How To Build A STRONGER Relationship During DIFFICULT TIMES! | Radhi Devlukia Shetty & Jay Shet

You are both giving up something you both want for something you both don't want. That's what a commitment is. Imagine I gave up what I wanted to do all the time to be where Radi wanted me to be. I'm going to be. feeling upset, I'm going to think I should be doing this or I could be doing this and then you develop bitterness towards the other person that you can't even respect and appreciate them. I feel like you're actually distancing yourself by forcing yourself. together when in reality they could get closer allowing each other to have that space.

Hello everyone, welcome back to purpose and to our annual episode with the one and only radio devlucia. We do this every year, the first episode of the podcast on February 14, 2019 was

radhi

we did our one year celebration with

radhi

and this is now our two year celebration with radhi the podcast is now officially two years old oh my god that It's awesome, but I also thought number one would you keep my seat warm? For me, it's not hot, I mean, and since I'm probably the person who's been on the podcast the longest, I thought maybe I'd like to have some of my snacks.

Favorites here, but I had to bring my own tea. This is your house, I had to bring my own tea, didn't I? This is your house and the snack pantry is yours and you own this, but it's different if you bring it to me, but I'm so excited to be here. and yeah, I don't know what we're going to talk about, but I'm really excited, yeah, so Rodney and I don't plan this. What we do is ask my friends on the team, people we know, people we don't know. to come up with questions that we can discuss and that's what we're going to do today, we think 2020 was an incredible year for

relationship

s and the challenges it brought with it, so today we want to dive deeper into how we're trying to navigate 2020 and As always, these conversations are completely raw, open and vulnerable, where we share with you our mistakes, the things we did wrong, the things we learned, the things we did right, we share it all in this conversation, so I really hope you enjoy this as much as you do. me, so come on, what should we start with?

So the first question I have from our team is what do you find most

difficult

about love? I was actually thinking about this this morning when I thought about coming and talking here talking here coming and talking to you um and I was thinking about how you know a lot of

times

you end up feeling upset with your partner or irritated in some way or when it really bothers you, so In fact it made me realize that a lot of

times

you know they say it ends up being a reflection of you and I think a lot about how it ends when we have our little arguments or whatever, I feel like it's actually because it hits me in a painful spot realizing which is my, whatever we're discussing about how I'm reacting, it's my weakness and a lot of times that stubbornness, so I feel like every time we think that's enough, it's a pretty

difficult

thing.

When it comes to

relationship

s or love it's that the other person, because you spend a lot of time with them and because you know they know you better than anyone, ends up being a reflection of you, so every time you end up having interactions with them that are not so Well, actually, most of the time you can sit there and say that maybe it had a lot more to do with me how I reacted than it did with that other person, but sometimes it's them too. That's a really good answer. That's a very good answer. I think that's a good point.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would support that and give another answer to give a different answer. I also feel that the most difficult thing in a relationship is that you are always there. projecting your strengths onto the other person's weaknesses, so you want the other person to be more like you, but when you really think about it, you don't like, yes, you love not being like you, but when you say things like me. I'll give you an example that I'm super organized, disciplined, I live on schedule on time, I and and at times in our relationship, I wanted you to become like that, yeah, and do things like me, and when I really sat down with that .

And I really thought about that, I realized that I actually don't want you to be like me because I love you for not being me, yeah, and the things that you bring to this relationship, whether it's spontaneity, being fresh, always being alive, like that. . strength and I think what we do in relationships is mitigate our partner's strengths rather than amplify them, yes, and what that does is make your partner feel like they have to do something different or be something different, but in Actually, if you amplify their strengths, that's the part you love anyway, yeah, you're going to have a much more satisfying and exciting relationship, so I think that's hard for me because I think we all live in our heads, yeah, it's very true and we think the way we think.

Well, hey, what do you want to do tomorrow and say? Well, I've got like a six nine to five lined up for the next six months and I'm like, oh, so you don't want to go shopping. with me or don't you want to go get some plants and yeah, no, I agree and I feel like that, but I also think that from that you know that it also helps even if you're not doing it, even if you feel like it's a negative thing. to um realize that and to um try to correct it in the same way.

I think you can also help the other person strengthen that area of ​​their life. Okay, great, you can be super organized and I. It may not be very organized at all, but at the same time we can find a good middle ground when we're together, where it's okay, you know I like to be spontaneous, so maybe randomly you'll be fine, cool like what you do. you say oh you know I'm not going to do it, I'm just going to cancel my meeting or I'm going to do it, I'm not going to do this and we're going to do this and to me I'm like, oh, okay, and I know.

I try to be a little more organized and I think that's okay. I need to make sure I do this today. I need to make sure I give you this today no matter what it is. Try to do better too because even though it's a strength in some ways, every strength ends up being a weakness in some way too, so I think it also helps you know how to balance it and help the other person realize when they probably need change a little, absolutely fine. The second question is how has your relationship changed in 2020? How did you feel?

It felt like it was our first year of marriage because we probably haven't spent that much time together in our entire relationship, etc. I feel like for me it was like we were in our honeymoon camp where we just got married and we were learning a lot more about each other, but then we ended up, um yeah, just understanding and settling into each other. others much better than we probably have in the past how many have been married like three years four years almost we've been married five years almost five years but it feels like a year um but yeah, no, I think really. it made us um It really helped us understand each other better, helped us get into a rhythm together, which I don't feel like we've ever had a rhythm together, so I think it's actually changed the majority, I can't think of any. ways that it's changing and they're negative, I really think it's improved our relationship by discovering a lot of things, but it's definitely gotten to a point where I'm like, oh wow, that whole year was definitely a good jump or a good step forward.

