it of course the other person but the other person can often tell you see if you like being there I don't want to go there on Sunday morning other things to do with your time, sure, okay, religion is important in that journey, it's another one where kids work, etc., it's hard to tell someone I'm having a child alone, you don't have to participate, but it's easier to say I'll continue practicing. my religion because it is fundamental to me, you don't have to be a part of it, we have other things that we will share, but you need to know how to do it and feel good about it if all the time that doesn't mean that sometimes you don't miss it and you wish to your partner that there is a great sermon, I wish you had been there to hear it, but if it is chronic and you feel that way all the time and you know from the beginning that it is a unifier for you and your partner is and your partner is not curious because you can come from something else and say I'm interested in this let me let me see what this is if you want to go back to live in your home country and your partner has no intention of living where they are, listen to them, don't expect them to say yes, I I would like that at some point, so listen carefully if they say this to appease you if they say this. to make sure you don't leave them or if they really intend to do this at some point and don't expect something to change, don't expect them to do something later after you get married or you know, start from the place where they don't It's going to happen, look what it is like, can you accept that?

Can you accept that? So if things change, all the better, but don't go into it hoping it will be different, right? And how does jealousy play in relationships? I used to be extremely jealous and insecure, I remember that and then something changed towards me, I don't know, five years ago, six years ago, maybe at some point in that moment, I thought: you know what? This does not support me or my relationship at all. this jealous nature or this thing that you knew even when you were jealous oh yes I knew it but I couldn't I couldn't let it go well so it's not what you told yourself that changed what something changed yes I don't know exactly what it was but I remember being like I'm tired of this I'm tired of feeling like this so what did you change?

Not what you told yourself. I think I changed by fully accepting the person's choices and lifestyle and what they were. doing uh and trusting that everything was going to be okay and not needing to be jealous, I think I was just afraid that they were talking to some guy or something, you know? Is there something behind my back that they are doing? Don't know. It was a worry like anxiety, right, and then I thought, wait, wait, wait, yeah, part of what goes with jealousy, you know, jealousy starts at a year and a half. Okay, not an interesting early emotion, first you need a sense of self.

It takes the beginning of self-awareness from a baby to be able to experience jealousy, it's not like fear, joy, disgust and sadness, so where does it come from, where does it come from, and how does evolutionary psychology have all kinds of explanations for jealousy, but where does it come from? comes from the interpersonal is that it requires having a sense of who you are before you begin to experiment with how you respond to what other people do. I also want that. Don't know. I don't want to lose something that changed. you are that you became more confident, yes, you felt less that your sense of self-worth is in the hands of the other person and that and they walked away from you, that means that you are not enough or that you are going to lose them. or that they're going to leave you, that's what changed and then I would be hurt or empty or sad or in pain because of their actions and I think that's 100, I think I didn't feel good enough or something like that. where I was like you know everything is going to be fine you know if they do something or but this everything is going to be fine followed by a different sense of yourself absolutely where you were less in panic less in the grip of what they are going to do abandon me and no I'm good enough and from that place you started saying okay, nothing bad is going to happen to me this is how we decrease jealousy it's not how we react to what the other person does but how we feel about ourselves that changes how we react to what the other person does absolutely and it's been an incredible freedom and a gift that I received or gave to myself, but it took me, you know, 30-something years to learn it and you know it feels amazing, it feels amazing, but for During I struggled with that for years and I think a lot of people in general, at least friends that I knew growing up, also had issues with that, where they didn't feel comfortable or maybe their female partner didn't feel comfortable with them doing certain things. things without them there or whatever and now I'm at peace and whatever my partner wants to do, I'm like living your life, have you ever had a conversation about jealousy with your girlfriend?

I've talked about it where I am. She's very interesting culturally, yeah, I mean, I've talked to her. I'm really glad I'm not jealous, right? But Americans do think that being jealous diminishes them. They are proud when they say that I'm not really jealous. yes, it's something like it's not nice to feel other cultures, cultures, it's intrinsic to love, that's how you love, if you're not jealous, you don't love the person, yes, that's a distortion in the other direction, but It is very Cultural Jealousy Jealousy, if we follow the magazines in America, is a topic that sometimes disappears for decades and then suddenly resurfaces, but it is often seen as a negative emotion, it is not seen as an emotion that is simply An integral part of the experience of love is jealousy, so a healthy emotion in a life story.

