"Family Guy" Creator Seth MacFarlane Class Day | Harvard Commencement 2006

Hello, I'm Neil Mesa and I'm the class marshal of the Lowell house. Hello, I am the honorable Success Marshal Albert of the Mather House. We're here to introduce you to the man you've all been waiting to hear, Seth MacFarlane, in case you weren't excited. We'd like to share some fun facts about our featured daytime speaker. Steph studied animation at the Rhode Island School of Design, where he created his first animated short film. Hanna-Barbera executives were impressed and encouraged Seth to move to Los Angeles to create and direct a short film for them. He worked on numerous animated series, including Ace Ventura and Johnny Bravo, but his biggest commercial success came when Fox asked him to create a primetime animated series.

Seth is the

creator

and executive producer of the hit show Family Guy. which focuses on the comings and goings of a unique and fun New England

family

. One of the show's most beloved characters is one-year-old Stewie, the

family

's precocious baby who, like many of you, plans to take over the world that Seth provides. The voice for Stewie, as well as for Peter, the family's dim-witted patriarch, for Brian, the family's erudite pet dog, for Quagmire, their sex-crazed neighbor, and for many other characters, he is also a driving force behind of animation, writing music and directing the series.

He has won two Emmy Awards for Family Guy 1 for his excellent voice-over performance and another for his excellent music and lyrics. Fox canceled Family Guy in 2002, but the show's passionate fan base and stellar DVD sales convinced Fox to put the show back on the air last year. among college students is unparalleled in Facebook.com users, both at Harvard and nationally, list Family Guy as their favorite TV show, surpassing others like The Simpsons, The OC and even 24. Enough is Enough Speaking for our part, we're ready to give this a traditional Harvard. Welcome before I go on stage, it seems like today all you see is our amazing classmates and Jim Lehrer on TV, but where's that good old humor we used to rely on?

Luckily, there is our classmate. Luckily, today there is a man with whom you really can. Don't say all the things that make us laugh and cry. He is our last day. Please welcome Seth MacFarlane. Thank you so much. Wait. There's nowhere I'd rather be on a day like this than surrounded by all this electrical equipment. Good afternoon, distinguished academics. My name is Seth MacFarlane for those of you who recognize me. I'd like to say mom, dad, Harris, thank you for coming, but wait in the car. I know many of you only know me by my voice and it can be a little jarring to see.

I speak in person you think, boy, it's strange to hear that voice coming out of that face and that feeling. I look a lot like Celine Dion. I don't call her stupid, but if you meet her in person I'll give you a dollar if you can find her nose to be honest. I don't even know why they invited me. I mean, this is Harvard, this is the most prestigious university in the world. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design and art school whose only athletic institution is a hockey team called nads the mascot is a giant penis called a scrotie go to a game I swear to God I'm not making this up Harvard has created brilliant multitudes of doctors lawyers authors scientists I created a television show where a quartet of barbers from the vaudeville era sing a song about AIDS their grandchildren will have impressive salaries and trust funds my grandchildren will owe money to the FCC but one thing we have in common is the shining jewel that is New England like many of you.

I come from this great region of Connecticut to be precise, and while I treasure my formative years in the land of lobster bisque and gonorrhea, that's a bit much. STD jokes in the first five minutes. I should have read this. I'm here to tell you about the place. Now I live in the real world, there is no dress rehearsal, there are no tests to take home, there are no drafts, if you unconstitutionally tap on people's phones, you will be arrested if you shoot someone in the face with a shotgun, you will reap the consequences. If you illegally invade a sovereign nation to secure oil interests and wash your asses for a personal vendetta you will be re-elected but I am not here to whip you with my political beliefs.

I'm not here to criticize current and unworthy former celebrities now I'm here because I have great love and respect for this excellent establishment. You see, it was always a fantasy, not a fetish of mine, to be a Harvard student, so for the last four years I have been living secretly among you, eating in your dining halls, attending your classes, sleeping with your women, and in a tragic case of miscommunication sleeping with Lawrence Summers, although God bless him, the man has the hands of a prison doctor and what I have learned from my covert expedition to your tributary civilization of advanced physics, law, biology, business, economics and dope.

I know it seems strange that that's a specialization, but it's actually very interesting. Classes are held at the Cabot house. We live there. for the next 15 minutes, but I know that's not what you want. You're like my mother in the sense that you don't want to hear from me, you just want to hear the voices, so I'd like to hand it over to my colleague at TV Land to offer her perspective on your progress. Greetings to the citizens of Hammond as I look out at this sea of ​​black Asian faces. I think to myself one thought: take Hitler because we won, yes, Harvard is, pound for pound, the smartest of them all.

