George Carlin on Letterman, Part 2 of 2: 1994-2001

I am both at the same time sometimes I am fine not dandy near dandy approaching dandy in the vicinity of dandy Hood not quite elegant other times I am really very elegant however I am not fine once August 1968 for about an hour I was fine and elegant at the same time but no one asked me how I was here there is another one the riot act the riot act they keep telling you that they are going to read that to you, have you heard this? Especially when you are a child, they like to threaten you when your father comes home, he will read you to act against riots, tell him I already read it. and I didn't like it either, I consider it verbose and poorly thought out, he wants to read me something, how about the gentleman's guide to the golden age of French kisses, one more of these, more unhappy, how about you say that, sometimes, you don't do it from time to time.

You don't tell someone oh I would be more than happy to do that how can you be more than happy with me? This sounds like a dangerous mental condition. I had to put Steve in an asylum. He was more than happy. We'll come back here with George. George Carlin is here. Good job, George. Thank you, very fun, as always, thank you very much, thank you very much for being here, how are you? pretty good, you know, I turned 60 about a month ago, congratulations, they always do, people always clap while you're there because you're still alive, it's good, but funnily enough I started ovulating again, Dave, I have yes and I'm breastfeeding well, So it could be a deadly combination.

Yes, I like to announce these things on your show, but you know you're always working, which is great. I mean, I think that's one of the keys to staying absolutely young and healthy. And I'm working fine. Right now, I mean, as nice to fellows like you. This is still working here. They pay me for this. Oh yeah, that's right, yeah, and you're not breaking up tonight. Are you something like that? No, no, because I keep reading. In these articles people think you're like you, you never, you never know, I might take photos on your own time, okay, on the way home, I'm sure you'll be fine, but you know you mentioned you're 60 years old. old and, in fact, I have some things that I've been working on really, well, you always know some of these things that are so new that one has to write them down on paper instead of in memory, right, but these are things that I've been working on uh, you know, he called me stupid, Dave called me stupid, but I always wanted to try to create a personal ad for the newspaper that no one would answer, oh yeah, great challenge that you would absolutely understand. no, no answer, no interest at all and I think I have it, oh well, okay, accident-prone old man, severely depressed alcoholic, coal miner interested in Canadian food and Norwegian folk dances, looking for a woman rich, attractive, sexually hungry and well built in her teens she must be a non-smoker, I think it could work, that's pretty good, there is never a postman and, and the other thing, and you want another project, yes, you will understand why they had to be captured on paper.

I've always been trying to find a single sentence that contains or at least references the seven deadly sins, a sentence that references each of the seven deadly sins, and that's never been done, I don't know, no, no in none of the religion books that I mentioned or read this, we want to remember By the way, the seven deadly sins just for reference here greed anger pride lust gluttony laziness and envy so here is my quote I am really angry because I am a superior human being in every way and I have less money than my neighbor whose wife I would love to catch if I just wasn't so busy sleeping and eating pork chops.

This could work. I think I understood it. It's eating pork chops. Sorry, oh gluttony, yes, but the pork chops don't stand out. No, but one has to be specific. In comedy, well, I think you've come very close on both counts. It's good, but you know your career has been so successful. You know, when you look back, you're a guy who's worked for like three decades or more, actually four. My 40 years in comedy, 20 years on HBO and 60 years wandering around unsupervised in the environment and now that I'm 16. Now that I'm 60, is there something I would like to announce or ask, it's kind of a request plus an announcement now from now on I would like to be known by a different name really if that's ok yes I would like people to call me from now on cannonball yes cannonball carla cannonball

carlin

has a nice yes and that's not asking too much it's not I think not , no, not at all, an occasional high cannonball, yeah, hey, cannonball, how's it going?

Maybe even Dave, your cannonball, would be like he could, he could understand that, we'll see, aren't you nice? Aren't you kind? Have? any regrets cannonball not now, well maybe some, can I say that I am also 60 years old because I want to slip this among a lot of people now that I am really a very big figure in Hollywood, a kind of Hollywood figure, a powerful man , Yeah? powerful man, eh, megastar, have you noticed that the word star evolved? The first star was fine. Clark Gable was a star. He didn't bother her. So there were too many stars and they had to create a superstar.

Michael Jackson is a superstar. Many superstars are now megastars. So, now. I'm at this stage, people ask me now that you're 60 years old, are you going to have any plastic surgery? You know, because this is the most important thing there is and I had a little bit on my nose. I had an automobile accident. I have undergone a type of medical plastic surgery. You just strike me as a man who has lived life, lives life, and doesn't need much fixing, except that I'm thinking of surgically altering my handwriting. shorten fingers, have you heard of this? No, it's yes, it's pretty new, it takes several inches off your finger and it alters the way you hold the pen and what's really good about it, first of all, it freezes your current autographs at their current value. forever because you can complicate that's true, sure and your new ones because there aren't any yet, it's worth a fortune, wow, because anything that there's nothing of is worth a lot.

