How Do 90% of Americans Have Jobs? - Daniel Tosh

It's great to be here in the United States, the largest country in the world, if you

have

n't traveled much. Do we

have

to scream constantly? We are number one. It's always the people who live in the dullest parts of this country who shout the loudest. People in Kansas, which is the best country in the world, do they have Internet there? Have you ever seen a photo of Fiji? I've never been to Fiji, but I've seen pictures. It looks pretty amazing. It's hard to think that we are better. that, we're in the top ten, maybe we started screaming that every day maybe the tariffs would stop trying to cut our heads off, we're in the top ten and they'd say that's fair, who is that number one issue that was going on?

Getting old is what America has basically become? one of these factories where we just have a record like it's been 22 days since our last horrible thing and then they tear it down, we're back to zero, these things keep happening, you know, whether it's Ferguson or Baltimore. They can solve racist cops, it's an easy solution, but no one comes to me for answers. They want to get rid of it forever. What if only black people should be allowed to be police officers? The boom problem is solved and if any of you have a problem with this it's because you're racist, what about white people? white people can be firefighters we are more outdoor lovers it makes sense white firefighters black police officers who wants to take him to the softball game now yeah, it's going to get pretty tense maybe he wants to have mercy rule and next time we have one of these We will inevitably have tragedies and it turns out that you are unlucky enough to know that the person who is being accused of the crime is doing us all a favor and you don't appear on television the next day, okay, alive. next to him for 32 years I would never have seen it coming maybe you should be locked up for six months I don't find anything more disrespectful than you would have never seen it coming I have never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn't understand my brain is thinking about the fact that they are capable of doing horrible things, literally no one, my mom could blow up a daycare if you put me on TV the next day.

I was completely honest, I bet I can see it. No, sometimes it makes sense when I was. a boy coming home from school she wasn't happy to see me I think she hates boys ladies know that every man sitting next to you tonight if you could get inside his head and see every thought he ever had You'd immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off because believe me, they're capable of anything all day, every day, nothing but twisted, weird, horrible, it just goes around and around and around, and what do you do at night, then you snuggle. to them because you are so happy to not be alone and I think that says more about you that notion that your parents raised you to support your man if you are crazy the moment your man is accused of anything that you immediately distance . yourself, just be good, I don't know what you're getting into by closing the next city, I'll forgive you for the way I love this country, we are the only place with diversity, the entire planet is segregated, you realize that when you look . international sports I was trying to watch the World Cup despite hating it.

I get it: soccer, the most popular sport on the planet, that's because half the world can't afford air conditioning and that's about how long you have to run to get tired enough. to fall asleep in these godforsaken countries, have you ever tried betting on football? What is plus/less than 0.5 mm? How much time is left? It's a secret. I'm out, but we have diversity. Other teams don't have it. Or if you watch the Olympics, you watch. on our US gymnastics team we have an Asian girl, a white girl and a black girl, look at the Chinese team, guess what, did you guess exclusively Chinese?

Yes, that's all that's ever been on that team, that's all that's ever going to be on that team and you're wondering why. They don't get Gold's anymore, well you better get a Harlem in China. You think collecting iPads all day is difficult. It's not as difficult as it used to be. They now have suicide nets around their building so they can jump and bounce. sorry boss i just need some fresh air to get back to making

americans

have more stuff you get it this is a hard joke to make as a white comedian but here it goes because where this country is from now where we come from is quite remarkable, there is nothing more shameful in our country's past than slavery, okay it is horrible, but I grew up in a generation where I have idolized black people my whole life, they are better at everything, so the fact that we have managed to eliminate slavery, I have already said, it is horrible, that is off the table.

I'm just saying it's kind of cool, I mean at any point they could have said, "You know, we can run away just fine and you'll never catch us and if you do we'll beat the life out of you, that's how cool it is." jokes should stop there's a fine line between appreciating sarcasm and who this feels like a rally and you did it right that's a joke I don't do it everywhere that's a joke if the crowd gets too excited I shut it down you start hearing a a couple of yee-haws, trouble is brewing as soon as yeehaw reaches a certain octave, hate crime at t-minus nineteen, the unemployment rate in our country is around six and a half percent and we They say that's pretty good, I don't care at all, I wish the president had the guts to say what I'm about to say: ten percent of Americans don't deserve

jobs

, good evening, as if that's a number I can understand, of course, there are exceptions to that, that's not who we're talking about, but If you don't believe that ten percent of Americans are lazy, then you've never traveled anywhere, because the number that surprises me is that more than ninety percent of Americans have

jobs

and they are being hired idiots because I wouldn't have a sense of entitlement everyone thinks they deserve more than they have no one happy little kids I won't even talk to them anymore because you parents have done a great job yes I meet another kid and I ask him what he wants to do when he grows up and he says only famous people like you I'm going to kick him in the teeth you're never going to be famous you never have a chance I didn't get here because I work hard I have a gift from God everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame buddy excuse me that's an average yeah that's zero for you you you zero zero zero zero zero 20 years zero zero zero zero zero everyone has 15 minutes you know Andy Warhol was high when he said That's true, he didn't think about it.

They would quote him for the rest of eternity and much less take him seriously as an artist. Do you ever go to a cute local cafe and an artist has his work for sale on the walls? Has anyone ever walked up, looked at the price and walked away? Do you think they are just one time? I would like to walk into someone's house and beg. Wow, that is a beautiful piece. Where did you get it from? You know, Oh, funny story. The other day I was buying a spinach wrap for lunch and ate seven. One hundred and fifty dollars burning a hole in my pocket and I was like, "Hey guys, unhook this from your urinal and stick it in my living room.

You know the unemployment rate in China is the same as me because I'm American. I'm stupid." To be short, those people get up at 3 in the morning to practice the violin for 4 and a half hours, then they work on math for 12 hours and what's left are ninjas if you think for a second that we'll ever catch up to them. , you are crazy, stay home and be patient until they take over and frankly, they deserve our country. I know China is here. Let's take off our shoes. How does this work?