For us, yeah, I would have to say one of my favorite things was that it was the first year that we started doing a lot of physical activity together because we always go and we like to travel together or something, but it was the first year that we started. actually working and exercising together yeah so we used to go on hikes to Griffiths park and then to Runyon and then we went for walks and we had so many opportunities to be together in nature because we didn't go to the gym and then we were doing workouts at home along with a virtual workout and we put on our playlist with that song you were talking about the other day, that's the song of 2020 for me and I think we were forced to spend so much. time together, but we actually found ways to do things that we enjoyed together, I think we actually realized that we were spending time together in the wrong way before, I feel like that's what made us realize that we were thinking about going on shopping together or going to look.

Watching a movie together was like sitting down and watching a movie together was the way we would spend time together and then we realized that we actually really enjoyed doing it, whether it was normal things like working out, but it feels a lot more fun for us. than to sit there and do something that I feel like, I don't know, I don't have to explain it, but yeah, something that when we're not talking or we're not interacting, um and the focus is somewhere else, whereas this is like you. We're completely focused on the activity, completely focused on the other person and it was so much more fun to do those things together, even if it's like working out or going for a walk or whatever, but it felt like a lot. more interactive and yes, much more fun, yes, and for everyone listening and watching, this was the year Radhi and I spent the most time together since we got married, yes, and since we dated, because I'm always traveling , she's back home in London, sometimes she's traveling and for us to be together in this space, we had to focus on learning even more about each other, so it was a big change for us, yeah, and like she said Radi, I think I think the same.

Fortunately, it brought us positive things and you know we got a lot closer this year, yeah, and I think it's also because I'm not sorry, it felt natural, but at the same time it was natural because we were both very aware and intentional about how we interacted. with the other person because of how bad it was in the past. I feel like we've been able to use all those mistakes that we made when we were really trying to find a way to be better as if we both intended to do better, whether it was like quarantine, whether it was whatever, I feel like we've been through so many times. in which we try and it can be as if we still are.

Not understanding each other, this time we said no, we both really want to make an intentional effort to have conversations that we might not have to resolve things in a way we don't normally resolve them, so yeah, I think so. I think that's important too because it wasn't just like, oh, this was nice, it just happened this way. I feel like it was definitely something we thought about and tried as well. I'll ask a question for um. I was thinking about this before. I liked it too and was going to ask you separately, but I thought why not ask you here, put you on the spot.

How is? It's okay, for example, you know, in a relationship, when one person asks the other to do something like I always think. about this with you because always, regardless of when I ask you to do something, it doesn't matter if you say something simple like we're both sitting there watching something and I literally tell you oh, I really want this and I like you. I haven't even asked you to do it, but you'll literally get up and go and do it for me or I'll ask you to go get something and you'll like it, you won't even flinch.

You're going to do everything you can to do it and I was actually thinking about it and it seems like such a small thing, but I actually feel like it's not because a lot of times, even if it's with your mom, your dad, whatever. He says: Oh, do I really have to go get it? Can't you do it yourself? But I think you've always been like that in general, so I'm going to ask you because I think it will be useful for you. to other people too and they are useful to me, like what goes through your mind, when even if I'm being really annoying or being a brat, like what makes you do that continuously without yes, without moaning, the first thing that goes through me mind is that you are What a brat, yes you are, you are closer to the light switch right now, you are closer to the water container right now, yes, why are you asking me to do this?

That's the first thing that happens in my life and then, and then, my monk, mine. come in and there are two sides first of all I know you're not asking me because you're trying to make my life difficult you're doing it because you want to be loved that way and I think when you realize if you're in a loving relationship and trust, you begin to realize that your partner's requests, even if they seem unreasonable and irrational many times, that is how you want to be loved in that moment and when you see it that way, yes, you go, yes. of course I want to love you that way because you're not doing it to hurt me because I know you love me you're not doing it to annoy me obviously you're not doing it to irritate me so that's the only reason You could be doing that because you need some love right now and you need love in that way or you need connection in that way or you need intimacy in that way and then you're asking for it because it's a request for love and I I think we think of requests for love as, oh, give me a hug or I need to talk to you, we think of those things, but really it's the everyday moments in the little things where someone says, please, love me, please.see me please come for me please bring me a snack please bring me a snack and I think We confuse that language because we think oh that person is being so irritable so demanding so demanding and maybe they are andthat is something you have to do.

Check it out for yourself, so if you are that person, then you have to check it out for yourself if he is demanding and stubborn or if it is a request for love. Yes, for yourself, but I have decided to believe that you love me. And so if I believe that you love me, then I should believe that it's you asking for love, but if I didn't believe that you loved me and it would really be so annoying, then it would be really annoying, yeah, and it is. It doesn't mean I don't have that thought, it doesn't mean I don't get frustrated internally with you for a second and then right after that this thing kicks in and that guides me through everything and I think when people sometimes say I like oh Well, don't you have it all figured out?

I say no, the first thought is never the thought that has it all figured out, the first thought is always, oh God, whatever, whatever, yes, it's the second thought, it's allowed, it's taking that time to think twice instead of reacting at the first time, yes, yes, so that's the answer to that question, that's great, thank you, I always wanted to do it, so this question came from our team and it says: tell me about a moment where you think we made a compromise and how it worked out. I'll go first. I know the first thing you're going to say is that I don't believe in compromises in relationships.