Damn schools, in fact, I hope one day my son Chris goes to Harvard, okay, you know, I'm masturbating there, but you know, maybe one of my sons, I mean, Meg looks like a hobbit, Dale, but not me. I'm sure she's lucky, I'm not sure her brain is working, she'd probably do better at one of those real lesbian colleges like Smith or Yale, now I know all the stuffers, her kind are probably thinking, who The hell does Peter Griffin think he's our preacher? He didn't even finish college, well I can drink a case of Budweiser in 10 minutes, so fill him up with your darkest Mr.

Wodsworth, douche, but the rusties look like serious boys and girls and tomorrow you smart kids are going to be Sitting there and you're cool, caps and gowns that look like that owl on those wise chip bags. I see you out there thinking, reflecting and pontificating using words like fuselage subterfuge and MSNBC. You remind me of a lot of the smart young people I know, Doogie. Howser Malcolm in the middle and Donatello from the Ninja Turtles and we need more smart people like you, you know. I mean, I get in my car every morning and think about how my car works, what makes it move.

I get on this thing and you just know how the hell that happens. I don't understand what you do and that's why I walk in your shadow. The next wave of great inventions will come from you. I mean, how many times have they said they would? I eat some cheese right now and before smart people came along you had to wait for a cow to die and rot in the sun or something, but now BAM spray cheese, cheese that sprays like paint, you know? Whoever invented spray cheese had to have I've been a Harvard dad, well, let's say you see a commercial for one of those Soloflex and you want to order one to get in shape, even though everyone says you have to be gay to have a Soloflex , but I don't think you have to be gay to have a Soloflex so you run and grab a pencil, write down the phone number and you trip and fall and hurt your knee, but before smart people came along you had to sit there and the pain It just went away, but now there are band-aids.

How could he be a Harvard guy? You know, I've never been in front of so many smart people before, who knows, sitting in our audience, maybe a future president of the United States and when he's elected you'll say that guy, Barry, but the guy walked down the aisle the first year. balls hanging, he's the president, now the guy who shit his pants at the Fly Club and didn't even come home after that, sat there and drank four more beers and then went home. The girl went home with that Everest girl, the guy who passed out in the showers and then we wrote on his face with a magic marker, he walked around for two days with the faded word idiot written on his forehead, he had no idea that I used to urinate. on that guy's shampoo bar and now he's president, the American people just elected president p-head, but at least you guys will have the good thing about him, you can call him up and say president p-head, I peed in your shampoo, so do it to me secretary or something and it turns out that peeing in some guy's shampoo bottle was the best career move they ever made, that's just how our life works, sometimes I like to think there are no stupid ideas, listen, as smart as you Kids, you can't do it.

I'm waiting because I know Cindy, the head janitor, she's smarter than all of you combined. That's right, the guy who sold that math problem was a janitor and we all know what got him a date with Minnie Driver and that big Easter. Island had a hearse, yes, many, I said it, let me put it this way, you like apples, well your face is strangely big for your head, how do you like those apples? That will be reviewed, so I know most of you will go off to fight. the war in Iraq and others will be doing missionary work in Africa but remember some of you that Wall Street is still an option, do not rule it out because it is a noble profession that Goldman Sachs needs people and here is some advice for you Digital just Think about what the future is going digital.

I don't know what that means, but remember who told you that. Well, that's it for me because I have a chance. TBS is airing that episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Ronald and absolutely understand each other. touched inappropriately by a guy from WKRP in Cincinnati, so I'll pass it on to Stewie, but let me leave you with this advice, it's a very simple advice and each person here will interpret it in their own way and it's this good day. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, it is truly an honor to address the inhabitants of the hallowed grounds of Harvard, where boys can be boys, girls, girls can be girls, and those in between can create groups of students to overcome their lack of romantic options.

It's a day before graduation, that's one more night to get that roommate to commit suicide so you can get A's, you might want to remind him that he never had sex and that those were the best years, tap his shoulder and remind him that His parents didn't come today and if things get worse, throw him out the damn window. I may not be the coolest cat in the world, but I know something about the way college students think and I know who their heroes are and at the top of that list is a guy who Mubarik considers the epitome of the avant-garde of the cool, the trends that he establishes, you follow them without a doubt and when he opens his mouth, you young people take it as gospel, of course I'm talking. about your precious model of current popular culture, the Fonz, well, let me tell you this, he doesn't know everything, he rides a motorcycle, which is incredibly dangerous, he wears his pants two pants too tight, which inhibits sperm production , and friends, if you eat a jukebox with your fists you're just going to break them so just say I know how your minds work I know what you're thinking on this day of your advancement into adulthood you're wondering what can I expect from the outside world When I find my niche, what should I know about the vast territory that lies behind the confines of my little subculture of textbooks, ramen noodles, coin-operated laundromats, and television shows that seem to think that they can pass the time with random jokes about giant chickens that have absolutely nothing to do with the overall narrative the South Park guys are absolutely right those cuts and flashbacks have nothing to do with the story they are just there to be funny that It's a superficial whim that South Park is way above and that's why I salute you, but to my point, what's out there, but I can't tell you all the right paths to take, but I can tell you some things to avoid.

