Healing vs. Retaliation: Surviving Trauma and Sexual Abuse | Peter and Adenike Harris | TEDxPasadena

When I was 28 years old I felt called to Los Angeles to be close to my father, who had lived there most of my life. I asked him to come to Atlanta so we could take a road trip. We packed up my 2003 Honda Civic, including my favorite stuffed honey bear, and I started driving. Pop had the idea to make the trip educational. First stop at the civil rights monument in Montgomery Alabama from Montgomery we went to the George Washington Carver Museum at Tuskegee University, there we rediscovered Pops' love for the many uses of peanuts starting starting eating them all the time next stop is Pensacola, Florida, because wherever we are there must be water and the Gulf of Mexico was calling, we drove, we laughed and cried, we exchanged our most important ideas for the future, all witnessed by little brother, honey. bear in the backseat somewhere driving the endless road through Texas and while playing on the dance floor a less beat mix tonight I must have gone into a trance and like an oracle from southeast DC I told my daughter that you have claimed your life.

Now don't live your life again, it's your time for Victor to observe the situation at first, although she said pop, you know Victor eyes is not a word, yes, but then the poetry sunk in and we both realized that it means squeeze the victory out of the negative. situation creating your own path living your life in power on your own terms victories yes that was like my dad to help me reframe a terrible experience I had when I was 14, my stepfather violated my innocence with

sexual

touching and at 16 I raped and hid the rape under some sick predatory disguise in preparation for my teenage

sexual

years.

He continued the sexual theft until I was 22, but I'm happy to say that my real father, this guy, became an integral part of my

healing

. Instead of shutting down and turning away from each other, we chose to turn toward each other, we chose to be okay, we began what I now call my Recovery journey. I started by telling my family about my stepfather. They were understandably upset, but I immediately addressed them. not to retaliate, oh yeah, and you better believe I plan on retaliating. I'm glad for your laughs, that's for sure. I plan to retaliate, but I didn't when I received the news, I was instantly prepared to find the shortest route to revenge.

I'm not a gangster, but I would have found a way to kill this man. Fortunately, my daughter directly asked me to be her dad and not her avenger. The opening words of one of my favorite novels, The Salt Eaters, by Toni Cade Bambara, poured forth. inside me and demanded an answer, are you sure, baby, that you want to be okay? How could I be okay and still be a man if I didn't go to war with a bird that had hurt my daughter's Adenike eggs under Inkay's insistence that I? that I walk with her that I follow her her example was my key to answering that question.

I recognize that despite my own innate desire to be protected and safe I did not want either of my parents to go to prison. I knew there would be nothing. personal satisfaction or gratification if they were imprisoned for punishing my criminal stepfather. I am very grateful that you listened to me. I didn't have a plan of action for my stepfather but I had a plan for my family. I am very grateful that my father complied with me and respected my request to retire and to this day he has allowed me to continue leading the charge toward our

healing

.

He showed more strength and restraint compared to his natural instinct to destroy my stepfather. Listen like so many men. He had absorbed the lessons that I must protect my honor at all costs from other men from the locker room movies of the culture of American masculinity itself. I was taught that his sexual assault is about me and that his sexual purity is directly related to what he means to me. I am a man, a good father, a protector, but I actually listened to my daughter, it was clear that she knew that revenge would only make the situation worse, so I took a deep breath and took instructions from her, starting by dedicating myself to work without any K . with his mother and the legal system to convict this man and send him to jail unfortunately my experience is not unusual according to rain, the national network of incest, rape

abuse

, one in nine girls under the age of 18 will experience assault or. sexual

abuse

at the hands of an adult of the cases reported to the police 93% of adolescents know their perpetrator and 34% of perpetrators are family members these figures do not even include victims whose cases have expired overall only 310 out of every 1000 sexual assaults are reported to the police I understand why so many victims do not come forward filing a police report requires giving a statement in as much detail as possible I had to remember and describe every time my stepfather raped me the questions research the memories that resurfaced and the extent of the branching are enough to prevent any victim from coming forward and, in fact, I was interviewed by a compassionate police officer and the effects of childhood sexual abuse and assault can be long-lasting.

Victims of child sexual abuse and assault are four times more likely. experiencing PTSD in adulthood is three times more likely to experience a major depressive episode in adulthood and often face greater struggles with self-esteem and personal flashbacks. I can relate to those statistics firsthand. I have often struggled with depression and feelings of unworthiness and dating. It was so difficult that I often met men asking me when will you be able to get over your abuse, when will you be able to forget it, let it go, some men didn't even continue talking to me after I explained my past to them, but what they don't understand is that Healing cannot be rushed.