You know me so well, so that's exactly it. What I was going to say was what I thought as soon as I heard the word commitment. I have a very interesting relationship with the word commitment because I think that commitment makes you feel like you're both giving up something you want for something you both don't want one that doesn't make any sense, repeat that, repeat that rewind, that's a good point. , go on, have a moment j

shet

ty, so I have a really interesting relationship with the word commitment because I don't understand what commitment means. It's that you're both giving up something you both want for something neither of you wants, that's what a compromise is, so it feels like one person is getting what they want and the other person isn't getting what they want, that's what commitment is while what I've tried to live by in our relationship is that I want you to get what you want and I want to get what I want now if that doesn't fit all the time or if that doesn't connect all the time. so the only thing that's being compromised is this false view that we should always feel the same about everything and I think that just makes it actually leave room for resentment, leaves room for bitterness, it's almost like they think about this, everyone listening and watching thinks. about this for a moment imagine that i gave up what i wanted to do all the time to be where radhi wanted me to be.

I'm going to feel upset. I'm going to think what I should be doing this or what I could be doing. this and then you develop bitterness towards the other person where you can't even respect and appreciate them and if you were always dragged into what I'm doing, you might be thinking, well, I could be doing this or I could be doing that and what. What ends up happening is that I feel like you're actually drifting further apart by forcing yourself to be together. We say that again, you actually end up, you actually end up moving further away, you actually end up moving further apart by forcing yourself to be together, yeah, when in reality you could move. more together by allowing each other to have that space, so that's my relationship with the word commitment, we have both been very happy that the other person lives freely to do what they want and without the pressure of saying "okay, great, it's the My friend's birthday". for example, and if you're not interested in coming or I'm not interested in going with you, it's not like, oh my God, but you have to come like we're a couple, we can't go places without each other. we're just fine, cool, like you don't need to go and we understand that too, it's like, yeah, it's going to be boring for you, like you don't need to come with me and we're very good at making it very clear if something is important to us, whether it's family stuff, whatever it is, say "okay, great, you don't need to come to this family thing, but I would really appreciate it if you could spare some time and come here, so I think that's also where it doesn't feel like a commitment if you know it, it's the same as what I was saying about bringing me water or snacks, it's like you know the person loves it and therefore if you make it explicitly clear what is valuable to you and them.

They don't feel it yet and you still don't feel heard by them, so that's one thing, but if I know that you love me and know what's important to me, I feel like you always know when you need to show up and if, for example, you haven't and I may not have communicated it to you, if I tell you later it's always like oh I'm so sorry, I had no idea how you felt, um and yeah, I think it's important. one like letting the other person know what's valuable to you and if it's really that important not to say oh come with me and the person says no and then you say oh okay it doesn't have to be that way. which may be an oh but please I really like this is very important to me so it's communicating and letting yourself know about it and also, yeah, understanding that the other person loves you and if they say no, no. it's because you're trying to hurt yourself it's because maybe they really do have something more important to go to or do, yes, and I think you're right that that's a very good point because you expect the other person to read your mind and know why. what should be important to you and yes yes you often have that thought that you should know this is important to me but the truth is in every relationship no one knows until you explain it to them and I think in our love relationships . and our romanticism, even in our friendships, yes, we just hope that everyone fully knows what we value, yes, it's even with family, for example, only if someone is very close to their family, you hope in your mind that they realize that that is something important. but if, for example, that person is not that close to their family in their mind, it's like, oh, it's my uncle's birthday, you come to my uncle's birthday and say I'm not even going to mine, that's not you, but generally someone.

Otherwise, you might say, "Oh, I'm not even going to go to my uncle's birthday because I'm not that close to them, so I think it's like you expect the other person to live like you live and how you have your relationships or how you live." ". We value things and it's an unfair expectation because people have been through so many different things in life. Awesome, okay, the next question on the list is that we both have such hectic schedules in life and so much work ahead of us and all our commitments, how do we do it? We find time to spend time alone and time together.

Actually, I can also have so many, so my family member always likes it, but does he have time to spend with you? Do you have time? And I was talking to one of my family. friends the other day and she said to me: Are you sure you guys spend time together? And I was like, Yeah, we spend a lot of time together, but I can understand why people might think that, but yeah, you know what I don't. I feel like we've ever really felt each other. I feel like even if we've had times where we've been apart for months, we make an effort so that when we're together, especially recently in the last year or two years, would you say?

Let's say two years ago we started doing, yeah, we started doing something where we make sure we have at least one weekend that we spend together and sometimes that's more time that we spend together, even if they were seeing someone every day for about a month because it's condensed time, it's intentional and it's for the sole purpose of spending time together and communicating and being together in a meaningful way, so yes, we definitely make that time, but it's also because we choose to, Yes I believe. Luckily we both gravitate towards quality time versus quantity time so we'll both be fine, if we're both tired today we'd rather not force ourselves to try to spend time together and give each other space or time. to decompress and this weekend we'll make sure we spend time together instead of today's artificial force, we had to spend time together because we promised or said we would and it's like, but maybe we both don't have the right energy.

Right now we don't have that presence, so I think it's a mutual understanding at the same time. I feel like you know they've been different parts of our relationship. I remember when we lived in New York, we probably didn't have it. We didn't spend much quality time together because the only time I had free was on the weekends and sometimes I was also busy working and you were doing all your courses and your work on the weekends, so I spent a lot of weekends alone and you . I spent a lot of weeks alone, weekends, weekdays, yes, yes, and if you think back, that was literally the pattern of our life for two years and then there were trips to London and everywhere else I went. and I think through all of that it was always about savoring those moments, it was about really appreciating and realizing that we were in a

build

ing phase, so I want to address something here that I think will be really interesting to people. , since I talk a lot about the five cycles of life. that we all go through, so we learn, we experience, we realize, we strive, we thrive, and these are different stages that you go through every year and when we were in New York we were in a

build

ing phase of our life like we were both building, we had just gotten married.

