Harry Potter: Hogwarts in 2020

(students chatting) - Silence. Enough of your complaints. (Severus sighs) Welcome back to another magical year at Hogwarts. As everyone knows, the Muggle-born COVID pandemic has become so widespread that we in the wizarding world can no longer ignore it. As such, we are taking note of the muggles and moving all of our classes online this year. I realize it's a terrible, terrible inconvenience, but we all have to find a way to deal with it. - Oh, what potion is that, professor? - A sunrise tequila, Mrs. Granger, a very advanced concoction. - Hey, professor. Why can't we just use magic to get rid of the virus? - Because, Mr.

Longbottom, the logic of the wizarding world is held together with duct tape and begins to fall apart at the slightest scrutiny. I mean, we loan incredibly powerful time travel devices to 13-year-olds so they can take extra classes. Nothing makes sense and it would be better if you didn't think about it. Anyway, I'll be your defense against the dark arts professor this year... - I'm here, I'm here. Hello. "Well, well, Mr. Potter, it's very kind of him to fit us into his busy schedule." - I'm sorry everyone. The wifi under the stairs is really bad. And it took me a long time to connect. -Did the Dursleys make you go up the stairs, friend? - Yes.

They said they didn't want to take any risks, so I've been locked up here since March. - If you're done with the jokes, Mr. Potter, I have a class to teach. - Ha! I guess you'd let your Muggle family treat you like trash, Potter. After all, you're just a mu-- - And that's enough of you, Mr. Malfoy. As a reminder to everyone, there are no racial slurs in this class. It's

2020

, wake up. - Wow, did you use a silencing charm on him, professor? - That? No, Mr. Weasley, I silenced you. I have administrator privileges. God, you're stupid. - Oh Ronald, while the Silence Charm exists, given the physical distance between the professor and Draco, there is no possible way for it to have any effect on him. - And Mrs.

Granger, who knows everything, only cost Gryffindor 10 points. - Are you kidding? - Make it 15, okay? - Wait, are we still doing the House Cup this year? I mean, it seems a bit pointless since we don't live together and quidditch is cancelled. -As a Hufflepuff, I really don't think you should worry too much about the House Cup. (everyone laughs) - Because Hufflepuff sucks. - Oh. Alright everyone, I think we've wasted enough time. Wands ready. Now I will show you the explosive curse, Confringo, which should only be used for self-defense in the most extreme situations. Watch my movements carefully.

The slightest variation of this spell... - Confringo! (Neville explodes) - It could cause exactly what happened to Mr. Longbottom. Great, wonderful. We are three minutes into the new semester and we already have an injury. Normally I would tell you to go to the infirmary, but our director has not developed a protocol for this type of situation. So, stay away, I guess. (Neville knocks) I could kill Dumbledore for this. - Will he be okay, professor? -I'm sure he'll be fine. Everyone, wands ready. And this time it follows my movements exactly. (Harry laughs) Mr. Potter, would you mind sharing anything that you find much more interesting than my lesson? - Uh, it's nothing, professor.

He was just sending a quick message to Ginny. We were talking about school things. - Actually? Well, let's take a look using Screen Share, shall we? - No no no no no. (everyone laughs) - Oh my God, Mr. Potter. What a spicy DM. -It seems that Harry Potter is giving new meaning to the term student body. (Voldemort laughing) - Voldemort. - Oh, for God's sake. Of course, you'd be the one to show up and bombard my Zoom class. Where is my dawn? - You're too scared to face me in person, right? - Well, dear boy, nowadays you can't be too careful.

I mean, sure I have my Horcruxes, but who knows how the virus might affect them? - Wait, what is a Horcrux? - Nothing nothing. That's definitely not your concern. Do not search it. - Okay, let's move on. What's your big plan then? - Well Harry, I may not be able to kill you right now, but at least I can prevent you from reaching your full potential. Now prepare to endure pain worse than the Cruciatus Curse. ♪ Tiny shark, do, do, do, do, do ♪ - Make it stop! - My God, it's horrible. - Please make it stop! - I actually like it a little. - Get used to it, Harry.

Because it's the only sound you'll hear for the rest of the school year. - Oh God! It's the perfect plan. I bet you've even masked your IP address so we can't find you. (scratching record) - Sorry, I masked my what? - Wait. (keyboard click) Oh my gosh, he actually didn't. Oh I found it. Ah professor, he's hiding in Malfoy Manor. - Shocking. - That? No I'm not. Oh. (Voldemort crackling) You're breaking. I'm going through a tunnel right now, goodbye. Phew, I saved him. - It didn't even disconnect. He just turned off his camera. Wow, he's really bad at this. - An excellent discovery, Mr.

Potter. I'm sending a squad of Aurors to Malfoy Manor as we speak. - Hm, I wonder if the new episode of "90 Day Fiance" is airing yet? - Voldemort, you are under arrest. - Oh, (bleep)! - Petrificus Totalus. (Voldemort crashes) - Why didn't I listen to the damn VPN commercial? He-he points down, returning to the ministry. (students cheering and applauding) - Well done, Mr. Potter, well done. Your rudimentary knowledge of Muggle technology has apparently saved us all. (Harry sighs) - You know, it's been a pretty terrible year so far, but maybe, just maybe, things are starting to look up for a change. - Uh, stop that thought.

I just received a DM from the ministry. Voldemort has apparently escaped custody and is going on a murderous rampage across London. Oh, and Dumbledore is dead. - Oh (bleep)

2020

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