Everyone heals differently, aside from my personal experience with abuse. In fact, I have 20 years as a professional educator, academic and personal trainer, and I can tell you that the only common thread to healing is you must acknowledge the pain, when you ignore the pain it will come back and show its ugly face and drag you back to the original symptoms of

trauma

. Many times this happens with our warning and at the most inopportune times you must overcome your

trauma

, but first you must make a conscious decision to be okay step by step, yes now, with each step we take on our healing journey, oh the I had it back, no doubt about it and at the same time I also looked for ways to take charge of my own healing and there is no doubt that I needed healing too.

I dove deep into my lifelong love and commitment to literature, creativity, art, and music. I wrote poems. I embrace the freedom of jazz. I dance with my old temptations and the earth caught fire. Records, yes, I attended. art galleries, as well as dance and music concerts. I even channeled my imagination into creating an entire project about happiness and joy. I asked myself what is a happy black man, what makes this black man happy, how can you be happy after you or your my dear daughter was raped by another black man a man who had shaken my hand a man who promised to be my cold father a man who told me to my face that he was not my match I was so lucky that I was able to turn to another group of black men as a critical healing step for healing, my amazing friends.

I've known a lot of these guys since I was 20 and they often stayed up with me late into the night, listened as I poured out my agony, helped me maintain my sanity as I simply admitted my sense of failure, loved me when I expressed doubt about my manhood, but everyone told a man that the only heroes who walked was to walk without any game for as long as it took as one of the first steps of my life. healing journey to deepen our relationship I wrote my father a long letter I wanted to hear family stories that had never been told I asked him anything and everything that came to mind when I received that letter I decided to just sit down and record my answers in a session in 90 minute cassette tapes after all my years as a professional writer I wanted her to really hear my voice I answered her questions with complete emotional transparency I was never defensive about my past decisions my past mistakes I promised Adenike that I had the courage of being his father, of being his dad, of being his dad, when I received his cassette tapes.

I sat in my room with headphones on and listened carefully to her responses. Hearing his voice became the first brick in the foundation of the relationship we now have. His voice gave me the courage to begin the most difficult part of my healing therapy and with the help of my therapist I continued to build the relationship with my father that I really needed and wanted. I invited him to hear the truth about what happened to me. I asked for his ears, her heart and her love and my dad accepted without a therapist as a witness. I asked my baby exactly what happened.

It was the hardest question I have ever asked in my life, but I needed to face the full truth about what I had endured. the honesty in those cassette tapes the honesty in that counseling session became the foundation of my work with my son from then until now during this unwanted crisis embracing a loving conversation with my adult daughter became the standard it actually set The standard for our future communications We established the trust we needed to continue healing and stay inspired We dug into our wounds and sought our healing What do you need to begin building your healing foundation? therapy non-abusive allies whatever you choose will require you to dig deeper into it it hurts it is difficult and it is a constant change in lifestyle but it is worth it my dad and I find our own rhythm to heal our own rhythm and cadence bringing us closer the each other and not pushing each other away, but like Chaka Khan says you have to be willing. go through the fire to the limit and to the wall, believe it, I knew that I had to earn all the love lessons I could get from this ugly, ugly experience, so I literally imagine myself bravely collaborating with nothing to trust in my vision and that I might like. fully engage with her to break any circuit of silence between us within our family within myself.

I opened myself up to discussing any and all difficult topics, no matter how uncomfortable such discussions made me, it was a no-brainer for me to choose my dad as my abusive non-loved being as my travel and life partner when making the decision to heal to change and confront your trauma choose your conversation partner wisely and remember that it does not need to be a biological family your ally can be a friend or a coworker choose Someone who can help you imagine a healthy future. Someone who can help you chart a roadmap to that inspiring future. Choose someone who doesn't automatically give you answers or solutions.

Someone who asks you what you need but doesn't let you sink into your pain. anger and frustration, I'm glad that deep down I learned from this unwanted trauma that we are both fighters, there was no way, there was no way we were going to let his former criminal stepfather win, point pure and simple, our bond grew from the father. my daughter had an RA by choosing to be well, we became friends, we felt this magnificent renewal within us, we even learned to laugh, we discovered that we could be silly together, friends, yes, in public or on social media, and no one would ever know the tragedy. of sexual assault had stalked our lives.

When we took that road trip, I knew I was at a point in my life where I needed more from my father. I didn't have the words to explain it, but I had an instinct that our road trip would become a vital part of my healing and that was me getting my voice back and my dad back. We have earned this relationship. Our life legacy is to find and use our own voices and for me it definitely means lifting our voices and singing them together. It means saying in my most personal voice yes, we are, I want to be okay, you are not defined by the worst thing you have experienced, my father reestablished the masculine standard of connection and communication in my life, our connection has become the foundation of what that I now long to have a partner if I'm going to see the rest of my life as a road trip.

I know I don't have to do it alone and I will choose to be okay no matter my fate, thank you.