I had literally just started my career, you were figuring out your career, we were in a building phase, yeah, and I think when you expect a lot from your partner when you're both building, it can be very demanding, but now we're in a phase in our lives. , where we act out certain things where I have a little bit of a rhythm and a role, so I can spend more time and you're in this different stage of your life and I feel like when you start to see your life as stages, yeah, instead of as if all this were forever, forever, yes, it's like it couldn't be like that and in fact there is a very good book about this written by Gary Chapman and I think it's called The Four Seasons of Love or the Four Seasons of Love. marriage or relationships and talk about what your relationship is like right now in the summer, winter, spring or fall season.

Now when I think about this, I think we all want our relationship to always be in the summer. I mean, I like winter, but oh yeah, okay, yeah, we always want our relationship to be summer in the sense that it's hard, it's exciting, it's great, it's like everything is good in the summer. We all look forward to summer, but maybe your relationship is at a point in life right now, like this book says, your relationship could be in winter, it's going through a dark period, a cold period where you just have to endure together, yeah, when I think of New York, yeah, when I think of us in New York, it was a little bit of winter in spring, yeah, like it was a little bit of winter in spring and fall, where you have to let go and you have to let go and I think back to when we first started dating, there were times when our relationship was in the fall, yeah, where we were just letting things go and purging and removing energy.

I know when you were going to yoga classes and, yes, yoga teacher training, so I think that book is a great model and reflection that I've had for a while. that your life goes through stages and seasons and stop trying to make every day and every week be summer yes, I really love it, that's great, what a great book, yes, I had a reflection, I started researching and then I found the book and my way of being. Thinking about it is like you know it's winter, you take out an umbrella, yes, you know it's winter, you put on a coat, yes, but if you think it's summer, you still expect your partner to know anyway, so this It's an interesting question, what movie or TV show do you think offers the best example of a healthy relationship?

Oh my gosh, that's a good question. Automatically in my mind I go to "this is us" because it's one of my favorite shows, I've never seen it, you've never seen it. but it's so good and um we love chrissy our good friend loves chrissy um but there are actually really lovely examples of couples who like to get over things whether it's as the main couple I'm sure to be honest , most people have probably done it. You've seen it, you're just weird, but um, yeah, the main mom and dad and then there's um Sterling, what's his name Sterling Brown Sterling, the actor, yeah, probably, yeah, yeah, I think that's something Sterling or Sterling, something you'll know who I'm talking about, but their relationship.

It's amazing because they go through a lot of ups and downs, but they're really good at communication and I feel like it's a really good show to show very different types of relationships, even Chrissy's relationship with her partner, her husband on the show, they're all very different. in the relationships and the way they communicate, but they show themselves very well, yes, very, very realistic and useful relationships. I feel like yes, I love that show, it's so good, in fact. I struggle with this question because I don't think I watch a lot of TV shows, but I do watch a lot of movies and I think when I was a kid I had very little vision.healthy love because of movies, it is very true, so I grew up watching Bollywood.

A lot in movies and I remember thinking that this is what love should look like, yeah like a flower that appears in the middle when two people are about to kiss, yeah they do it in Bollywood or like everyone is dancing and like if there were all this. Like a field, there are all these puppies, yeah, and music plays when you fall in love and I run towards you in slow motion and my hair falls naturally like this, yeah, and you come towards me and then it cuts off because they don't. show anything else in Bollywood movies, yes, in the past, and that's what I grew up with unhealthy love projections, yes, and what comes to mind when I think about this, apart from the latest dance documentary by Michael Jordan, which doesn't show marriage, but shows team love, camaraderie and collaboration.

I'll try to find a little more. In fact, I think it's the happy place, uh, the good place, sorry, the good. I always call it the happy place. Kristen Bell's character, Eleanor. and his relationship with chidi, the way it shows the dynamics of the relationship, it's really interesting, about what is a good relationship, what is support, what is friendship, i think it answers a lot of deeper questions, yeah, it's a such a good program, it's such a great program. I'm really enjoying it and we're late, but we love it, yeah, and I think it has so many good messages, so I'd have to go with that, okay, great, it's us and a happy place, yeah, no.

It's the good place, good place, yes, I call it the happy place and yes, and I'm going to get back to the shows. I grew up and grew up in the oc and desperate housewives are not good examples of relationship and friend ideas. I grew up, what did you understand? I wouldn't say it's the best relationship, it's just comedy and yeah, but I agree with the movies, it's for girls and guys I guess, I didn't think it was that big. thing for boys because I never, I don't know, growing up, I always think that boys don't like romance at that stage of their life, but for girls, I think for sure you're always seeing how similar the girls are. . like the damsel in distress and the guy who saves him, saves her and I think it's um yeah movies ruin you okay this is an interesting question have you ever experienced doubt in our relationship and how do you express doubt? ?