Sometimes it can be a perfectly healthy emotion and sometimes it can be very challenging and sometimes it can become pathological. It covers a whole range. Where is the jealousy? Where is jealousy a good thing? when someone is jealous when jealousy is a good thing whenever you experience jealousy and don't feel like it's debilitating and paralyzing I mean debilitating I mean yeah I don't know I think there could be I don't mean it I think it was always debilitating for me before I learned to process it and let it go because I realized I wasn't supporting my thoughts or emotions and saying or doing things that weren't the highest level of love I would do. say or like the most conscious way to communicate you know when those scenarios would happen so I realized that I wasn't supporting myself and I didn't feel good when I had that emotion or those thoughts of jealousy in a relationship but if you were part of a culture that would He said that jealousy is not something you want to get rid of, but it actually tells you certain things and communicates certain aspects of love to you.

You would have had a different experience, maybe yes, now you know when it's positive, probably the easiest example for me is if I ask people around the world, by the way, when do you feel most attracted to your partner? He is not sexually attractive. You're just attracted to it when other people are interested in it. More. That's one of them. it is formed when other people flirt or pay attention to them yes when I see them with other people when I see other people captivated by them when I see the magnetism they have over other people when I see how others are attracted to them when they don't I don't belongs now if you are jealous of a feeling that is really paralyzing and painful then you don't enjoy it you feel insecure you feel insecure you feel scared you feel that they might leave you you realize that maybe you know that they are not attached to you, but if you are more grounded and you feel more secure in your connection with your partner and with yourself, when you see that experience you will feel a tingle of jealousy, but it is jealousy that actually increases your appreciation for your self-interest.

So that's an example of when people experience jealousy in a way that actually fuels healthy jealousy. Okay, I don't know, but I don't know if it's healthy or unhealthy because I don't think this is a puritanical definition of health, it's just that way. Here's the problem: is it problematic or is it additive? Makes sense. It's more than healthy or unhealthy. I think healthy and unhealthy are not helping us right now. Does it hurt you or the relationship or does it support the relationship? Yes, do you think there are four ways? Yes, what are the other three?

So let me ask you when you feel most attracted. What would you say to Martha? I feel attracted to her. I mean, for me. I feel attracted when she loves and. accepts me for who I am when she is loving when she um is a pre you know share appreciation with me and gratitude with me when she is joyful and her self more expressed as pure energy and love and fun and play I have a lot of appreciation and admiration for her when she lives her dreams and also because she does what she wants to do fully and that inspires me, you know, attracts me to her.

What else do I think attracts me to the fact that she is so upright with her word? with her because I feel more and more connected, grateful, grateful and safe in the environment, so I mean sexually in many different ways, but you know, when I say the first four it's simply because I've traveled all over the world asking this. question and I started seeing themes right on the spot The first is when I see my partner in his element, yes, doing his thing, competent, radiant in his element, it could be on stage working on a horse on a slope, you know, but it is basically when they are self-sufficient and when they are radiant. and they're in their element and they're passionate about something and they're alive and all those things also mean that I don't need to be burdened by a certain form of emotional care, they don't.They need you, that's all and when they don't need you, you can love them, yes, if they always need you, how does that affect the relationship?

So let's wait a second so that they don't need you at that moment and that not needing you clears the way to want it. it allows you to want because if you are necessary and you need to take care of them then you are loving but you are not necessarily wanting it you have it and what happens over time when people say this and admiration is extremely important here because I think it is much bigger than the respect, admiration implies a certain idealization and means that there is a sense of otherness she is different she is other she is her thing and in this space between her and you between the other and me lies the erotic elon when people ask about how to hold desire in the long run, this is the place in its element in its own way, yes, they do not depend on each other to be, that is love, love and desire, they relate and also come into conflict and here lies the mystery of eroticism , so that's number one in her element when she's on. joyful when she makes me laugh when she those two it's like there's a sense of vitality vitality of energy that's erotic that's erotic that's number two okay, you know and it usually means when there's an element of surprise, yeah, She's very adventurous because it's not requested, but you know, sometimes people say that when my partner is vulnerable and I say it's because that's not usually the case, right?

It's a surprise, it's a surprise, if they were always vulnerable, it wouldn't be on the list of when I am. What attracts me most to my partner is because he is different. It's the side of them that I don't get to see as often. It's the side of me that they don't see as often. Then when they accept me completely and I can open up. in a different way because it's different it's unusual it's out of the ordinary that's number two number three is when I see my partner through the eyes of others that's the jealousy piece you do when you see him so when you see others admiring or respecting or I'm sexually attracted to you or any of those things.

What does it mean? It means that my partner does not belong to me. It means other people can look at them too. They can also fantasize about them. You know, I always say that your partner doesn't belong to you. I'm only given with an option to renew every day, right, yes, exactly interesting, and the fourth is when we are apart or when we meet, so the desire is also based on absence and longing and not just being there, you know, once I say, I think maybe I want to live with this person and we want to build with this person, it's a different architecture and I need different materials for that architecture and part of the materials is love and feelings, but part is culture and aspirations and value