I think you know that plastic surgery. I had another plastic surgery thing and I can't, oh, know what it was. I'm thinking, just thinking about this, going to the plastic surgeon and asking him to look at me perplexed. Wouldn't it be nice to go to the doctor's office and just call him doctor? Can you make me look like this permanently? I don't know, I'm not sure, I'm just not sure, confusion is not possible, I'm not sure, I'd better check myself, I wouldn't like to have it. I would have the wrong one check the catalogue, yes, are they that stumped?

Maybe I'm closer to being stumped. Now, your book is doing pretty well. The book is working. I'm very happy that it's number nine in the next New York Times. list that comes out and just if I can make a little descriptive comment it's not an autobiography or a memoir it's a bunch of comedy stuff and only two things are from the past that people could know only two things from the past one is thing a place for my stuff and the other one is baseball and football, everything else is new now. I uh uh, you were going to be with us, I think about six weeks ago, that's true and as everyone knows, at this point you suffered a big loss in your life.

Your wife died, yeah, uh and uh, first of all I'd like to thank you for coming back later and uh, it seems like you're doing great, I hope you're doing well, Kelly and I, my daughter, you know you move around. another between uh. reason and emotion you're using your mind you're away from it for a while then you hit it again so you know it's normal life up down left right back and forth and of course we'll be with you forever now yeah oh Absolutely the best companion of anyone could have had with Brenda, but you are doing well, thank you, I am good sir, it is a pleasure to see you.

Thank you very much, George Carlin, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back, so we'll check on those gentlemen from time to time. That's a nice story. I've been cutting Walter's hair for 30 years there at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Our first guest is a legendary comedian and the author of this best-selling book called Brain Drops that was recently published in the same magazine. popular paperback format, do me a favor ladies and gentlemen, welcome the always entertaining

george

carlin

george

, how are you, thank you very much, thank you all, well, I appreciate it, thank you very much and how are you.

I'm here tonight to talk. about sports, to my way of thinking, there are only three sports in this country, baseball, basketball and football, everything else is a game or an activity, nothing else, nothing else qualifies as a sport, as far as I As far as I'm concerned, hockey comes to mind. People think that hockey is a sports hockey, it is not a sports hockey, it is three activities that are carried out at the same time, ice skating, playing with a puck and beating someone up, if these people, if they had imagination, they would do these things one at a time, first. ice skating, then you play with the puck, then you go to the bar and beat up someone, another reason, another reason, another reason why hockey is not a sport, it's not played with a ball, whatever do not play with a ball, it cannot be a sports hockey is played with a puck.

What is a disk? I never heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a record? The only place you see a puck outside of hockey is in the urinal in the men's room for odor control and any game where the main object comes out of the men's room as far as I'm concerned. It's definitely not a sport. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Nothing you can't do. use your arms it can't be a sport tap dancing is not a sport rest my case running people think that running is a sport running is not a sport because everyone can do it I can run you can run my mother can run you can't I don't see her on the cover of SportsIllustrated You guys say I'm going to run to the store and buy a loaf of bread?

Well, it's not a sport. I'm not going to pay money to see them buy a loaf of bread. swimming swimming is not a sport swimming is a way to avoid drowning that's just common sense another water activity sailing sailing is not a sport sailing is a way to get somewhere bus riding a sport why the hell should it be a sport sailing and boxing? Boxing is definitely not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat someone up. In that sense, hockey. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating someone up is definitely not sport, despite what the police think. brutality becomes an olympic event okay then boxing can be a sport bowling is not a sport because you have to rent shoes okay don't forget these are my rules I make them up billiards is not a sport, billions is not a sport because there is no chance of serious injury unless you place a bet in a tough neighborhood, so if you see someone with a pool cue sticking out of this

part

of their anatomy, you know that It could just be a sports related injury, it's okay, gymnastics, gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it don't forget my rules, I make them up polo polo is not a sport polo is golf on horseback concept interesting it is not a sport and water polo I don't even want to talk about water polo because it is extremely cruel to horses which leads me to hunt do you think hunting is a sport ask the animals the only good thing about hunting are the many accidents that occur on the weekends what brings me to car racing now we're talking about serious injuries, people who don't.

I don't know about you, but that's what I'm looking for in car racing, a nice accident in a burning car, hey, I don't care who wins these races, it's the same five rednecks who win them all the time, anyway, I'm going. To be honest, driving 500 miles in a circle doesn't impress me, so we have tennis, tennis, tennis, tennis is very fashionable, it is not a sport, tennis is actually a form of ping pong, in fact tennis is plays ping pong while standing on the table. Yes, in fact all racket sports are derivatives of ping pong, even volleyball is a team ping pong without a racket played with an inflated ball and an elevated net while standing on the table, which guides us and leaves us with golf, the golf you ever saw, ever saw.