I guess maybe it's right at the beginning when I'm trying to think that I'm sure I would write the beginning and then like you know right before you get married and it's all a little confusing and there's so much going on because of the wedding and then you say : "Oh my God, I have to marry this person" no, I don't know, I want to know, yeah, I think I probably just guess right at the beginning, when everything was up in the air because, like you know, I'm sure, in most cultures, but in the archives it's like the man should have a job and the man should be the breadwinner, and which is not true, you shouldn't have which is not true, but he should have everything solved. before you get into a relationship with that person, everything should be established before you even think about marriage and we didn't really have that, so I think probably at the beginning, but I was very lucky because my mom and dad really were so okay, I naturally feel like doubts can arise in your mind when other people come into your mind, um, but I think I was pretty sure, I felt like I immediately knew that I had a connection with you, I knew that your values ​​and the person that you were um, I just knew. that we could grow so deeply together and that's really what I was focusing on and then I was so lucky that the rest of everything else fell into place, but I'm so grateful for that, but I.

I knew that the main thing I wanted in the relationship was for us to grow deeper in our spiritual life together and that was the main focus for me and then yeah, and then we started having fun. I was like, oh, he's funny like he was just not only like a teacher and so deep, but you were so funny and all the things that maybe I hadn't thought about that were important to me started slowly coming to me. I thought, oh, that's really important to me, oh my God, I did that. I didn't realize at first that that's what I wanted, but yeah, the hesitation was definitely definitely taking it away from me, constantly coming back to the fact that I wanted to be in that relationship with you for that reason and, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good honest answer, yeah, I think my only doubt was always and it's funny because it's so hard to express this because I remember it was so funny when your family mentioned this to you and they were like, are you sure? he's not going to run back and be a monk back to the monastery and it's very interesting because my only doubt in our relationship previously was no longer whether I should have been alone, yeah, so my doubt was never like you or someone else or Yes You were the right person, yes, you always have been, or you or I are alone and I think that's because I love being alone and spending so much time alone and I think there was a part of our relationship where I spent long periods . on my own, yeah, I always considered that and I and I had that consideration of oh, is this what I should do?

Should I have done this? and I think a part of my doubt came from a little bit of sadness that I was like oh I'm taking her away from her family I'm taking her you made her dreams I'm taking her like that was where my doubt came from whether I should have been alone It was oh no maybe I'm like pursuing my purpose to which I'm really totally dedicated yes, I'm taking it that's when my doubt arose. Am I so selfish that maybe I should be doing my purpose alone? Why should I drag anyone else along on my journey? and in fact I think at first I probably felt that way too, probably when we went to New York it definitely felt like a compromise because I felt like it was the only thing I really had at that point in my life that I really valued and felt.

I was very particular about my family and that was what my whole life revolved around, so I guess in the beginning, because I hadn't matured in my thoughts about what this relationship was, I felt that way and I remember there used to be times where I thought, Well I don't remember but I'm sure there were times where in my mind I felt like we have to go back for my family to do this because you took me away anyway like you. I've taken me to New York and now we have to do this because I want to do this or we have to like, you need to do this for me because we've done this for you and um yeah, but but definitely Now, looking back, I realized that actually everything was much more because I like it, so I don't feel that way at all anymore, but I can, yes, I can relate.

I probably had those feelings a little bit at first. You probably feel like no, it's good, I think they're great conversations to have and the interesting thing about these conversations is that sometimes you don't have them in the moment, yeah, if you don't monitor them well, that could end up breaking down. something definitely and we are lucky that it wasn't like that. I feel like I could have done it. However, if I hadn't, if then I didn't choose to find out what was going wrong with me and I was projecting all of that. you and make it feel like the problem was our relationship or the problem was you, but in reality it was me who had a lack of self-awareness that I had to do, otherwise I think I would have continued to constantly blame on that and constantly I felt that way and I have so much admiration and respect for you for that because I think it's so easy.

I always tried to compensate and help as much as I could, but I feel like you do that. What's made our relationship so strong is that you've really worked hard over the last few years to discover yourself working and you've tried a lot of things like, yeah, it hasn't been easy and you know, I feel like it. I found mine when I was 18 and I've been doing it for 15 years and it's funny to me to think that because a lot of people online are like oh jay, you've only been doing this online for three or four years. and I've been doing this for 15 years, but for you I've watched you since we met, which is what you know, I'm sorry, since we were together, which is almost eight years ago and I've watched you try.

Try experimenting with this and it has actually been really amazing. Why don't you tell people what you feel your journey to discovering your true passion has been like? Because I think people see you now and you have your amazing YouTube channel and your Instagram. page and all the wonderful things that you're doing and people may think oh yeah, more like just and yeah, you've always had this energy that everyone loves you and that I fell in love with you, but the way you're expressing now It's definitely evolved, yeah definitely, to be honest, I feel like I had no idea what I was doing until early March of last year when all this started happening and it was the first time I had to literally sit there and be like oh shit I have no excuse of oh I can't do this because I have to travel with Jay like I can't start my own business because you know I'm never really in the country and it's really hard I just want to focus on what Jay has and I'm just there to support him and I realized that that was true and I wanted to do that, it was probably a big cover for me not wanting to really figure out what I wanted. to do because everything seemed so scary to start something um and yeah, it just took all of that away from where I was, no, I have to fill my days with something that feels meaningful and figure out what that is to me and how.

That's what it seems like to me so I just started and yeah I definitely tried a lot of different ways and different things whether it's like I created a website during that time and you know it's not the best website but it's like the website that I started. I started and I put a lot of effort into it, I made like 100 recipes in a couple of months because I really focused on it and it just showed me that I was a person who would start something as soon as one felt a little overwhelming or even felt like I was getting better or having success in some way.

I'd be like, "Oh my God, that means I have to take it one step further and I'm not sure I want to do that, okay, let's just turn it off." and go somewhere else and do something else and I and I realized that pattern that I had and then I was really determined not to do that with this because I almost like getting in my own way of being a failure in my mind being a failure because I chose not to take the next step, not because something else stood in my way, but because the fear of the next step always scared me enough to not want to take it, and because of that, it was truly surprising.