Number one, don't get a Chinese character tattooed on your Fanny if you don't understand the language tattoo removal services are putting an end to people's stupidity because the individuality of the little miss walks into the tattoo parlor and gets an Asian symbol she believes which means spiritual woman, but then you find out it means sugar substitute number two, no. be fooled by idiotic popular songs that profess to be deeper than last year Gwen Stefani released a little song titled holla back girl a few weeks later, during an interview she was asked what hollaback girl means to which she responded what do you think it means apparently every one of us is invited to create our owntranslation of what she is telling us.

My translation is: "This, Stewie, is Gwen, could you send me a bird flu sandwich number three? Stay away from the church in the Battle of a science versus religion science offers credible evidence for all the serious claims that the Church says it's here in this book, so either one is written by people who thought the Sun was magical. I, for one, would like to see some proof that there is a God and if you say one. baby smile I'm going to kick you in the stomach number four, always have at least one friend who is Jewish number five, don't believe a television series about a group of people who crash on an island if I don't know where you're going with that, don't make it up as you go because if you do, it'll start to suck real quick I'm talking, of course, about Desperate Housewives, which is just awful, Teri Hatcher You're a beautiful woman, but please age gracefully and.

Without the facial work you can't have an exoskeleton unless you're Beatle number six. If you ever fall into a deep depression, then nothing can cheer you up. Don't lose hope, just remember that the man who played Mr. Belvedere once sat on his own balls and had to be rushed to the hospital, which is absolutely hilarious. Number seven, don't get involved in politics in Florida because you might accidentally run into Katherine Harris. She this is a woman who could stand next to Hitler and people would say. Who is number eight? Ella don't wear a beanie indoors in the middle of summer unless you're an idiot or Colin Farrow.

Yes, Colin, I see you there with your field of wounds. What do you have under that wool hat? Hmm, thinking about your sideburns. It looks like you have a small tear in your jeans there - yes, that's rebellious, yes, you're a bad boy. Society wants those jeans to be intact, but you won't have any of that, right? But you know, looking outward. audience I see so many bright young faces primed and ready to reach into the very hearts of America's political and financial institutions and seize control of the levers of power at any cost; some would call it elitist over privileged and preening with a sense of entitlement I call you my base now I can see by the looks on your faces some of you don't agree with me you think you can hold on to those lofty visions of a life of nobility hmm yet They have their ideals, can they use Yeol's big brain?

To make a difference I'm going to make the world a better place I'm going to be a volunteer change agent I'm going to get a job in the public sector I'm going to sacrifice a lot of money because you don't care about that maybe you'll spend some here in the here's the Peace Corps, save to the whales, maybe join the Environmental Defense Council, recycle rivers like JFK jr. given a moment of tree is illegal and for the other privilege Africa well, they are going to be sold and now brave graduates I will pass the verbal baton to our final speaker, gentlemen and students.

I'd like to wish everyone a good laugh and say, "It's an honor to be in front of you today in this fine establishment. I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment being here because I've banged girls at every Ivy League school except Harvard." "You are, by far, the most difficult to enter." I'll be brief with my comments today because I'm meeting two women and an animal handler in Hong Kong in about 20 minutes. Oh right, the last time I was here I had sex with a woman at the New England Aquarium, which is fun to find out. When I come to Boston I sleep with a different woman every night of the week except Wednesdays because in Boston's historic North End, Wednesdays are Prince Spaghetti Day.

I respect education and have been deeply inspired by the classics, like my favorite poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once. He said that it will tempt your belly with a flavor of nuts and honey. It is a honey of knowing. It is honey and nut cheerios and if I may I would like to paraphrase Dickens but instead of Christmas traditions today I talk about vaginas when I say that they have Never I put a piece of gold in my pocket but they make me smile so I call them good. If there is one message I can leave you this afternoon it is this, although you were graduating and moving towards those new unexplored frontiers. of adult life never leave behind that sense of experimentation that sense of adventure and openness stay young keep looking at the world with a sense of wonder with your legs open giggity-giggity and good luck to all of you thank you very much hi I'm Aaron The Marshal Chadbourne Class Marshal of Lowell House and I am Christina Adams, Quincy House Class Marshal, on behalf of the Class of

2006

.

It is our pleasure to thank Seth MacFarlane for his insightful and incredibly entertaining comments. You may not realize it now, but it seems. Somehow appropriate to have had him as a figure of our class days today for many members of our class it was his humor and Stewie's wisdom that got us through four serious years at Harvard. We consider it a privilege that he was here to address the class of

2006

. On this day as we celebrate the culmination of our Harvard experience, it is an honor to commemorate his first visit to Harvard to join our class.

The senior class commissioners and the entire senior class committee have decided to grant him what we consider the highest honor that any individual can achieve at Harvard or in the world honorary membership in the class of 2006. We are fortunate and honored to have With you among us, in addition to this certificate, we would like to present to you what for many of us practically became a uniform during the exam. period