Golf on TV is like watching flies fornicate, frankly, I'm more excited about choosing socks, golf could be a fun thing if you could do it alone, but it's these insufferable jerks you have to hang around with that make it such a horrible hobby. the brain it takes to play golf think about this here is the object you hit a ball with a crooked club and then you walk after it and then you hit it again I say, pick it up, put it in your pocket and go home You're lucky that You found it in the first place, it's okay, we'll be right back.

Good job, we'll be right back with George. Pretty good gig for Walter walks in and washes his hair and is on TV at the same time. Can't. beat that with a hitting machine how are you, whatwith the. I really let him have his own friend. To hell with your imagination. I don't need people like that. Yes, that's true. It makes some sense. Yes, I was. He's not very good with girls, you know how you play doctor, oh yeah, he would always find something wrong with them. I found an aneurysm once again, hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, well you're saving lives, although that's nothing to get this girl to the hospital.

Yeah come on. put her on a tricycle and take her there now is there anything you want to mention coming up before uh left.com oh laughs we'll talk about left.com left.com is a website that I'm involved in it's for comedy ahead and by comedians and there's a special post right now which is about what I'm thinking as I'm sitting here yeah it's just going up if someone laughs.com they'll find out a little thing. I'm doing, I say dear people, and this is what you're really thinking, what's going through my mind, well, I'll be there and I'll give you a little report, oh, you're going to love it, it's a pleasure to see you, it's a pleasure to see you .

Thank you very much, George Carlin, ladies and gentlemen, we will be right back with Cotterfinker. What's going on? That sounded fantastic. Thank you so much. It is not too bad. I like that Richard Harris. I'd love to be picked up at a bar when I'm there. 17. I'll say yes and tonight I realize that our guests on tonight's show look alike. We realize that here with you yes, interesting, let's get the next one out. Our next guest is a true comedy legend and he's a lot like us. first guest tomorrow night your 12th your 12th hbo special complaints and grievances airs live from the beacon theater here in new york city here's george carlin everyone thank you thank you very much the wisest man I have ever met told me something that I never forgot and although I never forgot it, I never memorized it either, so what I am left with is having heard something really wise that I don't remember.

There is a new cockroach spray on the market. It doesn't kill the cockroaches but it fills them with doubts. as to whether or not they are in the right house, you want to have fun, go to a gift shop and ask for your gift if you eat chicken for lunch and then for some reason you have gone back to eating chicken for dinner, Have you ever wondered if the two chickens knew each other. Some people see the glass half empty. Some people see their glasses as half full. I see the glasses too.big, you know you have a drinking problem when you kill a man over a disagreement over the ferris wheel, maybe you read this in the paper recently about the 2000 census, they said that during that census 1.6 percent of the population was not counted, how? they know you know how to get out of jury duty, tell the judge the truth, tell them you will be a very good juror because you can spot guilty people like that, tell them it all depends on how far a

part

your eyes are. uh I was in a public bathroom the other day I had to use the handicapped stall when I came out someone said to me are you handicapped?

I told him not anymore, if a really stupid person becomes senile, how do they know you're in a small town when the restaurant closes at lunchtime so the waitress can go home and eat I want to have some fun I'll stay in line at the bank for a long time when you finally get up to the window you just ask for a nickel change they actually call other employees come up to look at you you know you're in the wrong store when you look up at the wall and see one of your checks Personal details shown as the reason they don't accept personal checks If you only had one tooth left, would you do it? brush it for a long time that's how you get rid of the counterfeit money you put in the church collection plate they don't care they give it to the blind my mother was a woman of rare common sense she once told me if the shoe fits get another one here is something not very well known george washington's brother was the uncle of our country you know what it would be very fun to be a contestant in danger and never enter just stay there for half an hour looking at the other two people go to a gun store, They buy a gun, then they buy ammunition, and then they ask if they have a balaclava.

Have you ever noticed that some hotels give you a small sewing kit? Do you know what I do? I sew the towels together, george carlin, ladies and gentlemen, we're back, thank you very much, very good stuff, thank you, very funny as always, and this is the soundtrack to your hbo show that people will be able to buy later in December again . December 11th the hbo show and the audio forum will be in stores and the show itself again it's your 12th and it's saturday night on HBO yes at 10 o'clock I know it's going to be a great success thank you so much Lauren Sterling my thanks to Richard Harris and of course Regis and his staff regis and kelly live see you on monday with kevin james and deion sanders have a great weekend good night it hurts head