Actually, it was like I was looking at myself. from an outside perspective and I thought, oh my gosh, I never thought she could do this just like I never thought she could do that. I never thought that she would actually continue making recipes. I thought it was something that I do for a month and then I get bored and I'm like, "I can't be bothered to keep adding stuff to this website anymore, but um, yeah, and then and then I decided to try my YouTube thing, which, oh god." mine, it took so long to start because of the fear of pushing again. get away from it, but I mean you've always been so amazing and understanding about it constantly, like you see everything that happens to me before I even dream about it and I think that's been really nice because every time I've had doubts about you .

They've been amazing at helping me through them practically, whether it's as a form of support or just love, but a lot of times he actually takes the time to have conversations with me and I avoid the conversations and you're like Well, what do you need to do next? What is it? I do not want to talk about that right now. I haven't figured it out and I just don't want to talk about it, but you would help me constantly. like pushing me because you saw I was coming from a place of fear, not because I didn't really want to and I think that's really important too, it's like I know that with a lot of your stuff, like nine percent of the time, you don't do it. .

You don't necessarily need to talk to me about it, but there are certain times when you want to discuss things and vice versa, like I obviously like this. Obviously I need you to input a lot more of my stuff because I feel like you've done a lot of the things that I've done and I really appreciate your advice, but I think there's a lot of support in a lot of different ways in the times that I needed it and, yeah, I just did it. I did. I don't realize that I don't know how I did it and how I got here, but I'm so happy I did it.

I'm really happy because I never expected that I would be able to do that and I'm really sorry for everyone. Also, hearing this I thought that's where my spontaneity can be a strength and it ended up being something that was a weakness for me in the areas where I wanted to commit to something and um, yeah, I'm just being honest and I'm not just saying this. Genuinely, if I can do it, ask my mom, she will tell you if I can do it. I know 100 that other people can do whatever you like, just try it and um, yeah, I can do it?

Oh my goodness, you all can definitely do it, but enough about me, what I really love about the way you are doing it is that even though you have become more organized, disciplined and focused toSort this out. You haven't lost who you are. Yeah, and I think that's the hardest part and I love seeing that in you. I like each and every one of the videos. The amount of effort you put in. I know. the amount of effort that goes on behind the scenes when you're about to release a video and you like your nerves and your excitement and you just want everything to be wonderful for everyone and I love it, I love that even though you've become organized. and focused and disciplined and all those things that you've had to learn and that you haven't missed because I think that's possible too, so I love seeing it and it makes me very happy and what you just said in the In the end, you know that There's an old rule in relationships that says don't keep score and it's been said for many years that you don't keep score in a relationship, but often keeping score feels like oh, I did this favor, what did someone else do? ? and what I've realized is that punctuation shouldn't be kept forcefully and what I mean by that is I really feel like sometimes you carry the relationship emotionally and then I may carry it mentally but you carry it emotionally and then if you just you're looking at the mental score, right, I'll say like, oh well, I'm doing everything, why don't you do anything mentally, like you're not planning, you're not setting goals, you're not doing this, but that's it. because I'm just measuring it on my scorecard and I think it's very important to say, well there are so many different scorecards, there's physical, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual, there's five scorecards, first of all, I shouldn't There may be a scorecard, but I'm saying there are five types of giving in a relationship and you only look at the one you give, but it's also helpful to think of it that way, like you're saying there are no scorecards, but I think it's useful because I think naturally we all have tendencies to want to be the hero or want to be the person we like, oh but I've done this and I've done that, and looking at it that way allows you to see where your strength is on your card from school, but then I realize that hopefully the other person is also contributing, so I think yeah, um, but yeah, that's a really good way to put it.

I've never thought about it that way, yes, no, I've thought about it so many times. I think whenever I've been in that position of oh, I'm doing so much for this relationship and I do, there are times where I feel like yeah, I'm doing this and then you just stop and it's like that's just stupid because there's so many. levels where you take the relationship totally and I encourage everyone to do that with their partner. Just look at where you take the relationship and where it takes me and the relationship. I promise you that someone in your relationship is carrying something and if they're not carrying anything then it sure isn't a great relationship, but I think there are so many relationships where we miss what someone is doing, I think that really stops you from doing it and In fact, I didn't think about it that way, but every time I think about when I'm irritated by something or when I feel that way, thinking about it your way and sometimes I've thought about it that way, it makes you really not be selfish like you often do, if you feel that way, you may end up avoiding continuing to do that or continuing to be the person who runs this section, but I think when you think about it like these other four.

Areas where that other person could be helping or burdening you prevent you from limiting yourself in what you can give and realizing that actually I could be giving everything in this category and that's okay because he is giving everything in this category and I'm not. . I want that category, so I'm good for him to handle that, um, and yeah, I think it's one that just reminds me of all the things that I always like, even when I put on cooking things or I wake up. just being like you know jay ever cooks for you and jay does this for you and I say no and it doesn't irritate me at all because I don't like doing finance stuff like it can be a cliché. like you know I like being in the kitchen but it's by choice like I love being in this it's not because you're a woman it's not because I'm a woman that's what I want to say yes yes yes and like sometimes when you're there Ha There have been times, remember when, some days, I'll be like um, someone, you'll say, oh, someone's come to a house and you're like, yeah, this is their work area and some people don't even know what I'm doing. and I say, are we both laughing?

