Surviving Trauma: Without Forgiveness, Can We Still Heal? | Tara Walker Lyons | TEDxHieronymusPark

Forgiveness is one of the oldest concepts known to man. We learn about

forgiveness

when we are children. I have two children, one who is three years old and the other who is 8 years old, and if I had a dollar for every time I ask one of them. Asking the other person for

forgiveness

would be absolutely delicious, but beyond that, what am I teaching my children about forgiveness? Also, what have I taught myself about forgiveness so that I can share with you what I know about forgiveness? I have to go back about 20 years. In 2002, when I was about 12, I was with my best friend, who was a couple of years younger than me, and together we were in the small town we grew up in called Augusta Montana, it was the middle of the night.

It went off and my best friend and I were running down a dark alley. This alley led to a large white and red house on Main Street. This house was important to us because in this small town we lived in there was only one. The law enforcement officer, the deputy sheriff of Lewis and Clark County, and he lived in that red and white house that night. My stepfather was chasing us down an alley. We were on our way to the big white and red house to hand him over to the authorities. I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse I was born on the Blackfeet reservation here in Montana unfortunately I was not alone in my abuse my best friends I invited them to sleep over at my house like any normal girl would and unfortunately My stepfather was also abusing them but that night of 2002 something was different.

My best friend and I were sexually abused, but this time we were angry. This time we had finished telling my mom. This time we were going to go to the police as soon as my stepfather found out what we were doing he jumped out of his chair and started chasing us down the driveway. This was the scariest night of my entire life. I remember everything. I remember the sound of gravel under my shoes. I remember exactly what I was wearing and I remember exactly how confused the officer's wife looked when she opened the back door and found two little girls standing there.

We explained to him what we were doing. We explained that we thought they were

still

chasing us and she went inside. and got a cordless phone, came back and said that in order for us to move forward we would have to call the 911 dispatcher and report what we were doing there, so we did that and explained to the dispatcher on the phone that we were there to hand my stepfather over to the police for sexually abusing us. She allowed us to enter and there we waited for the officer to come down. He came down and was wearing his full uniform and had his gun belt on, his pepper spray and his handcuffs. and I vividly remember thinking in my young mind, wow, this is a really good cop, he sleeps in his uniform like that, he's ready for crimes to happen, so he asked us to sit down and fill out police report forms, so Together, my friend and I sat down. and I filled out these forms with our stories, that's when my friend's parents came to pick her up and take her home.

She gave me a big hug, told me that everything was going to be okay and went home. That's when it was time to think to find out what was going to happen to me the deputy explained that he had spoken with my mother on the phone and that she was going to support my stepfather in this she told him that she no longer wanted to have anything to do with me the deputy I called my immediate relatives in the Fairfield and Shoto town area and said they didn't want anything to do with the family drama, so he explained to me that what was going to happen next was going to be difficult and said that there was no choice for me. nowhere to go except a children's shelter in Helena which was about 85 miles away and just as the sun came up the cruise ship stopped in front of the big white and red house and I remember wishing I could ride shotgun but I couldn't, the police officer placed me in the back seat on the cold hard plastic and it was at that moment that any feeling of triumph or victory I had went out the window.

I was the one in trouble. My stepfather was never charged or convicted, he was just forced into community sex offender treatment and never put on the registry, so I wrote to Helena in the back seat of the police car and I got to the children's shelter there and I stayed there for several days. Until the Department of Family Services was able to complete a background check on my real father, who lived in northwest Montana, my father was finally able to come pick me up and take me home immediately after this, I went into this completely ignorant mode of being .

What I've been through with sexual assault is very embarrassing, if he makes you feel like it's your fault and I didn't want to feel that way then I just pretended like nothing happened. I did well in school. I graduated high school and decided. I was going to go to Alaska to go to college and I did. I wanted to be an air traffic controller, but before I knew it, my

trauma

started showing up in really scary ways. I had never received mental

heal

th treatment, so I don't know what was going on, but before I knew it my life was spiraling.

I was using drugs. I left university. It was time to come home, so in 2010 I got on a plane and flew home to Montana and as I left. Using drugs I changed drugs for alcohol and I started drinking a lot and I kept drinking and I kept drinking. I had reestablished contact with my mother and we were fighting constantly. Our relationship was very turbulent, but that's how my mom was. They had always taught me. that she needed to forgive, but the truth is that I hadn't forgiven her at all when I returned to Montana. I was driving on Highway 93, the same road you all will take when we leave here.

I was driving. On the road in the middle of the night my windows were down my hair was blowing in the wind I'm sure there was loud music playing I don't care in the world ladies and gentlemen I'm about to be arrested for driving under the influence in the state of Montana, when you are arrested for driving under the influence, you must complete what is called a chemical dependency evaluation and this basically means that you sit down with a mental

heal

th professional and go over your crimes. and your

trauma

s and make a determination about what level of care you would like to receive or think you should receive.