Yeah, I always show people my office, which is where we are now, yeah, and then when we get a kitchen, I would say this is Riley's office and I don't mean that in a condescending way. or sexist at all, it's actually his office, yeah, that's where you experiment and that's where you create recipes and yeah, but yeah, I think it's really important because I still always get people over, but that's the way it is. It doesn't bother you that he doesn't cook, doesn't he know you? They don't even want to try or make you a meal and I say no, because I really don't want to learn about this thing that he does and he. drive and I think it's very important because you can get so caught up in what other people do with each other in relationships and what other people carry with each other in relationships and you see this aspect and you think, well, why?

Doesn't he carry that for me and why doesn't she carry that for me or does she carry that for me and I think it's very important because he can really stop you from giving as much as you should or want to give. in a relationship because you're putting up your own barriers and telling yourself that you shouldn't do it because he's not giving you exactly enough good, a couple more questions, so this is a good one, when are you most afraid of being vulnerable with your mate, when are you most afraid of being vulnerable? When are you afraid to be really honest and open?

Sometimes I think when you know, it's supposed to be like you've already given me advice about something and then I like it. I'm like asking for like again and I'm really confused about something again and you're so nice about it, but sometimes I feel like you know when I know you're going to tell me something that I don't know. I don't necessarily want to listen because you've already told me before and I don't necessarily want you to give me the answer because I know you're right and that bothers me a lot, so sometimes I don't feel like being vulnerable. how I feel because I know the answer you are going to give and I don't want to hear it.

So what do I need to be to help you be more vulnerable? No, I think it's more me, no, seriously, no, no. I think this is a lot, so I just think it's me just wanting to be stubborn and not wanting you to be right, that's like a recurring theme on this podcast right now, I'm not going to stop, I can't say it. That's the rule I've learned Let's say I can't tell Rodney's reflection That's what I feel most vulnerable It's like I'm not allowed to repeat something she said that makes me look good I'm like, yeah, I should really get my shit together forever he says yes, yes, we should know, tell me, you can't tell me what to tidy up, but I'll tell myself if I'm going to tidy up my things, okay, I'm more sorry.

I'm trying to think, I think the time I feel most vulnerable is when I spent a lot of money on something, I feel like that's it, but I'm trying to think about it like, oh yeah, like when you tell me no, oh Yeah. Make sure you park correctly and don't ruin the tires. I'm like if I want to win the rooms, I'll ruin them. Okay, no, no, but I don't feel vulnerable. I'm telling you, I'm trying. to think of some when I'm afraid of being vulnerable with you when I'm afraid of being vulnerable with you wait I'm not sending you anything no like I just bought a very expensive suit oh don't you want to say yes, yes, yes, exactly, yes, if I just buy an expensive suit for an award ceremony because he knows he has a good wife, yes, so I'm afraid to say yes, this has a suitcase because I'm using it and what I always think is okay, it's because of your job, yeah, every time, yeah, in my mind you know you're always nice to me, I always think it's because of your job, okay, no, you're nice about it, I think, I think it's. a silly thing just for education and those things are not you are not you at all you never stop me um and then I'm trying to think what I'm trying to think about something else I'm trying to think because that was a fun one with your health , like sometimes with health things, yes, you know why, because sometimes I like it, because I'm cooking for him, I take things very personally and sometimes you try so hard, no, I know, I know, like that It's not like that, but I feel like sometimes from you I feel like you're a little bit worried about saying if something has upset your stomach or if something hasn't made you feel good um every time you've had ups and downs with your health um or when you I've given something and suggested something and it didn't work and I thought, but why doesn't it work?

I just don't understand it and I think it makes you vulnerable and I get quite defensive. No no no. I think so, but you're trying to like me. I don't think you're going to get defensive. I think you try so hard and that's why it's hard for you because you're trying to find so many ways to support me or help me. Yes Yes. I don't want to, you don't want it to go wrong and this is what it always comes down to, it's like when you trust that the person loves you, you know that someone, even being defensive, is out of love, yes, I'm defensive, Although To be honest, no, but I don't think so, I think that's because of the fact that you're trying so hard, yeah, yeah, maybe because I'm like oh wow, and it's hard when you're not in control of something and I'm trying. to be in control of it, but yeah, I feel like that's when I realize that you're a little afraid of being vulnerable because you want to tell me but you also don't want to bother me or that's what it is. a good answer yes yes that's a good answer no yes I never want you to feel like you're trying too hard and you're not working on something because I don't think that's fair because it's not necessarily your responsibility or when you want to play playstation and you pretend it's like a work meeting with your partner and you never say that I really just want to play playstation together but you say it's for work and I say, yes, it's just because you want to play well, another, you're giving too many too, okay, so we move on to the final two segments which are fill in the blank and the last five, fill in the blank and finally yes, so fill in the blank. the blank at the end of the sentence we'll both say it right, yeah, okay, are you ready?

I'm ready. I feel more supported by my partner when I feel like we did it last time. Yes, but I don't feel the same question. more supported by my partner when he brings me snacks when I don't even ask for them that never happens no, that's why I just don't feel it right now no, I feel more that's my answer, see, I feel more supported by my partner when I bring you fruit cut, no, I mean it's fun, yes, but he likes cut fruit when he eats it like a baby because his mother used to make it for him when he was younger and when he comes back every time. time his mom cuts his fruit into a small bowl and he has a small assortment of fruit bowls every day and says, you know, I really love when my fruits are cut, so that's what I've been doing cutting fruit at noon. during my work day I haven't had it today tomorrow sitting there cutting fruit for this king here cutting fruit makes the child feel some support my honest answer was going to be when my partner is present with me when I feel like you are really completely present, okay, commitment means commitment means commitment means commitment means showing up in different ways for each other when the time is right, knowing when it's your time to show up and knowing when it's time to show up, yeah, I think commitment. it means mutual love boundaries agreements connection like when you create each other how you create a plan together you create boundaries together you create expectations together that's what commitment means and then you honor them fully conflict can bring conflict can bring well, let's say boxing so that the conflict can Bring God, I'm joking, I don't do that to him.

Conflict can bring deeper love. I was going to say something like that. No, you weren't. You weren't. No, you weren't. You chose boxing. Complicated boxing conflict can bring you. well like makeup meals like every time we wake up we say oh let's go get something like cocoa butter cream ice cream that's really what happened that's why we haven't had it for so long because we haven't had it to make up for it really We haven't had many fights lately, let's pick one of the last five, so this is a word or a sentence, yeah, stop giving such long answers, okay, what's something you recently discovered about yourself that surprised you that I can commit to things? and keep it, I always knew it, but I guess I forgot it.

I love exercising with sports. I just need to play more sports. I need to stop forcing myself to make that charming. What's wrong with our relationship? It makes you feel powerful. They are both in the same. same page most of the time I say oh I like this and you say oh I also say oh it's okay even if small or big things like we are on the same page and even if not, we are both okay with coming to an agreement that we both like it, that's mine, great, my answer is you, you, you always trust me when things are bad, what was the question again, like what does what in ourrelationship You feel powerful, yes I have you, so for me, what makes me feel powerful is when we are all in you, trust me, even when things are not working out, yes, externally, that makes me feel very safe and those things.

I'm glad, it's okay, just don't do it. Don't use my chips, choose yours, what do you think our relationship will be like for our 50th anniversary? Oh lord, I didn't choose these, what do I think? I think the better question is how we will celebrate our 50th wedding anyway. was that my family and I would have a very nice 50th celebration with the whole family together on vacation somewhere sounds great just lying here that's my answer sounds great the kids would be like just the two of us on a beach with a tennis court and cut the throat, okay, two last questions, what about your partner?

Have you come to love something that you initially didn't like? I can't think of anything good, you're going fast, no, I can't think of many things, I just like it, I'm just trying to Think about what I like about you now I think it was your taste I think I just realized that I think it was what I said before, like your lack of organization or whatever, initially that really bothered me and then now I'm like, but that's what allows you to be spontaneous, that's what allows your freshness to come out. and if you became all that then you can't, you don't know, I'm not saying you can't organize yourself like you're organizing now and you've become, but I mean, if you became a rigid organizational beast and you lose it, yes, you lose some of it. of that.

I think my thing for you is probably like your general way of thinking is not something I was used to. That's true. a good one, it's really good, whether it's the quality versus the quantity, the amount of time because I wasn't used to that, whether it's um, yeah, your general way of thinking where I used to be, oh well, maybe I don't want to do that. , but then I realized that it's actually a very good way of thinking and although I used to get scared by things like that because I felt like I was getting rid of a lot of my old habits and ways of thinking, now I've actually really grown to like it. .

Well, next I love that one. Well, fifth and last question of the entire interview. What's the funniest thing that's happened to both of you? The funniest thing that has happened to both of us. um, I was going to say I was. I'm going to say, where were you? A few weeks or months ago someone put us on this Instagram page called Sibling Revelry and what this page does is post pictures of siblings or couples and ask people to vote if they are siblings or couples and they posted a picture of us and I think 60 said brothers and 40 said couple, probably 40 who know who we are and it's really funny because all the awkward photos on that page are our brothers seriously, yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's yeah, that's probably one of the things funnier than saying "that's really funny" "that was a good laugh" "that was a good laugh" um, I can think of another one too.

I remember when we were traveling to go to someone's birthday or something like that when we started dating. and we got lost in the middle that's what I was going to say no way literally when I came back to continue no I was thinking about when we were um oh yeah that was it we were going somewhere it was a field and then somehow we remembered that We drove to a barn or a field area and I was very scared and that was the first time I was in a very scary situation with you and it was the moment I realized how you always will and will always be.

There have been sins like calm, my dad has always been this person to me, so it was cool because you literally took on that role of being so calm, you're so clean even when you're scared when I was young, even if my dad was so scared that he would never show that he was afraid and he would always have me like I never felt afraid because he was never afraid and you literally glimpsed that with you and I was like, oh my gosh. I was so scared I was so scared You did so well that day That was fun and fun Now it's not fun So yeah, yeah and that's it, quick, five, five finishes, five finishes, as always, thank you so much everyone, thank you so much for everything incredible. questions thanks for listening thanks for watching uh make sure you go and subscribe to radhi's youtube channel follow her on Instagram so she can tease you and love you yeah go and watch all her new videos she posts every week and they are the funniest she is my youtuber favorite, turn on the little notifications and rodney, thanks for always being our annual special guest next time, I think I'm hoping for some kind of prize, okay, or a cool gift, or a trophy, okay, or snacks, okay, I'll think of one from one of the previous ones, okay, but yeah, thank you, it was wonderful and I really thought the questions were great, yeah, I really enjoyed this one, I think we went really deep, yeah, we talked about doubts, we talked about insecurities, vulnerability, okay , that's all, guys. thank you thank you very much see you soon next time on the jay

shet

ty podcast by the way no actually that's what it means when you drop your mic yes you can put it down no if you want more videos like this , be sure to subscribe and click. at the checkouts here I'm also happy to let you know that you can now get my think like a monk book from think like a monkbook.com, check out the description below to make sure you order today.