For me, it was determined that I needed to attend inpatient treatment, so a couple weeks later I was in Butte Montana and checked out. I entered the Montana Chemical Dependency Center at the Montana Chemical Dependency Center I learned healthy ways to cope with my trauma coping skills. I learned about emotional regulation. I also learned the importance of self-care. This was the first time they gave it to me. I had the opportunity to have a mental health care professional and be qualified. It was the first time and I had never sat down to tell my story to someone like that, so I told it to my counselor and I remember so vividly she said Tara, this is going to sound. like I was being really mean, but the relationship you're trying to have with your mom is unhealthy and I didn't want to believe her at first, you know, that's my mom, I wanted my mom in my life, but as I learned my counselor had reason I didn't listen to my counselor and decided that I was going to visit my mother in Augusta in the same house where she lives and her husband I also went to visit her and while I was walking inside her house I discovered that there was a 12 year old girl having a sleepover at his house which didn't sit well with me at all I got angry I went home and decided I was going to use my voice for the second time but this time I was going to tell the world so I sat down in front of my laptop I made a video and I recorded my story just as I am telling you here today and I decided to use the power of the social networks in which I uploaded the video.

Internet and the response was immediate, it caught everyone's attention and before I knew it I was telling my story in schools and prisons, but I couldn't have done it without my understanding of forgiveness while I was in treatment. They gave me a reading. where I was supposed to research forgiveness and learned a lot first. I learned two things: forgiveness does not mean forgiving, secondly, forgiveness does not mean revisiting thirdly. I learned that forgiveness does not have a single definition, there are multiple types of forgiveness and I believe understanding them can empower the victim. The first type of forgiveness is full forgiveness, also known as exoneration, and this is the highest level of forgiveness.

Well, complete forgiveness can be set as a goal as it is healthy, it is not always possible in cases of child sexual abuse or even just sexual assault, usually you will find a victim who finds it difficult to forgive, please do not expect forgiveness total of all. The next type of forgiveness is called conditional forgiveness, also known as forbearance. Conditional forgiveness means that you are putting the relationship on conditional release it is important to the victim and she will move on without feelings of revenge or resentment and the beautiful thing about conditional forgiveness is that over time trust can be rebuilt and can transform into full forgiveness and I think that's really beautiful the third type of forgiveness is called false forgiveness and this is not healthy and this is where I got stuck with my mom I convinced myself that I had forgiven her but in reality I didn't and how did I know This is It's because I

still

felt feelings of hate, anger, revenge and that means I didn't really forgive.

The next is unforgiveness and this is the complicated one. It is probably the most common, but it is widely accepted that it is unhealthy. How do you forgive the unforgivable? and without forgiveness we can still heal well. I think the answer is yes and that is because of an option called release with release you are releasing this person from your life just as you are releasing your feelings of resentment and revenge and hatred and anger by forgiving. what you can and leaving the rest. I think when we approach forgiveness as a process with multiple options we don't put ourselves in a corner and for me I was able to start using my story to empower others, I didn't just start talking. and sharing my story, but I started lobbying the Montana legislature for changes to our laws last year.

We were able to eliminate Montana's statute of limitations for sexual abuse crimes. We were also able to extend the civil statute of limitations to give victims more time to sue their abusers in 2017. I passed House Bill 298 that aimed to educate Montana public school children about safety. bodily. It was signed in April 2017 and called Tara's law this past year with the help of some amazing legislators we could. to establish the nation's first Sexual Assault Survivors Day here in Montana, on April 7th of this year, we will celebrate our first holiday. These achievements helped me take back my power, but I was also able to take it back in person with the With the help of an incredible attorney, I was able to file a lawsuit against my stepfather to my amazement during the only legal deposition that occurred.

I expected him to lie and say that he hadn't done anything to me, but to my surprise, this man towered over me. about me as a child and spent countless nights sneaking into my room on his hands and knees collapsed before me and admitted what he had done ladies and gentlemen child sexual abuse is very common one in four girls and one in six boys They will be sexually abused before the age of 18, if you are a Native American baby like me, born on a reservation, your chances increase to one and three, this also means that sexual predators are also very common and, in my story, the real police officer that my friend and I ran into in the middle of the night was just charged and convicted of sexually abusing children last year along with child pornography will be sentenced in April in Helena in federal court talk to your kids the most line of defense is to educate your children about body safety, tell them what to do if something happens to them next, if a child comes to you with accusations of child sexual abuse, believe them finally, choose them, choose your children always and I want to leave you with a last thing there is a person in your story who deserves forgiveness no matter what someone who probably made a lot of mistakes burned a lot of bridges probably treated people very badly or maybe even got arrested like me this person who deserves your forgiveness no matter what May you be the trauma survivor yourself and I think it's an idea worth sharing, thank you.